The Ed Wood school of fanficcing brings you something REEEEEEAALLY
bad, yes, the crudmeister has returned from his jaunt in trying
something that was not meant to be crap, to do things that are really
crap! *joy* time to improve on my yardstick (bgc doon undah in neu
zoolund :)

There comming to take me away HAAHAA
there comming to take me awaaaaaay
There comming to take me away haahaa
there comming to taake me away!

==================================================================

Convenient plot chara Saotome R, of the Nerima district straightened his
tie "This is going to be one of those fics, i can just feel it!" he
said to no one in particular as headed out the door towards his car
with his suitcase.


Ranma enters Ukchans McNomiyaki and starts running down his checklist
of things to babble on about and looks over at Tsubasa and Konatsu,
  "For starters, all McNomiyaki fanchise owners are supposed enforce
the dress code" looks specifically at Konatsu "ALL waitresses must shave
their legs and atleast get a lipwax. And you" he says looking now at
Tsubasa "your not supposed to wear the McNomiyaki burglar constume,
your supposed to wear the other one!!" grrrrrr. Ranma writes out a
checklist of things that need to be fixed, and takes off for his next
appointment.........


  "Damn traffic" he says. We wait for 30 minutes as the camera pans
around the car, and everything else outside of Ranma's car. He's stuck
on some nondescript freeway in a MAJOR traffic jam. The camera pans up
over his cars numberplate "WANKR" to the bumper sticker on the car
in front of him "Honk if you love Mari" (clearly the owner of the car
is a demented A-Ko fanboy) up to the bus jammed in alongside Ranma. The
faces of a multitude of squeeling C-Ko's, bawling Usagi's and
screeching MinMay's peer down through the windows.

BzzzzzzzzzzzztBzzzzzzzzzzzzt *bap*bap* Ranma contorts his body,
desperatly trying to *bap* the blowfly shitting him off in the car.
BzzzzzzzzzzzBzzzzzzzzzzzt, Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, the blowfly
is joined by a choir of crying C-Ko's and Usagis, and then by an air
horn fanfare rendition from dukes of hazard wannabes.
Bzzzz*bap*Waaah*bap*Hoooonk*bap*BAP*BAP*BAAPB*APBAPBAAAPPABBAP*BAAP*

click

"SHISHI HOKODAN" (or whatever) screams Ranma, totally blowing the shit
outta the back windscreen and roof, but unfortunatly misses the bus
full of whinning C-Ko's & Usagis. We see him kick the friggen door
open and stomp off towards the bushes to the next scene.


  Ranma enters a dimly lit store, all the items look several years out
of date.
  "Can you gimme change for a dollar?" he asks the shopkeeper
  "no chain, mus by sumtin"
  "huh? I gotta buy something?" Geeeez what a cheap gimp he thinks, but
comes back with a coke-o-kola anyways.
  "fidey sen"
  "wha?
  "fidey sen, fidey sen"
  "fifty cents? thats not enuff change for a phonecall!"
  "fidy sen, you buy or not?"
  "Veee, theres a Veeee in there, FiVtey cents"
The storekeeper keeps whiping his greasy mits on his shirt, looking
really nervous. Ranma, for his part is getting irate, and pushes the
dude around, the dude pulls out a sawnoff baseball bat wich Ranma
takes, and uses it to go to work on the poor guys shop. The poor guy
is less than impressed.



The camera pulls down outta a hole in Ranma's shoe. Two greasy looken
homies come up behind Ranma just as he's putting newspaper in his show
to cover the hole.

  "I think he shud peh a tollh eh holmes?" an evil gosunkugi-ite said.
  "I'm just taking a rest here fellas, I'll be on my way now-"
  "awwwjeeeeaaah, a tollh, i think holmes, that breifcase wud doo nicley"
said the second homie, completely decked out with baggy ass jeans that
would house 5 families.
  "Couldnt leave it alone couldya, ya had to keep pushen dincha" Ranma
turns back and grabs his briefcase and baseball bat "you want my
briefecase, here take it then" and started lashen the naff homies with
the bat producing a resounding crack as it connected with one of the
poor saps elbows.  Said saps POQ, indicating our hero should move
onto the next scene.



  "Welcome to Nermia Fried Neko" stated the purple haired chinese
flirt in a skirt, "I demand your order please now!"
  "Yes, I'd like the bacon'n'egg burger"
  "I'm sorry, we no serve breakfast, lunch menu now."
  "But I want breakfast!"
  "We NO serve breakfast now" the flirt in a skirt stated agitatedly.
  "Are you the manager, I wanna see the manager, get the manager over
here." The flirt in a skirt was replaced by a dried prune on a stick
  "How may I help you sir?" it asked, sizing Ranma up with its
know-it-all eye.
  "Eye want some brekfest!!"
  "Were serving lunch now-"
  "What time did you stop serving breakfast?"
  "10:30am"
Ranma glances at his watch and notes that it reads 10:36 "But I REALLY
want some breakfast" he says, pulling out a fluro blue supersoaker
waterpistol (fully loaded with jusenkyo spring of pussy maggot water)
  The prune stammers "Y-y-yes, what would you like to order?"
  "I want the bacon'n'egg burger, cooked with Colonel Colognes' leven
secret herbs n spices." The prune puts a burger on a tray,
and lets Ranma unpack and assemble it after reading the chinese
instructions.
  "WTF is this sorry thing?" he says pointing to the microwaved and
nuclear melted specimen that tries to pass as food.

* Ranma slaps old_prune around with a large trout.



Several horizontal lines appear on your screen (its that funky VT100
terminal emulation in unix, you want flicker free, get avatar) as the
fanfic is sped forwards to the next scene.


  "What kind of vigilante are you?" asks a ex vietnam vet
  "I'm not a vigilante, I'm just a consumer standing up for my rights!"



everything speeds up as we fastforward again


                             credits roll

[ *yawn* too tired to write the full Falling Down movie version ]