On Tue, 11 Jun 1996, Ryan Mathews wrote

Plot was intriguing, typical BGC "what-a-tangled-web-we-weave" stuff. 
I'm not exactly sure where you can go from here, but it will be 
interesting to find out.

  Right now I see about three ways in which it could go... I'm trying to 
decide which is the most in-character.  This is particularly true in the 
case of Nene, who is dealing with some very unfamiliar feelings, and 
could quite possibly be changed forever.  Then again, she is young, and 
she might just bounce right back.

One thing: I'm not sure Sylia would have broken down like that.  She 
would have been crushed by such a development, true, but she 
considers herself the Knight's pillar of strength and would most 
likely do her crying elsewhere.  If there was a confrontation between 
Sylia and Priss, I'd expect it to go the other way, with Priss 
berating Sylia for being too cold.

A very valid point.  I chose to have Sylia behave the way she did for 
several reasons... 
    First : This is set some time after Crisis ends, so they've been 
together a long time, and the facades have dropped somewhat.
         (NOTE: as far as I am concerned, no Crash)
    Second : Sylia has never known defeat or failure.  When she does 
fail, it has come at a devastating price.  Nene is (was? remains to be 
seen) an innocent, and this is the sort of thing that crushes innocence; 
Sylia feels responsible.
    Third : after bearing the sorrows of the Knight Sabers for so long, 
even the strongest of shells will crack.  This has not been an easy 
undertaking for Sylia by any means, and it has worn her down... perhaps 
the time has come for the others to be her strength.

   As I said, your point is valid... but this is how I interperet the 
character.  From here, I think she could be seen either way.

Now the hard part: you need to work on your style a little more.  
The structure is awkward in places and the dialogue sometimes seems a 
little forced.  In one spot, you have a three-way conversation 
that needs more attributions (e.g. "Priss said"); I lost track of who was 
talking.

   I can see some of the things you are referring to here... when I put 
out the revised version of pt. 1 (hopefully soon), it should show some 
improvement in these areas, notably the dialogue problems.

Prose can be damned difficult to write.  I know it can take me hours 
to write just a couple of pages.  Keep working on it!

------RM

Thank you very much.  I know it can be difficult to criticize other 
people's works, because it's a difficult thing for me to do, but I 
appreciate your making the effort, as it will make me a better writer.

Hang on... Part two should be out soon!

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Stormwalker <temporarily at pingley@post.cis.smu.edu>
"Chaos is a good thing"
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