Here ya go, Don!


Zen really liked the story here - it is Orders of Magnitude better than
April Fools -
In April Fools the characters seemed a lot more two dimensional - here you
have given them both (particularly Akane) a lot more depth, and Zen thinks
that your characterizations are very good.

You may have your doubts about Akane, but rest assured, Zen thinks that you
have her nailed.  Zen can easily see her responding this way, particularly
if she comes to the conclusion that Ranma really doesn't care anything
about her.  Akane is hurting - really hurting, so expecting her to act
entirely normally would be silly.  The Akane that you have written seem
very much in character for the circumstances that you have provided.

If there is any weakness in the character depictions, it is probably in
Ranma instead.  Certainly he reacts on an instinctual level, but what makes
him a great martial artist is that he learns from his mistakes.  When he
uses insults to try and get a reaction out of Akane, that reads true - but
he seems to be taking a rather *long* time to figure out that things are
Different now.

As for Akane's means of generating pain, stay with the pins - it works, and
works well.  Zen thinks the knife would be a lot too extreme, unless you
are planning on making her suicidal.

Which brings Zen to end (?) of story.  Where are you going ot go with this?
As it is, there are a number of questions that have to be answered - Can
Ranma win her back?  Even more importantly, *should* he?

The interplay between the characters was very well done - Again, the
primary weaknesses in this piece are mechanical - matters of grammar, and
sentence structure - with a few edits, Zen thinks that you'll have a really
good piece here.

Keep it up!


Zen-

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[[                  James Bateman (Otaku@nashville.com)                  ]]
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