On Tue, 28 Nov 1995, Jeanne Hedge wrote:
Hi Brett -
Well, it's about TIME part 4 got out! <g>
Hey I'm typing as fast as I can... :)
Here's my comments:
oops! Here we go again -- watch out for the curse of "your" vs "you're"
(In this case, it should be "you're") You've done this same thing several
times throughout.
OK.. good catch... - fixed it..
"Well act or not, we can't just let him wonder around", Sylia
^^^^^^ wander
said, "*IF* he is telling the truth we can't just let him wonder
^^^^^^ wander
out of here, it would be cruel....".
Hmmm.. ok - fixed...
Sylia shook her head, "No Jim, you didn't", she said, "by the
way, I'm called Sylia". Jim shook hands with her and smiled, "I
must say it was nice to wake up to your voice", he said.
Sylia doesn't know that Mackie has already told him that his name is Jim.
Shouldn't she be telling him his name is Jim instead of just using it?
(because unless someone had already told him his name, "Jim" would mean as
much to him as "hey you" would)
Well I would make the assumption (and since I'm the author its a valid
one :) that Sylia thought better of her brother than having him call jim
'Hey you' - while they talked?? - I dunno you think Mackie would be that
cruel.. besides if he didn't know what his name was by that time - it
would have been a good way of telling him, wouldn't it?? (I don't hink
Priss could pass with a name like 'Jim' - and he already know's Mackie's
name...)
Mackie emerged from the kitchen a moment later with a plateful
of sandwiches. Jim ravenously began eating, wolfing down most of
the plateful by himself. After his feeding frenzy Jim sat back in
the couch and relaxed slightly, these people seemed to be his
friends, if he could only remember them.
I thought Mackie was in his room. When did he get to the kitchen?
Well so what?? - there *could* be two entrances to the kitchen?? couldn't
there.. besides I need a character to bring in a tray and didn't think
Priss would fit the part....
Jim stood just out of site of those in the room. He had been
^^^ sight
OK.. done...
Robert shook his head, "Sorry, can't tell", he smiled, "Its
^^^ It's
good to know our scrambling devices work", he added.
Sylia shook her head, "They would be nothing left of MegaTokyo
^^^^^ There
if he did", she said.
The Golden figure shut her off with a sharp gesture, "Loose
^^^^^ Lose (as
in something lost) What you have here is like baggy clothing (loose) This
word-swap is repeated a couple times.
Yup - ok all the above are fixed...
Sylia nodded, her instruments had already confirmed that there
were no listening devices in the room, after the Golden figure
left, she pulled the armour off and set it to charge from the
generator. Looking at the delicious meal before her she set about
recharging herself.
I'd think she'd be more concerned about cameras than microphones if she's
going to take her armor off
Yeah probably - I'll change that to surveillance devices....
I should probably mention that a few people already picked me up on a few
of those points... but thanks for the comments.. - tell you what
though.. next time comment more on the story - rather than the
'mechanics' of the story, any fool with a dictionary and grammar guide can
write correctly - I want to know if people think my writing is *good* in
other ways than spelling :)
-----Brett
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Address: darkwnd@sv.net.au WWW page: http://www.sv.net.au/~darkwnd
Kane: "Master, the other children tease me..."
Old Master: "Have you learnt nothing from my teachings, Grasshopper?"
Kane: "What do you mean master?"
Old Master: "Well can you not beat the Sh#T out of them???"
-----Fast Forward (1990)
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