Date: Sun, 02 Jun 1996 20:20:54 -0500
   From: "Richard D. Lawson" <sterman@sprynet.com>

   Well, phoneyNT...this is weird.

Somewhat; it takes you a while to realize there's a mystery to be
solved.

   I think you need a lot more characterization.  There's a lot of dialogue 
   and not a lot of what people are feeling; I think that's important.

   Akane comes across as acting completely illogically; although I admit 
   she's not the most reasoned person in the universe, she does seem to be 
   extremely obtuse, especially during her first argument with Ranma.

Some more characterization might help; a little for Ranma, perhaps,
although Akane's action don't have to be explained any further.  In
the first conversation, she obviously didn't quite get Ranma's first
statement, and misunderstood his second, with the usual results.

Her obtuseness is a necessary component of the story (and the
Ranmaverse in general; if she was less obtuse they'd have sorted
things out a long time ago).

   That stuff about Soun and Kasumi disturbed me profoundly; that's good.  
   Yet you never mention it again; that's bad.  I think you should put some 
   more descriptions into Kasumi's reasons for her actions that can allude 
   to this scene.

I'm not sure any more should be said about this.

In some ways, leaving it unsaid makes it even more disturbing.

And further explication in this story would distract from the Ranma drama.

BTW, (responding to a posting by the author) I thought it was pretty
clear that Kasumi was the person in Ranma's room; you might add an
explaination for why Genma didn't see her coming out when he was on the
ceiling.

   Date: Sun, 02 Jun 1996 21:18:19 -0400
   From: PhoneyNT <we436@freenet.victoria.bc.ca>

   At 10:00 PM 6/2/96 -0300, you wrote:
   >Hmm I've noticed something, in episode 1 when Akane and Ranma-chan
   >are sparring, Ranma manages to avoid every single blow with little
   >or no difficulty. So why does Akane hit him so easily with a slap,
   >or a stool, etc.? Maybe his martial arts instincts aren't as sharp
   >as they should be? :)

Don't forget the element of surprise.

   because he's not really trying to.  maybe he wants to give her the
   satisfaction of smacking him so she won't smack him later.  (one
   ranma ep shows ranma getting kicked into the sky by soun, for
   instance.)

Of course, sometimes it's just because it's what the story demanded.

And of course Akane has gotten lots better once Ranma showed up.

But in general, I take this to be him *letting* her pound him; what
that is a sign of should be obvious (and no, I don't think he's a
M-type).

   Date: Sun, 02 Jun 1996 21:11:33 -0400
   From: PhoneyNT <we436@freenet.victoria.bc.ca>

   >We've got the Ranma opening up drama, which is well done (you know
   >(and not just in the fanfic world), the man has the patience of a
   >saint when you look that things on a long term scale).
   >
   >The Kasumi drama, with some interesting as well as some distrubing
   >things that aren't entirely followed up on (perhaps just as well).
   >
   >And the ramifications of the Nabiki disaster are so great it's perhaps
   >disproportionate (sp.); perhaps something subtler is called for in
   >this fanfic. (and the perp needs greater motivation to do something
   >that drastic).

   kasumi sent genma to osaka, she fragged nabiki's computer.  her "drama"
   is supposed to be her reasons for wanting to help ranma & akane.

True, but the very well done bit about Soun perhaps went beyond this.

   is the story confusing, or are you saying i need to focus on only one
   aspect of the story?

I'm saying the latter, and specificly that what she did to Nabiki was
so drastic that either she should do something less severe, or it
should be followed up on in another story (like perhaps the Soun
stuff).

   Date: Sun, 02 Jun 1996 21:11:30 -0400
   From: PhoneyNT <we436@freenet.victoria.bc.ca>
   Subject: Re: Ancell [fanfic!] "A Mother's Hand"

   >Attractiveness Factor:
   >
   >I'm happy to see you use my idea (Akane accidently kissing Shampoo);
   >but I gather you're not sure where to take the story (it'll be
   >especially hard not to take it down the lemon path, although you ought
   >to try your hand at a lemon someday).  I fyou have any ideas you want
   >to bounce off of me or the list please post them....

   well, i'm still working on ch. 2.  it's almost doubled in size,
   and i've integrated the _books_ with the story as well.

Good, I was sort of wondering (in general terms) what they were reading.

   i don't want it to be a lemon, because it's pretty clear everyone here
   finds lemons boring.  

I hope the women who so throughly bashed men writing lemons are proud
of themselves; it may be difficult for this story to avoid dead ending
without it turning lemon in the end.

It is hard for me to view that sort of "criticism" as productive,
since you're essentially telling a class of people not to write a
class of stories because you do not find most of them to be to your
taste.  Discouraging authors in such general terms is ... well, I ve
gone on enough about this.

   you're right, you're exactly right.  i really don't know where to send the
   story from here.  i'm thinking about it.  meanwhile, i'm doing these other
   fics.

(back to adressing the author)

Then again, you are one of the best at coming up with ideas for
stories, so if anyone can pull it off you can.  Looking forward to the
revised #2.

					- Harold