Well, here it is. My attempt to add to the ranks of all those other fanficts out there. I have so enjoyed my own time reading what others have put up I figure it is only just that I share some of my own messed up day dreams with everyone. I hope that you will enjoy this crossover. Any and all comments are welcome. I can be reached via fzado@student.umass.edu I hope that you will keep flames to a minimum, but all comments are eagerly awaited. Legal stuff: None of these Characters are mine. Takahashi-sama is the one who created the whole Ranma cast: She, Viz, and Kitty have got the rights to them all tied up. I'm not sure who owns the Tick besides New England Comics, but again I have no claim to these characters either. The situation that I describe is all my fault, though. So that I can be blamed for, and even claim that all other rights associated with this fanfict are mine. For what it is worth. And of course, this is my first fanfict. Be kind. Or if that is too much to ask, be quiet! And now, on with the show. Ranma 1/2: Arthropod Antics or The Tick: Two Faces of a New Evil Prologue "TWA Flight 1008 to Tokyo now boarding at Gate 13. Final boarding call for all passengers of TWA flight 1008 to Tokyo." "Tick, that's us. We have to go NOW!" "But Arthur, I still haven't saved the poor townsfolk from the ravages of Death-Adder (TM). I'm a hero, and I have to save them." For the fifth time that day I tried to explain to Tick the difference between the reality, and video games. For someone who is functionally insane, Tick does well most of the time, but he has no appreciation for the distinction between fiction and reality. "Sigh. Tick, I assure you, this young man here, will be glad to finish the job of saving the villagers for you. Unless you have decided that the question you want to ask Paul is not important anymore, we have to leave to catch our plane now." "Well, if I have to..." Tick paused and turned to the young man I had pointed out to him. "Be good to the townsfolk, young man. I can tell that you will be a great hero in your own day." "Yeah, right. Whatever. Thanks for the game, dude." So it was that Tick and I managed to catch our flight to Tokyo. I was glad that I had taken the foresight to upgrade the tickets we recieved from my contractor, NTC, from economy to first class: It gave fewer people for Tick to harass during the 18 hour flight time from Frisco to Tokyo. In spite of that I had already taken the precaution of booking our return flight via Northwest. I figured that there was no way that TWA would ever want us to fly with them again. As to why we were going to Japan? Well, I could say that I had taken a consulting position with an up and coming Japanese conglomerate. I was to assess the best strategies for a planned hostile takeover, and provide an outside review of the conglomerate's books to help nullify concerns that the company was biting off more than it can handle. Of course that was just window dressing. Tick had a secret mission and I was just trying to help him out with it. Ever since we had taken up residence in Barry's place we had no further need of money, so I could stop taking the odd accountancy jobs that I had been supporting myself and Tick with. But during that time I had gotten a reputation that was helpful when Tick came to me with a new mission. I just wish he would tell me what this mission was. "So, Tick, once we get to Japan, what is this mission?" "Well, Arthur, we will fight a terrible evil." "I figured that, Tick. But what evil." "A terrible one. I thought I told you that already." "...So what will your first step be in your fight against this new terrible evil?" "I will have to ask Paul the samurai. And then, Faithful Companion Arthur, we will fight a terrible evil." "BUT WHAT TERRIBLE EVIL??" "Ano...could you please keep your voice down?" A stewardess asked me. "Hai. Sumimasen." "Arthur what does that mean?" Tick leaned over and asked me. He had only recently discovered the fact that the Japanese do not speak English. And that was one more worry I had about this trip. "Tick, all I said was 'Yes. Pardon me.' Nothing really important. You do remember the Japanese I taught you?" "Of course, Arthur. 'Hi' is 'yes'. 'Akita ego cutey tsai' is 'please speak English'. 'Sue me my man' is 'Excuse me.' 'Ohio Goys R Us' is 'good morning.' 'Golem Nascar. Korea, air missing taking new?' is 'I'm very sorry. That wasn't expensive, I hope?'" And he beamed at me. Proud of his accomplishment. I wish I could have gone to sleep. Or better still woken up and realized it was all a bad dream. Chapter 1: And I Thought the City Was Odd... Tick and I found our way out of the airport. He was still asking questions while I tried to get us cab. This was complicated while I tried to answer Tick's inevitable questions. "Arthur what does 'bake a Moonie' mean?" "It's not a nice thing to call someone, Tick. Why? Where did you hear it?" "Well, that nice lady back at the luggage counter said that to me, and I was wondering if she was hungry, or just had a problem with Moonies." "Tick why, what did you say to her?" "I just asked her where I might find Paul the Samurai." "You did what???? I thought you had agreed that I was to do all the talking. Sigh." I knew this was going to be happening all through the trip over here. Might as well get used to it. "But she was so friendly, Arthur. I was sure she would have liked to help us." "Tick if you can't speak the language, it will be difficult for anyone to help you. Please, let me do the talking. Anyhow, do you see a taxi stand? We have to get to the," I looked at the directions my employer had given me. "Tendo Dojo in the Nerika district of Tokyo." "Arthur?" "Yes, Tick?" "I thought all the Dojos were extinct." "Sigh, that's Dodo, Tick. Not Dojo." "Oh. So how are we going to get to the Tendo Dodo?" I was about to answer, when a belligerent young man in brownish clothes, carrying a bamboo umbrella, and a yellow bandanna interrupted. "[What business do you have with the Tendo dojo?]" {Author's note: I will be using the brackets [] to denote any conversation that takes place in Japanese. As much as it would simplify things, I can't find any way to justify the Tick being able to understand Japanese. Of course this gives me just a another way to further confuse the issue, so I shouldn't really complain.} "[Why should I tell you? I have business to conduct there, and will tell nothing further until you explain your own interest.]" "[I am the fiance of Tendo Akane, Hibiki Ryouga, and I feel it is my duty to protect her and her family from outsiders that might seek to disrupt their lives.]" "[Congratulations. I will then tell you that I have been hired to work for a company in Tokyo that has arranged to have us stay at the dojo while we are in the country. My companion here is a bit large for a standard hotel room.]" For the first time, Ryouga seemed to notice Tick. He paused for a moment, and looked up from Tick's waist, to his well muscled chest, and finally to the smiling face waaaay up there. "[Your friend is impressive. But why does he wear that blue suit. He looks somewhat ridiculous.]" Tick, noticing that he has become the center of attention, looked down at Ryouga, and tried to be friendly, "Coin itchy wow!" And stuck his hand out it what he thought was a friendly manner. I guess our young friend was not used to large men apparently babbling at him, and dodged the hand with a spectacular backwards leap. Upon landing, and getting a better perspective on the manner he realized that Tick had only tried to express friendship. "[Sumimasen.] Ex-excuse me. Can. You. Direct. Me. To. Furinkan high. School?" Tick thought a moment. "No. I. Can't. Why. Are. We. Talking. So. Slowly?" Before Hibiki-san could explode on my friend I interrupted. "Tick I think that is about all the English that he knows. [Hibiki-san, please excuse my friend he means no harm. But in many ways he is simple, like a child. Please do not mark his words.]" I looked at the two as Hibiki-san deflated some, and Tick kept grinning. I only hoped that these two would not come to blows soon. Fortunately it looked like Hibiki-san had a background in martial arts, so it was unlikely that Tick would accidentally break him. "[In the meantime, Hibiki-san, can you direct us to the Tendo dojo?]" I didn't understand for some time the reason why our friend looked ready to scream. * * * After the taxi deposited the three of us in front of the Tendo Dojo, I had Tick pick up the bags. The three of us walked up towards the front door, and I was about to knock on the door to announce our presence. But we were interrupted by a scream of horror from inside the compound. "[You can't be serious! You'll kill us all! Get away from there! Nabiki, you can't be seriously thinking about serving that...that...stuff to your guests! I don't care that Kasumi is out of town for the day, we have other options. Ukyou... Shampoo... hell, I could even cook for us...]" The voice was rising in volume and desperation even as we heard it. A second voice started low, and was growing lower as the first became more frantic. "[RRRRAAAANNNNNMMMMMAAAAA..]" "[...it wont be perfect, but I have never sent anyone to the...]" "[...NNNNNNOOOOOOO...]" "[...hospital for an emergency stomach pumping. And what's more dogs don't run howling from...]" "[...BBBBBBBAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKAAAAAA!!!!!!!!]" A loud smack, as if a large mallet had hit flesh, punctuated the second voice's cry. Then we all saw a figure in black pants and a red shirt go flying up from the compound off into the distance. As it receded from us, we could hear the first voice still yelling. "[...my cookinggggg.]" Hibiki-san touched my shoulder, "[Don't worry. He'll be fine. He always lands on his feet.]" More softly, "[More's the pity.]" At that I turned to look at him, and was shocked to see his pale and sweating. Even when he thought Tick was about to hit him I hadn't seen any sign of fear on his face. I shuddered to think what might have scared him so. "Arthur, we must save that poor young man, or else he will hurt himself when he comes back down." "Tick, I don't think that this is the best time...Besides, Ryouga thinks he will be fine." "But Arthur, we're heros, we HAVE to save him." When Tick gets an idea into his head, it is very hard to get it out, again. I sighed, and turned to Hibiki-san. "Alright, I'll save him. [Hibiki-san, please keep an eye on Tick while I am gone. I will only be a moment.]" With that I jumped up and tossed off my trenchcoat. The wings on my trusty Moth suit opened up, and I flew off after the falling figure. Straining as hard as I could I caught up to him quickly. Somehow it was easier to fly here than it was in the City. So when I reached the falling boy, for such I saw it was now, I was only panting a little. "[Relax, and I will catch you. Don't worry.]" "[Catch me? What the hell kind of pervert are you? I can land quite well on my own.]" "[Are you sure? If you let me catch you you wont have to worry about landing in that...]" Quick pause while I looked down. "[...sewage treatment plant down there. I have nothing against cold showers, but that probably wouldn't be very pleasant.]" "[What!!! That uncute, unfeminine, tomboy fiance of mine has been aiming me again!!!! I'll really get her for this.]" In a squeaking falsetto, "[Save me, O-Great-Flying-Hero-Sama!]" As he said the last he glommed onto me. I fought to pull us up out of the dive we were in. Of course it didn't help that the boy had resisted my help for so long. Also his grip was STRONG, and he had caught part of my lower left wing. The long and the short of it was that I wasn't going to be able to avoid hitting. So I looked for something a little less noxious to aim towards. I quickly spotted a nearby fish pond and with my last strength directed us there. Fortunately we had already slowed enough that the shallow water was more than enough to break our fall gently. Sitting up in the water I looked to my bundle, "[Are you al....]" Shock stilled my tongue. I had thought that the person I had rescued had black hair. The red hair I saw was confusing, but only the most superficial difference my charge displayed from what I had thought I had rescued. I knew that I had rescued a boy, but what I held now was a girl. She was glomming on so tight it was impossible to be mistaken about that diagnosis. "[Nice job, O-Great-Flying-Hero-Sama.]" Under the circumstances, the sarcasm did little to affect me. "[But... You... I... Boy... Girl... What's going on here??!!]" "[Precisely the question I wish to ask. I see you have attempted to kidnap my pig tailed goddess. I cannot let such a slight to the honor of the queen of my heart go unpunished. Therefore, miscreant, let it be known when you arrive in hell that the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High School, I, Kunuo Tatewaki, sent you to rejoin you evil masters.]" The blue robed youth making this pronouncement had removed the fishing line he had attached to his bokken, and raised it with every apparent intent of actually committing bloody murder. The gi- person before me stiffened when he heard this pronouncement. "[Kunuo, I am not your pig tailed goddess! I do not want to have anything to do with you. Why don't...AAAIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!]" As she had been yelling at the other guy she was leaning away from me to get more room for glaring. This was fine until a short, wizened old man suddenly latched onto her bust, nuzzling his head between her breasts. "[Why does my Ranma-chan let this young man hug and nuzzle close? It is not fair to your old teacher. To atone I will let you comfort me by wearing this new bra and panty set I got for Akane. But it should look even better on you than her.]" The old guy was really tenacious, holding on while taking a massive number of blows. Admittedly it wasn't the best position for the girl to be getting any proper leverage, but still I had some idea how strong she was. Not least because every third blow was landing on me by accident. To spare myself I pushed away from the girl and growth to a safe watching position. "[Now, die, demon-fiend!]" Looking up, I remembered a slight tactical consideration I had forgotten: The guy in blue with the bokken who wanted to punish me for touching his pigtailed goddess. This looked like it was going to hurt. I hoped that Tick was doing better than I was. * * * Tick and Ryouga waited a moment at the front door of the Tendo dojo, watching as Arthur flew up to catch a falling figure. Turning to Tick, Ryouga commented, "[I knew there was something odd about that friend of yours. I think it was the mask that tipped me off.]" Tick looked down at Ryouga. Thinking hard for a moment he visibly searched for something to say to this attack on Arthur's honor. After a moment, "Sushi my friend. A kite egg wow curdish high." Ryouga could make no sense of this. It surpassed the limited English that he had learned over the years. Thanks to his sense of direction he could communicate the bare necessities in almost any language on the globe: "Hello." "How much for this food?" "Excuse me, but where is the Furinkan High School?" What this blue clad gaijin was spouting fell into none of these nice familiar modes. Forgetting the desperate peril, he chose to seek help. "[Hello, Kasumi, Nabiki, Akane? Anyone home?]" The first to get to the door was Nabiki. Looking at the large man with Ryouga she had flash of recognition, and looked about for someone else. "[Oh, hi Ryouga. Where's the other gaijin?]" "[Don't worry. He'll be back after he catches Ranma. I tried to tell him it wasn't necessary, but like most gaijin he would not listen to reason.]" "[Catches Ranma? We are talking about the same overweight guy in a white mask?]" "[Well, yeah. He flew up after him. It looked like he would get to him well before landing, too.]" To herself Nabiki thought, so that's why he is called the _Ronin_ accountant. After looking abstracted at Ryouga and Tick a moment she remembered her manners. "Hello, Tick-san. I am Tendo Nabiki. Welcome to our house. If you would come inside we can wait here for your friend to return from his adventure." "Hello, Tendo Nabiki. I would be honored to enter your house. My Faithful Companion, Arthur will be along shortly. He had to go catch the person who was flying out of here a moment ago." "Ahh.. that was my sister's fiance, Ranma. He still hasn't learned tact. And so she gets upset with him on a regular basis. Don't worry. He'll be fine. At least your friend left with him, not Ryouga. He'll get back alright." Turning to Ryouga, Nabiki continued. "[By the way, how did you manage to show up here with them? You couldn't have lead them here. I assume you just bummed a taxi ride off them?]" Monitoring his blush, she smiled. "[Since I will be paying the expenses for that taxi you owe ME for the ride. Remember that, Ryouga. I'll be looking to collect from you soon.]" "[I should have known better than to expect charity from you.]" "[Careful. You don't want to get me mad at you while you still owe me, do you?]" Motioning the two inside, Nabiki called out to the rest of the household. "[Akane, your friend Ryouga is here. He must have heard that you are cooking and wanted to be sure to get his share of the food.]" Ryouga shuddered, and walked forward to meet his doom. From the kitchen a cloud of black oily smoke was clawing its way through the entrance way. Ryouga started coughing, and Nabiki pulled out a filter mask for herself. Silently she offered one to the Tick, who accepted. Turning to Ryouga, she explained. "[I wouldn't want you to get into trouble with my sister by having you seen wearing one of these. She might think you are commenting on her cooking and send you out after Ranma. You've heard that she has started to calculate her trajectories in advance now, right? I think she has the harbor, the sewage treatment plant, and the expended fuel storage pool for the nuclear plant all precisely targeted. I do hope you are hungry, my business associates and I will be eating out tonight. Akane already made food for us all. "[Aren't you glad you did not succeed in making me mad?]" Ryouga succeeded in looking even glummer than before. "Tendo Nabiki? Why is there so much smoke in your house? It smells awful. I haven't smelled the like since Sewer Urchin tried to cook supper for myself and Arthur. Is something on fire?" "Tick, I am afraid that my sister lives under a great curse: she can't cook. If we are lucky the food has all burned to a cinder and even SHE will not be able to justify serving it. Otherwise I will have to talk fast to get us out of here alive. I assure you the threat is real, but we should be safe." From the kitchen, a blackened female figure came out, bearing a smile and a serving platter with brownish black husks on a bed of rice. The only part of the figure not covered in soot are the teeth showing through in a large smile. "Konichiwa!" Turning to Nabiki, Akane slowed a moment. "[Sis, I thought that you said there would be two of them?]" "[Well, you have only yourself to thank for that. This is Tick-san. The other flew off after your fiance to ensure nothing happened to him. They should be back soon.]" "[I see. A waste of effort I'm sure. I will apologize to him when he gets here. Hello Ryouga. I hope you are hungry. I had made some more of this for Ranma, but if he is going to insult it I guess you can have his share.]" Ryouga looked more forlorn at this announcement. "[Besides I made this gaijin dish for sis's guests. It is a great recipe: Cajun-style Blackened Catfish. What a wonderful idea, a recipe that is supposed to look burnt. I wish I had thought of it sooner.]" Ryouga blanched even further. "[Here, why don't you try some before it gets cold. You, too, Tick-san.]" With a flourish Akane offered some of her latest culinary creation to each of the men in the hallway. Slowly Ryouga took his, but Tick just daintily took the fish offered to him and started chewing. "Nabiki, tell you sister that I like this fish jerky she made very much. Nice and umph chewy, just the way it should be." After passing his judgement Tick settled down for a leisurely chewing session, a smile on his face. With a last look at the blue clad monster beside him, Ryouga carefully placed the slice of meat into his mouth and tried to bite down on it. Crack! Opening his mouth again he carefully spat out the still intact fish stick, and part of one tooth. Fortunately for him Akane and Nabiki were too mesmerized by the sight of Tick happily chewing on the "fish jerky" to notice anything he did. Walking quickly to the window Ryouga flipped the offensive piece of former fish out of the district in a random direction. Then the spices kicked in. "Tick, are you sure you are alright? It is perfectly acceptable to say that you don't like it. You don't have to do this." Nabiki was starting to sound panicky. She thought of the retribution that a _Ronin_ Accountant could do to her operations, and tried more frantically to assure herself of the Tick's good health. Akane carefully sidestepped out of Ryouga's way while he ran off to the pond in the backyard, trailing flames from his mouth and nostrils, tears arcing from his eyes. Looking up at Tick with something like hero worship, she asked "[Nabiki tell him that there is more here if he wants it.]" Still smiling Tick continued to chew on the fish. After a moment, he turned to Nabiki, and mumbled around a mouthful of fish. "Dish ish great! Can you ashk your shishder for the wreshipe?" Bemusedly, Nabiki turned to Akane. "[He likes it, Sis. I don't understand why, or how, but he does. Congrats.]" A loud hissing came from the back yard, where P-chan could be seen trying to drink the carp pool, with steam rising out of his mouth and nostrils as he swam frantically in circles. "[Of course it would look better if Ryouga could have finished his piece, too.]" "[Hmmph. Well one out of two ain't bad. Tell Tick that the recipe is easy, take 30 habanero peppers, 1 kilo of catfish, and about 200 grams of ginger, and just a touch of pitchblende...]" Nabiki blanched. "Tick-san, I am sorry, but my sister says it is an ancient family secret recipe that may only be passed on to one member of the family in each generation. She regrets that she cannot share it with you, but offers instead that you have all the fish she made." "No broblem, shank her again vor me, pleash, but dish one piesh ish shtill nish and shewy." A pause for thought. "And flavorful, doo." As Nabiki continued to explain why she couldn't give Tick the recipe that her sister was still blathering on about, she remembered the words of Sinclair Lewis saying that there are two things man should not watch being made: sausage and law. In the background an exhausted P-chan swam to shore, still steaming. * * * "[Die!!!]" Looking up I saw the blue clad figure of Kunuo Tatewaki falling towards me, all his momentum concentrated in the end of the bokken. I rolled to the left and watched as Kunuo landed in the fish pond himself. Silly me, I had always assumed that a bokken would only act as a funny sort of club. I was shocked to see this 'Blue Thunder' person actually cut through the cobble stones lining the pool. This gave me enough of a shot of adrenalin that I managed to jump up to a height where I could get my wings into action. While Kunuo recovered from his first blow I rose to a height of fifteen feet to try to reason with him while staying out of range of that deceptive bokken. "[Foul, cowardly demon! You fear to match strength with the fabled Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, and now seek to torment me with your fiendish visage over my head, like an impotent sword of Damocles, to taunt me with my weakness...]" This guy was amazing. I had never seen anyone in any language mix his metaphors so badly. I mean it was like he had read all the great classic literature ever written, understood nothing and was now stuck on the verbal reverse peristalsis. Idly I wondered how long he could keep going with out pausing for breath. "[...until like the spider that took Apollo's chariot and drove the sun too close to the Earth, forcing Odin to throw Mjolinor at him, you will come close enough for me to strike you from my skies. Whereupon you shall never shadow anyone else again!]" Here it was, the first pause for breath. Wow. That had to have been some kind of record. "[Know then, foul Bane of my existance, if you continue to lord your position over me, I shall be forced to deal with you in such a cruel manner that the infamous "Furinkan Five" will count their fates mild and compassionate in comparison.]" Here he paused again, as if in thought. He seemed to look at me again, and found some thing note worthy there. "[You still haven't interrupted me. Why not? I never get to get this much of my good stuff out before that foul sorceror, Saotome, interrupts.]" "[I stand in awe of your rhetoric. It has quite captured my imagination.]" Actually, I figured it was safer to sound flattering than to admit that I was more interested in timing how long he could speak without actually pausing for a breath. "[I am struck with awe at your command of the language and would do nothing to interrupt your mastery of the art of oration.]" Again, the Blue Thunder seemed confused by something. "[I must have misconstrued your motives. For surely no one who can appreciate the skill of my oration can be allied with that sorcerer Saotome. For that slight upon your no doubt noble character I crave your indulgence. Truly you are the first person, even among my own family, who has recognized the true wonder of my oratory. Even one such as I...]" And he was off again. He was lowering his bokken as he spoke. Taking a risk I decided to land and deal with him on a more even level. And still he spoke without interruption for thought or breath. A most wondrous ability indeed. "[...to that end, I Kunou Tatewaki would ask to have your name made known to me, gaijin.] After a moment I realized that a response was in required. "[I am the Moth, sidekick to the Tick, and my name is Arthur. I regret that I cannot give you a more specific name than that, but I have a secret identity to protect. I hope, Kunou-san that this will not offend you.]" "[Fear not, friend Ataru: I would forgive much in one of such manifest good taste and breeding. And since you have demonstrated such exemplary breeding it is your honor to be now presented with my undying admiration and friendship. Know then, that if you should ever find yourself in need of the services of the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High School have but to ask and it will be yours. However now I crave your further indulgences to pay court to the pig-tailed goddess, who with the lovely Tendo Akane, is the empress of my heart.]" "Bien Siur. [I would not interfere with your interests on any account. But...how can you have two Empresses of your heart? And isn't Tendo Akane affianced already?]" As soon as I said it I realized that I might have made a mistake: Kunou-san seemed to have a rather fragile attachment to what I might call the real world. "[I do not regard her engagement as valid, for the monster is such a evil man. Two timing on Tendo Akane, and holding my pig-tailed Goddess under his magical sway. It pains me more than I can say to know that my two lovelies are both in the power of my foul enemy, Saotome. But a true Samurai knows how to bide his time until fate and circumstance places him in the light of victory, where he is destined to bath in his birthright.]" Before I could comment further on that speech, (especially his contradictory comment on two-timing) a dopplerred yell from the growth announced that the Pig Tailed Goddess had gained her freedom. Her attention freed from distractions she came over and started talking to Kunou. "[Kunou, I AM NOT _YOUR_ PIG-TAILED GODDESS!!!!!!]" And with that she punted Kunou off into a different direction from where the growth was going. Turning to me she dropped her volume, "[And where does he get off complaining about two-timers? He is the most two faced millionaire's heir in all of Tokyo. And I know that Akane has never given him any attention either! Why he can't get it through his head that he is not going to get a better reception from either of is beyond my ability to understand. Besides, Akane already has a fiancee.]" "[Yes I've met him. He seems like a very nice young man.]" With this simple statement the girl in front of me smirked. "[Oh, I agree. He is better than she deserves, really.]" "[I don't know about that. I imagine they make a cute couple, though.]" If anything the smirk became more catty. "[Yes, though it is a shame that her fiancee makes her look so... plain. Wouldn't you say that I make a better figure of a woman than she?]" "[I don't know. You are an attractive young woman, but I haven't yet had a chance to see Tendo-san. I take it you are jealous? Did you have some plans for Hibiki-san yourself?]" The smirk died. "[WHAT!!! What kind of pervert do you think I am!?]" "Sumimasen. [It is just that you were sounding like you wanted to score points off Tendo Akane, and I thought that you might be jealous of her fiancee.]" "[I _AM_ her fiancee! And what is this business with Ryouga?]" "[Did you get hit on your head? Are you sure that old pervert didn't mess up you mind somehow?]" "[I am FINE. YOU are the one who is spouting nonsense!!]" "[What are you talking about, nonsense? You can't be engaged to Tendo Akane: First, you are a woman yourself; Second, is not Tendo Akane affianced to Hibiki Ryouga?]" I had thought I had seen this strange girl mad earlier. I was wrong. Steam started rising from her clothing as aural flames started to run up and down her body. Her face transformed into a mask that embodied rage and agony. It looked like it was time to start flying again. Before I could leap up to safety, or the red head could kill someone, a small piece of blackened meat came falling out of the sky. It hit the red head on the back of her head and bounced off into the carp pool. Her eyes rolled up into her head, the aural flames were guttered out, and she fell forward. Catching her, I decided that I ought to head back to the Dojo before anything else could happen. I looked around, but still couldn't see anything that might tell me what had happened to the boy that I had thought I was catching. A flurry of splashing in the pool caught my attention. Looking over I saw a number of carp floating belly up in the pool, and an orange goldfish in a orange environment suit. It was holding the piece of meat before him with a set of two foot long tongs. Carefully it walked over to a trashcan and deposited it there, along with the tongs. Walking back to the pond, it noticed me watching. "This is not a toxic waste dump!!! Learn some manners!!" If things got any wierder I didn't know how I would cope. With a sigh I hefted the red head, and headed back to the dojo. * * * Nabiki was still bemused. Tick-san had been eating, well chewing really, her sister's cooking for 35 minutes now and had yet to show any ill effects. When she had asked if he were immune to poison, he had responded in the negative, but then told her that he was "Well nigh inwulnerawul." Since he was still chewing on the 'fish jerky,' she couldn't get him to repeat that so she could understand it. If Nabiki was bemused, Akane was enraptured. Here was a man, a very handsome man, who liked her cooking. She was fawning over him as best as she could without actually being to comminicate with him. Nabiki wondered what might have happened if Tick were only a little younger. It was facinating to watch. Akane had even managed to forget that Ryouga had last been seen running towards the pond. Of course it is conceivable that Ryouga had gotten lost, again. In the meantime the smoke had cleared from the kitchen area, and a somewhat deflated looking P-chan had staggered in. Akane had only peripherally been aware of the pig's entrance, and had not even remarked on its condition. Suddenly, Nabiki's stomach rumbled. Reminded of her own deadly peril, she came up with a plan, and decided to act on it. Quickly. "Tick-san. Have you had a chance to clean up from your long flight? If you like we have a bath on the premises, and would give you a chance to relax a bit before we go out to a more edi... formal dinner. I myself have to get changed before we go out. When Arthur returns we will make the same hospitality available to him." Recognizing an order when he heard it, Tick simply agreed, and asked for directions to the bath. Nabiki told him where it was and where the towels were. "[Nabiki, could you ask Tick-sama to take this and clean it up while he is in the bath?]" Akane held out a slightly muddy P-chan. "[Sis is going to be upset enough when she sees her kitchen, I don't think we need to have muddy pig prints everywhere.]" "[Good idea, Akane.] Tick-san, could you please also clean up my sister's pet pig? We would be most grateful." Chew, chew. "Shure, Nabiki. I wiw be broud do crean it up." Tick took the still dazed P-chan in his hand. Who does that expression remind me of? Nabiki wondered. No matter. "[Well I suggest, Sis, that you start cleaning up the kitchen from your most recent experiment.]" Akane looked startled, and turned to look back at the kitchen. Seeing the mess she blanched under the soot. "Hai." Before heading off to her room Nabiki turned to get int he last comment, "[You might even get it cleaned before Kasumi gets back this evening. Late this evening.]" As Nabiki headed up the stairs a knocking came at the front door. "[I'll get it!]" Running down to the front door she opened it, and admitted a damp Arthur and Ranma-chan. Ranma was still being carried by Arthur, and unconscious. "[Sorry, Nabiki, we got attacked by this old short pervert, and a young man, called Kunou. By the time that all had been straightened out this girl was out cold, and the fish pond was very angry with all of us. I couldn't just leave her there. But I lost the boy.]" Nabiki grinned. "[Not quite, Arthur-san. Come in, and I'll show you what happened. You should be warned: You have left the rational world behind when you came to Nerima, and magic walks the Earth.]" With a further confused look of his face Arthur followed her into the house. * * * Tick liked hot baths. Being warm was comfortable, and he could allow himself to think on his past victories against Evil. Additionally water was fun to play with. This was the first time he had a living bath toy, though. It was something new to enjoy. Arthur had taken the time to carefully instruct Tick on the proper etiquette of Japanese baths, so Tick first went to the shower, where he rinsed himself clean and scrubbed the pig vigorously. Since he was more thorough than gentle he was not surprised when the pig began squealing loudly. Once he was satisfied that the pig was clean, he tossed P-chan into the hot bath and headed that way himself. Because he was looking at the pig when it hit he got the opportunity to see a most amazing thing. After a moment in the water the pig's shape began to bulge and twist. A light froth of bubbles rose from it's body, and obscured Tick's view. Once they cleared Tick saw his new friend, Ryouga in the tub. "Wow! A Transformer bathtoy!" Tick leapt into the tub with Ryouga, and smiled at the now terrified boy. "[WHAT ARE YOU SHOUTING ABOUT?????]" "This is a great bath toy that Akane gave me. It walks and talks and it looks just like Ryouga. Whee!." Tick grabbed for Ryouga and pulled him closer so he could start playing submarine with his new toy. "Awoogah!!! Dive. Dive. Dive." "[AHHH!!!!! Blubbubububuubububu(Splash!) AHHHHH!!! AKANE!!!! HE- Blubbbbubbubuubububububu....]" * * * Carrying the still unconscious girl I followed Nabiki into the kitchen. It appeared that some sort of incendiary device had been set off in this room recently: all the walls and surfaces were covered with soot. A short haired girl was working to clean up the mess, but seemed to be spending more time actually pushing the soot around rather than removing it. "Just place her on the table, Arthur-san. I'll show you what happened to the boy you went after." Something about Nabiki's voice hinted at a joke that she was enjoying far too much. "[Hi, Sis. how's the clean up coming? Your fiance is back.]" The short haired girl turned from her cleaning. "[Hi Nabiki, want some hot water? Oh, hello. You must be Arthur-sama. I am Tendo Akane. Pleased to meet you.]" "[Greetings, Tendo Akane. The reports of your beauty have been most understated. I am pleased to make your acquaintance.]" She blushed most becomingly. "H-Hai. [Are you hungry?]" "[Sorry, Sis. I still have to take my guests out later. I'll just heat up this water, and let you get on with you clean up.]" If I hadn't known better I would have guessed that Nabiki was just a tad peeved by something. In an effort to change the topic I made a slight tactical error. "[Say, where is Ryouga?]" Both girls looked to me immediately. "[Why do you ask that?]" I turned to Nabiki, who had a pot of water heating up one of the burners on the stove. "[But you told Akane that her fiancee was here. And I don't see Ryouga any where.]" If anything the puzzlement grew on both faces. "[But I'm engaged to Ranma, not Ryouga. And he right there.]" "[What are you talking about? That is a girl on the table! SHE can't be your fiancee.]" "[Arthur-san, it seems you are operating on some incorrect data. Observe.]" Nabiki took the pot of steaming water and poured it over the head of the girl on the table before I could stop her. Instead of waking her with third degree burns over her head, something more interesting happened: her hair turned color to black and she grew until she was the boy that I had caught in the air earlier. "[What the Hell?]" "[Could you accept the idea that he is cursed?]" "[Sis, he's a pervert.]" "[Akane, that kind of talking is part of what keeps him going to Ukyou and Shampoo for food and companionship. Do you like getting reports of what your fiancee is doing with out you?]" "[Oh, and you know so much about finding and keeping a boyfriend yourself. How much does Kunuo-chan owe you this month?]" "[Excuse me.]" "[At least I don't have a fiancee who has two other fiancees.]" "[Excuse me.]" "[I wonder how is it you know just the right temperature to change Ranma back without waking him?]" "[Will you two shut up!!!]" Suddenly I had two very angry Tendo girls staring at me. But at least they had stopped bickering. "[What kind of curse?]" Visibly, Nabiki calmed herself down, to answer my question. "[He fell into a cursed spring at this place in China, called Jhusenkyou. When Ranma, here, gets doused with cold water he turns into the red head you met earlier. Hot water turns him back to his true form." "[I see. If I hadn't seen the change myself I would accuse you of taking a poor gaijin for a ride. As it is...sigh]" "[You think that is bad? Consider what one might feel like with that kind of hentai for a fiancee?]" Akane did seem to have a one track mind. "[Hentai? Are you sure of that? I mean I only talked to her er.. him for a few minutes and I'll grant arrogance, but I don't think Hentai is quite the right term for him.]" "[Listen to the man, Sis. He is talking sense. Maybe if you could slow down your anger at him you two would finally admit your feelings for each other!]" Nabiki actually seemed to be getting really upset with her sister for some reason. "[If the two of you would just stop going at each other's throats I might be able to save enough money to renovate this building instead of simply keep staying one step ahead of entropy! And I wouldn't have to force...]" Nabiki closed her mouth with a sour lemon expression, as if she had said too much. Fortunately Akane was too involved with her own feelings to notice. I satisfied myself with making a promise to ask her again later. Hopefully when we were out to dinner. "[This hentai loon is the source of all my problems, and I don't know why I bother ever talking to him! Let alone trying to cook for him.]" Her eyes started to pool with unshed tears, and she quickly looked down at the offending Ranma. After a moment of silence she visibly took control of herself again. And hit him soundly on the chest. "Baka. Baka no baka!" Then softly, "Akane no baka." Apparently this Ranma was used to recovering more quickly while under attack. After a brief coughing fit he shot up. "[Akane! You can't marry him! I love you!]" All three of us turned as one to stare at him. Akane's face, what I could see of it was flushed, and her body was rigid. In shock? Or hope? I couldn't tell. Nabiki was growing a smug smile as she watched the other two. I took a step back to get out of the line of fire. Whatever happened. Ranma opened his eyes, and looked around. He saw Akane standing by his side, and Nabiki and I a bit further back. Still emotionally charged, he dismissed Nabiki and I from his attention. He reached out, and gently pulled Akane's chin up to force her to look at his face. The expression on his face was the same mix of rage and fear and grief that I had seen at the pool earlier. "[Why did you agree to do it?]" Akane blinked, and look more closely at Ranma. "[....do what?]" "[Agree to marry that...that...that pi... person, Ryouga?]" "[What are you talking about?]" Without loosing her gaze he pointed at me. "[That gaijin says that you and Hibiki Ryouga are engaged. Why? What did he do?]" "[What!? That is the most ridiculous... I like Ryouga, but not that mu... I mean, I am bound by my idiot father's promise to marry you. I'm not ab.. allowed to change that on a whim like that.]" She regained enough confidence to jerk her chin out of the grip that Ranma had it in. "[Why on Earth would belive such a story from a complete stranger, anyways? Baka!]" Nabiki winced. "[Sis...remember what I said about diplomacy?]" Ranma just looked at Akane in silence. As the time and silence grew Akane started to get visibly nervous. Ranma's expression smoothed out from it's manic state of a few minutes ago, and looked to me. "[Gaijin. I don't know where you got that story, or why you told it to me. Frankly I don't give a damn. The first time we met you were trying to help me, and so you saved me from filth. For that I thank you. "[With your statements after that, I came to admit something to myself. For that self knowledge I can never repay you. "[Akane...]" "[Don't. Just don't. I don't want to get into an argument with you. I don't want to hear your latest version of uncute. I especially don't want to get into an argument with you. Not now. Maybe later. Okay, Ranma. Just let me alone for a few minutes. I have to get this mess cleaned up, anyways.]" "[Akane but...]" "[Ranma, you idiot, just shut up and leave me alone.]" "[Akane if you..]" "[Ranma, if you don't shup up now I am going to-]" "[Akane! Shut up! I am going to say something and you are, by all that is holy, going to listen. If I have to tie you up and gag you, you will hear me out. Is that understood?]" Nabiki started to applaud. "[Go Ranma! That's telling her!]" "[Nabiki, if you don't shut up right now I will personally tell Kunou that you have been helping me keep the pig-tailed goddess in my thrall. Do you understand?]" Stunned, Nabiki calmed down and peeped, "hai." Fortunately Akane still seemed to be stunned by Ranma's previous outburst. Ranma faced her and looked into her face. "[When I heard that you and Ryouga were engaged I was furious. How could you betray me like that? I wanted to pound you into the ground. You and Ryouga both. But... "[I realized something. I was upset more at myself. For I was certain that if I had spoken to you sooner you would not have done that. Because of that I could admit what I really feel to myself and I am going to tell you. What you do with that is entirely up to you. But I am not going to play the fool to myself any longer.]" Akane was looking a Ranma again. Her expression blank. She seemed to be completely uninvolved with whatever was going on. It was as if something vital was hiding in her, to keep safe. Ranma seemed to notice, and swallowed. "[Akane, I... I... I bless the gods for that idiot promise our fathers made. I want to affirm my pledge that I want to marry, not only for family duty but for my own sake. Please don't leave me. Akane, I... I... I lo... love you.]" Still intent on Akane's face Ranma's arms lifted and hovered towards her shoulders. Then stopped. Nabiki whistled. "That seems to be a major step forward. Now if they can be left alone for just few minutes." Out of the side of my mouth. "What do you mean?" "Wait." Akane lifted her face from contemplation of the floor and stared at Ranma, her expression still unreadable. Slowly tears started to leak from first her left eye, then her right. She sniffed once. Her arms still at her side. The flow of tears ceased. Her eyes flashed, and her face tightened, lips compressed. She took one step forward, within Ranma's outstretched arms. She brought her arms up before her, fists balled tight. "[Ranma. You have just figured this out now?]" "[Hai.]" "[Ranma, you... YOU IDIOT!! YOU BASTARD!!! YOU PERFECT FLAMING ASSHOLE!!!!! Why?]" She started to pound her fists on his chest. "[Why should I listen to you?]" Ranma's arms were still held out at the level of Akane's shoulders. "[Why should I fall into your arms just because you tell me finally that you love me?]" She continued to hit his chest. "[Why should I care what you think? You have insulted me before my friends and family. You have ridiculed my cooking every chance you got. Why should I believe you now?]" Akane was really crying now. She stopped beating on Ramna's chest and clenched his shirt in her fists, her head buried in the fabric, muffling her voice. "[Why should I let myself love you?]" "[Akane. Please, let me..]" A flashbulb went off. Ranma reached down and pulled Akane's tear streaked face to a level with his own. "[Akane. I love you. Please let me.]" And he pulled her into a kiss. After a moment his other arm dropped from its out stretched position to wrap around her body as her two arms worked around his torso, pulling them closer together. Nabiki was going around the whole kitchen, flashing shots of the whole thing. "Yes. Finally. Just a few more minutes and nothing can go wrong." I was so enthralled I heard nothing as I was approached from behind. A large hand fell on my shoulder and pulled me around. "Arthur?" I saw Tick standing there with a very worried expression on his face. He was holding an exhausted Ryouga in one hand. Both were dripping wet and all either had on were towels wrapped around their waists. "What happened, Tick?" "I think I broke Akane's bath toy?" "WHAT?" "I can't get it to turn back into a pig. No matter how I fold it. I've tried. Honest. I didn't mean to. Really, Arthur." "Hold on a minute." Thanks to my outburst the happy couple were now aware of the world beyond them. And staring at me. Nabiki was looking at me with a faintly alarmed look on her face. Ranma and Akane just looked confused at the sight of such a large man carrying Ryouga like a toy. "[Akane, my friend, Tick-san, seems to have broken your bath toy? I'm terribly sorry. We'll try to replace it as soon as we can.]" Akane grew even more confused. "[What bath toy? I haven't any such thing.]" "[Hold on a sec.] Tick, describe this toy to me. Please." "Sure, Arthur. I have it here with me. It was a tranformer that started out as a pig and turned to this. Isn't it great?" I couldn't see what Tick was trying to point out with Ryouga in the way. I guessed however that I should be able to wing it with what he had given me. If I tried to understand everything that Tick told me I would never get anything done. "[Akane, he says it was your transformable pig bath toy. He seems to have the remains with him, but I can't tell where. He has tried to fold it back into the pig, but nothing works. Maybe there is a trick to it?]" Ranma, for some reason, went absolutely pale at this statement. End of Chapter One