Well, here it is. My attempt to add to the ranks of all those other fanficts out there. I have so enjoyed my own time reading what others have put up I figure it is only just that I share some of my own messed up day dreams with everyone. I hope that you will enjoy this crossover. Any and all comments are welcome. I can be reached at mtaub@student1.umass.edu I hope that you will keep flames to a minimum, but all comments are eagerly awaited. Legal stuff: None of these Characters are mine. Takahashi-sama is the one who created the whole Ranma cast: She, Viz, and Kitty have got the rights to them all tied up. I'm not sure who owns the Tick besides New England Comics, but again I have no claim to these characters either. The situation that I describe is all my fault, though. So that I can be blamed for, and even claim that all other rights associated with this fanfict are mine. For what it is worth. And of course, this is my first fanfict. Be kind. Or if that is too much to ask, be quiet! In our previous episode, the Tick and Arthur are coming to Japan for two reasons. Arthur has a job to do an accountancy review of a conglomerate before it tackles a nasty hostile takeover. Tick needs to ask Paul the Samurai something. They will be staying with the Tendos. On the way to the dojo they meet with Ryouga and arrive just in time to hear Ranma protest Akane's latest culinary attack. Arthur meets the pig tailed girl and Kunou, and ends up with Kunou swearing undying friendship to him. Tick likes Akane's cooking, though it disagrees with Ryouga. (Five words: Cajun Blackened Catfish, Akane Style) Arthur lets slip that Ryouga claimed to be Akane's Fiancee and Ranma goes ballistic. P-chan is handed to Tick when he goes to clean up. Tick is enchanted with the tranformable bath toy that Akane gave him, but it wont fold back into a pig. No matter how hard he tries. Arthur gets introduced to the curse. And Ranma actually professes feelings for Akane. Then Tick comes in with the unconscious Ryouga, upset that he broke Akane's bath toy. And now, on with the show. Ranma 1/2: Arthropod Antics or The Tick: Two Faces of a New Evil Chapter 2: Ryouga's Bad Night "[Pig toy? All I have is P-chan, my pet pig... Say, where is he?]" "Tick, what happened to P-chan?" Tick looked at me with a expression of patience, and waves Ryouga at me. "That's what I've been telling you. He's right here, but I can't get the pig back." Nabiki let out a squeak. I turned to her. "Do you understand what the blazes he is talking about?" "Hai." Nabiki pales further. Ranma looks from Tick and Ryouga to Nabiki with an expression of dawning horror. He starts to try to weasel out the embrace he had been sharing with Akane. His struggles draw her attention to him. "[Ranma, are you alright? You look like you've just seen a ghost. Do you know what's going on here?]" "[Who? Me? I... Well... You see... ]" Ranma paused for thought. I could read the expressions on his face as he weighed his options. Then he panicked some more. "[I DON"T WANT TO DIE!!]" "[Ranma you are making less sense than usual. What is going on? Where is P-chan, and WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?]" Suspicion grew in Akane's face, as she ignored the rest of us. "Nabiki, I get the impression I need a score card here to follow even half of what's going on. Help." "[Akane. Uh... Why don't we, uh, worry about helping what ever happened to Ryouga then I'll go try to find P-chan for you. Okay?]" "Un. I have some right here. The full top secret version is a steal at only 15000 yen. The confidential version is yours for just 10000 yen. Or, if you are really cheap, there is the public knowledge compilation, but that is quite lacking in the full story that you might want to know. I am ashamed to be selling for any price, but since you asked, you can have it for only 1000 yen." "What!!!?" "[Ranma, is there something you want to tell me?]" I had heard more friendly tones from chainsaw wielding vigilantes. "[Whatever do you mean, Akane?]" Well, that answered that question: Ranma has no more acting ability than Tick. But looking at the expression on Akane's face it appeared that the kitchen was about to become ground zero. "[Akane, why don't we deal with Ryouga here, first. And the bathtoy, of course. Then you can kill Ranma if you still feel the need. Sound good?]" Akane galred at me for a minute. Then turned to look again at Ryouga, and realised that he looked somwhat worn out. "[Yes. Nabiki, why don't you go call for Dr. Tofu. Ryouga looks like he might need to get looked over by a professional. In the meantime, can you get Tick-san to give you the remains of this putative toy.]" Nabiki looked very relieved, and left the kitchen. "[Sure, Sis. I'll get Dr. Tofu over here soon. It does look like his services will be needed tonight. I think I'll also put out for bids for a new kitchen while I'm at it. Don't wait for me to come back.] Arthur. Tick. I hope you survive. Sorry I can't get you out of this mess. If you are still alive in half an hour I'll be glad to take you both to dinner. Good luck!" With one last wave to Tick and I she disappeared into the house. Ignoring the parts of Nabiki's speach I didn't understand, I tried to regain some control of the situation. "Tick. Why don't you give me the remains of the toy. How did you manage to get to fold apart, anyways?" Tick handed me the body of Ryouga. "I just put the pig into the hot water and then I had this Ryouga toy. I didn't see it change, so I can't be blamed for not figuring out how to put back." A terrible suspicion grew in my mind. It was crazy. It was impossible. It also accounted for everyone's behavior. A terrible facination came over me. I wanted to test this theory. Even knowing what might explode... Besides there were no innocents here to get hurt in the crossfire. Nabiki was gone, and Tick was Well-Nigh Invulnerable. As for myself, well, when you press buttons that are marked in big red letters "DO NOT TOUCH," you have no kick coming when you get caught at ground zero. Ranma noticed some expression on my face. Frantic he mouthed "[No. No. No. ]" I ignored his message. "[Ranma, Akane. You said that Ranma did that sex-change thing after falling into _A_ spring at this Jhusenkyou. Right?]" I paused to collect two nods: one confused; one resigned. "[That means that there are more than _ONE_ flavor of spring. Right?]" Two more nods. This was just like a geometry proof. But this one was almost fun. I was getting the hang of the lunacy here in Nerima. "[Is there anyone else here in Nerima with a curse from another spring?]" Socrates would have been pleased with the syllogism I was building. Especially when he realised what I was willing to risk in the search for truth. This time I got another nod from Akane. Ranma started to babble about haircare products, cats and ducks. Akane shut him up with a distracted swat to the back of his head. I shooed them both off the kitchen table and tried to heft Ryouga's body onto it. Tick saw what I was trying to do and helped me. Surprisingly, everyone kept quiet until I was ready to go on. Turning back to my audience, I began to feel like Hercule Poirot, solving a difficult conumdrum. What a powerful feeling. "Tick, I think I will show you what happened to your 'pig bath toy.' I also think you will owe Ryouga an apology. When he comes to, that is." "But Arthur. That's a pig. I saw it." "Tick, watch this. I think our friend Ryouga suffers under a curse. And water is the key to it. Watch and wait. [Ranma, Akane. I think that this poor boy is sufferring under a different form of the Jhusenkyou curse.]" Filling a cup from the tap I turned back to the body of Ryouga, and threw the water on his form. Behind me I heard Ranma draw in a breath in panic. Akane and Tick both sounded with gasps of shock. Without turning around I spoke again. "Tick, is this the toy you took into the bath?" "Yup. Thanks Arthur. I feel better now. I'll go dress now. Nabiki did say something about dinner, and as good as the fish jerky was, I'm still hungry." I listened until I was sure that Tick was out of the room. I grabbed the tea pot that still held warm water, and poured over the pig that had appeared swathed in the towl on the table. I turned the hapless pig back into the hapless boy, and faced the music. "[Akane. Ranma. I deduce that the bath toy my friend thought he had broken was in fact P-chan, who reverted to his natural form once in the bath. Thus nothing was broken by friend. Except perhaps Ryouga. But his color is good. All things considered. And the mystery of the bath toy is solved. I hope that is not a surprise to anyone.]" Ranma had ceased panicking. He was all the way to petrified. His mouth kept trying to come up with some line of reason, or should I say unreason, that would present him in the best possible light. Akane was also shocked to an absolute stillness. Her eyes were looking at Ryouga, her hands tight on Ranma. The only hint of what she might be feeling was in the white knuckled grip she had on Ranma's shoulders. The tableau lasted for a full five minute count. Then Akane's face started to show expression again. It went from anger, to fury, to shame, to horror, and back to anger again. In time with this cycle words started to come out of her mouth. Low, echoing her thoughts for all to hear. "[that idiot Ranma knew... Ryouga hid this from me... and I called Ranma pervert... what does he think of me now... that idiot Ranma knew... ]" A flickering blue light started to grow around Akane. As she came to the fury part of her cycle it grew brightest, then dimmed to nothing when she fell to shame and horror before growing again. Ranma finally found his voice. He pulled Akane's hands from his shoulders and, holding her hands, turned to face her. Seeing her face, he flinched each time she came back to the fury part of her cycle. Visibly he gathered his courage, and spoke. "[Akane. Akane. Akane. AKANE.]" Ranma got her to stop the cycle of fury and fear, but she stopped at the fury end of the cycle. Looking at a very angry fiancee he gulped before he continued. "[Akane, before you ask, I'll tell you. Yes. I knew of Ryouga's curse. But I couldn't tell you, or anyone, what it was. The honor that my father had taught me said that it was wrong to tell other's of your enemy's weakness. Some others have found out what his secret was, but I didn't tell any of them about it. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't figure out how to do it without being dishonorable. "[You know what it means to be a martial artist. You know that sometimes you are called to do things you would rather not. I tried to separate you from P-chan, but I couldn't give you a good reason without breaking the secret that I was bound to keep. I'm sorry that you had to find out this way from a stranger. If it will make you feel better, feel free to hit me.]" Akane listened to this speach from her fiancee. Still she looked furious. Reaching somewhere she grabbed a large wooden mallet. Holding it in an two handed overhead grip she turned to Ranma. In a sweet voice she told Ranma, "[Thank you so much for that permission.]" She brought the mallet onto the head of Ranma with considerable force. "[You idiot! If you care for me at all in the future you will never hide anything that important from me for ANY reason!]" Satisfied that Ranma was chastised and properly repentant she turned to me. "[Well, Arthur. I see that you enjoyed playing detective there. I hope that enjoyment was worth it. I do not like being made the fool by anyone. You should not play games with people's lives.]" Amazing. That mallet grew even larger as it closed on my face. What a pretty grain pattern it had. I never knew that mallets could look so nice from the edge. Just before they hit. Wow. I never felt the mallet hit my face. I hit the other wall, though. And THAT hurt. I slipped down to the floor and lay there looking at someone who had once looked like Ranma. "[Obliging girl, isn't she?]" "[Yes. I wish I could figure out how she grabbed that mallet, anyways.]" "[Oh. It's not just me. I was wondering where it came from myself. Does it always have that interesting pattern on the end?]" "[Well, yeah. I think. I can never remember just what the pattern was exactly each time.]" "[You mean she does this often?]" We heard sounds coming from the vicinity of the table. It seemed unlikely that Ryouga was getting off any easier than we were. "[Well, she IS a violent tomboy, after all.]" "[And you want more of this?]" "[Hey, She's MY violent tomboy. Why? You want her, too? Well, once I can walk again I'll fight you for her.]" "[Not on your life! You can have her. Besides she's too-]" Akane's face came into my vision. She seemed very threatening for some reason just then. "[You were saying about me? I'm too what for your taste.]" "[heheheheheheh. I just meant that you are too young for me to be interested in. Really. Honest. Don't hit me. Again.]" I began to understand just why Ranma was babbling earlier. It was amazing how threatening this otherwise cute girl could get. She looked at me shrewdly. Satisfied that I had no hidden meanings, or insults, in my refusal of her charms she let me live a few minutes longer. Ranma was snickering at my nervousness. Until Akane focused all her attention on him. "[Now, MY perverted fiancee. Do you understand what will happen if anything like this every comes to my attention again?]" "[Yes. Yes. Oh, Yes. Really. I do. I'm sorry I didn't tell you this time.]" Ranma nodded his head so fast I could swear something should have been broken by all that action. Especially after that malleting he took earlier. Before either of us could say anything else damaging... er wrong, a handsome Japanese gentleman walked in. "[Akane, I see that you are keeping me in patients. Really you don't have to worry about me not getting enough business. It's kind on you, but your friends might not like it.]" Ah.. A distraction. Hopefully he would keep Akane away from me until I healed. "[Dr. Tofu...heheheheh. This time they deserved it. Really! It's not my fault. It was a moral imperative. Honest. I only malleted them a little. Certainly not as much as they deserved." "[Who's your friend here? Is he an American?]" Presumably Akane nodded. "Well, sir. Pleased to meet you. I am Dr. Tofu. I should be able to help you in just a minute. How are you doing?" "Well, Doc. I never thought that would be laid low by a mallet. Other than the back of my head I think I'm fine. But I think I would prefer to stay here on the floor. Nothing wierd happens while I'm on the floor. I like that." "I see." He touched a few points on my head and body. With each touch some measure of my pain went away. "I take it that you have just come into to town today. Well, welcome to Nerima. I hope you have a profitable time here." With one last touch he helped me sit up and I felt better than I had since first sitting in an airplane seat almost a full 30 hours previously. I could get very used to having this kind of healing available. "Thank you Doctor. I hope that I will not need any medical services for the rest of my stay here in Japan, but I hope you would consent to treat me if ever I need help again." He smiled a gentle smile at me, nodded, and turned to Ranma. "[Well, Ranma, what did you say this time?]" "[Nothing. Really. She's just violent!]" At this announcement Akane leaned over to Ranma and smiled. He swallowed. "[Really. This time I got clobbered for what I _didn't_ say. Sometimes I think I can't win with her.]" Akane looked striken. As Dr. Tofu finished his magic Ranma sat up, and looked at her. He stuck out his tongue at her. "[But I do lo- care for her.]" She grimaced, but accepted this half-hearted proclaimation. "[Now what happened to P-chan?]" Akane growled from under one of Ranma's arms. "[That's Ryouga. I don't think I killed him. But I don't _ever_ want to see him again. He has lied to me for as long as I have known him. I think that he might even need to go to the clinic for the night. When he comes to, let him know that he is no longer welcome at this house." "[That's Ryouga?]" Ranma took over. He seemed chilled by the barely restrained fury in Akane's voice. "[He fell into a spring at Jhusenkyou, too. Tell him... Tell him... I'm sorry it ended this way.]" He grabbed the teapot and tranformed the flattened pig into a flattened young man. "[Akane, I think you will find a set of clothes for him in the bathroom behind the loose tile. Could you go get them?]" "[Why should I do anything for that pervert?]" "[Akane, he has enough problems. He should have to be carried back to the clinic nude.]" "[Alright.]" Akane walked out. Excuse me. She STOMPED out, shaking everything not integral to the building. Once the tremors went below Richter 2.4 Ranma turned to Dr. Tofu. "[Doctor Tofu, please let him know that I'll visit him tomorrow. Without Akane. Also don't let him get too depressed.]" "[Excuse me, Dr. Tofu. For your information, I expect that he is also suffering from having a very large man trying to fold him into the size of a pig.]" "[I think you might be right, Sir. This does look a bit more serious than I expected when Nabiki called me over. As soon as I can get the poor boy dressed I'll move him over to my clinic. I doubt even then he will be awake before tomorrow, so why don't you tell him yourself all the news then, Ranma?]" Akane walked back into the room with a yellow shirt and some brown trousers. She handed them to Dr. Tofu, and dragged Ranma out of the kitchen. "[Lets go out. My dinner has gone cold, and staying in the same building as that... that... mega pervert makes me feel ill.]" "[What ever you want, Akane.]" Tofu looked up at the pair, obviously surprised. He looked at me. "[I assume you are the Arthur that Nabiki said might be hurt here tonight?]" I nodded. "[What happened between those two?]" "[Well, I think the biggest thing is that the guy, Ranma, said that he loved her. Is that a bad thing? Did you have some plans on the girl yourself?]" As soon as I answered his question, he had gone white with shock. "[No. That's not it. But if what you say is true there will soon be a number of very depressed suitors for both of that pair, and I expect that it may come down to fighting between various rivals to try to change the principles' minds...]" "[Huh? I already figured that Ryouga had something for Akane, but there are more?]" "[Well, yes. Akane also has two other 'suitors' you might call them. Kunou Tatewaki, a local egoist.]" "[Him. I've met. I forgot about that stuff he had been babbling.]" "[That sounds like him. And there is a shy boy, Gosunkugi something or other. But he isn't likely to fight anyone. He'll just try magic, and he hasn't gotten any success with that yet.]" "[Weird.]" Maybe having Tofu for a regular doctor wouldn't be worth having to put up with all the lunacy that seems to concentrate here, after all. "[But that is just the start. Then you count the suitors for Ranma, and the potential for mayhem really skyrockets.]" "[What do you mean? I mean he has been engaged to Akane for a while, hasn't he?]" "[Yeeessss. But, that doesn't stop his other fiancees much.]" "[Other fiancees?]" "[Well, yes. There is, of course, Akane. A sweet tempered girl, really.]" Akane? Of the invisible hypnotic mallets? Sweet tempered? What was this guy smoking? "[Then, there is Ukyou. She's a nice girl, too. But she thinks that her engagement should take precedence since she was engaged to him ten years ago. But I really don't expect much violence from her.]" Gee, that made me feel so much safer. Especially seeing what this madman might call a sweet tempered girl. "[It's the other two who are likely to be problematical. First, Shampoo...]" "[What? I know I need a shower but you would too, after 20 hours in an airline seat!]" "[You misunderstand. I refer to a young girl who first tried to kill Ranma for her village law and now believes that her engagement takes precedence over the others. She is from China, and follows odd tribal customs. She is very willing to use violence and if totally rejected she might even decide that the death sentence against Ranma should be carried out after all.]" "[So, is she a nice girl, too?]" "[Actually, if you avoid fighting with her she can be very sweet. But she does have something of a temper.]" I shuddered to think of what this man might call 'something of a temper.' "[The most troublesome is Kunou Kodachi, Tatewaki's crazy sister.]" "[CRAZY SISTER???? You mean she makes Kunou look sane in comparison? Why does she walk around free?]" "[Well, she isn't that bad. And her father does have some pull with the mental health board. But...]" "[Let me guess she is a sweet tempered girl, too? I think your definition of sweet tempered is different form that of the rest of the world. Heaven save me from meeting anyone you think of having a violent temper!]" Getting out of Nerima as soon as possible was looking better all the time. Nabiki chose that moment to stick her head back into the kitchen. "Hey, Arthur. Are you hungry? Tick and I are ready to go get some real food. And maybe discuss the job that you are to do for me er my boss, that is." "Okay, Nabiki. Say what are we going to eat?" "Well, I figured we might go for Chinese at this place that I know. Unless you have a preference?" "Actually, why don't we try some Japanese cuisine? I think that might be more appropriate. I would like someplace close, and fast, though. I want to eat and then crash for some sleep. Soon. This weirdness is getting to me." With a goodnight to Tofu, who had Ryouga dressed and resembling a normal human body, I followed Nabiki to the front door. "How would you like to try a traditional Japanese dish called Okonomiyaki? I know a great place nearby that would be quick, good, and has a very nice chef. Besides I can get a few tables to myself so we can discuss your business." "Sounds like a plan. Lead on." Tick was in the front hallway, trying to talk to a very pretty, calm faced woman. "Condign It's Way! What a Sheet Tick-san!" He smiled at the poor woman, but for some reason she seemed completely unfazed. Looking up at his smiling face, she smiled back. Nabiki strode forward inbetween the two. "Tick-san, this is my older sister, Kasumi. [Sis, let me introduce you to the two Americans who will be staying here with us for a few days. The big blue one is called the Tick, and this is Arthur. Arthur, this is my sister Kasumi. "[Now, Sis, if you'll excuse us, we are going out to grab something to eat. You'll find Dr. Tofu in the kitchen with Ryouga, if you want to talk to him.]" At the mention of Tofu's name, Kasumi brightened. "It is nice to meet you. I hope you will enjoy your stay here. Excuse me, Arthur, Tick. Have a good meal." She left, not hurrying, but not slowly either. We could he the begining of the exchange in the kitchen. "[Hello, Dr. Tofu. How are you?]" "[Ka... Ka... Kasumi! What a surprise to meet you here. I was just telling Ryouga that he should be sleeping with you sister, and shwing him what might come of it. Like this mallet hitting him....]" Nabiki smiled a grim smile at me. "[Serves the little pervert right for tricking my sister like that.] Come on, Arthur, Tick. We are off to Ucchan's for some Japanese style pancakes." Taking each of our arms she led us off into the night. End Chapter Two