Veritas
by Lizsue
(scene: A few minutes after the series ended. Akane and Ranma are on their
way to school as usual. By now, Ranma is on the fence, and Akane is on the
sidewalk.)
AKANE: "...you're such a jerk! And you look stupid up there too!"
RANMA: "I do not!" (Trips, falls off the fence, and lands in a puddle by the
road.) "Aargh!"
AKANE: "See, you can't even keep your balance!"
SHAMPOO: "Nihao!" (Runs over Ranma-chan with her bicycle.)
NABIKI: (Running towards the group.) "Wait for me!"
RANMA-CHAN: (Pinned on the ground.) "OUCH!"
SHAMPOO: "You go on date with me?"
AKANE: "NO HE WON'T! We're going to be late!" (Drags Ranma and runs to
school.)
(scene: The front door of Furinkan High School. Almost all the students and
teachers are gathered outside.)
RANMA-CHAN: "What happened?"
11TH GRADER: "They locked all the doors."
AKANE: "That's stupid. Why?"
12TH GRADER: "Read the letter on the door."
LETTER: Dear faculty, staff, and students:
The Furinkan High School administration is proud to announce
its latest initiative in smoking prevention. Locking the bathrooms
was followed by students smoking in the stairwells. Locking the
stairwells was followed by students smoking in the hallways. As a
result, we will now lock the hallways during the school day to ensure
a smoke-free school!
sincerely, Principal Kuno
11TH GRADER: "He thinks that if no one can get inside, no one can smoke
inside."
12TH GRADER: "If they won't let us in, we might as well have a senior skip
day." (The entire senior class leaves.)
NABIKI: "Great! Let's have a junior skip day too!" (Leaves.)
(scene: Half an hour later. Kasumi and Nabiki are on the way to the bank.)
KASUMI: "...thanks for paying for the wall repairs!"
NABIKI: "You're welcome!"
KASUMI: "It must have taken up most of your savings."
NABIKI: "It was nothing. I've got lots left over."
KASUMI: "Really? What do you spend it on?" (thinks) She's probably saving
up to build a corporate raiding empire. Mom would be so proud....
NABIKI: "Do you want me to show you?"
KASUMI: "Sure!"
NABIKI: "Okay, wait a minute." (Goes in the bank with her wallet, and
emerges a short while later with a sack of cash.) "It's in my
room." (They head home.)
(scene: The front door of Furinkan, an hour later. There are very few
people left.)
RANMA-CHAN: "I'm bored. Why don't we go with Shampoo? It's better than
standing outside a locked door all day."
AKANE: "I'm just as bored...but she's a bimbo!...She tried to get in bed
with you!...She can't talk right!...Are you out of your MIND?!"
SHAMPOO: (Shows up again.) "Ranma go on date with me?!" (thinks) He accepted
the invitation...never thought he'd actually do that...well, now I
have to think of somewhere to go....
RANMA-CHAN: "IT'S NOT A DATE!"
AKANE: "I don't trust that bimbo with you. I'm going too."
SHAMPOO: "We go to library. That where I go, because I NOT stupid, Akane."
(thinks) It's the only place that's cool this early. Most other
places are boring until the evening. Oh well.
AKANE: "You stay in the library all day? That's dumb."
SHAMPOO: (Tugs on the door handle. It doesn't move.) "And what you do
standing outside locked door all morning?"
(scene: Half an hour later, in Nabiki's room. Kasumi and Nabiki have just
returned from the bank.)
NABIKI: "...and here's what I do with my extra money!"
KASUMI: "What is it?" (thinks) Maybe she already has trust funds...or deeds
to expensive properties...or lots and lots of stock....
NABIKI: "Voila!" (Opens her closet door. Inside is a giant nest. It's
made of hundred yen notes, and decorated with coins.) "I like money,
especially the pretty shiny kind!"
KASUMI: "Well...it's...nice...."
NABIKI: "It's not just money, of course." (Shows Kasumi the pieces of
string, plastic vending machine balls, and assorted non-coin shiny
objects that also adorn the nest.) "Do you think it's pretty?"
KASUMI: "It's...nice...."
NABIKI: "I'm going to paint it now." (Squishes some berries and dabs the
juice on the nest, by using a twig in her mouth instead of a
paintbrush.) "I heard that painting your nest helps you find
boyfriends."
KASUMI: "Uh...have fun!" (Leaves.)
(scene: Akane, Ranma, and Shampoo have stopped by the post office on the way
to the library.)
SHAMPOO: (Clinging to Ranma-chan.) "...Shampoo not stupid!"
RANMA-CHAN: "Aargh! Let go! I can't breathe!"
AKANE: "Then why can't you speak Japanese properly?"
SHAMPOO: (in English) "I happen to be perfectly fluent in Arabic, Cantonese,
English, German, Hebrew, Hindi, Khoikhoi, Mandarin, Navajo, Russian,
Spanish, Swahili, Xhosa, and Zulu, but not Japanese."
AKANE: "WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!"
SHAMPOO: "That in English. You say you so smart in language, YOU translate
it! Locked place do teach English, right?"
AKANE: "I bet you just made it up. You don't know English!"
SHAMPOO: "Then what this?" (Opens some of her mail and shows Akane and
Ranma-chan the letter inside.)
RANMA-CHAN: "800?"
(scene: Daybreak, in Akane's room, a week later.)
UKYOU: (Crawls in through the window.) "Wow, those rumors were right! She
does sleep with a pig!"
AKANE: (Wakes up.) "Ukyou! What are you doing here?!"
UKYOU: "Good morning, pervert."
AKANE: "I'm NOT a prevert!"
UKYOU: "Then what's THAT?" (Points to P-chan.)
P-CHAN: (Wakes up.) "Bwee?"
AKANE: "It's my pet pig. He just sits there on the edge of the bed. Like a
teddy bear!"
UKYOU: "Oh, okay."
AKANE: "P-chan's a really nice and polite pig." (Hugs P-chan.)
P-CHAN: "Bwee." (thinks) Awww, she likes me!
UKYOU: "That's nice. I wish I had a pet. When I was a little kid almost
all my friends had pets and I didn't."
AKANE: "Do you want a piglet?"
UKYOU: "Sure. Where can I get one?"
AKANE: "The kid down the street has a female pig and asked if he could
borrow P-chan tomorrow....Once his pig has piglets, I get half or
so and then I'll give one to you."
P-CHAN: (Struggles to escape Akane's arms.) "BWEE! BWEE! BWEEEEEEE!"
UKYOU: "Thanks!" (Leaves.)
(scene: Outside the Nekohanten, a couple of months later.)
AKANE: "I can't believe the stove blew up. Now I can't cook today. Stupid
stove." (Goes inside.)
MOUSSE: "Shampoo!" (Runs towards Akane, dropping his glasses on the way.)
"I will finally defeat you for marriage!" (Throws a knife at Akane.)
AKANE: "What the...?!" (Catches the knife.) "I'm NOT Shampoo!" (Hits Mousse
on the head with her mallet.)
MOUSSE: "I love you!" (Pulls Akane's foot so that she loses her balance and
falls.)
AKANE: "OUCH!" (Kicks Mousse into a table and stands up.) "Get away from
me!"
MOUSSE: "I love you!" (Kicks Akane.)
AKANE: "AARGH!" (staggers, and then regains her balance.) "Leave me alone,
jerk!" (Pounds Mousse into the floor with the mallet.)
MOUSSE: "Maybe next time, Shampoo...you win this time...ouch...." (Falls
asleep.)
COLOGNE: (Walks into the room.) "Congratulations!"
SHAMPOO: (Breaks through the wall.) "What happen here?" (sees Mousse in the
floor and Akane with a mallet.) "Wake up, duckboy!" (Kicks Mousse.)
MOUSSE: (Wakes up.) "What?"
COLOGNE: "Remember the way Amazon law requires a villager woman to marry an
outsider man if he defeats her?"
AKANE: "So? I'm a girl. Mousse is a boy."
COLOGNE: "The rule also applies to villager men who are defeated by outsider
women. Didn't you know that?"
AKANE: "WHAT?!"
MOUSSE: "AAAAAAAAAARGH!"
COLOGNE: "It's so romantic, just like when that nice girl from New York
defeated my son...."
SHAMPOO: "...and Grandmother and Grandfather still happily married after all
these years! Besides, it make so much sense, Akane! Mousse pester
me not you, Ranma pester you not me, so we trade!"
(scene: The Tendo's living room, one afternoon a few days later.)
AKANE: "...and that's how I got engaged to Mousse."
RANMA-CHAN: "Are you going to marry him?"
AKANE: "NO! Besides, he's scared of me now. Last time I saw him, he was
screaming and running away from a traffic light because he thought it
was me."
RANMA-CHAN: "Oh, okay. But it still sounds as stupid as what Shampoo did."
AKANE: "I'm sorry if I ever blamed you for that so-called engagement."
RANMA-CHAN: "That's okay. Speaking of weird guys...." (Leaves.)
(scene: Shampoo's room, at the same time.)
COLOGNE: "...but if you leave, you can't marry Ranma."
SHAMPOO: "I marry him after return. He wait for me."
COLOGNE: "He's not going to wait for four years!"
SHAMPOO: "Why not? He very slow. Maybe marry when fifty if I not
encourage."
COLOGNE: "That won't work. You can get a degree, pursue the engagement, or
even do something else, but not go to college AND marry him."
SHAMPOO: (sighs) "That bad. Shampoo guess she study, then MAYBE try marry
Ranma, if other girl not get him first."
(scene: A few minutes later. Akane is still there, waiting.)
RANMA-CHAN: (Walks into the room with P-chan, a towel, and a teapot full of
hot water.) "Hi, I'm back." (thinks) This is as good a time as
any....
P-CHAN: "BWEE! BWEE!" (Struggles to escape Ranma-chan's grip, and fails.)
AKANE: "What are you doing with P-chan?!"
RANMA-CHAN: "You'll see." (Pours the water on P-chan and then holds the towel
so that Akane can't see everything.)
RYOGA: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" (Grabs the towel and wears it.)
AKANE: "YOU'RE P-chan?!"
RYOGA: "I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! AAAARGH!"
AKANE: "Sorry? WHY?! All this time I let you sleep with me as a pig, and
you DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! That's so cool! I bet any other guy in town
would have, especially this little pervert...."
RANMA-CHAN: "Aargh!"
RYOGA: "You mean...you don't hate me?"
AKANE: "Ranma, this is really great news! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EARLIER?!"
(Hugs Ryoga.) "Good thing that kid with the female pig backed out of
our deal...."
RANMA-CHAN: "I thought you'd get mad at me."
AKANE: "For telling me that Ryoga is the most gentlemanly guy in Nerima?"
RYOGA: "Thanks!"
RANMA-CHAN: "AAAAARGH!"
(scene: Midnight, in Happosai's room, a few months later.)
HAPPOSAI: "...zzzzz...."
KODACHI: "...hahahahaha...he can't keep my underwear forever...."
UKYOU: (Crawls in through the window.) "I'll have to pound that little
pervert someday...Kodachi?! What are you doing here?"
KODACHI: "Revenge for the theft of my underclothes. And you?"
UKYOU: "He stole my stuff too." (Looks in Happosai's closet, and takes out
some underwear.) "I'm all set now." (Heads for the window.)
HAPPOSAI: "...zzz...panties...zzz...."
KODACHI: "Wait! What was the point of that? You have no creativity,
whereas I do...hahahahahahaha...."
UKYOU: "He stole my stuff, so I stole it back. What's wrong with that?"
KODACHI: "He doesn't care. He'll just steal it again. Don't you want real
revenge instead?..."
HAPPOSAI: "...zzzz...."
(scene: The Tendos' living room, at noon.)
SHAMPOO: (Breaks through the wall.) "Hi Akane! Shampoo have good news!"
(Hugs Akane.)
AKANE: "GO AWAY, BIMBO!" (Punches Shampoo.)
SHAMPOO: (Falls on the floor and cries.) "WAAAAAAAAAH!"
KODACHI: (Walks into the room.) "Shame on you, evil Tendo girl! She was
only trying to be nice!" (Hugs Shampoo.) "...don't cry. I won't
let her hurt you...."
SHAMPOO: "I just try to be friend! WAAAAAAH!"
AKANE: "What?! She attacked me first!"
SHAMPOO: "WAAAAAAAH! I not attack you- hey, look out window!"
AKANE: (Looks out the window.) "What the...?!"
HAPPOSAI: (Running down the street, wearing nothing but lingerie.) "AAAARGH!
SOMEONE STOLE ALL MY CLOTHES! AAAAAARGH!"
KODACHI: "If he's going to steal my underwear, he might as well wear it.
HAHAHAHA! Anyway, she was going to show you this." (Takes the
letter Shampoo is holding and gives it to Akane.)
AKANE: (Reads the letter.) "Wow...I'm really proud of you!" (Hugs Shampoo.)
(scene: The same time, in Nabiki and Kuno's classroom.)
NABIKI: (thinks) This is so annoying. I'm stuck in school and Akane isn't.
Whose dumb idea was the sophomore skip day, anyway?
TEACHER: "...it's amazing what a few angry parents can do with a lock and a
crowbar. Anyway, today we'll review trigonometry...."
NABIKI: (Looks at the clock.) "Half an hour until lunch." (thinks) I'm too
hungry to wait that long.
TEACHER: "...two pi radians is 360 degrees...."
NABIKI: (Takes her lunch bag out of her desk and looks inside.) "Yuck!"
(thinks) Too bad Akane cooked this. I need REAL food....
TEACHER: "...factor-label method...."
NABIKI: (Scribbles on some paper.) "Kuno, do you want some pictures?"
KUNO: (Looks at the scribbles.) "What lovely illustrations of Akane and the
pigtail girl! Alas, my wallet is in my locker, unreachable until the
end of class...."
NABIKI: "You can have them in exchange for your lunch."
TEACHER: "...conversion factor is pi radians/180 degrees...."
NABIKI: (thinks) Aargh! I'm hungry!
KUNO: "...I am also deprived of access to my lunch, as it too is in my
locker...."
NABIKI: (Grabs Kuno's notebook and takes several bites.) "Thanks! Here you
go!" (Gives Kuno the pictures and eats the rest of his notebook.)
(scene: The Tendo's living room, half an hour later.)
AKANE: "...this is great! When do you start?" (thinks) She's going far,
far, far away for this....
SHAMPOO: "Next year."
UKYOU: (Hugs Shampoo.) "I think it's really cool!" (Starts playing with
Shampoo's hair.) "How are you going to fit the mortarboard...?"
KODACHI: "Don't forget to write us while you're there!"
SHAMPOO: "Shampoo stay in touch with new friends!"
RANMA: (Walks into the room.) "Hi!" (thinks) Wow, they're all being nice to
each other....
UKYOU: "Hi! How are you?"
RANMA: "It's nice to see that you all resolved those dumb engagement
problems!"
AKANE: "You JERK! You always think everything revolves around you!" (Hits
him with the mallet.)
RANMA: "Ouch! that hurts!"
SHAMPOO: (Clings to Ranma.) "Look! Nice letter!" (Hands Ranma the letter.)
RANMA: "I can't read this. Akane, can you please translate it?"
AKANE: (Takes the letter and tries to read it.) "H. A. R. V...."
UKYOU: "How did you get accepted?"
SHAMPOO: "I smart, and even in Radcliffe alumnae pool!"
COLOGNE: (Walks into the room.) "I was in the Class of 1893."
(scene: Midday at a park in Nerima.)
KUNO: "...you will never have the pigtail girl! She's mine and mine alone!"
MIKADO: "How dare you claim to love the pigtail girl?! She loves me!"
KUNO: "Does not!"
MIKADO: "Does too!"
KUNO: "Does not!"
NABIKI: "Hi! I'd be happy to solve this argument for 5,000 yen." (thinks)
That's LOTS of pretty shiny things!
KUNO: "Sure, but I regret that I may only offer change...."
MIKADO: "Sorry, but I don't have any bills either ." (They hand Nabiki a
heap of coins.)
NABIKI: "Thanks!" (thinks) Yay! I don't have to exchange anything to make
the money the shiny kind!
KUNO: "So what is your resolution?"
NABIKI: "Well...let's cut the pigtail girl in half. Then each of you can
get an equal part of her." (thinks) It worked last time, didn't it?
KUNO: "Yes, I agree to bisect the lovely pigtail girl!"
NABIKI: (thinks) ...I wonder what Ranma will do once finds out he's engaged
to Mikado?...
MIKADO: "It's an excellent plan!"
NABIKI: "WHAT?! I just asked that to see which of you cared more...."
KUNO: "But it's such a brilliant proposal! One pigtail girl each!"
NABIKI: "We CAN'T really cut her in half!"
MIKADO: "Why not? Then there will be two pigtail girls!"
KUNO: "See? It's a stroke of genius!" (Runs to Ranma-chan, waving a bokken.)
NABIKI: "Aaaaaargh!"
(scene: Four years later, at the mail desk of a Harvard dormitory.)
GIRL: "...that was a great speech, Shampoo!"
SHAMPOO: "Thanks! I'm sorry I got lost, though."
BOY: "How could you miss the door?! You led the entire senior class through
a hole in the wall!"
GIRL: "But the valedictorian gets confused and messes up the procession order
EVERY year! Can I see your diploma?" (Looks at it.) "Summa cum laude
in Nuclear Physics and Linguistics...wow...well, I have to go now but
I'll see you next year!"
SHAMPOO: "You got a Rhodes too? Great!"
GIRL: "Thanks! Bye!" (Leaves.)
SHAMPOO: "All that education was useful, and cool...but it's been REALLY
worth it for THIS...." (Mails a large envelope.) "Ranma will
definitely be mine now...."
(scene: A week later, just outside the Tendos' guest room.)
KASUMI: "Can I see the mail after you're done with it?"
RANMA-CHAN: "In a minute." (Walks into the room.) "...I wonder what Shampoo
sent me. It's hard to believe it's been four years already...."
(Opens the envelope. Inside is a magazine.)
MAGAZINE HEADLINE: (in English) Playboy's Women of the Ivy League Issue.
RANMA-CHAN: "A magazine? She must have written an article in it. Too bad
I can't read English. I'll just have to save this until later."
(Puts the magazine on a closet shelf. It falls, and opens to
a centerfold picture of Shampoo.)
KASUMI: (From the next room.) "What's taking so long? Can I see the mail?"
RANMA-CHAN: "In a minute!" (Looks at the picture.) "Why isn't she wearing
any clothes? She'll catch a cold." (Puts the magazine away.)
"Colds are bad."
The end.