From:        Richard Lawson, sterman@sprynet.com

Chris Willmore brings out the worst in me.

It was after reading "Ranma 2096 Part I" that I wrote "Storm's End", a
dark look at Akane recovering from tragedy.  I'd never have written it
otherwise.

Then he writes "Within the Candle-Flame".  It started things going in my
mind, things that led to this fanfic.

So you have an idea what to expect.

I have to admit, it *wasn't* entirely what I'd expected. I'd been 
half-joking with someone about how, with two major characters 
Jusenkyou-cursed into delicious forms and several other characters cursed 
with the knowledge that 'that could have been *me*', it was surprising 
that half the cast weren't vegetarians. Just then, "Within the 
Candle-Flame" popped up, so you can imagine what aspect of *that* story I 
fixed on... and thus, when you said this was inspired by it, you can 
probably guess what I might have been expecting. <wry g>

If you think this is much too dark and sick for Ranma, remember, it's
not my fault.  It's Chris who does this to me.  Blame him.

^_^

I'm real interested in C&C on this one.  Did it work for you?

Um. It shook me. I finished the story shaking just a little, and 
half-inspired-to-work-on-the-funfic-I've-got-in-mind/half-certain-that-I-co
uldn't-pull-it-off. It was quality writing, in general. Whether it was 
*good* writing... -_-

"So, Saotome Ranma, shall we begin?"

Ranma looked up and across the table.  In the chair opposite his, a man in a
rumpled suit looked back at him evenly.  The man's face was stone cold, 
seeming to have judged him already and found him wanting.

Ranma fought to control himself.  He was teetering on the edge, and needed
to use all of his willpower to keep himself from exploding in a rage.

This character was probably the weakest part of the story; I can see 
where someone like him is needed to move the plot along, but he was done 
in a pretty stereotypical fashion.

Ranma walked through the front door with Akane.  He dropped his bag on the
ground and walked down the hall, ignoring Akane's sound of disgust.  Who was
she to judge him, uncute tomboy that she was?

Akane called after him.  "You'd better start being nice to me, Ranma!"

He turned back to her in surprise.  "Why?"

Akane flushed a little.  "If we're going to be married, we have to at least
pretend to respect each other."

This exchange also seemed a little forced.

He heard someone moving inside.  The door was unlocked and opened to reveal
Mousse.  His face was very somber.

Ranma looked at him for a few seconds.  Something was very wrong.  "What's
going on, Mousse?  Why aren't you guys open?"

Mousse bowed his head.  "Shampoo's Great-grandmother passed away last night."

Sadness filled Ranma.  "Oh man."  He'd never liked the old hag much, but she
had taught him a thing or two.  Shampoo must be devastated.  "How's Shampoo?"

Instead of just telling us with a phrase like "sadness filled Ranma," I'd 
show that with his reactions; blinking in surprise followed by closing 
his eyes and swallowing, or something like that. You do a good job of 
this with Mousse, but it needs to carry over into Ranma as well.

Deep pain crossed Mousse's face, and he shook his head.  "Not good.  We're
going to be taking Cologne back to China so that she can be buried properly.
I don't know if we'll be coming back."

Ranma reached out and gripped Mousse's arm.  He felt like he owed something
to Cologne, but was unsure how to repay it.  "If you need anything, man, let
me know."

This is a lot better.

spatulas without too much trouble.  She could only use one hand, but that
should be enough.  She threw three in rapid succession at the male shape, and
felt a small bit of triumph as one of them connected.  There was another cry,
and the figure went down on one knee.  Ukyo grabbed more of her spatulas; she
just might live through this.

Suddenly, she felt weak.  Energy seemed to be draining out of her at a 
remarkable rate.  

A little too sudden, I think. <wry g> Again, it'd be better if you showed 
the reactions instead of using slightly cliched phrases; show the 
spatulas shaking in her hand, or something.

Yes, I know I'm nitpicking. I'm hoping to keep this a little more under 
control, this time 'round.

"You had nothing to do with the engagement."

"Nope."  No matter what the old man said, it hadn't been his idea.

"Good, isn't it, that your life won't be complicated by your unwanted
engagement to Ukyo?"  The rumpled man's voice was neutral, with just a 
touch of forcefulness.

Ranma leapt to his feet, slammed his fists against the table, and leaned to
shout into the rumpled man's face.  "What're you saying!  I liked Ukyo, I
really did!  You ain't gonna accuse me of nothing, you hear me?"  Ranma felt
something making his cheeks wet, and ignored it.

The rumpled man only lifted a bored eyebrow.  "Who was making accusations?
You seem awfully defensive, Saotome."

Ranma slammed himself back into the chair, nearly breaking it.  There was no
winning with these guys.  Damn them all anyway.

Again... while this is an effective way of bringing out Ranma's emotions, 
the rumpled man is just a little too stereotypical.

The rumpled man was silent for a minute, then shuffled some papers.  "Then 
there was the incident with your friend, Hibiki Ryoga?"

Ranma nodded.  Friend.  It sounded strange to hear that, but it was true.
Ryoga was his friend.

Had been his friend.

This part works, though. Quite well indeed.

Nabiki looked a little concerned herself.  "She's been clutching her stomach
for a couple of days.  She's so stubborn, she doesn't admit it when she gets
sick."

Kasumi smiled.  "She's proud, that's all.  I'll look in on her in a while."

This section is where I started feeling a little suspicious of Kasumi. 
Akane's stomach problem did sound somewhat serious... and while this 
sentence is in character for Kasumi, it seemed just a little too 
light-hearted. The first grace note of doubt...

"Hello, Ryoga-kun.  Would you like some cookies?"  Kasumi's smile and simple
greeting surprised Ryoga and took the wind out of his sails.  She had that
effect on him.  On everyone.

This allays suspicion for a little bit, coming after "Heart of the 
Family"...

Ranma, meanwhile, was glaring at him.  "You're the one who was aggravating
her, Ryoga.  Don't come crying to me."  Ranma looked ready for a fight, and
Ryoga prepared to oblige him.

A cookie was shoved into his face; reflexively, he chewed on it while Kasumi
held out another one.  "Have some more, Ryoga-kun.  We have plenty for
everyone!"

...but this plants another seed of doubt. The use of 'shoved' is very 
effective here; Kasumi, *shoving* anything? 

Another time Ranma might have grumbled about being Akane's messenger boy. Too
much had happened in the past few days, however.  All the fun had gone out of
life.  "Sure, Kasumi."

This is another effective passage; most people would feel pretty battered 
by these events, and this does a good job of getting us to identify with 
him.

The rumpled man was looking through some more folders.  "So you claim that
these two meant to attack your fiancee instead of you, and that you merely
defended yourself against them.  Kuno Kodachi tried to save you, since she
wanted you for herself and was unable to control Kuno Tatewaki.  In the end,
two more people who were making your life miserable ended up dead, and you
lived through the experience."

Ranma nodded.  He knew better than to say anything; the rumpled man would 
just
find a way somehow to turn it against him.

The rumpled man stared at him a moment longer, then continued.  "She was 
merely
eliminating the obstacles that stood between you and her, but in the end was
caught up in her own machinations.  That's how you see it?"

Some good points were made here... but again, the 'police interrogation' 
bit is used often enough that something should be done to make it feel a 
little fresher.

Ranma drained his tea and stared into the empty cup.  "You know, Kuno and 
Kodachi on their best days couldn't match Ryoga.  Ryoga should've beat them
to a pulp.  Kodachi poisoned him and Ukyo somehow.  With what?"

"Maybe Tatewaki's katana was coated with poison."  Kasumi's voice sounded
quiet, encouraging, helpful.

Ranma shook his head.  "No.  I got cut with it, and nothing happened to me.
It had to come from somewhere else."  Ranma looked up at Kasumi.

Of course, the same argument would apply to Ukyo... and, as far as we can 
tell, she *was* poisoned by the katana. Minor logical hole. 

Kasumi stuffing a cookie into Ryoga's mouth.  Offering him more.  Could
she have given a cookie to Ukyo?  Yes, it would have been easy.  

One answer, yes... but we should have been given a bit more indication 
than some crumbs that she brushed away (after all, it was a restaurant, 
you'd expect to find crumbs). 

"Don't strain yourself, Ranma-kun."  Kasumi's voice sounded pleasant and
warm, as always.  "Everyone else drank from the same tea you did.  They'll
be asleep for hours.  I just wanted you to rest, Ranma-kun.  I had so 
hoped it wouldn't come to this."

[...]

Ranma wanted to cry out in horror.  No no no.  This can't be happening.
This is Kasumi, she's nice and sweet.  Please, it can't be like this,
someone make it stop.

Ranma wanted to cry.  He couldn't.

I think this niceness is makes the ending so chilling. 

His last thought was:  Appearances can be deceiving.

Brrrrrrrrr.



Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
 tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
 <http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
 Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)

...Cats are the proof of a higher purpose to the universe.