Okay folks, here's the latest update.
Let fly with the commentary!
*chirp* *chirp* *rustle* *chirp* *chirp* *chirp*
Hmm. Golly, no comments? Must mean it's prefect, right? >B-)
Oh, I've numbered the lines for easy(?) reference.
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2 sporadic gunfire splashed off of it. A crashing report sent
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I thought this was a battlefield, not an office. ^_^ Actually, this _is_
a slightly confusing construct.
7 followed a moment later by a blinding explosion. A deep,
^^^^
OK, deep, kinda like Patrick Stewart? I can't imagine anyone with a deep
voice doing the following pitch. You'd need a slightly hyperactive
person's voice for that kind of enthusiasm.
8 grandiloquent voice began speaking as the boomer proceeded
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Hey! This isn't an SAT word! Is it? It's hard to figure out.
14 defense? If you fit any of these categories, then the A-10
^^^^
I know about the American A-10 "Warthog". But naming a boomer after it?
Can't you call it something else?
21 mission profiles! Just pull out the unneccesary components,
22 and stick in the new ones!" The monologue paused briefly,
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
How about pulling some of the "plug 'n play" spiel into this? Or at
least make it less "common" sounding, by using "swap" instead of "stick"?
24 impressive pyrotechnical blast.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This no makie sense. ^_^ Chop off the "al" and it should work.
28 can be set up for a minimal charge. Some dealers may sell
^^^^^^
"Negotiated"?
29 for less; `Plug'N'Play' options extra. Buy now! This is a
30 limited time offer! GENOM Armaments: Tomorrow's firepower,
31 Today!!"
32 The image of the boomer disappeared from the large
33 projection screen at the end of the cavernous meeting room,
^^^^^^^^^
Wouldn't a cavernous room echo for a short while with the last, loudest
sound?
34 the room lights flicking back on at the same time. The
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This _is_ an executive's office, shouldn't the lights come back on
gradually to save the exec from losing face by blinking against the
strong lights?
58 the corners of his mouth. "We do have a reputation to
59 uphold; we wouldn't want defective goods to get into the
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"it wouldn't do for"
60 marketplace."
70 The quiet hum of computer terminals, overlaid with the
71 clatter of keyboards being tapped on drifted through the
72 sprawling office area of the ADPolice Investigation
What? No beeping computers? Or have those impersonal beeps moved over
to make way for those annoying car type warning voices? "Your car is on
fire" "Your car is on fire" "Please buckle your safety belt" "Your car
is on fire"
80 shirt and a blue jacket with a badge pinned to the left
81 breast pocket, and a large-caliber revolver hanging from a
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
82 shoulder holster, he cut an impressive, yet somehow
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Is the holster over the Jacket, or underneath it?
248 matter drop. At the same time however, something in him
249 seemed to die, just a little, each time that he had to
250 restrain himself from hitting one of his friends.
OK, this sentence seems to be a run-on. I see one subject, two actions,
and no connection between the two actions.
295 straightening out her tangled sheets and blankets, he
296 squeezed onto the bed next to her, draping his extra blanket
297 over the both of them, and settling back.
^^^^^^^^
"settled"?
304 room. After a few more minutes, he also fell asleep.
^^^^
"too"?
600 Wiping the back of his hand across his mouth, he
601 slammed the mug back down onto the counter, and turned away
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What, no splash? It still has some tea inside, so it should at least
spread a few drops somewhere.
1027 "That's why I've been holding myself down; I don't want to
1028 lose control and go hunting. I can't just tear the city
1029 apart and hope I find the bastard."
^^^^
Can you emphasize this word more?
1405
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OK, I have a question about Sylvie. Since she knows the KS' secret
identities, and hangs out with them a lot, why doesn't Sylia ask Sylvie
to be a backup KS? She's psycologically more stable than Bert right now.
(the character, not the person)(I hope ^_^;)
Also, since she is a good friend of Priss, couldn't she emulate her
fighting style (in case someone is watching), and go in with Priss'
replacement suit?
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Yung "William, The Forgotten One, What's His Face, Who?" Wong
(^_^) -=-<ywong01@barney.poly.edu>-=- (;_;)
}-============================================================-{
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep
it scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps
you've seen it."
-- Steven Wright
Gon%