Don Wang wrote:
After the light dissipated, Ranma and Akane noticed that
a strangely looking winged-aircraft simply appeared and
was hovering above the Tendo dojo!
Don't use exclamation points in your descriptions; let your images do
the impacting for you.
"Don't ask me!" answered Ranma, "Well, whatever it is, it is coming
down!"
This reminds me of something from Douglas Adams "Hitchhiker" books, in
which he talks about how stupid British people are because they say
stupidly obvious things, like "Oh dear, you've just fallen down a
thirty-foot well. Are you all right?" Having Ranma say "It's coming
down" makes him sound silly; instead, just describe the spaceship
descending.
<There is... oh... I'll say about three people inside whatever that > thing is,> thought Ranma.
Same thing. Instead, write something like, "Ranma thought he could see
three people inside whatever that thing was."
The only other thing I have a problem with is the premise; let's all
beat up on each other for no adequately explored reason. I'm not saying
you can't write good 'fics based on this, but they had better be *real
good*, because the concept is an old and tired one. I'll be interested
to see where you go with this, but you'd better give us something
special.
:) I hope I don't come across too mean. Remember, the toughest part of
writing is creating something that is not just interesting to *you*, but
interesting to other people as well. I don't know anything about Chrono
Trigger, except what you told us in this chapter, but I don't find the
characters terribly interesting. It is up to you to make them
interesting to us.
Good luck! :)