Ok first off - I want to make this perfectly clear - I do not have anything
against, you Damon. I didn't set out to give a bad review, however, if you
want my honest opinion - you had better go back and start over on Blue
Lighting. I couldn't finish reading it because I had too many problems with
it. I quit when I got to the 'CAPTURED!' section.
I've included a list of things that I feel need to be addressed, see below.
Damon - I feel you have a story here, but you need to flesh it out - A LOT!
There was a complete lack of timing, of depth, of character development.
You jumped from one scene to the next, never dwelling on what was going on
or why. The whole story seemed more like an outline than a finished
product.
Go back and detail things more - explain what's going on around the
characters, not just what's in their minds and hearts. Explain what they
are doing, this helps scene changes go smoother
I very, very rarely quit reading a story when I start it, but - I'm sorry -
I was so lost and disorganized by a 1/3rd of the way through, I didn't have
any choice.
This story could be something - but it needs some work. Think of it as a
skeleton and FLESH IT OUT!!!!
Keep plugging, Damon.
AlberCrombie
--------------------------------------
*COMMENTS*
I don't know about the Maison Ikkoku references - if you are going to use
that, you should probably give a one or two line discription.
If you are aiming to sell this to a magazine or something, remember - there
probably aren't a lot of anime nuts out there. People familar with it, but
no otakus. In other words - I wouldn't count on a majority of people
having a clue what Maison Ikkoku is.
-----
in the line :
"Just in Case. They're probably already on the continent
somewhere."
Shouldn't that be : 'Just in case, they're....'
------
"It's a good thing the air is breathable. I'd hate to walk around
in those stupid suits all the time."
What stupid suits? How 'bout.... 'stupid enviromental suits'
------
They find the humanoid on the beach with the electronic thing on its person.
The line says they turned his head and saw the gizmo - was it on his face,
his neck, his forehead? where?
______
Ok - I just got to the point where Damon and Steve go back on to Blue
Lightning with the sea-humanoid - I'm a little lost - you are jumping
around from scene to scene with very little explanation. Just 'boom, next
scene'.
Case in point : S&D are in shuttle looking over sea-humanoid
S&D are standing out side looking at cliff
(when did they leave ship?)
D notices sound
'The scoutcraft flew into the night...'
(say what? S&D's scoutship? what about the sound? Too confusing.)
'John and I helpded the sea-dweller onto a medbed.'
(when the hell did they get back to Blue Lightning? When the hell did they
pack up and take off from Earth?)
Maybe it's just me - but I can't follow the pacing you have set for the
story.
------
Kerin's story : escape from the compound:
They are obvioulsy in a vehicle fleeing from their captors ('Kerin
peeked above the dashboard' - I eventually figured out they were in a
'flitter' - but this doesn't help - what is it? How big, what's it look
like?
------
You keep mentioning a mystery - define it a bit. I'm still wondering what
the hell prehistoric earth is doing with two moons, sea-dwellers, and
another ship scouting about it, such that Blue Lightning isn't wondering
what it's doing there.
------
Damon said he played the recording they made for the sea dweller - when?! I
was under the impression that everything happened real quick from the moment
that S&D returned to Blue Lightning (land, get humanoid to sick bay, doc
operates, S&D reminis, D. sees humanoid after operation and tells doc to
reattach head gizmo.)
You timing is a problem. Not enough information about what is going on to
determine the correct passage of time.
------
Steve picks up a fake scottish accent for a moment when Damon failed to
realize that the sea-dweller was female. Why? or more importantly, where is
the mention that it was a fake scottish accent. (I'm assuming it's fake
since I haven't seen him talk like that before)
Always make sure there is an explanation or reason for everything you do,
and make sure it is clear to the reader why you did it.
------
--==---==-=-=-=-=-====-==-----===-=-====-----=-==-=-=-=-=-===-=-====---===--=
AlberCrombie - Hentai Space Gopher e-mail: gopher@venus.net
http://www.venus.net/~gopher **fansubs available here**
_/\ Ranma 1/2 _/\ Maison Ikkoku _/\ Cuety Honey _/\ F^3 \_/ Dragon Pink _/\_
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes.
Art is knowing which ones to keep.