Author's Note: I did not create this story. Yes, I wrote this chapter of
it, but the true blame--er, credit, belongs to Mr. John Biles, who put the
UY and Ranma gangs into this situation. Fortunately for him, he moved to
Kansas and only Ryouga knows where he lives now. :) Anyhow, in talking
with him, I had an idea on how to continue the series, which he was letting
languish, forgotten, because he had other projects, and he was kind enough
to let me write it. Parts One through Four can be found at ftp.std.com in
the usual places. Anyway, enjoy! Comments and criticisms can be directed
to me at rogue1@netcom.com.
WHAT HAS GONE BEFORE: In Part One, while on a trip to China, the gang from
Tomobiki High School stumbled across the Legendary Training Grounds of
Cursed Springs, Jusenkyou. Ataru and Lum both fell into the Spring of
Drowned Girl. Shinobu fell into the Spring of Drowned Oni. Thus, a new
element of craziness enters their lives.
In Part Two, Ryouga Hibiki wanders into Tomobiki and meets them.
While helping fight off Toshiba Mitoshi, Truant Officer, he informs them of
what he knows about the curses. Shinobu is attracted to him and is
impressed by his martial prowess. He suggests that she study at the Tendo
Dojo.
In Part Three, everyone travels to Nerima, where the Dojo is located.
The major characters of both casts meet and compare notes. Akane learns a
new technique, that of the Distant Touch (tho it's more like punches where
she is concerned. :) and uses it to defeat Ranma in a contest of skill.
Conceding, Ranma agrees to eat her lunches for a week. Ataru and Lum have
a side wager, which forces Ataru to do without other women for a month.
In Part Four, Shinobu and Akane arrange to have their resident
cross-dressers, Ryunnosuke and Tsubasa, go out on a date, a date which
quickly grows to include Shinobu and Ryouga, and Ranma and Akane. To get
money for the date, Ranma is forced to borrow from Nabiki, who wants him to
arrange a meeting with Mendo in return. Ukyou follows them on their date,
hoping that if it goes well, she will not have to deal with Tsubasa any
longer. When the paths of the daters cross that of Ataru and Lum, chaos
ensues.
(begin part 5)
Opening Scene: Shinobu is in her room, staring nervously at the phone.
Finally, she picks it up and dials a number, idly twisting the phone cord
in her fingers.
Kasumi: (on the phone) Hello, Tendo Residence.
Shinobu: Ah, hi, Kasumi-san. This is Miyaki Shinobu.
Kasumi: Shinobu-san! It's nice to hear from you again. Would you like to
speak to Akane-chan or Father?
Shinobu: Er... actually, I'd like to speak to Nabiki-san if I may.
Kasumi: Certainly. Hold on, please...
Shinobu: (to herself) I'm not sure if I should do this, since it's like
betraying a friend. But on the other hand, not telling her would be even
worse... right?
Nabiki: (on the phone) Nabiki. What can I do for you, Shinobu-san?
Shinobu: Oh, um, hi, Nabiki-san... listen, I wanted to talk to you about,
well, Mendo-san...
Nabiki: Mendo-san?
Shinobu: Well, Ranma asked me to help get you, um, a date with him... and
I thought... I should talk to you about it. (Nabiki mutters something.)
Excuse me, Nabiki-san?
Nabiki: Nothing. Just a little reminder to myself about sub-contracting.
Anyway, what about Mendo?
Shinobu: Well, I think you need to know that he can be a bit...
flirtatious with women. I was dating him, I guess, for a little while, but
he kept going after other women... like Lum, for instance. I just thought
you should know about that before you really decide to date him.
Nabiki: (laughing) Is that all? Don't worry, Shinobu-san... I think I can
get Mr. Flirtation to see things my way.
Shinobu: OK, then, if you're sure...
Nabiki: Trust me. Thanks for calling and not calling collect. Bye!
(Shinobu sits there looking at the phone, a little puzzled. Then she shook
her head and got her homework out.)
Shinobu: (to herself) What a strange family. In fact, their whole
neighborhood is weird--
Voice: (from outside) Darling!
Voice 2: (also from outside) Ack! Lum, no!! *ZAP*
Shinobu: (sighing and speaking to herself) Then again, who am I to talk?
Part 5:
"Courting Chaos!"
Still Waters Run Deep
A UY/Ranma fanfic
using material from the wonderfully warped
mind of Takahashi Rumiko.
created by John Biles
written by Jeffrey "Rogue1" Hosmer
"Questions of Love"
by John Biles
the UY/Ranma Theme song.
Lum: Why do you flee from my love?
I only want to give it to you.
Life is too short to live it alone
Why be one and one when we can be two?
Ataru: Why do I run from your love?
I wish I had an answer for you.
The secrets of my heart are my own.
Maybe one day, we two ones shall be two.
Akane: Why do we do what we do?
Why do we say what we say?
Why are we always so cruel to each other?
Why do we fight every day?
Ranma: I know why we do what we do,
The reason that we say what we say.
As long as we hide what we really feel,
We may go on forever this way.
All: Why do we hide from love?
Why can't I say I love you?
We may go on fighting each other
Until the day one and one become two.
Act One
Meeting
Scene: The grounds of Tomobiki High School at the beginning of another
school day. Nurse Sakura is heading into to school early when...
Ataru: (leaping onto Sakura and hugging her) Saaaaaaa-kura-sensei!
Sakura: (growling) MO-RO-BO-SHI! Get OFF of me!
Ataru: (Still hugging her) Don't be cruel, Sakura-sensei... I think I'm
really sick!
Sakura: Really? Let me take a look...
(Sakura takes his head in her hands, examining him closely.)
Ataru: Oh, Sakura-sensei... your hands are so soft...
Sakura: Hmmm... I think you are sick... And I prescribe a FULL treatment
of... (She winds up and *KAPOW* hits him and sends him flying into the air
just as...)
Lum: (Flying in.) DARLING NO BAKA!! *ZAP*
Ataru: (Crisping nicely.) AAAUUUUGGHH!
Sakura: ...electric shock treatment. (She stalks into the school.)
(Lum starts dragging Ataru inside.)
Lum: (Muttering) Stupid Darling...
(We switch to the Principal's Office, where the Principal has watched the
entire display.)
Principal: (Still looking out the window and speaking to someone behind
him.) Shameful, simply shameful... no wonder our school is so disgraced.
And nothing I have tried has worked. Not even that Mercenary Truant
Officer... I wonder what happened to him?
(We see Toshiba Mitoshi, the truant officer, leaving the hospital and
holding his truant officer stick aloft and ranting. Lightning flashes and
strikes the stick, shocking him quite badly. A pair of orderlies come out
and carry him back inside the hospital.)
Principal: Still, I swear I will restore the honor of our school, no
matter what it takes! (Outside, there is another flash as Lum is forced
once again to shock Ataru.) Tsk. Am I the only normal person around here?
(The person behind him silently offers him a cup of tea. 'He' is a giant
white cat sitting at a footwarmer.)
Principal: (Sipping the tea.) Thank you.
(We cut to Lum and Ataru's classroom. Everyone is sitting around waiting
for class to begin. Lum is surrounded by the Gang of Four, Mendo is
surrounded by girls, and Ataru is chowing down on his lunch already.
Shinobu enters and sighs when she sees Mendo surrounded by girls.)
Shinobu: (Going up to Mendo) Excuse me, Mendo-san?
Mendo: (Smiling) Yes, Shinobu-san?
Shinobu: Can I speak to you alone for a moment? (The other girls look
daggers at her.)
Mendo: (Sighing dramatically) Certainly. Excuse me, ladies. I will be
just a moment. (The other girls leave, disappointed.) What can I do for
you, Shinobu-san?
Shinobu: Well, I'd like to ask a favor of you... I have a friend who'd
like to go out on a date with you, but she didn't want to seem too forward
and ask herself...
Mendo: Ah, I would be happy to spend some time with the shy maiden.
Shinobu: (Blushing suddenly) I have a picture of her here... (She hands
him the picture of Nabiki taken on Togenkyou, the Isle of Illusion, wearing
a slinky costume from the Martial Arts Marriage Contest.)
(Mendo's eyes widen and he opens his mouth to speak... just as his head is
slammed into his desk by Ataru suddenly appearing above him.)
Ataru: WooWoo! Whatta babe! Hey, Shinobu-chan, why didn't you ask ME to
date her? (He starts to drool and looks rather like a monkey. Shinobu
just looks disgusted.)
Mendo: MOROBOSHI! You--
Ataru: What a bod! She's an older woman too? Isn't she? Isn't she? I
must find--
(*WHAM* Shinobu clobbers him and Mendo with a desk.)
Shinobu: Hmph! Men... (Thought to herself:) I wonder where Ryouga is?
He wasn't at home this morning, though all his stuff was in the guest
room...
(Cut to Ryouga, in his pajamas, walking out of a public restroom. Looking
around, he sees a panoramic view of Tokyo. He is on top of the Tokyo
Tower.)
Ryouga: This isn't Shinobu's house... is it?
(We cut to Furinkan High. It's late afternoon, around 5:00, but we can see
students sitting around, eating their lunches disconsolately. Ranma is
sitting with Akane and Ukyou, chowing down on a (thankfully!) Kasumi-made
bento. Some of the students are occupied in constructing booths and
pavilions for what a poster proclaims to be the Annual Furinkan High School
Festival. There is a grinning picture of the Principal on the Poster and
the motto underneath it reads: "Pineapple Fiction: If a Lei Falls in a
Forest, Does It Make a Sound?")
Misc. Students: "What a drag, staying this late." "Yeah, but the Festival
should be fun." "Hand me a hammer." "Yeah, but what does the loopy motto
mean?" "Could I have a hammer, please?" "It's a metaphor, I think." "Yo!
Hammer!" "Yes, but what does it mean?" "It's a classical allusion to the
state--" "SOMEONE GIVE ME A HAMMER!"
Ranma: (eating and ignoring the chaos behind him.) Damn it, where does
the Principal get off, making us stay this late?
Ukyou: Come on, Ranchan... it's not that surprising, is it? I mean,
sooner or later, he would have tried it.
Akane: (Irritated.) But to set the school to HAWAIIAN Time? We're going
to be here until nine o'clock!
Ukyou: I hear the School Board is working up the courage to make him
change it... it won't last--what's that?
('That' is a long, stretch limo pulling up to the gate of the school. It
sits there for a minute, and a huge crowd congregates. Ranma, Ukyou, and
Akane walk over to see what's up. A chauffeur gets out and opens a car
door, letting Mendo out. Immediately, most of the girls swoon.)
Girls in the crowd: "Look at him! Isn't he handsome?" "That's Mendo
Shutaro, heir to the Mendo Zaibatsu!" "He's rich!" "Yoohoo, Mendo-sama!
Look over here!" "I hope he doesn't fall for Akane like all the others..."
"Shhh!"
(Mendo chuckles, and sweeps his hair back from his forehead in a casual
gesture. Looking up at the crowd, he smiles, sunlight glinting off his
teeth. The boys in the crowd immediately take a step back and begin
muttering. The girls mob him. He quiets them with a wave of his hands.)
Mendo: (With an air of noblesse oblige.) Ladies, ladies... please quiet
down. It would not do for you to injure yourselves. (He takes the hand of
a random girl in the crowd. We see it is Yuka, one of Akane's friends.) I
would sooner be injured myself than to see this fair flesh bruised.
Yuka: My phone number is--!
(Mendo lays a finger on his lips and everyone goes quiet.)
Mendo: Shhh, it is not necessary... all I require is a small bit of
information, do you think you could help me? (Yuka and all the other
girls, who look quite jealous, nod eagerly.) Tell me, where is Tendo--
Voice: HOLD, KNAVE!
(In the background, Ukyou, Ranma, and Akane, who have been watching this in
disbelief, sigh and look disgusted.)
Ranma: Aw, great... now there's TWO of them...
(The crowd parts and we see Kunou stride forward, his wooden bokuto (Kendo
practice sword) pointed at Mendo.)
Kunou: It is not for the likes of you to trifle with the loves of the
champion of the high school fencing world! Depart, rash fool, lest I
challenge thee!
Mendo: (Motioning to his chauffeur who produces the Mendo ancestral sword
(hilt recently oiled) and presents it.) And who might you be?
(Moans are heard throughout the crowd.)
Kunou: I am the rising young champion of the high school fencing league, a
blazing new legend striking out across the sky. My peers call me the Blue
Thunder of Furinkan High! (Lightning flashes dramatically.) Tatewaki
Kunou, age 17. (A dutiful, sarcastic-sounding applause comes from the
crowd. In the background, we can see Nabiki running up and starting to
take bets.)
Mendo: (His cool unfazed by the proclamation) I am Mendo Shutaro, heir to
the great Mendo Zaibatsu. I accept your challenge. (He draws his sword
smoothly, the metal gleaming brightly.) Do you have a proper weapon with
which to defend yourself, sir?
Kunou: (Approaching.) The great Tatewaki Kunou needs no more that this
(he brandishes his bokuto) to defeat the likes of you!
Mendo: So be it! (He and Kunou charge each other.)
Voice: (From the crowd, but as soon as everyone hears it, they flee.)
Stop right there, delinquents! HAPPOU-FIVE-YEN-SATSU!
(Miss Hinako, looking like a cute, twelve year old moppet, holds up her
hand, a five-yen piece held between her fingers. Kunou and Mendo freeze in
their tracks as bright bands of energy flow off them and get channeled
through the hole in the coin to Hinako. Almost immediately she grows in a
statuesque beauty. The energy flow stops. Mendo and Kunou remain frozen
for a second.)
Kunou: (Looking shriveled and weak.) I... fight... on... (He collapses.)
(Mendo remains frozen for another second, then straightens up and runs a
hand cavalierly though his hair. Looking around he smiles at Hinako, teeth
glinting. Everyone in the crowd looks stunned.)
Mendo: Forgive me, fair educator. I did not mean to disrupt this recess.
(He bows and takes her hand.) Please, accept my apologies.
(Hinako manages not to blush. In the background, Ranma is looking like he
had just been hit by a mallet.)
Ranma: How... how did he do that?
Akane: He must have tremendous energy...
(Meanwhile, back at Mendo's limousine, the trunk pops itself open slightly.
Ataru, grinning manically, gets out.)
Ataru: Now, all I have to do is find that babe... she'll be so grateful to
me for telling her about what a lech Mendo is. (He adopts a heroic pose,
speaking to the imaginary girl he plans to rescue.) Never fear miss, he
won't trouble you again... now, how about your phone number? (He grins,
then turns thoughtful.) The babe looked familiar, though... have I seen
her before? (He spies a cute girl.) Hey, baby! Want to go on a date with
me? My name's Moroboshi Ataru!
Girl: (Screaming.) Eek! Get away from me! (She runs.)
(Ataru takes off in hot pursuit, pausing only when spots another girl to
pursue. This continues for a while, until he chases one girl around a
corner.)
Mob of Girls: (All holding various instruments of destruction, ranging
from clubs and athletic gear to frying pans, to something nasty-looking
created by the chem club.) DIE, HENTAI!!!
Ataru: Eeep! (He runs, chased by the girls.)
(In the front of the crowd, Hinako has apparently forgiven Mendo and begins
dispersing the crowd. Mendo brushes off a few female admirers with an
"It's nothing" shake of his head. Ranma comes up to him while Akane goes
over to get Nabiki.)
Ranma: So, you're here looking for Tendo Nabiki, right?
Mendo: Hai. You know of her?
Ranma: Yeah, I live at her house. Her sister Akane is getting her now, if
you're up to it.
Mendo: (Running a comb through his hair.) Of course.
Ranma: (To himself:) This guy's as egotistical as Kunou. Well, once I
dump him on Nabiki, I won't have to worry about him again... except to find
out how he survived Hinako's attack...
(Akane brings Nabiki over, who immediately eyes Mendo in a calculating
manner. She also frowns slightly at Ranma.)
Ranma: What?
Nabiki: (to Ranma in a low voice.) Nothing, Ranma-kun... just marveling
about how you kept your end of the bargain, by bringing in Shinobu and
Akane on this.
Ranma: Hey, guys can't do something like ask a guy to date someone else...
it'd be embarrassing!
Nabiki: Yeah, right... I don't think you've held up your end of the
bargain. I'll collect from you later.
Ranma: Hey! I--
Nabiki: (ignoring him and turning to Mendo, stepping over Kunou's body.)
Poor Kunou-chan... anyway, so you're Mendo Shutaro?
Mendo: Hai. (He recognizes her from her picture.) You, of course, must
be the lovely Tendo Nabiki. Shinobu-san has told me so much about you. I
was hoping you would like to attend a gala I am holding next Saturday?
Your loveliness would make the evening so much more enjoyable. You may, of
course, bring all your friends.
(Nabiki listens to him and gives him another once over. Sparks flash and
Mendo's hand claps onto his wallet almost involuntarily. Nabiki seems
almost... disappointed in him, however.)
Nabiki: Sure... what time are you going to pick us up?
Mendo: (Bowing.) My limo will be outside your residence at six o'clock.
Nabiki: Good, I'll be looking forward to it. (She smiles.)
Mendo: As will I, fair maiden. (He departs, walking around a corner of
the school building.)
Nabiki: (To herself:) He's handsome, but he reminds me of Kunou-chan...
oh, well...
(Meanwhile, in the background, Ranma and Akane have been watching Mendo
carefully. He seems utterly unaffected by Hinako's zap, while Kunou is
being helped from the field by Sasuke, his short ninja/manservant.)
Ranma: I -have- to know how he did that... if I can do it, then maybe I
can get her pressure points for good! (He runs after Mendo.)
(Note: Hinako's battle aura draining trick results from a special
metabolism. If Ranma can hit five pressure points, located in certain...
delicate areas of her body, once a day for a month, she'll lose her
ability.)
(Ranma runs around the building and sees no one. After searching for a
moment, he hears a low moan from behind a tree. Looking, he finds Mendo,
looking just as shrivelled and exhausted as Kunou.)
Ranma: Aw, man... he was just faking it!
(We cut to Ataru, who is hiding behind some bushes.)
Ataru: (To himself:) Sheesh, who would have thought the girls around here
would be so militant?
Voice: Psst! What're they after you for?
(Ataru looks around, but sees no one.)
Voice: Down here!
(Ataru looks down and sees a little old man carrying a large sack by a
nearby tree.)
Ataru: Um, indiscriminate groping and asking them out on dates. You?
Old Man: (Chuckling and shaking his head.) Panty-raiding. Boy, you sure
set your sights low, m'boy... oh, my name is Happousai, and let me tell you
a few things about the girls around here... I'm--
Girls: (Appearing out of nowhere and surrounding the two.) DEAD MEAT!
DIE, PERVERTS!
(Sounds of much violence and pain follow. When it is all over, the girls
stop away, leaving two mangled bodies to their pain.)
End of Act One
Act Two
The Date
Opening Scene: The Tendo Dojo. Akane and Ranma are working out. Well,
Akane is working out, trying to punch Ranma. He doesn't seem to be trying
very hard.
Akane: Come on! At least try to hit me!
Ranma: (bored) Why?
Akane: What do you mean, 'why?' What sort of practice do you call this?
Ranma: Easy? (Akane grrrs and takes a harder swing at Ranma.) Whoa,
Akane! I didn't mean it like that... it's just that it's not the
challenging for me to avoid your punches... er...
Akane: Oh, yeah?! (She pulls back her fist and concentrates. When she
swings, Ranma ducks back. Akane's fist comes nowhere near him, but he
shoots back as if hit by a ton of bricks.) KYO KEN!*
*Distance Fist
Ranma: Oof!
(Akane follows through with a roundhouse kick that comes nowhere near
Ranma, yet still sends him flying.)
Akane: (Pulling down one eyelid and sticking out her tongue.) Nyaaaaah!
Ranma: (groaning.) Uncute tomboy...
Akane: What?!
Ranma: (smugly) Now, turn that thing off, why don'tcha?
(Akane colors slightly. She takes a small swing toward the dojo wall and
there is a sharp thud as if something hit it.)
Akane: (Still swinging.) Come on! Turn off, you stupid thing!
Ranma: (sarcastically) Gee, it only took you half a day to shut it off
last time, you must be getting better.
Akane: Why, you...! (She swings her hand in a backhand swat at Ranma and
he goes flying out the door, narrowly missing Nabiki.)
Nabiki: (looking over her shoulder.) 3... 2... 1... (There is a splash,
followed by a female scream.) I'll have to go and get some hot water to
sell Ranma in a minute. Anyway, Akane, are you and Ranma busy Saturday?
Akane: (Keeping her arms at her sides) Not that I know of. Why?
Nabiki: Well, that Mendo boy said I could bring guests to this gala he's
holding. Want to come?
Akane: (Suddenly fumbling with her fingers. Her distant touch seems to
have no effect on her, just on other things.) With Ranma?
Nabiki: Why not? You are engaged. You can get Tsubasa, Ryouga and
Shinobu to come along again.
Akane: I guess so... if that idiot asks me...
Nabiki: This is the nineties! You can ask him out. Or are you afraid
that he'll find out that you lik--
Ranma-chan: (sticking her head in the door.) Find out what?
Akane: Ranma! (She looks at Ranma-chan and Nabiki, then takes a deep
breath.) Do you... wanttogotoMendo'sgalathissaturday?
(Ranma-chan blinks and looks at Nabiki in confusion. Akane blushes bright
red.)
Nabiki: Five hundred yen for a translation, Ranma.
Akane: Nabiki! Look, Nabiki wants us to go along on her date for
company... do you want to come? We'll get Shinobu, Ryouga, Tsubasa and
Ryuunosuke again...
Ranma-chan: What? Another date with you?
Akane: (starting to steam.) If you don't want to...!
Nabiki: There'll be plenty of food there, Ranma.
(Ranma-chan perks up at the mention of food. Akane sends out a mighty
punch that splinters the doorjamb and sends Ranma-chan flying.)
Akane: Idiot. (She stomps off towards the house.)
Nabiki: Well, there's the evening's entertainment...
Scene: We see the Mendo Mansion on the night of the gala. A limousine
pulls up in front of the house. The chauffeur steps out and opens the
door, letting Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, and Tsubasa out.
Ranma: (Wearing a blue suit and tie, the same one he wore on the triple
date with Akane, Shinobu, Ryouga, Ryuunosuke and Tsubasa.) How much money
does this Mendo fellow have, anyway?
Nabiki: (Wearing a stunning black evening dress and long white gloves, a
fur stole around her neck.) American dollars or yen?
Ranma: Eh? (Nabiki just smirks.)
Akane: (Wearing a sky-blue dress which works well with Ranma's dark blue
suit.) Well, we might as well go inside, I guess.
Tsubasa: (In a white dress that would have worked better if he had been a
girl.) I hope we didn't get here too early... I'd hate to wait long for
Ryuunosuke to arrive.
(The party is escorted inside, where guards discreetly check them over and
scan their invitation.)
Guard: The Young Master is entertaining in the West Ballroom. If you'd
follow me?
(He leads them through the halls of the Mendo estate. Everyone is in awe
of the wealth and ostentation shown. Nabiki starts to pull out her
calculator at one point, but Akane makes her put it away.)
Ranma: (Trying not to look impressed.) Aw, who cares about all this
stuff, anyway?
(They enter the ballroom. The room looks to be at least the size of a
football field. Couples and small groups of people are milling around or
dancing, and several long tables of food have been laid out along the
walls. Mendo, dressed in an expensive tuxedo, appears out of the crowd to
greet them.)
Mendo: (to Nabiki) Ah, greetings, Nabiki-san. (He takes her hand and
kisses it. Nabiki seems caught between rolling her eyes and being
flattered.) I am honored that you could attend this small gathering.
Akane and Ranma: Small?
Mendo: (continuing) Would you introduce me to your friends?
Nabiki: Certainly, this is my sister, Akane (She indicates Akane with a
wave of her hand.)
Mendo: (Takes Akane's hand and bows to kiss it.) Charmed.
Ranma: Hey! Watch were--!
Akane: (Elbowing Ranma and whispering to him.) Shut up, baka! (To
Mendo:) Pleased to meet you, Mendo-san.
Nabiki: And this is my sister's fiance, Saotome Ranma.
Ranma and Akane: (in unison) Our parents--!! (They glare at each other.
Mendo and Ranma look at each other, challenges flashing and being
accepted.)
Ranma: We've met.
Mendo: We have?
Ranma: Yeah, I hauled your butt to the infirmary--oof! (Akane elbows him
again.)
Nabiki: (Continuing as if nothing untoward had happened.) And this is
Kurenai Tsubasa, a friend.
(Tsubasa curtsies. Mendo goes to take his hand, then stops. He looks
puzzled.)
Nabiki: Tsubasa is Ryuunosuke's date. (Mendo straightens and settles for
simply nodding his head politely to Tsubasa. Nabiki offers Mendo her arm.)
Well, maybe you could show me around, Mendo-san?
Mendo: (Gallantly taking her arm.) Of course. (They head off into the
crowd.)
Akane: (Once Mendo is out of earshot.) How could you be so rude, Ranma?
Honestly!
Ranma: (Defensively.) Hey, it's not my fault or nothing! Guys like that
give me the creeps, that's all.
Akane: Guys like what? Suave, charming, sophisticated guys, you mean?
Totally unlike you.
Ranma: Oh, what would an uncute tomboy like you know about it? Probably
any guy who does stuff like that would have you chasing him in a second...
(Meanwhile, outside, we see a squad of Mendo Family Troopers detaining Mr.
Tendo.)
Mr. Tendo: (Crying.) You don't understand! My little girls are inside
there!
Mendo Family Trooper #1: Yeah, yeah... tell it to the judge.
(Behind them, a giant panda strolls by, heading for the house.)
Mr. Tendo: Akane! Nabiki! Oh, my poor little girls....!
(Back inside the house, the Tomobiki crowd is, well, attacking the buffet
tables. Lum is keeping a close eye on Ataru, and Shinobu has one arm
latched around Ryouga's to keep him from wandering off. Behind them come
Megane and the rest of the Gang of Four, and Ryuunosuke. All the boys [and
Ryuunosuke] are wearing nice suits. Lum and Shinobu are both wearing
tiger-striped dresses, but Shinobu's dress is red instead of the usual
gold.)
Ryuunosuke: (who seems more relaxed and happier than we can remember.) I
hope Tsubasa is already here... I can't wait to see what he's wearing, he
said it would be a surprise.
Shinobu: (smiling while holding onto Ryouga tightly.) I'm so glad you two
are getting along. Like me and Ryouga-kun. (Ryouga blushes.)
Lum: Or me and Darling! (She looks around for Ataru.) Darling?
Ataru: (talking to some woman in a white dress decorated with lilies.)
Hi! I'm Moroboshi Ataru! I'm taking a poll, and I need your name and
number--
Lum: Darling no BAKA! *ZAP*
Ataru: ARRRRGH! (He drops. Lum flies over and picks him up, leaving the
woman looking very bemused.)
Megane: (Towering over Ataru.) Wretch! How dare you insult our precious
Lum-sama! Gentlemen! (Kakugari, Chibi, and Perm are pigging out at
table.) Ahem! (They look up as Megane's head grows very large and shouts
at them.) Get over here! (They all proceed to pummel Ataru.)
Ryuunosuke: (Not seeming to notice the commotion.) Well, Tsu's very
nice... he always seems to understand me and lets me go at my own pace...
it's nice... now if only he didn't have to meet my Dad some time...
Ryouga: (looking down at Shinobu while Lum pulls Ataru away from the Gang
of Four.) Shinobu...chan?
Shinobu: Hai, Ryouga-kun?
Ryouga: (Thinking.) What do I do?? How do I feel about Shinobu? What
about Akane-san? I can't just abandon her... argh! Is this how Kunou
feels?
Ryouga: I... I wanted to say... (wimps out.) I'm sorry I got lost the
other day...
Shinobu: Don't worry, Ryouga-kun... I know you have your problems with
directions... it's kinda cute. Hello? (Ryouga has gone into a trance at
the word cute.) Ryouga-kun? (She waves a hand in front of his face.)
Lum: (Pulling Ataru out from under the Gang of Four.) Look, there's Ranma
and Akane! (She flies up, dragging Ataru up a little ways with her, and
waves. Akane and Ranma are busy arguing and don't notice. Tsubasa sees
Ryuunosuke and heads over. Ataru, who's arm is being pulled out of his
socket, manages to disengage himself from Lum and zooms over towards
Tsubasa.)
Ataru: Hi! I'm Moroboshi Ataru... (He trails off, looking at Tsubasa
funny. Ryuunosuke hits him on the head.)
Ryuunosuke: Stay away from my date, Moroboshi!
Ataru: Your... date? (He looks at Tsubasa, who merely looks cute and
smiles. An expression of realization crosses Ataru's face.) Auuugh! (The
girls all giggle.)
Lum: Serves you right, Darling...
(Meanwhile, outside, two Mendo Family Troopers pause for a smoke break.)
Trooper 1348: Did you hear about that new P2-16?
Trooper 7995: Yeah, some of the other guys were telling me about it--
(Suddenly, a pair of bonbori, Chinese spherical maces, descend from above
and hit the troopers on their heads. They collapse. A familiar
purple-haired amazon drops down beside their bodies. She is wearing a
stunning red silk Chinese dress.)
Shampoo: Hmph. Guards talk too much. No listen. Still, if Shampoo can
get in to date Ranma, I no complain. (She gets all starry-eyed.) Oh,
Ranma... wait for Shampoo! Shampoo rescue from date with Akane!
(Shampoo heads toward the house. Behind her, moonlight reflects of two
circles of glass in the bushes, which soon reveal themselves to be
Mousse-duck's glasses.)
Mousse-duck: Quack! (He flies off after Shampoo.)
(Inside the mansion, we see Mendo escorting Nabiki around.)
Nabiki: It's all very... impressive, Mendo-san.
Mendo: (Shrugging dismissively.) It's nothing. A few friends of my
family, the scions of high society, etc... a invitation from the Mendo clan
brings them running. (He has a waiter offer Nabiki a glass of mineral
water, which she sips slowly.)
Nabiki: I was wondering, Mendo-san... why does the heir to the Mendo
fortune attend that high school in Tomobiki?
Mendo: (An expression of distaste crossing his face.) My father thought
it would be a good idea.
Nabiki: (with a calculating expression.) Why?
Mendo: Well, he felt that the heir to the Mendo Fortune should be in touch
with the masses...
Nabiki: And?
Mendo: He had learned that the 'husband' of Lum was attending the school.
Nabiki: I thought so... He had hoped that the Mendo Conglomerate could get
an inside track on the alien technology and use it to wipe out your
competitors, right? (Mendo looks up at Nabiki almost in surprise. He
hadn't expected that.)
Mendo: Yes, that was another reason. (He offers Nabiki his arm, which she
takes.) May I introduce you to some of the other guests? (He seems to be
eying Nabiki with new interest.)
Nabiki: If you like.
(Ranma and Akane are still arguing about Mendo, though they have made it to
the buffet table. Of course, their argument switched to the subject of
food.)
Akane: (Grumpily.) I could make something like this.
Ranma: 'Something' is right. Too bad it wouldn't be food.
(A high-pitched, maniacal laugh interrupts as Akane is getting ready to
pound him.)
Voice: Ohohohohohohoho! Too true, my dear Ranma-sama...
(Kodachi appears, wearing a black dress with black roses covering it. Two
gigantic black roses serve as shoulder-pads. She takes hold of Ranma's
arm.)
Kodachi: Ah, it must be fate, to meet you here,Ranma-sama... have you
eaten yet? There are some truly delicious hors d'oeuvres...
Ranma: Gah! (He tries to break free.)
Akane: Ranma! Let go of her!
Ranma: Hey, what does this look like!? -She's- holding on to me!
Kodachi: (Smiling deviously.) Why HELLO, Akane-chan. (Her voice begins
to drip with sarcasm.) You MUST tell me where you bought that LOVELY
dress... K-mart?
(Akane's head spins around like she had just been slapped by an invisible
hand. She stumbles. Kodachi laughs. Ranma looks like he'd rather be
anywhere other than here.)
Akane: (Rotating her head around a bit, her neck feeling a bit sore.)
What did you do, Kodachi?! What are you even doing here?
Kodachi: Ohohohohohohohohoho! It seems the common peasant girl is
ill-versed in the manners of polite society. (She holds up an invitation.)
And my family is well-known among the elite circles of society.
Akane: What 'polite' society would have -you- as a member?
Kodachi: If you DID know something about manners, dear girl, then you
would know about Martial Arts Snobbery.
Ranma and Akane: Wha--?
Kodachi: Allow me to demonstrate again. (Her voice becomes deeply
sarcastic again.) What LOVELY shoes, Akane-chan... I can tell you were
FIRST in line for them... at a trash bin.
(Akane's head snaps up like it had been hit again.)
Akane: (growling.) Why you...
Voice: (from behind them.) Is there a problem?
(They all turn and see a pretty young girl with long brown hair clad in an
impeccable black and silver kimono.)
Kodachi: Ryoko!
(Elsewhere, we see Kunou enter the ballroom, followed by Sasuke.)
Kunou: (Looking around, grandly.) Ah, let a man be judged by the
acclamation of his peers and the respect of his foes.
Sasuke: I don't hear any acclamation, Master Kunou...
Kunou: Silence! Come, we must search for that vile serpent Mendo Shutaro
and foil his plans on the fair Akane Tendo.
Sasuke: (hopping up and down.) But Master, I'm having trouble seeing over
the crowd--
Kunou: Be still! I shall find him myself! (Kunou, still followed by
Sasuke, strides into the crowd.)
(Back with Ranma and Akane, the tension levels have mounted significantly
since the newcomer, Ryoko, appeared.)
Ranma: Do you two, um, know each other?
Ryoko: Oh, excuse my impoliteness. I am Mendo Ryoko, Shutaro's younger
sister.
(She bows politely, and one of her bunraku (invisible helpers in Kabuki
theater) hands her a fan with the Mendo family crest on it, which she holds
before her. Akane and Ranma don't seem to know how to react, though Akane
manages a red-faced bow. Kodachi doesn't even try to bow.)
Ryoko: You must be Tendo Akane and Saotome Ranma. I've heard so much
about you.
Ranma: You have?
Ryoko: Of course. Kodachi-san speaks of you constantly. You must be an
extraordinary man to have her chasing after you so SLAVISHLY.
(Kodachi reacts as if she has just been struck. Ranma frowns, uncertain if
he's been insulted or not, thus proving to be immune to Martial Arts
Snobbery.)
Ranma: Hey, it's not like I -encourage- her or nothing.
Akane: (Under her breath.) Could have fooled me.
Kodachi: (Glaring at Ryoko.) Not so! I know where my Ranma-sama's heart
lies... he's just being dutiful to the... the... engagement his family set
up.
Ryoko: Really, Kodachi-san? I don't see his family here, yet he came with
Tendo-san and not you. He must be EXTREMELY dutiful.
(Behind Ryoko, a giant panda is busy devouring hors d'oeuvres at the buffet
table. The other guests are giving it a wide berth, but seem to accept it
as one of the Mendo's eccentric party tricks. Kodachi's face reddens again
as she takes another blow. The temperature of her glare drops a few
degrees, from frosty to icy rage, and the other guests back away.)
(Elsewhere, Shinobu, Ryouga, Ryuunosuke, and Tsubasa are standing together,
snacking and drinking.)
Shinobu: Isn't it a lovely party, Ryouga-kun?
Ryouga: Um, ah... Yes! Best party I've ever been at! (He forces a
near-hysterical laugh, trying to sound like he's having a good time.)
Mendo: (Coming up behind them, unseen. Nabiki is still with him.) I'm
glad to hear that. You are... a guest of Shinobu-san, yes? (He flashes
one of his charming smiles at Shinobu.)
Shinobu: (a little coolly) Ryouga-kun is my date tonight, Mendo-san. How
are you and Nabiki-san getting along?
Nabiki: Well, I can't say it hasn't been a profitable evening...
(It seems obvious that Nabiki is rather bored.)
Mendo: I have been introducing her to some of the other guests. We've...
(He is distracted by the sudden movement of the guests away from Kodachi
and Ryoko.) It seems my little sister is up to her old tricks again.
You'll have to excuse me--
Ataru: (Popping literally out of nowhere.) Ryoko-chan?! Wherewhere??
Mendo: MOROBOSHI!
Lum: (Flying overhead.) Darling! Get back here! I can't take my eyes
off you for one minute!
Ataru: (Spying Nabiki.) Woo-woo! It's the babe! Hi! I'm Moroboshi
Ataru! Want to date with me?
Nabiki: I think not.
Mendo: (Drawing his sword and getting between Ataru and Nabiki.) Who
invited you, anyway, Moroboshi?
Ataru: (Standing and looking serious.) Forgive me, Mendo-san. (Lum,
about to zap Ataru, stops, stunned by the sudden change of demeanor.) I
will not attempt anything toward your date.
Mendo: (Suspiciously.) Moroboshi...
Ataru: I'll just spend time with Shinobu instead! (He leaps onto Shinobu.)
Ryouga: Why you...! (Suddenly, a large amount of punch rains down on
Ataru and Shinobu. They change into a girl and an oni.) Yipe! (He barely
leaps away.)
Lum: That'll teach you, Darling!
Ataru-chan: Lum! How am I supposed to chase girls like this?!
Shinobu-oni: We thought you might get out of hand, so Lum loaned me this
special dress. (We see that Shinobu's dress is not stained and that the
punch runs down it like rain on a poncho. A little clean up and she'll be
fine. Right now, she smiles wickedly at Ataru.) You know what happens
now, don't you, Ataru-kun...?
Ataru-chan: (glancing between the two onis.) Uh-oh.
Lum and Shinobu: DOUBLE DIVINE RETRIBUTION! *ZZAAPP*
(Ataru-chan collapses as both of them let loose their lightning. Lum and
Shinobu-oni high-five, then Shinobu drags Ryouga away for some serious...
discussion. ;) At this moment, Kunou appears. He takes in the scene: a
red-haired girl being shocked by two demons, with Mendo standing nearby,
sword out.)
Kunou: (Red with rage.) So... not only do you have designs on the fair
Tendo Akane, but on my osage-no-onna* as well! And now I see evidence that
thou trafficks with demons! I, Kunou Tatewaki, shall bring you to justice,
fiend!
*osage-no-onna: Pig-tailed girl
Mendo: WHAT are you talking about? 'Osage-no-onna?' (He is forced to
raise his sword in a parry as Kunou attacks viciously.)
(By now, the crowd is getting extremely restive. They edge away from the
two centers of conflict, trying to put some distance between themselves and
danger. Kodachi and Ryoko are facing off, each making cutting comments
about each other's clothes, hair, and manners, stray insults whizzing
around like throwing stars in a bad ninja movie. Ranma has managed to
break free of Kodachi.)
Ranma: (to himself) Man, I knew it was a bad idea to come here! Every
time Akane and I try to--are forced to do something together, it's a
disaster!
Akane: (grabbing hold of Ranma's arm.) Come on, stupid! Before Kodachi
goes looking for you! (She drags him into the crowd.)
Ranma: Hey! Who are you calling stupid? And I don't run from fights!
Kodachi: (From somewhere behind them.) Ranma-sama? Where are you?
(Ranma freezes like a deer caught in a car's headlights, his pigtail
stiffening. Akane takes advantage of the commotion to stuff him under a
table, behind a table cloth. She follows, and the two of them are quite
surprised to see that they're not alone. Ryuunosuke and Tsubasa are also
hiding out here, arms around each other. They blush upon seeing the Ranma
and Akane and break apart. Akane quickly pulls Ranma over to the next
table, just to find Ryouga and Shinobu-oni. Everyone blushes
tremendously.)
Akane & Ranma: Huh?
(Meanwhile, the ballroom empties quickly as the fights continue. Kodachi
and Ryoko are still exchanging slights by the entrance, but their cool
demeanors are noticeable strained.)
Ryoko: Tell me, my dear, how IS your father, nowadays? Getting better, I
hope?
Kodachi: (reacting as if she had been punched in the gut.) Ooof! He's...
just fine. (She searches for an appropriate zinger, but her mind is blank.
Then she catches sight of Kunou and Mendo fighting.) Oh, my. I see our
brothers are having a little tete-a-tete.
Ryoko: (glancing over.) Brother!
Kodachi: (to herself.) An opening! (She gives one of the many black
roses on her dress a twist. The giant black roses adorning her shoulders
suddenly shoot forth, twirling lazily towards Ryoko, emitting some sort of
fumes. Ryoko's bunraku notice this and quickly heft the nearest large
object, a giant panda who was guzzling the punch, into the roses'
trajectory. The panda blocks the roses cleanly, inhaling the fumes from
them and promptly falling asleep. The panda then crashes into Kodachi and
knocks her to the floor.)
Kodachi: Why, you...! (Takes a breath of her own fumes.) I... zzzzzz.
(She falls asleep.)
(Mendo and Kunou's fight is continuing unabated, with Lum watching.
Ataru-chan is sitting groggily on the floor, not really noticing the
desperate flurries of strikes and parries.)
Mendo: You are skilled, Kunou, but no match for a Mendo!
Kunou: Hah! I shall yet stand triumphant!
StrikeStrikeStrikeStrikeStrikeStrikeStrikeStrike! (He unleashes a furious
number of strikes, overwhelming Mendo's defenses.) Haha!
Mendo: Argh!
Ryoko: Brother! (She tosses something down by Mendo's feet. It begins to
emit a cloud of smoke, then it explodes. Both Mendo and Kunou are knocked
off their feet and smoke swirls everywhere.) Oh, my... how did that
grenade get among my smoke bombs? Are you OK, brother?
(Meanwhile, Ataru-chan is trying to skulk away in the smoke.)
Ataru-chan: (thinking.) Now, all I have to do is get away, find some hot
water, proposition a babe, and--
(Suddenly, she is glomped from behind.)
Voice: Nihao, airen*!
* - Chinese for 'beloved.'
(Ataru-chan looks around desperately. Even through the thinning smoke, she
can see Shampoo glomped onto her, hugging her tightly.)
Ataru-chan: (to herself.) On the other hand, this plan seems better...
ooh, it's that chinese babe that's after Ranma! She must think I'm her, er
him... whatever! Heh, this is better than those mind-switching earmuffs!
Now, what would Ranma say...? (Out loud.) H-hairspray!
Shampoo: (blinking cutely.) Ranma? You okay? Hairspray back at village.
Shampoo here!
Ataru-chan: Oh, um... I mean your hairspray was... making my nose itch,
yeah! It's, um, good to see you, Shampoo... I... (Ataru's voice falters,
seeing an image of a demonic Lum chasing him, or, even worse, crying.) I--
Lum: Darling!! What have I told you about other women?!
Ataru-chan: Ack, Lum! (She tries to run, but Shampoo's glomp is holding
her fast.)
(Shampoo blinks at this, and looks over at Lum, just as...)
Lum: Divine Retribution!! *ZAP*
(Ataru-chan and Shampoo get massively shocked and fall unconscious. Lum
grabs Ataru-chan by her hair and drags her out.)
Lum: (muttering.) Darling no baka... should learn not to fool around with
other women...
(By now, the ballroom is nearly empty. Kunou is lying unconscious, knocked
out by the grenade. Sasuke is applying a damp towel to his forehead.
Mendo staggers to his feet. In the background, a brightly blushing
Ryuunosuke and Tsubasa, followed by a more furtive Akane and Ranma, duck
out from underneath a table and out the door.)
Mendo: Ryoko, why must you always interfere? You--(he notices that Ryoko
is nowhere to be seen. Nabiki is sitting nearby, watching him, however, so
he regains his composure and smiles. For once, however, it seems his charm
has no effect.)
Nabiki: Oh, good, you're up. I thought about telling you this later, but
it's usually better to do this face-to-face. (She starts getting her purse
and stole arranged. Mendo watches in confusion.) Now, don't get me wrong,
you're an educated, charming, sophisticated, handsome, RICH guy... but I
think your lifestyle leaves a lot to be desired. (She indicates the
disaster area the ballroom has become. Mendo's mouth drops open in shock.)
I don't think a relationship would really work out between us, Mendo-san...
sorry. (With that, she heads out the door, not looking back.)
Mendo: (flabbergasted.) Impossible... how could she... refuse Mendo
Shutaro?? (He imagines what his family and peers would say if they knew he
had been rejected.) I vow on my honor as a Mendo, Tendo Nabiki, we shall
date again! (Lightning crashes outside, and a heavy rain begins to fall
ominously.)
(Elsewhere, a slightly charred Shampoo picks herself off the floor, bashing
away the concerned-looking duck waddling nearby.)
Shampoo: (to herself in Chinese.) <That was that alien who married the
lech. Does she now have her sights on my Ranma? No! I'll die before I'll
let her beat... me...> (Suddenly, realization dawns, and a horrified look
crosses Shampoo's face.) <She beat me... she beat me in less than 5
seconds... my honor is ruined... again. And this time, she isn't really a
boy...> (She speaks aloud in a furious tone.) Shampoo no care if Ranma no
like, Shampoo will have revenge. Will find Lum, and give Kiss of Death!
End of Act II
Act III
War
Scene: The Tendo Dojo. A delivery man has just dropped off a large
package, wrapped in foil, and a bouquet of roses. Kasumi thanks him and
takes the package inside. After placing it on the living room table, she
begins to straighten up the room. Mr.Tendo walks in with his newspaper.
Mr. Tendo: Eh, what's this?
Kasumi: Oh, it's another package for Nabiki from that Mendo boy, I think.
Father, do you think it's proper for his to send her all these gifts?
Mr. Tendo: Oh, I wouldn't worry... young men will do almost anything to
get the attention of a girl they fancy. (He raises his voice.) Nabiki!
Mail! (Lowering his voice to normal.) Why, it may come as a surprise to
you, but in my younger days, I did some wild and crazy things to catch your
mother's eye.
Kasumi: Oh, my.
(Nabiki enters and looks at the package, eyeing the address label. Then
she shrugs.)
Nabiki: Send it back.
Mr. Tendo: 'Send it back?' But you haven't even opened it.
Nabiki: I don't particularly care.
Kasumi: Are you feeling okay, Nabiki?
Mr. Tendo: (opening the box.) But look! Beluga caviar, Nova Scotia
salmon, gourmet cheeses... I think you really should give this boy a
second chance, Nabiki.
Genma: (appearing out of nowhere.) F-food.
Mr. Tendo: (clutching the caviar to his chest protectively.) Back,
Saotome! I was here first!
Nabiki: Look, I don't care what he sends... he's just not my type, end of
story. (She takes the food back from Mr. Tendo and Genma and reseals the
box. She scrawls 'Return to Sender' on it and dumps it in the mailbox.)
Genma: All that lovely food...
Mr. Tendo: Nabiki! As your father, I think you should reconsider how you
are treating this Mendo lad. He seems like a fine, upstanding young man.
Nabiki: You mean he's loaded, right, Daddy?
Mr. Tendo: Right! (He reconsiders.) That's not what I meant! I only
want what's best for you, Nabiki...
Nabiki: Right, just like you do for Akane.
(Meanwhile, outside the dojo, a van tries to sit inconspicuously. However,
the fact that no car is ever parked on the road outside the Tendo Dojo
hampers its attempt. Inside, a pair of Mendo troopers sit with earphones
on. A vast array of expensive listening devices is trained on the Dojo.)
Nabiki's voice: (from a speaker) ...like you do for Akane.
Trooper 48220: Inform the young master that Gift #17 has been rejected!
Trooper 48221: Hai! (He picks up a cell phone and begins dialling.)
Nabiki's voice: Listen, I'll tell you what I think of Mendo... he's a
SQWRRRXX--!
(Both troopers wince as a loud burst of static crackles over the speaker.
At almost the same moment, there is a loud THUMP from the roof of the van,
as if something landed on it. A second later, there is another thump,
followed by a faint peal of maniacal laughter.)
Voice from outside: Wait, Ranma-sama! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wait for
your Kodachi!
Trooper 48221: They must have knocked over the dish again. How long is
she going to be chasing him?
Trooper 48220: It doesn't matter. We might as well head back and report
in person.
(A moment later, the van drives off. Its departure does not go unnoticed,
as Sasuke, the Kunou family ninja, and one of Ryoko's bunraku sit up from
their hidden observation post and snap quick pictures of the van.
Apparently they have been watching the van for some time, as their
observation post is littered with the remains of a picnic lunch. The two
of them gather up their gear and prepare to leave.)
Sasuke: It's nice to be dealing with a professional for a change.
Goodbye! (The bunraku waves amiably and sprints off towards the Mendo
mansion, while Sasuke heads toward the Kunou mansion.) Such a nice fellow,
I'm glad we didn't have to fight over who got to spy on those blackguards.
Still, Master Kunou won't like this news...
Scene: A cavern located deep beneath the Mendo estate. A pit of lave
bubbles ominously nearby, throwing up fumes. An elevator descends down one
wall of the cavern and stops at the level of the lava. A stone path leads
from the elevator to what appears to be some sort of family altar. Mendo,
looking as immaculately dressed as ever, steps out of the elevator and
makes his way over to the shrine.
Mendo: Grandfather? (No answer.) Grandfather! (Still no answer.)
GRANDFATHER!!
(With a snort, an old, white-haired man with ridiculously thick eyebrows
falls over from where he was napping behind the shrine. Looking up, he
beams at Mendo.)
Grandfather: Ah, Shutaro-kun! Come for more advice from your Grandfather,
have you?
Mendo: Yes, Grandfather. I--
Grandfather: Shutaro, I have something important to tell you.
Mendo: Hai!
Grandfather: If you wish a resolution to your problem, you must attack
your friend Ton and--
Mendo: (looking irritated.) I already did that, Grandfather. All we did
was destroy the town. And we had to pay for half of the repairs when it
was over.
Grandfather: (looking befuddled.) We already did that? Oh.
Mendo: I am here because of a woman. She--
Grandfather: Oho! Woman trouble! You've come to the right place! You
see, Shutaro-kun, when you find a woman, you must impress her! Sweep her
off her feet!
Mendo: I have tried to, Grandfather, but nothing seems to work.
Grandfather: Then you must fall back upon the Four Manly Virtues! Show
her these, and she will fall into your arms!
Mendo: The Four Manly Virtues?
Grandfather: Yes! Courage! (He strikes a silly pose and a banner unrolls
on the wall behind him to show the symbol for courage.) Honor! (Another
silly pose, another banner.) Persistence! (Again with the pose, again
with the banner.) Reckless Stupidity! (He almost falls into the lava pool
and the banner behind him reads "BAKA.")
Mendo: (A large sweatdrop is forming behind his head.) THOSE are the Four
Manly Virtues?
Grandfather: Hai! Listen closely and I tell you how to win the heart of
your girl.
(Mendo leans over so the old man can whisper in his ear. He nods in
agreement as he listens, a cunning smile crossing his face.)
Scene: Several days later, at Furinkan High, the School Festival is in
full swing. The entire population of the school mills around between gaily
decorated booths. There are booths for almost every class and school
activity, from the Archery club to the Zoology club. Students not
currently running their club booths visit the other booth and engage in all
sorts of activities. In one section, a small stage has been set up.
Furinkan's beloved (BOOO!!!) principal is now taking center mike.
Principal: (in a booming voice.) ALOHA! Good afternoon, everybody! I am
welcoming you to another FUN fes-ti-val! But first, we got to cover the
ground rules! Number One! No fighting or obnoxious behavior!
Voice in the crowd: What about you, then?!
(The Principal tosses several pineapples out in the direction of the voice,
and a series of explosions silences and further questions.)
Principal: To enforce this rule, we have, not one, but two VERY fine
teacher. So let's everyone give a big ALOHA welcome to Miss Ninomiya
Hinako and Mr. Toshiba Mitoshi!
(There is a resounding lack of Aloha until a few razor-edged leis give a
few people a buzz cut. Miss Hinako, looking all of twelve years old again
bounds up onto the stage with a squeal of delight, while Toshiba Mitoshi,
the Mercenary Truant Officer, looks grimly forbidding with his black
trenched and fedora, his nightstick held at ready.)
Miss Hinako: OK, everyone! Let's have some fun! Wheee!
(Miss Hinako zooms off to the snack booth while the Principal and the
Truant Officer sweatdrop. Everyone else assumes the speeches are over and
start moving away.)
Principal: Wait! Rule Two! Everyone must get a haircut before they can
leave the festival! (He charges towards a small clump of students,
clippers gleaming.)
Toshiba: (muttering to himself.) And I thought Tomobiki was bad... maybe
I should check out the schools around Osaka or Kyoto instead of Tokyo next
year...
Scene: Ranma and Akane are actually seeing the fair together and seem to
be getting along, for now.
Ranma: Geeze, what a waste of time...
Akane: (in an irritated voice.) What would you rather being doing,
sitting around at home? Besides, you promised you'd help run the class
booth.
Ranma: Yeah, yeah.
Akane: Besides, you seemed to enjoy this sort of thing well enough when
you were stuck as a girl under the Cat's Tongue...
Ranma: I did not!
(OK, getting along is a relative thing for them. As they argue, they weave
their way around the crowd, looking at the various booths. In one of them,
Nabiki is haggling with the students running one of those goldfish-catching
games.)
Nabiki: OK, your share comes to-- (She spies Ranma and Akane.) Hold on a
sec. Yo, Ranma-kun! Akane! Over here! (She turns back to the students.)
Here you go, 1000 yen.
Student1: Hey, waitta sec! You--
Student2: Let it go. It's not worth it, trust me.
(Nabiki smiles the winning smile of a shark that has just caught its prey
and turns to Akane and Ranma.)
Ranma: Yo, Nabiki, what's up?
Akane: Hi, oneechan. Enjoying the fair?
Nabiki: It couldn't be better! Profits are up 3% over last year already.
And Ranma-kun will be helping me make even more.
Ranma: And how do you figure that?
Nabiki: Simple.
Scene: A dunking booth. Ranma, clad only in his tank-top and boxers is
glaring at Nabiki from the bottom of the ladder leading up into the booth.
Ranma: How did I let you talk me into this?
Nabiki: Simple. You welshed on our deal about getting me a date with
Mendo.
Ranma: You went on a date--!
Nabiki: (Sarcastically.) Ranma, if I wanted Akane and Shinobu to do it, I
could have gotten them. Also, I don't think you'd want me to sell THIS
picture to Kunou-chan...
(Nabiki shows a picture of Ranma and Akane crawling out from under a buffet
at Mendo's gala. Both of them are blushing and looking guilty about
something.)
Ranma: You wouldn't dare! (Nabiki just smiles.) Alright, I'll do it...
Nabiki: That's a good boy.
(Nabiki walks away from the booth. She smiles a little as she hears a ball
whisk through the air and then a male yell quickly turning into a female
scream.)
Scene: Somewhere in the woods. A lone figure tramps disconsolately,
carrying a backpack and an umbrella.
Ryouga: Where the hell am I now?!?! (He slumps against a tree.) Oh,
Akane... what am I going to do? Shinobu, do I really care about you...?
Saotome!! This is all your fau--*SPLOOSH*
(Suddenly, a stream of water catches Ryouga out of nowhere. The stream is
very concentrated, just like from a fire hose, and it sends P-chan tumbling
into the bushes. A man in the uniform of a Mendo trooper comes up followed
by a large army vehicle, like the Armored Personnel Carrier, with a large
turret holding a high-pressure water gun.)
Mendo Trooper 2341: Test successful. Inform the Young Master we are in
place to commence our assault!
Other Mendo Troopers: Hai!
Scene: The Festival. Nabiki is wandering from booth to booth, settling
accounts with the various school clubs and collecting a lot of cash. Akane
is following her.
Akane: Why did you have to do that to Ranma, oneechan?
Nabiki: What, the dunking booth? Aw, it won't hurt him at all. Daisuke
and Hiroshi promised to pour hot water on him each time, too. So he won't
have to put up with being a girl for very long.
Akane: Why would you do that...?
Nabiki: Hey, the girls like to see guys in wet clothing, the guys like to
see girls. Ranma satisfies both crowds.
Akane: Oneechan!
Nabiki: If you two would just get serious about your engagement, I
wouldn't be able to do all of this, you know...
Akane: ...
(The two come up on a small booth labeled "Ucchan's Okonomiyaki-ya. Ukyou
is behind the booth making, guess what, okonomiyaki.)
Ukyou: Welcome to... oh, hi, Akane-chan, Nabiki!
Akane: (Managing a smile, somehow.) Hi, Ukyou. How's business?
Ukyou: Doing pretty well, even with the _competition._ (She points to a
booth across the way.) Nabiki, how come you didn't mention HER when you
got me this spot?
(Nabiki puts on a look of wounded innocence while Akane looks where Ukyou
is pointing. Shampoo and Mousse are running a booth. The booth's sign
proclaims it to be the Nekohanten, Furinkan Festival branch.)
Akane: Cologne isn't here, is she?
Ukyou: (Sounding dissatisfied.) No. She's running the main branch, while
_I_ had to close down my shop to run this. (She looks daggers at Nabiki.)
Nabiki: Hey, we never said anything about exclusivity. That would have
cost you more.
(Ukyou gives up on arguing with Nabiki. She turns to Akane.)
Ukyou: So, where's Ranchan?
Akane: He's doing a turn at the dunking booth.
Ukyou: Really? What made him do that? He hates... (She looks at Nabiki.)
Oh, I see. Well, I wish I could take time to go see him, but--
(Ukyou is interrupted by several screams and the sound of a, no, several
loud engines. There is a splash followed by the sound of splintering wood.
The girls looks down the row of booths and the Mendo Armored Vehicle,
followed by a compatriot and supported by several ranks of troops, smashing
through the booths and spraying festival-goers with their water cannons.
More Vehicles and troops can be seen crashing though the woods into the
festival. They all have the insignia of a squid on them.)
Akane: WHAT THE--?
Nabiki: Oh, that moron...
(A trooper sticks his head out of one of the Armored Vehicles.)
Trooper 2341: (Using a megaphone.) ATTENTION! WE ARE THE MEN--THE
COMPLETELY UNAFFILIATED ARMOR CORPS. TURN OVER TENDO NABIKI TO US
IMMEDIATELY AND NO ONE WILL BE HARMED!
Akane: Nabiki? What do they want with you... (She turns and sees that
Nabiki is gone.) Nabiki!!
(Scene: A darkened booth. Kunou is meditating atop a stack of a dozen or
so mats, staring at a wall festooned with pictures of Akane and Ranma-chan.
We can hear faint screams from outside. Another student dressed in kendo
garb throws open the door to the booth and scrambles before Kunou.)
Student: (Bowing.) Kunou-sempai! Someone is--
Kunou: Why dost thou interrupt my meditations? Speak, and if the cause of
your interruption be trivial, I shall show you what it means to--
Student: The Festival is under attack!
Kunou: At last! A call to arms! Come, rally the kendo club! We shall
smite them! Then, the fair akane and the lovely pig-tailed girl shall fall
into my arms! Bwahahahahaha!
Student: (A big sweatdrop forming.) But, sempai, they have tanks, and...
Kunou: Silence! It does not matter! A true practitioner of the mighty
art of the sword need fear nothing! I--
(One of the armored vehicles swipes the side of the building, collapsing a
wall. The wall falls right on Kunou as he pontificates.)
Student: Kunou-sempai!
(In another part of the Festival, a nondescript man views the destruction
being wreaked on the festival. He ducks into an empty booth.)
Man: This looks like a job for... (He pulls open his shirt, revealing a
black blue costume beneath it, with a large "FF" in the center) ...
Furinkan Festival Man!
Principal: (Appearing out of nowhere, razors out.) ALOOOOOO-HA!!
(Screams and the sounds of clippers follow. Elsewhere, Nabiki runs up to a
nerdy student helping run a booth laden down with electronics equipment.
The sign over it says, "Furinkan High Computers and Communications Club.")
Nabiki: Toshiro! We have a situation here, contact all the club leaders
and mobilize them.
Toshiro: But Nabiki, we have to clear out before--
Nabiki: Do you want me to tell Kikuko-san about what you were doing friday
night, and tell the other members of your club about--?
Toshiro: (visibly sweating.) I'll do it! (He turns to the other people
in the booth and within moments they are using their equipment to hack into
the Festival PA system. A quick fanfare goes out over the system.)
(Elsewhere in the festival, at the Chem Club booth.)
Chem Club President: At last! We can show the TRUE might of our genius!
(Yelling at his lab-coated subordinates.) Quick! Ready our gear!
Club: Hai!
(The Archery Club.)
Archery Club President: (raising his bow above his head as he addresses
the other club members.) Whether we stand or fall today, we WILL defend
this Festival! Are you with me?!
Club: FURINKAN!
(The Survivalist Club:)
Club President: (opening a hidden trap door in the grass beneath their
booth, revealing a fully stocked bunker with weapons, ammo, food, water,
etc.) Quick, men! Survival or Death! (HE and the club dive inside and
pull the door closed.
(The Economics Club:)
Club Member: (Speaking into a cell phone.) Right, odds are currently
running 3:1 against the home team? Now, place the bets as follows...
Club Member 2: (also speaking into a cell phone.) ...and stockpile food,
candy, medical supplies. After the battle we can make a killing on...
Club Member 3: (also... you get the idea...) President Nabiki? No, she's
unavailable...
(The French Club:)
Club President: (Sneaking a look over the high battlements of their
booth.) Hey, you japanese-type tank driving sissies! I fart in your
general direction! Go away, or I shall taunt you a second time! (To his
people down below:) Fetchez le vache! (A faint moo is heard.)
(The Quebec Nationalist Club... okay, you get the idea. We cut to
Ranma-chan, pulling herself out of the dunking booth.)
Ranma-chan: Huh? What the heck is going on?
Shampoo: (glomping Ranma from nowhere.) Oh, airen!* You save Shampoo,
yes?
Mousse: Saotome, you fiend! How dare you lay your hands on Shampoo! (He
is addressing a dummy in the nearby Fashion Club booth. It is wearing
camos and a gun belt.)
Ranma-chan: (trying to get Shampoo off of her.) Awww, man!
P-chan: (attacking Ranma's leg from nowhere.) Bweeeeee!
Ukyou: (running up, Mega-Spatula ready.) Hey, Shampoo, get your hands off
of Ranchan!
Shampoo: (Sticking her tongue out at Ukyou.) Biiiiiiii! Shampoo here
first!
(An armored vehicle lumbers up, stopping within five feet of the arguing
teens.)
Ukyou: (trying to use her spatula to pry Shampoo off of Ranma.) Let
Ranchan go!
Mousse: Shampoo, my love? Where are you?
(A large sweat drop appears behind the Armored Vehicle. A trooper sticks
his head out.)
Trooper: Um, Hello?
Ranma-chan: (getting glomped and pried at.) Hey, c'mon guys! (Gasps for
breath.) Give it a rest already!
Trooper: (getting annoyed.) HELLO!!!!
P-chan: (getting punted by Ranma into the stratosphere.) Bweeeeee....!!
Shampoo: Not-cute girl leave Shampoo and Ranma. Ranma take Shampoo for
date!
Ukyou: (Doing that aura thing.) No way!
Trooper: (speaking down into the armored vehicle.) Hose them.
(A spray of water from the vehicles cannon catches them all, leaving two
girls, a cat, and a duck.)
Trooper: Huh?
Ranma-chan: (Freaking.) C-C-C-C-CAT!!!!!! (She runs off, Shampoo-neko
firmly attached. Mousse quacks angrily and flaps off after them.
Ukyou: (Fuming.) Shampoo no baka! (She takes off after them.) Ranchan!
Wait!
(Back at the C&C booth, Nabiki is still giving orders to the club.
Suddenly, a shadow falls over them. Looking up, she sees Mendo dropping in
via parachute. He makes a perfect landing beside her.)
Nabiki: (Not amused.) The skydiving club is about ten booths down, you
know.
Mendo: Tendo Nabiki, I am here to save you! (He strikes a heroic pose.)
Nabiki: Do tell.
Mendo: Yes, I have learned that terrorists are after you. (He smiles,
teeth glinting. Some of the girls in the C&C club swoon.) I offer you the
protection of the Mendo Clan and myself.
Nabiki: (not convinced.) Oh, really. Well, perhaps you'd like to explain
why the "terrorists" all have Mendo Clan emblems on their gear. Or why
they say that they're following your orders when they attack?
Mendo: What?
(Nabiki points over to a booth. The sign proclaims it to be the Torture
Research Club, Furinkan Division. We can see two Mendo Troopers having
their feet tickled with feathers.)
Nabiki: And that squid sign is pretty blatant.
Mendo: (muttering.) I TOLD those idiots to remove the symbols!
Nabiki: Now, unless you want word of the great Mendo Clan's defeat by a
puny high school, I suggest you start offering to make amends for this
mess.
Mendo: Defeat? Ha! Even if they are NOT the Mendo Corps, they have
armored vehicles and guns! What can Furinkan hope to do about them?
(Nabiki nods to one of the C&C students, and he turns on a radio.)
Radio: (many different voices, all overlapping.) "This is AV557,
requesting backup! There's some girl here CLAWING through our armor and
meowing!" "This is AV435, we need--" "HAPPOU-FIVE-YEN-SATSU!"
"AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!" "My God, I just saw a maniac with clippers shave off
Fujiro's HELMET!" "RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!" "--you heard me! It's a
NIGHTSTICK! It always returns--" *THUD* "Surrender, miscreants, before
the might of Toshiba Mitoshi!" "Some girl with a MALLET is trashing our
troops!" "We can't retreat! Someone has laid mines on our escape routes!"
"We're pinned down by arrows! Stop laughing!" "Game over, man, game
over...!"
(Nabiki just sits there looking smug. Mendo grits his teeth in
frustration.)
Mendo: Very well... I will pay for the damages.
(Suddenly, a helicopter bearing the Mendo Clan Crest flies over head, and a
middle-aged man with a mustache leaps out.)
Man: I am proud of you, Shutaro.
Mendo: Father!
Mendo's Father: It takes a strong man to admit defeat, especially for a
Mendo. You have learned a valuable lesson today, my son. I was watching
how you dealt with this situation, for as head of the Mendo Clan, I must
make certain you can take the pressures the job will one day demand of you.
You persevered, met your responsibilities, and, when there was no other
option, gracefully admitted your losses.
Mendo: (Looking respectfully at his father.) Father, I--I had no idea.
Mendo's Father: Remember this lesson well, my son, for--eh?
(Nabiki is presenting an itemized bill to Mendo's father.)
Nabiki: Your bill, of course. After all that talk of meeting
responsibilities, I thought you'd be happy to pay it.
Mendo's Father: (Sweatdropping.) Um, I'm sure we can talk about this
another time.
Nabiki: (continuing as if she hadn't heard him.) It's itemized, as you
can see. So much for arranging to date your son, so much for damages and
emotional trauma resulting from the riot at the party. So much to arrange
for the supplies used by the clubs...
Mendo: (gripping his sword and glowering at his father.) FATHER!!!
Mendo's Father: Now, now, Shutaro! It was merely a lesson you had to
learn! I had to make sure--
Mendo: DIIIIEEEEE!!!
(Much chaos follows. Later, Nabiki and Mendo are looking over the ruins of
the school fair. Mendo Clan construction vehicles are clearing away the
debris.)
Mendo: All of this, because of my father's...
Nabiki: Well, I don't know... seemed like a pretty profitable day to me.
(She cocks her head at him.) Did you really go through all that just to
date with me?
Mendo: (absently.) Hai.
Nabiki: Hmmm... Well, I will tell you this, you didn't make this an easy
job. I didn't think you'd put up this much of a fight.
Mendo: (looking at her.) I was surprised as well.
(They both stand there for a moment.)
Mendo: By the way, I'm throwing another party this weekend. I was
wondering if you'd maybe like to attend it with me?
Nabiki: (Considering it, then smiling.) Sure!
(Pull back away from Furinkan and fade as the sound of a colossal facefault
is heard. Ranma-chan pops up from the bottom of the screen. Shampoo-neko
is clinging to her shoulder.)
Ranma-chan: (Panting, looking exhausted.) Man, I cannot deal with that
again. (She notices Shampoo-neko.) AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
End of Act III
[End of Part 5]
Jeffrey Paul Hosmer rogue1@netcom.com
4001 Old Quarry Terrace
Alexandria, VA 22306