Here's another one... I'm posting for my friend who's too damn lazy to
post his own stuff or join a ML for that matter :) ... a word of
warning - Rogan was a bit...uh... "bitter" when he wrote this :)...
consider yourself warned :)
The author can be reached at hambyr@science.coker.edu
The (Substitute) Judge of Darkness : Case 70893221, The People Vs.
Viz Video
A (Not Quite) Parody
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WARNING : SELF INDULGENT OTAKU BLABBING WITHIN AREA
(you may want to skip ahead, but if you do I'll never forgive you)
Well, this was prompted by three things. First, I was recently re-
watching The Judge, which I liked a lot and was thinking about trying
to use him in a crossover fan fiction of some kind. Secondly, I was
working on my WWW page (it'll be up _someday_) and writing a little
about Takahashi but had trouble really explaining the sheer amount of
raw contempt fuelled by Viz's Ranma 1/2 dubs. Thirdly, I was re-
reading Paul Levitz & Keith Giffin's 1985 The Legion of Substitute
Heroes Special. On top of all that I'm borderline delusional anyway
and consume way too much caffeine even by college standards.
Therefore, I suppose this was inevitable.
Be forewarned. The following contains what were intended as symbolic
inferences of the radical conceptualization of extreme behavior but
distinctly obfuscated so that only the worthy can penetrate the many
spiraled imagery formed by the syllabic combinations as they cross
over into several dead languages. I hope it makes more sense to you
than it did to me.
Actually, I hope to use this as a tie in to a more serious Judge / X -
Files / Vampire Princess Miyu / Ranma 1/2 fan fiction. Presuming of
course I ever get any of the other fan fictions done I've been trying
to do. This is not a serious fan fiction, or even a real fan fiction
per se - its just an amusing little project. So take it as such or
drown in your own boiled mulch.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
* -=- * -=- * Prologue * -=- * -=- *
Eugene Butterbread hated grey mornings. More cheerful,
optimistic people might have said that it was a mauve or peach sort
of rose morning. Eugene hated cheery and optimistic people. Eugene
always wanted to shove hand grenades down their throats and let them
blow up but he couldn't. The law said that he had to suffocate them,
or drown them or something else, nice and timeless in its simplicity
as well as symbolic if possible. Eugene had never been very good at
symbolism, which might have been why he failed the law exams and
ended up in his present job instead of becoming a Judge like he
wanted to. No, it was definitely a grey morning. Eugene Butterbread
was not a cheerful person, he was a social worker - the Social Worker
of Darkness.
* -=- * -=- * Chapter 1 : The Day * -=- * -=- *
Right now Eugene couldn't help but remember what his social
worker trainer had told him : if the morning is bad, the day will be
worse. Blech the bastich for being right. At eight in the morning
Eugene had reported for his mundane job - a fry cook at a Huddle
House. It sucked. Here he was, the Social Worker of DARKNESS and he
had to be in bed by 10:30 to be able to get up for work. And what
was this shit, working at a Huddle House - he was trained in the
social working laws of thousands of years, had a B.A. in Social Work
and a license but he couldn't take a job as such because of some
stupid Law of Darkness. If there are any politicians of Darkness
I'll kill 'em was his thought. Bitter? No, no, not bitter, not
me....
He hadn't even gotten to kill anyone in the last week. A bunch
of truancy's, a few emotionally violent divorces, husbands cheating
on their wives, ect.... (Eugene hated Family Laws of Darkness).
Absolutely nothing that he could justify killing someone for. Where
were the fathers not feeding their kids ... Eugene always liked
watching them choke on food. Heh, heh, heh, it was funny. The
thought brought a smile to Eugene's face. right then some red neck
walked in and demanded service - LOUDLY.
<You, better not owe your sow wife any back alimony you mother
f***er> Eugene thought as he turned back to the griddle.
On top of it all next Monday was The Day. Early in his career
Eugene had always looked forward to The Day. After all the Judge of
Darkness always got to kill lots of people so taking over for him
while he was on vacation for a week wasn't so bad. But, over the
years, Eugene had gotten indignant over the obligation, over _having_
to do it, over _having_ to arrange his schedule for when the Judge
wanted a vacation and over only having the power temporarily and
having to give it back. Some times Eugene just wanted to kill him.
Sometimes he would pray that the Judge would violate some Law of
Darkness while Eugene was the Judge. What hurt the most was losing
it again, over and over. But he knew that once it was in his hands
he would feel nothing but ecstasy.
"BWAH, HAH, BWAH.... uh...." <what are all those people staring
at me that way for? Ooops, I must have been talking out loud again.>
* -=- * -=- * Chapter 2 : Day 2 * -=- * -=- *
"Ugh." It was morning. Mornings sucked. If there was anyone in
charge of mornings Eugene would probably want to kill him. This was
the first day of vacation for Eugene, two wonderful weeks off. Not
co-incidentally it was also the first day of vacation for his cousin,
The Judge of Darkness. But the office itself could never go on
vacation - so here he was waiting for his Japanese cousin (related
distantly on his mother's side) to show up so that he could take the
duty of being the Substitute Judge of Darkness. His cousin was a
prick. Acting all humble and calm - the guy was really psycho, a
little provocation and he could freak out and leave you dead to be
murdered by weird spirits and shit. Of course that's not what
bothered Eugene - what got his goat is how all and might the guy
acted, while wanting people to think he was such a nice guy.
Ring. Ring. The door bell. "Of course the door bell would ring
just when I need to get my Pop Tarts out." Eugene ran across the
apartment to open the door - there was his cousin - The Judge of
Darkness.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Interlude
In the interest of waving any further insult and degradation borne by
the characters of the Judge just by being mentioned in this work, I
shall now skip ahead and mercifully allow them to avoid actually
being in the work. In addition this allows me to avoid an unnecessary
dramatic pause, and break in the story tone. Blechery and Dennis
Miller for President. Whatever. Back to the electric dead tree
manuscript, some hour later.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
<Grumble, bitch. Run in and out you uppity bitch. Go back to
the new piece of nookie you're banging. If he wasn't my cousin I'd
kill him.>
Eugene was not just bitter but jealous. Not only did The Judge
<tm> get all the great killings but also the chicks. Eugene had
never really understood women and had some problem relating to them.
They never seemed to understand his freeze dried road-kill
collection. They wanted him to be happy, nice, pay attention to
them, shit like that. Whores. But there was his cousin, heading off
on vacation to bang his girlfriend. He didn't deserve to be The
Judge <tm by someone>. He hated to see his cousin happy. One girl
even had the audacity to say that Eugene had a lot of repressed anger
and that he was not fit for society. Who was that pseudo-
intellectual bitch to call him repressed. She was probably a lesbian
anyway he figured. Eugene hated seeing people happy - it stressed
him out. He really hated to see his cousin happy. It was being a
shitty day. Then he had to deal with that freaky parrot. He didn't
need that thing. He could handle bailiff duties by himself just
fine.
Eugene looked at his Faces of Death collection. <Not tonight my
darlings> he thought. Then he looked at the book on the table.
Eugene was ready, dressed in his camouflage pants and "I Shot Saddam"
tee shirt. Eugene forgot about everything for a second. As of this
moment he was no longer a mere Social Worker of Darkness he was - THE
JUDGE OF DARKNESS. Eugene grabbed the book and hugged, kissed it,
started rubbing himself with it, all while crying and finally
laughing maniacally.
Standing up Eugene checked for his keys and began looking for the
piece of paper with his first assignment. He was ready.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Interlude (a real one this time!)
"Don't worry good folks," said the man in the purple cloak and
bowler as he sipped from his milk, "I've agreed to take on your
case."
"Are you sure he can't get us," said the high pitched voice of
the woman in the front. In the background you could see a logo that
said "Viz" and a large group of men and women with very concerned
looks on their faces gathered around the purple man.
"Yes, until he deals with me he can't put you on trial."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Chapter 3 : The Trial
(interrupting the interlude.)
The offices suddenly go pick dark as the shadows grow and
stretch. One young lady's water breaks. And she isn't pregnant.
The high pitched woman : "Oh, shit!"
"That about sums it up." A vulgar looking man with eyes dually
radiating malignancy and stupidity walks up to the crowd.
"Hold it." Suddenly the crowd parts for the purple robed man who
has a milk mustache. "You must clear with me ..... wait! You aren't
the Judge of Darkness! Who are you?"
"I AM the Judge!"
"ARE NOT!"
"AM TOO!"
"ARE NOT!"
"AM TOO!"
"ARE NOT, NOT, NOT! NOT! NOT! Admit IT!"
"I AM the Judge of Darkness. I just happen to be a substitute."
"Ah, so a minor player comes to the drama. I had hoped for some
challenge this evening but I will dispatch you with minimum
difficulty."
"Hey! Wait a minute! I know you."
"Of course. I am the champion of blind justice, the nemesis of
you fanatics. I am the Lawyer of Darkness!"
"No, I mean I know you. You're that asshole who keeps bringing
his own drinks into the Huddle House, makes those fucked up orders
and never tips the waitresses." Hurriedly Eugene begins going
through the laws of darkness for some precedent. Finally, he gives
up. "Damn, well I guess you get away with it this time."
The Lawyer of Darkness is worriedly looking over his shoulder at
the Viz crew who are looking at him with venomed looks. "Um...
aren't we forgetting what we're here for."
Eugene, "Hm? Oh...." looks at list "milk, butter, blow up doll,
sue this stupid fan fic writer, appear in next Emilio Estevez
movie.... oh, yeah! Kill Viz Production crew. OK, who's first!"
"You must deal with me first," says the Lawyer of Darkness.
"And who are you?" asks Eugene curiously.
Exasperated, "The LAWYER OF DARKNESS, I already told you,
several times!"
"Oh. Are you supposed to be someone important?"
"ONLY THE JUDGE'S ARCH-NEMESIS YOU SHIT HEADED PUNK!"
"No one talks to me that way ass-wipe."
"Oh, yeah, subby, just prove it."
"You have no right to interfere in my duty : The Producers of Viz
Video are charged under the Laws of Darkness of multiple acts of the
following crimes against humanity : 1) hiring poor voice actors, 2)
hiring actors with voice improper for the roles, 3) violating the
sanctity of an artistic vision, 4) not even syncing the voices well,
5) Americanizing a translation far beyond any necessary translation
device, 6) overcharging, 7) being assholes, 8) ignoring the implicit
demands and desires of the people and finally other charges too
numerous to list." The Substitute Judge <tm> triumphantly finishes
reading from the book and looks regally at the Lawyer.
The Lawyer grins and opens wide for a great comment .... too bad
something seems to have caught Eugene's eye as he interrupts him.
"Hey! One of these later charges involves a reptile and some weird
porcelain containers! Man, even I've never heard of this..." He
looks at the production crew. " ... any of you guys got a tape of
this stuff?" One guy nods nervously and hands him a video tape.
Eugene looks happy. "Cool! You get to go dude." The gentleman is
out the door before Trish Ledoux can even utter a single valley girl
syllable. He fawns over the tape and finally notices the Lawyer
glaring at him. "Oh, you were about to say something weren't you?"
"Only, good sir, IF YOU'RE FINISHED."
"Yeah, its cool, go ahead."
"As I was going to say, before being so _rudely_ interrupted.
You have no claim against these good people as your indictment does
not cover an applicable crime."
"What'cha talking 'bout Willis?" <Damn, that was a strong
Different Strokes flashback. Gotta watch out for those.> "I mean,
what do you mean?"
[At this point both parties would normally be really mad but Eugene's
flashback has disoriented the Lawyer and Eugene is rather embarrassed
over the same said event. - ed.]
"The charges indict these fair entertainers with crimes against
humanity but the Laws of Darkness only are applicable to those crimes
that are relevant to a person and humanity at large could care less
about animation. HAH, BWAH, HAH, HAH, BWAH! Victory is mine, you
neonate."
Eugene calmly stares at The Lawyer. That's scary enough. Then
he pulls out a bottle of white out and carefully deletes the word
"humanity" replacing it in pen with the word "otakudum" and shows it
to the Lawyer.
The Lawyer turns white. He looks at the crowd, some hopeful,
some pensive, some apprehensive, all nervous. He looks up, down, at
them, at Eugene. Eugene just stands there grinning. Finally, they
ask him what's going on. After collecting his voice he mumbled,
"Um... you're shit out of luck." In unison : "WHAT!" The Lawyer :
"Well, uh, [he makes like a bat out of hell and fading into the
distance we hear] thanks for the retainer."
As one the group turned to Eugene who was standing there with a
jar of peanut butter, a waffle iron, a grin, a wet spot in the front
of his pants and a tee-shirt that said "I Love Life Because I Love
Pain." The last sound is a collective throat "Gulp."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The following theoretical graphic description of extreme
behavior has been excised due to the belief that it would violate the
standards of decency of sado-masochistic bestiality necrophilic
exhibitionists. That and it was making even the writer toss his
cookies and this is someone who has watched The Amazing Legions of
Dr. Moldavia EIGHT times and liked it EVERY BLOODY TIME!
Thus, this is mercifully, The End.
Sincerely,
malkav
hambyr@science.coker.edu
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