Avast! This one's dedicated to all you weary veterans of the spam
wars, especially the ones who wound it down. Spam, spam, spamity spam,
glorious spam....
I finished writing this about the same time the Kill the Authors story
was annouced. Kinda makes me wish I'd gone a little easier on them...
No animals were harmed in any way during the production of this
fanfic.
Felix is real, and behaves exactly as portrayed. Fear her.
C&C, as always, is sought after. The more the better.
------------------------------------------------On with the show----------
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_ / \ _ (___ __) | |
| |\_/ / ` (___ __) |_|
| `--. / /_ .--` '-. =======
`---. |/ ) | .-. ._ \ .---.
.---' / /-. `-. `-' | `' (_.-. |
`----'`-' `---'`---' .'.'
.'.'_
(_____) The Nameless Saga
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Characters and Backstory by Rumiko Takahashi-MegaSan. Ranma = Hers, okay?
The Fanfic is the fault of Michael Loader. So there
--------------------------------Episode 6: Slow U-Boat to China_---------
(We open on a weatherbeaten sign reading simply, "94". As the
camera pans left, we see a pier, covered with barrels and boxes. A
somewhat shabby-looking trawler is tied up at the end of the pier.
Enter Ranma and Co.)
Akane: Are you sure he said 94, Ranma?
Ranma: Yeah....maybe he's just bringing the boat around.
(Kuga appears aboard the deck of the trawler. He waves cheerfully
to them.)
Kuga: Hello! Don't just stand there, get the #@*^%($! aboard!
Genma: You know, sea travel has never agreed with me, maybe I'll
just wait for you to get back...
(Soun and the others glare at him. He looks back for a second, and
then looks at the deck in resignation.)
Genma: (mumbling) Just a thought.
(They walk warily up the trawler's gangplank. It sags noticeably.
Aboard, conditions aren't much better. The old boat seems to
contain more rust than metal. Kuga is standing proudly on the
foredeck.)
Kuga: Welcome aboard the Pride of Kyoto.
Genma: I wasn't aware that Kyoto had so little community spirit.
Ranma: What a piece of junk! You expect us to go to China in this?
It'll sink in the first strong breeze that hits it.
Kuga: (defensively) Now hold on, there. I've been making runs in
the Pride since before you were born.
Ranma: I'm willing to bet this floating scrap pile was making
"runs" during the Meiji restoration.
Kuga: (coughs) Earlier, actually. But she's a good girl, and can still
move with the best of them.
(A door falls off its hinges with a loud clatter.)
Kuga: (gesturing towards the now open door) Your quarters are
right through here.
(They cautiously enter. The ceiling is a little low, and we hear a
chorus of pain-noises as they discover this fact.)
Kuga: As I said earlier, the boat has three staterooms. Who sleeps
where is up to you.
Ranma: Great. (vague gesture towards Akane) I'm NOT sharing a
room with her.
Akane: (annoyed) I'm glad we see eye to eye for once.
Soun: Enough! It seems simple to me; the girls will bunk together,
Ranma and Ryoga can share a room, and Saotome and I will take the third.
(Ranma and Ryoga exchange dubious glances, as do Akane and
Ukyo.)
Ranma and Ryoga: I don't know if that's a good idea....hey!
(They glare at each other.)
Genma: There shouldn't be any problem. Where are the cabins?
Kuga: Uh.....you're standing on one.
(Pan to Genma's feet. He is standing on a trapdoor labeled "3".)
Ranma: (grinning) Don't you want to see your cabin, old man?
(He kicks the trapdoor's holding pin out. The trapdoor opens.)
Ranma: Going down.
(Genma falls, landing with a crash. Pan down into the cabin. It's
not very big, and has one bed. Genma has landed on it, and as a
result the cabin now has _no_ bed. A group of large rats are
eyeing him.)
Ukyo: Ugh. The ship has rats?
Kuga: They climb aboard when the Pride's in port. Once we put out
to sea, they'll disappear fast enough.
Akane: (skeptical) I don't see where they would go to, if the ship's
at sea.
Kuga: They don't GO anywhere, 'cept maybe hell. Felix gets them.
(As he says "Felix", the rats bolt for a hole.)
Akane: Felix?
Kuga: The ship's cat.
Ranma: CAT! There's a cat on this ship!?!?
Kuga: Yup. Old Felix is probably the most vicious, evil-tempered,
bloodthirsty cat that ever stalked a deck for prey.
(Ranma looks decidedly nervous.)
Ranma: She isn't, uh, around much, is she?
Kuga: (cheerfully) Oh, she gets all over the ship. Locking the doors
doesn't seem to help, she just gets mad and chews through them.
Ranma: (weakly) Chews through them?
Kuga: Wear heavy blankets at night. She'll go after your feet if she
can't find any rats.
(Ranma's eyes roll up into their sockets, and he begins to
collapse. Ukyo catches him.)
Kuga: What's wrong with the boy?
Akane: He's, uh allergic to cats.
Kuga: Too bad. I'll get a bucket of water to bring him around.
Everyone else: NO!!!
Kuga: (taken aback) What, is he allergic to water, too?
Soun: Er, ah.....
Ukyo: We just didn't want to get the deck wet.
Kuga: (shrugs) So bring him topside.
Akane: Ryoga, why don't you take Ranma to your cabin.
Ryoga: If you want me to, Akane.
(He casually slings Ranma over his shoulder, and walks off down
the corridor.)
Kuga: Ah, boy - the other cabins are _that_ way.
(Scene changes to the inside of the Tendo dojo. Happosai is hiding
under a table, a look of panic in his eyes.)
Happosai: Must remember....leave Kasumi alone in the future.....
Kasumi: (voice from a distance) Oh, Master Happosai? Where are
you? I've got dinner all ready....
Happosai: (relieved) Maybe she was just in a bad mood.
Kasumi: And after that, I've got a few vials of hydrochloric acid
and a sandblaster that should get some of that dirt off you.
Happosai: Or maybe she's really, really upset.
(Kasumi enters the room, holding a beaker containing a bubbling
and sizzling liquid.)
Kasumi: There you are! Now hold still...
(Happosai gives a yip of terror, and runs for it. Kasumi follows in
pursuit.)
Happosai: I'm clean enough! This isn't necessary!
Kasumi: You're a dirty old man. (She pulls a squirt pistol from her
apron, and fires at Happosai. The liquid grazes the top of his head,
leaving a burn mark.)
Happosai: OOOOOWWWWW!
Kasumi: You must be cleansed! Everyone must be cleansed!
Happosai: Never!
(He opens a door, and dives through, slamming it behind him.
Kasumi stops short.)
Kasumi: Oh my!
(We follow her gaze. The nameplate attached to the door reads,
"Nabiki Tendo, CEO")
Happosai: (from behind the door) Well, hello dear (glomp)
Waitaminute...ohno....AAAUUUGHHHHTTTTGGHHH!!!! HELP!!!
(Scene changes to the _Searose_'s bridge. Kodachi and Shampoo
are sitting in their deckchairs. Sasuke rushes over.)
Sasuke: They're put to sea, Mistress-Captain Kuno!
Kodachi: (standing) What heading?
Sasuke: "Nerima citizens going abroad".
Shampoo: What?
Sasuke: (holds up a newspaper) That's the heading they gave it.
Page 8, under Dear Abby.
(Shampoo and Kodachi look at each other.)
Kodachi: (patiently) No, faithful retainer. What is their course and
bearing?
Sasuke: Mark two-oh-eight, at a speed of 15 knots.
Kodachi: Plot us an intercept course. Load the tubes with Mark-
23's, and inform the crew.
Sasuke: Your will, Mistress-Captain.
Shampoo: We no torpedo Ranma!
Kodachi: Of course not. We need to find a way to get him off the
boat. If we can't, we'll just cripple the scrap heap he's in, pick
him up, and then send the shorthair hussy and the spatula slut to
the bottom.
Shampoo: Good idea, Ko-chan. But what if he mad at us?
Kodachi: We try to keep out of sight at first. Hopefully, we can
sink them without Ranma ever seeing us.
Shampoo: (shrugs) If he too upset, I just use number 110 rinse on
him. (she glares at the ninjas) Move ship quick, silly men!
Kodachi: Kuonji and Tendo, your bones shall be gathering coral
before the day is out!
(Scene changes to Ukyo and Akane's cabin. Ukyo is sprawled in a
hammock, toying with one of her throwing spatulas and reading a
book. Akane, in her gi, is practicing in a corner. Finally, Ukyo looks
up.)
Ukyo: (slightly exasperated) Akane, you've been training for five
hours now. Why don't you sit down?
Akane: (stopping) Sorry. Just trying to work off a little irritation.
Ukyo: (mutters) You'll have to train a lot longer for that to
happen...
Akane: What?
Ukyo: Just talking to myself. So, have you ever been to China?
Akane: Not by choice.
Ukyo: What's it like?
Akane: I wouldn't know. Except for a small part of Nekrolon, I
didn't really see much. I was a virtual prisoner for most of it.
Ukyo: I think I remember Ranchan telling me about this. Something
about eight interesting deities...
Akane: Seven Lucky Gods. They were a group of martial artists,
weird ones. They ate nothing but pickled vegetables and rice. We
were lucky to escape with our lives....If Ranma hadn't thought of
using water...
Ukyo: Mousse and Shampoo were along for that one, weren't they?
Akane: And Kuno and Happosai. (she makes a face) I don't know
which of those two I'd welcome least.
Ukyo: Well, I hope I'm better company for you and Ranchan than
those four.
Akane: (mutters) That's the problem.
Ukyo: Excuse me?
Akane: I said, you certainly are. I wonder what they're up to?
(Switch to Ranma and Ryoga's cabin. Ryoga is sprawled on the bed,
reading a manga. Ranma, a big stick in hand, is perched in a corner
looking nervous.)
Ranma: What was that?
Ryoga: (disgusted) Just the boat moving. For God's sake, Ranma,
calm down. I'd like a little peace.
Ranma: Yeah, right, sorry.....
(Ryoga goes back to his reading. A few seconds later, a
scampering noise comes from out in the hall.)
Ranma: AAAUUUUGHHHH!!! It's the cat!
Ryoga: (Angry) You stinking coward! You ruin my life, and then
interrupt my moment of solitude with your shrieking! I should put
you out of your misery right now!
Ranma: (also angry) Go ahead, P-Chan....Pigs I can deal with!
(Ryoga leaps out of his bunk, and comes into a fighting position.
Then he relaxes.)
Ryoga: Tomorrow we'll settle this man to man. I'll be right back.
Ranma: (scornfully) Don't get lost, now.
(Ryoga climbs out the hatch, and looks around the corridor.)
Ryoga: Now where was the bathroom?
(A moving patch of white down the corridor catches his eye. He
runs after it. As he approaches it, we see that it's a off-white
cat. The cat, while having a few scars and slightly matted fur,
seems to look rather cute.)
Ryoga: Felix?
Felix: Mrrooww?
Ryoga: (incredulous) You're the monster ship's cat Ranma is
scared to death of? You?
(Felix rolls over on her belly, and begins to purr. Ryoga bend down
to pet her.)
Ryoga: Aww, how cute. Kitty like that?
(Felix continues to purr.)
Ryoga: This just proves Ranma's cowardice. Imagine anyone being
scared of you.
Felix: Mrrrooww?
(Switch back to Akane and Ukyo's cabin.)
Akane: So, then you stir the batter at 2000 degrees?
Ukyo: No, 200. Akane, I don't think you..
(A series of screams ring out. Ukyo and Akane give each other
startled glances.)
Ukyo: That sounded a bit like Ranchan! Come on!
(They scramble up the hatch to the hall. Soun and Genma emerge
from their room, and Ranma pokes his head cautiously out the
hatch to his room.)
Genma: What's all this noise?
Ukyo: Ranma, was that you?
Ranma: It wasn't me! Where's Ryoga? He left just a few minutes
ago.
Akane: (calling) Ryoga! Where are you!
(As if in answer, Ryoga turns the corner and comes barreling down
the hall at full speed. He trips and falls.)
Ryoga: (panicked) Get it off me! Get it off me!
Akane: Get what off you?
(Ryoga slowly realizes that nothing is on him. He stands, and we
see that his clothing is shredded. He had some big, nasty looking
cuts and gashes.)
Akane: (shocked) My God, Ryoga, what happened?
Ryoga: (hysterical) The cat! The cat! I was just petting it, and I
must have rubbed it the wrong way, and then it was all over me,
biting and clawing and spitting.....
(Ranma's eyes roll up, and he faints.)
Ukyo: A _cat_ did that to you?
Ryoga: It's not natural! It's a demon from Hell! It's evil!
(Felix turns the corner.)
Ryoga: THERE IT IS!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!
(He dives through the hatch to his and Ranma's room, and bolts it
behind him.)
Felix: Mrrrroooowww?
Akane: Oh, what a cute little kitty!
Ukyo: Isn't it?
(They walk over, and begin to fawn over the cat. Felix just poses
for them.)
Genma: Ranma's fear must be contagious.
Soun: Ryoga must have tripped and hit his head. Look at the sweet
little thing. (chuckles) Demon from Hell! I've seen bunnies that
were more sinister.
(They return to their room.)
Akane: Ohh, does kitty want its tummy rubbed?
(Switch to Ranma and Ryoga's cabin Both of them are huddled
together in a corner.)
Ryoga: (clutching his umbrella) It's not natural! I tell you, Ranma,
Satan lives in that cat!
Ranma: (barely in control) Just keep a sharp eye out...
(A rat scuttles across the floor. The two jump, and then relax
when they see what it is.)
Ryoga: (fervently) If we live through tonight, I'm never going near
a cat again!
Ranma: Yeah, Ryoga. Join the ranks of us "stinking cowards."
Ryoga: Shut up, and get ready to run if you see a bit of white come
in.
(Scene changes to a view of the Pride through a periscope. Zoom
out to see Kodachi peering intently through it.)
Kodachi: There it is. Range to target, Mr. Sasuke?
Sasuke: 45 of these little marks on the viewing thingie, Captain.
Shampoo: Is that torpedo range?
Sasuke: I think so.
Kodachi: Plot a firing solution. Rig for silent running. All ahead
full. Prepare some ramen.
Sasuke: Solution, silent, ahead, and ramen. Aye, Captain.
Shampoo: How far we from China?
Sasuke: Only a mile or two.
Shampoo: Ko-chan, we not act quick, they land.
Kodachi: I know. We'll get closer, and fire a shot off their bow.
When they sink, we'll pick up Ranma and leave the others to
drown.
(A crewman enters the bridge, bearing two steaming bowls of
ramen.)
Shampoo: (surprised) That was fast.
Crewman: Mistress Kuno insists on speed. (he shudders) So we're
fast. Really fast. In fact, we had it prepared before she ordered it
cooked.
Shampoo: (puzzled) How you know, then?
Crewman: It's a gift.
Kodachi: Thank you, Walter. That will be all.
Crewman: Yes, Mistress Kuno.
(He sets the bowls on a bank of controls, and leaves.)
Kodachi: Mr. Sasuke, report!
Sasuke: It's pork broth, Captain, with a bit of meat for protein.
And of course the noodles are up to our usual stand.....
Shampoo: She mean target, idiot.
(Sasuke give Kodachi an appealing glance, but gets no sympathy.
Somewhat miffed, he continues.)
Sasuke: The target is now well within torpedo range, and keeping
it's bearing. It is flying Chinese colors, and has been disguised as
a fishing vessel.
Kodachi: Soon, soon. Ranma darling will be troubled by two less
fiancees after tonight. AHahaHahAHAhAhahAhAHAha!
(Shampoo joins the laughter.)
Shampoo: Sluts die at bottom of sea!
(She slams her hand on the console to punctuate her words. One of
the bowls of Ramen spills onto an instrument bank. Sparks fly,
and smoke begins to billow out of the panel.)
Kodachi: (sees the smoke) Wha?.....Fire! Fire!
Sasuke: Aye-aye, Captain. Firing both tubes.
(He presses a button, and the ship shudders as the torpedoes are
released.)
Kodachi and Shampoo: YOU IDIOT!!!!!!
(Shampoo grabs him by the collar, and slams him up against the
wall.)
Shampoo: You shoot at Ranma!
Sasuke: Gah....but she said.....
Kodachi: Idiot! I was referring to that! (points to the flaming
console)
Sasuke: (notices the burning console) AUGH! Fire!
Crewman: Aye, sir.
(He presses a button, and the ship shudders again.)
Shampoo: (in tears) Tell me those not aimed at ship!
Sasuke: Is that a direct order?
Kodachi: He'll be blown to pieces! What do we do?
Sasuke: We can use the torpedo destruct button, just like James
Earl Jones!
Kodachi: Great! Where is it?
Sasuke: (points to the flaming console) Right over...oh. Oh dear.
Sonarman: Captain! I've got something....
Kodachi: (wincing) Explosions?
Sonarman: No..I thought I heard singing.
(Scene changes to the deck of the Pride. Kuga is sitting by the
rail, watching the stars and singing in a loud voice.)
Kuga: (singing)....with a snail if you slow to a crawl, but the
Hedgehog can never be bugg....(something in the water catches his
eye) What the......TORPEDO!
(He runs belowdecks)
Kuga: (hammering at the floor) UP! UP! TORPEDO!
(The hatches open, and Ranma and Co. emerge, rubbing the sleep
from their eyes.)
Ukyo: *yawn* Whas happing?
Kuga: (tersely) Get to the lifeboats. Now. Hurry!
(He races off. The six stare at each other, and dash after him.)
Ranma: Where is it?
Ryoga: Over here!
(He beckons from the aft deck. Amazingly, he's found the boat.)
Genma: Everyone, quickly!
(They clamber into the boat, and lower it into the water.)
Akane: Why are we abandoning ship again?
(The torpedo strikes the Pride, and explodes with a thunderous
roar, soaking the small boat with water. Ryoga manages to whip
out his umbrella just in time.)
Akane: (small voice) Oh. I guess that answers that.
Ranma-chan: Who's attacking us? Didn't Kuga say something about
a torpedo?
Ukyo: Captain Kuga! Where is he?
(The second torpedo strikes the Pride, blowing most of it to bits.
It quickly sinks.)
Akane: That poor man. And Felix!
(Ranma and Ryoga brighten, and dance a little jig of grief.)
Soun: Um, what's that? (he points towards a wake of foam
approaching the lifeboat)
Genma-panda: (via sign) "TORPEDO!"
(They stare numbly as the torpedo approaches. Ryoga begins to
hurl his headbands at it, but they miss or bounce off. Ranma
throws herself over Akane, in a futile attempt to shield her from
the inevitable blast.)
Soun: (sobbing) Poor Kasumi and Nabiki....
Genma: (via sign) "Poor WHO?"
Ukyo: (pointing) Wait! What's that?
(A dark shape just below the waterline swims alongside the
torpedo, gradually nudging it out of the path of the lifeboat. A
collective sight of relief is heard as the torpedo passes them.)
Akane: (still covered by Ranma) Ahem.
Ranma: (getting off her) Um. Sorry. Believe me, it was just as
unpleasant for me as it was for you.
Akane: (furious) Why you.....
(She mallets him through the air and into the water.)
Ranma: (sputtering) Macho, violent.....
Ukyo: What was that? A dolphin?
(The shape breaks the surface of the water. The triangular fin
identifies it fairly easily.)
Ryoga: (bitterly) We should be so lucky.
(The shark makes a beeline for the floundering Ranma.)
Ukyo: Ranchan! Look out!
(Ranma, still slightly dazed, begins to turn.)
Akane: (aghast) What have I done? Ranma!
END OF EPISODE 6