[snip]

Soun started to cry on the side at the temporary loss of his 
daughters. 

I know what you mean, but it might fit better as 'Soun started to 
cry at the thought of the temporary loss of his daughters'

Post Notes:  As before, I'd like to thank Albercrombie, David Bateson, 
Francine Coloma, Mary Van Slett for their comments on the original and 
additionally David Bateson for scene suggestions and advice.

Whoops!  I forgot to spell check this baby and I'm too tired to proofread it 
right now.  Ignore those things when you make your comments, please.

Overall, very good. But some scenes get compressed, while others are 
more drawn out, giving the story an uneven reading style. Maybe some 
fleshing out <cough, cough>  of some of the quicker parts of the 
story would help.
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Andrew Stodden <eos@ghost.res.cmu.edu>
"But mostly, you learn to close your eyes and tell youself,
'This just isn't happening.'"
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