On Sun, 23 Jun 1996, Travis Butler wrote:

Lyra: <Woebegone look> Oh, dear. <Lays down her cards.> All I've got is a 
pair of ones... oh, and another pair of ones.

Good going, Lyra! ^_-

Lyra: I hate to say it, but I think the prologue stretches on just a 
little too long. It'd be funnier if it were tightened up a bit.

A little tighter and it would be a summary.

Frito: Yeah! Where'd those attakin' troops come from? They pop up outa 
nowhere, zap the lab, and poof out again! 

Now when did everything need an explicit reason? If you really need a
reason, I suppose I could stick in a few words so you know why the
invaders are attacking. Btw, those invaders have evolved from the KS
themselves to another branch of Genom Labs to anti-science fanatics and
finally to just some unnamed troops.

Windir: Indeed. The whole raison d'etre of the prologue is that the 
Warners are created through a glitch in the Genom manufacturing plant; 
there's no need to expand it beyond the minimum necessary to establish 
that fact, unless it is truly funny. And sadly, this is not, In My Humble 
Opinion.

It wasn't supposed to be funny. It was just supposed to show the origins
of the Warners with a vague MegaTokyo feel to it. I do think I should have
made it darker though.

Windir: <Resolutely ignoring the interruption> And, as you say, the 
troopers are confusing, and their appearance does not even adhere to the 
minimal level of sense present in the original story.

Which original story? Animaniacs? They didn't really need a reason for
anything that happens. BGC? Violence is the norm there.

Lyra: Hmmm... the idea is to startle the tech, so he glitches the 
computer, and also drive everyone out of the lab, right? Why not just 
have a reactor accident, or something like that? It could even contribute 
to the computer glitch.

I like the scientist. Someone to blame is always good. Besides, I have
plans for that scientist. He's the only one who knows what he had typed in
and what databases he accessed that night.

Lyra: Perhaps "Priss-'ll sing a verse?" Scans a bit better.

That does sound better. 

[While the buma stands there processing this very cute request through 
his CPU, 

Frito: Hey, can ya say that differently? It sounds kinda clunky.

How about "[While the buma tries to process this very cute request,"?

Windir: Indeed. A story should attempt to spend most of its time in the 
areas where it is "at home," so to speak. In this case, the strengths of 
this story are the madcap antics of the Warners, and their humorous 
juxtaposition with the normally serious and dark BGC universe. Therefore, 
the story should spend the most time in the parts that contribute this to 
the story -- such as the antics of the surgery scene -- and less time in 
the areas that do not, such as the prologue. For that matter, examine the 
Warners' real origin story. It *is* told in a narratorial style, but with 
emphasis on how they affected the studio and not on their actual creation.

I suppose the surgery would flow more smoothly without the summary. I just
have a slight problem dealing with visual gags in a script. 

Lyra: He's right, you know. <Sigh> Hmmm... speaking of narratorial voice, 
perhaps the prologue would work better if there were an actual narrator? 
Like that part in the origin story?

It might but I wanted to see if I could do it without any narrator. Once
the story is done (whenever that is), I might put the narrator in for the
prologue if I don't like the current one with the whole story.

Quincy (looking at Mason):  I want those Warner kids captured and analyzed.  
       I also want to know where they came from.  Their strange 
       abilities of matter materialization and of reprogramming a buma 
       so quickly would be useful to Genom.

Frito: Clunk! Clunk! Clunk!

Lyra: It *does* sound like Windir, doesn't it? <Grins mischievously at 
him>

I'm not very familiar with how Quincy talks. I didn't really want him to
just say "Get them" or "I want them".  How about just the first sentence?
"I want those Warner kids captured and analyzed."

Daley: Sorry, Chief, three bumas have gone rogue and are destroying 
      downtown MegaTokyo!

Frito: Yeah, like what else is new? Tell us somethin' we *don't* know!

Lyra: It is a bit redundant.

I guess it is. But I think Daley would be semi-polite to the Chief.

Windir: I think the difficulty with the Patton speech is that it comes 
across as *too* serious; the irony or exaggeration you'd hear in the 
vocal tones, to offset the seriousness of the words themselves, is 
missing in this medium. 

Hmm...I suppose it might. When I read, it's as if I'm hearing the words
spoken so a toneless reading is hard for me to do.

Yakko: Now I want you to remember that no toon ever won a laugh by being
      boring.  You won it by making a poor dumb sucker blow up or get
      flattened.

Lyra: Like this, for example? 

Windir: Exactly. Saying "blow up or get flattened" comes entirely too 
close to "real" war, and does not really fit the light tone of the story.

I can't really think of anything to replace that sentence at the moment.
If there are no suggestions and I can't come up with anything, I'll
probably just delete that sentence.

      My God, I actually pity those poor suckers we're going up
      against. My God, I do. We're not just going to shoot them,
      we're going to anvil them flat and use them as the treads of our
      tanks. 

Frito: Uh, yeah... I guess this does sound too real violent, not fake 
violent.

Lyra: I'd substitute some sillier reference myself -- "anvil them flat 
and use them for frisbees," for example.

I like your frisbee idea. ^_^ How about "We're not just going to fire
waterguns at them, we're going to anvil them flat and use them for
frisbees."? 

Lyra: Is she actually *named* Hello Nurse? I always thought of her as 
just the Nurse.

I believe she is.

[Inside a nightclub called "Hot Legs". Priss and the Replicants are 

Windir: There should be a comma after "Hot Legs."

Got it.

Lyra: Well, mostly. <Smiles> This scene with the bouncer was a good match 
for the original, but it wasn't that funny.

No show with the Warners is complete without Ralph chasing them. :P

Nene: Aren't those the kids who defeated those three rogue bumas the 
     other day?

Lyra: You think they'd *know* that they were! Getting involved with them 
isn't something you're likely to forget.

Well, this chapter was actually written before the previous one. This was
a pretty lame attempt to tie the chapters together. How about "Hey, those
are the kids who defeated those three rogue bumas the other day!"?

Frito: Hmmm... ya know, dis is a great chance for some gags about their 
secret identities... can ya imagine them tryin' ta persuade the Warners 
to keep quiet about it?

That comes later. The Warners don't know about it yet.

Linna (whispers to Nene): And maybe you can discover more about these 
     strange children and how they do all these tricks.

[Nene nods in agreement.]

Frito: Clunk!

Lyra: It's a sensible idea, but that sentence drags by comparison with 
the rest of the dialog.

I'll probably be cutting that bit. It is a bit obvious.

Nene (thinks back to last night): Those kids sure are amazing!

Windir: A bit obvious, here.

Frito: So what would ya say instead?

Windir: Something less chiched, to be sure.

If practically anyone who encounters the Warners can say "You kids are
driving me crazy!" then Nene can say "Those kids sure are amazing!"

They run in and 
are soon obscured by another dust cloud.  When the dust settles, the 
apartment looks as before and the Warners are standing in the middle of 
the room looking at Nene.]

Lyra: I've got to agree with the poster who suggested she ask to keep the 
apartment the same size. <Gets a wistful look> An apartment the size of 
an amusement park...

Hmm... I must have missed that post. Sounds like a good idea. Thanks to
whoever suggested it! I wouldn't mind having an apartment that size
either. ^_^

Lyra: Boot to the head!

Frito: <THUD> Owwwww! <CRASH... Tinkle>

Lyra: Ladies and Gentlemen, Frito has left the building.

*giggle*

[As Nene herds the Warners out of ADP Headquarters, Leon comes out from 
under his desk.]

Leon (whispers to Daley): Are they gone?

[Dot pops out of a drawer and kisses Leon.]

Dot (pinching Leon's cheek): Only for a while, Cutie. I'll be back before
   you know it! (disappears)

Lyra: I'm not sure why, but this doesn't seem right somehow.

It seems all right with me. Was it what Dot said or her popping up like
that?

Windir: Well? <Looks expectant>
Lyra: Well?
Frito: Well well!
Lyra: Deep and full of water.
Windir groans and shakes his head.
Windir: I was *hoping* for some comments on the story.
Lyra: Oh, that!
Windir: <Gritting teeth> Yes, *that*.
Lyra: It was good.
Windir starts banging his head, very slowly, against the nearest wall.

Poor Windir. Everyone teases you unmercifully, don't they? *giggle*

Lyra: All right, all right! <Reaches out to stop Windir> I thought the 
story did an excellent job of capturing the feel of Anamaniacs, slipping 
in only a few places, and was very funny. 

Thank _you_ for the comments and suggestions. ^_^

Frito: Yeah, now I wanna know where the author's goin' from here!

For that, you'll have to wait for the next chapter, whenever I find some
time to write it and barring writer's block and other natural and
unnatrual interruptions. ^_^

Saf

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