On Tue, 4 Jun 1996, Sebastian Weinberg wrote:

On Tue, 4 Jun 1996, Martin Bennett wrote:

On Mon, 3 Jun 1996, Kent Magami wrote:

I really need a modem... and instructions on how to hook it up...

bah! Who needs instrructions?! It's much more fun to hook it up by trial and
error. When the lights in your house dim, it's wrong. Nothing simpler.

Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. 
Which is why we ask you to please FOR GOD'S SAKE read this owner's manual
CAREFULLY before you unpack the device.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, didn't
you?  You unpacked it and plugged it in and turned it on and fiddled with
the knobs, and now your CHILD, the same child who once shoved a POLISH
SAUSAGE into your VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER and set it on "FAST FORWARD",
this child also is fiddling with the knobs, RIGHT?  And you're just now
starting to READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, right?  We might as well just break
these devices right at the factory before we ship them out, you know that? 


Besides the device, the box should contain:

* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"

* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
  club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that
can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a
major transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's why." 

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.

        - Dave Barry, "Read This First!"

Hmm... Good thing I got a computer boffin friend to do it for me...
I'm all thumbs when it comes to tasks that don't involve a sledge hammer.

Sebastian (I'm not making this up...)
-- 
          http://enterprise.mathematik.uni-essen.de/~bastian/
                           Comics reviewed.
-- 
Fairy Tale, n.:
A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.

P-word.