Yeah, I'm a phoney all right.  After reading various Rutsch
fics, last friday I wrote this thing up.  I'm really
disappointed with the Ranma and Nabiki 9 fic, by the way.
I mean, I like Rutsch's psychotic-writing(fighting)-style,
but Ran & Nab was already so good I wanted to see an 
ending that fit the other episodes.

Oh, well.  He's the writer so why am *I* whining?

Signed, PhoneyNT

                            Wierd

                         by PhoneyNT

It was a regular day at the Tendo house.  Ranma, as usual, had suffered
through multiple attacks from all four of his fiancees today.  He staggered
upstairs after getting home and flopped on his futon.

"Damn it all!  If only I had some semblance of a normal life..."

Little did Ranma know, his already strange life was about to become, well,
screwed up.

He moved his head onto his pillow and started to snooze.  He didn't notice
the new, black pillowcase with the faint embroidery of a rose on it.

                                    -

Ranma had a troubled dream during his nap.  His entire world, in the dream,
seemed to be falling apart.  People were dying, every house on the street
was on fire.  He heard a horrific moan.  Startled, he whirled around.

There stood a horribly disfigured Akane.  She said once, "Ran...ma..."
and then she exploded in a terrible, disgusting mess of blood, guts, and
limbs.

Ranma ran to her remains, and grabbed her head in his hands, while trying to
shut out the screams of the couple across the street with arrows through
their heads and the large bubbling mass at the end of the same street saying
"Kaneda..."

"Akane!  Please!  What's happened!  Oh, god!  Oh, shit!  It's so unfair--I
was so unfair to you, wasn't I!  I never got a chance to tell you the truth!
Oh, Ak--"  He was cut off by seven maces that flew at his general direction
and crunched the pavement where they landed.

Akane's head spoke up.  "Get the hell away from me, Ranma!"  It sneered.
"Why don't you just go off with Shampoo or something?  I see you've got her
naked now that I'm dead!"

Suddenly, the thrower of the maces rose into Ranma's view.  It was Shampoo.
She wasn't wearing anything except the sword in her right hand.

"Oh, no!" Ranma screamed in anguish.  Shampoo's sword arced in what seemed
to be slow-motion towards Ranma's neck, yet it was somehow obvious that,
with the slightest contact, the blow would chop his head clean off.

                                    -

Ranma woke up, gasping loudly for breath and sweating.  A quick glance at
the alarm clock revealed that it was 6:30 in the evening.  It was just
getting dark out.  Yet, somehow, it felt like a brand new day.  Like the
first day of high school...like something new was starting.

He ambled downstairs.  The smells of burnt fish emanated from the kitchen.
The family waited in front of the table, seeming nervous about something.

"Oh, no.  Don't tell me Akane's cooking again."

"Akane's cooking again," Kasumi obliged.

"I told you not to tell me that."

As if on cue, Akane emerged from the kitchen with some plates of burnt rice
and fish.

"Akane!" exclaimed Ranma, "Why don't you try cooking more simple stuff?  Like
potato chips!"

"I worked hard on this food, you haven't even tried it, so sit down and shut
up!"

"Damn it!  I'm sick of this B.S.!  Bring it here already!"

Akane, irate at Ranma for his earlier comments, slammed the plate down in
front of him, throwing some of the food on the table and floor in the
process.  Ranma picked up his chopsticks and started on his dinner.  He
simply ignored the horrible taste, he suppressed the gag reflex, and
just...ate it.  Genma and the Tendo family(save Akane) watched in mute
horror, and Nabiki seemed to have a bemused expression on her face.

Akane grinned in satisfaction.

"At least this meal was halfway edible.  I don't know what I would have done
if it had been like last week's waste of food," Ranma thought to himself.

                                    -

The rest of the night passed uneventfully.  During the morning's training,
Ranma and Genma had their usual brawl, ending in the usual way.
The next day, on the way to school, Ranma and Akane were accosted by
Kuno yet again.

Only, this time, Ranma wasn't taking it.  "I really feel like a new man!
Who is Kuno to ruin my day for me?" he asked himself.

Ranma grabbed Kuno by the lapels of his outfit.  "Upperclassman Kuno!  For
pete's sake, leave us alone!  Akane and I are sharing some time together as
we walk to school and you have to interrupt us!  I think it's time I taught
you a real lesson."

Akane's jaw hung open at the mention of "sharing time together."  It gaped
even more when she watched Ranma punch Kuno's lights out and then open a
sewer manhole and drop his unconscious body in.

"Ranma!  That was not very nice..."

"Ah, who cares?  It won't hurt him to get a little dirty.  What's up?  Going
ga-ga over Kuno now?"

"That's not--"

"Well, feel free to join him in the sewers.  You should be right at home down
there."

"Ranma, shut up!" Akane yelled.  She started to punch him, but he grabbed her
fist and held it tight.

"You tomboy!  If you want Kuno so bad, don't fight me, go run to him,"  Ranma
never completed his sentence.  The other hand had dealt him a well-placed
mallet strike to the chin.

                                    -

Ten minutes later, Ranma and Akane could see the school.  Suddenly, a flash
of purple came from the sky.  "Nihao!" it yelled.

Shampoo jumped into Ranma's arms, expecting resistance but hoping to turn
him away from the tomboy.  Resistance was the last thing on Ranma's mind.
He instead embraced her tighter.

"You know something?  All this emotional B.S. is getting to me.  Of all my
fiancees, you really do have the hottest body.  So why should I be picky?"
he told Shampoo, before giving her a very long kiss.

Shampoo's mind fluttered and she tried her hardest to stay conscious.

"At last," she sighed to herself, "I can return to China!  With Ranma as my
husband, even!"

Akane gasped and started to choke.  Before she ran back home, she malleted
the new couple into the sky.

Ranma and Shampoo landed in the rich part of town.  After reaching under
Shampoo's tunic and giving her rear end a couple squeezes, Ranma told her
to go back to where she should be, and that he would contact her later.
She willingly obliged, saying, "Anything for Ranma."

                                    -

It was four o' clock in the afternoon.  Ranma was on his way home when a
terrorist attack came from the roof of the school.

"Hohohohohohohoho!  Ranma, did you sleep well last night?"

"No, Kodachi!  In fact, it was one of the worst dreams I've ever had!"

"Isn't that wonderful?"

"No--Yes!  Ever since then, I've had new resolve to get things done!"

"So, what are you going to do now, Ranma my love?"

"Shampoo.  Well, first I'll do homework, then Shampoo.  Then I'll have to
make arrangements to live somewhere else, 'cause I won't be able to live with
the Tendos anymore..."

"...What?" Kodachi nearly yelled.  "You want that--that hussy?  I'll kill
her!"

                                    -

Ranma shrugged and went back to the Tendo house.  Downstairs, everything was
entirely silent.

"Where is everyone?" Ranma wondered.  He walked upstairs.  Inside Akane's
room were the sounds of something getting smashed repeatedly, and a girl's
angry voice yelling "who needs him, anyway?"

"I wonder--naah, why should I go in there and get hit by that tomboy?"

Ranma continued and came to Nabiki's room.  He knocked twice, waited for the
answer, and then entered.

"What do you want, Ranma?"

"I need you to...get rid of someone for me."

"Who might that be?  Ukyo?  Shampoo?"

"Kodachi.  I want her permanently gone.  I'll pay for everything you need."
I'll tip well if it's done clean enough.  There's loads of profit in it for
you."

"Yes," agreed Nabiki.  "Loads.  But--well, why are you so angry at her
anyway?"

"Because...she got in the way of me and someone I like."

Nabiki smiled knowingly.  "You've finally gotten serious with Akane, have
you?"

"No way."

She grinned inwardly.  "Still as shy as ever.  Well, if it'll help Akane,
I'll do it," she decided quietly.

"Here's fifty-thousand yen for starters."  Ranma handed Nabiki the cash which
he had stolen from her the night before.

                                    -

At Kodachi's house, plans for battle were in motion.  Kodachi tossed her
gymnastics rings and ribbons around, practicing for the next fight.  The
Kuno family ninjas prepared for the attack on the Cat Cafe.

The doorbell rang.

"Hi, could you get Kodachi for me?" a female voice asked.

The doorman turned and walked into the practice room, and told Kodachi that
Ranma Saotome was at the door.  She zipped towards the foyer.

"You foul girl!  What brings you here on this sweet day, the day of my
nemesis' death?"

"Here," Ranma-chan said while handing Kodachi a ticket, "is one ticket to the
Bahamas.  Ranma has the other one.  Go get on the plane reserved for you at
the airport and wait for him, he'll be there in a half an hour."

"He wants to go to the islands alone with me?  Oh, Ranma, I see you've
finally forgotten about the Chinese bimbo, the red-haired skank," --she paused
here to give a dirty look at Ranma-chan--, "and the stupid tomboy!  I'm
going right noooowwwwww!"  Kodachi exclaimed, already jumping high into
the sky.

The ninjas closed the door and put all their weapons away.

                                    -

A half an hour later, Kodachi arrived at the plane.  The doorman, wearing a
large trenchcoat, handed her a rose "from Ranma" and ushered her in.

He ran like the dickens.

Ten seconds later, the plane exploded into a huge gas fireball.

                                    -

Nabiki regarded Ranma-chan steadily.  "You do realize how much it will cost
to make sure no one finds out it's your fault," she quipped, watching the
inferno as the fire teams cleaned the mess up.

Ranma-chan turned to Nabiki, a dark expression on her face.  Suddenly, she
grabbed Nabiki in the side and squeezed with all her might.

Nabiki tried to shriek, but somehow, she couldn't get her lungs to work
well enough.  What came out was a small "eep."

"Do you like this, Nabiki?  It's pain.  Real pain.  The worst you've ever
felt.  Do you want some more?  Huh?  Do ya?"

She squeezed again to punctuate her statement.

Nabiki gasped, "Wh-what are you...saying?"  She felt Ranma-chan start to
apply more pressure and whimpered.

"If you don't like this, keep your thieving mouth shut."

"Y-you know, I could put you in jail."

"But if I broke out, I'd maim you."

"You couldn't find me."

"I'd never stop looking for you until I found you."

Nabiki seemed to mull this over, at first doubting Ranma could ever find her
in such a large world.  Then she remembered about male hormones and Ryoga...
and if Ryoga could find Ranma, then trying to elude Ranma would be nearly
impossible.

"Okay, okay, you win."

Ranma-chan let go of her, then turned her back and started walking towards
the Tendo house.

                                    -

Halfway to the Tendo house, Ranma-chan changed course and went instead to
the Cat Cafe.  She was greeted by a splash of warm water and a passionate
hug from Shampoo.  Cologne stood in the background, looking like the cat who
ate the canary.

Ranma, now male, carried Shampoo into the restaurant, kissing her face all
the way.  She responded by wrapping her legs around his body.  He was still
standing up carrying her.  Patrons in the restaurant edged away and
discreetly tried to exit the establishment.

Shampoo couldn't believe her ... luck?  Whatever it was that had made Ranma
act this way, she would not welcome its departure anytime soon.  Suddenly
Ranma was lifting her tunic up and his hands were...were ... she felt
so ... Shampoo blushed at her own thoughts.  Her head was bombarded by a
deluge of feelings.  Then she felt like she was airborne.

"Wow," she mused, "This is as good as I thought it would be."

                                    -

Shampoo didn't know it yet, but she was indeed airborne.  Akane still stood
in her striking position.  She looked at the hole in the ceiling, then turned
her head to face Ranma.

"So, already going all the way, huh, you...you pervert!"

She tried uppercut Ranma with a mallet but, for the first time, he
retaliated.  He grabbed her wrist and nearly crushed it in his grip.

"So, former fiancee, why are you meddling in my love life?" he inquired,
emphasizing the 'my'.

"Uh..."

"You most foul betrayer."

They both turned at the source of the rebuke.  Kuno stood in the doorway
of the cafe with a real sword, and samurai armor on.

"This cannot continue!  My sister's pranks have gone far enough!"

"What are you talking about?  Ah, forget it.  Just shut up, Kuno."  Ranma 
was poised to deliver an aerial strike.

                               * * * * *

To be continued.

(Sorry about the poor quality of this fic.  It was done in three days.
 I didn't even indent my paragraphs! ^_^)
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| ******** END * TRANSMISSION ********* |
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	drward@richmond.infi.net