From: Greg Sandborn <sandborn@microlink.net>

First, you might want to reread your story AFTER running the spell
checker, just to make sure that all of the correctly spelled words are
the correct correctly spelled words.

Second, I didn't like the way you hopped around between the sisters the
first time and then settled on Nabiki the second time.  I think this
would be a stronger story if written from Nabiki's POV consistently or
if you follow each teenager as she wakes (perhaps with a memory of
mom in their dreams).

Third, the song.  This would be much stronger if you had words to go
with it.  The teenagers could recruit each other into it and the scenes
would tie together much more strongly.

Forth, Mrs Suzuki.  This didn't work for me.  Perhaps If you'd shown the
emergence scene, or flashed back to it when teen-Nabiki woke.

All in all, a nice vignette, you didn't toss in extra verbiage or allow
it to wander.

	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb