Well, now I've read the first part....
At 06:54 AM 8/28/96 -1000, you wrote:
Ranma 1/2: Ai no kodomo
Chapter 1 - Like Father
Mistakes become experience and experience becomes wisdom but there
Liked this line :)
will always be a new generation to make old mistakes and new mistakes for
the older generation. This is the story of two generations where knowledge
is a relative thing.
The rest doesn't sound right (but I kinda like the
concept)...especially the last
sentence...what do you mean?
Maybe: there will always be a new generation to repeat old mistakes and an
old generation to make new ones.
My revision is not great...but I think it is a bit of an
improvement.
The Tendo dojo, now known as the Saotome/Tendo dojo, changed little
over the years. Furinken High managed to become better than ever, keeping
^^^^^^^^^^
I thought that was spelled Furinkan...just a minor quibble.
with the technological times despite Tatewaki Kuno becoming principle.
^^^^^^^^^^
I know that is spelled principal. Are you going to give Kuno any
weird quirks like his father had?
Ryoga and Akari finally found love, and married shortly after Ranma
and Akane. Without Akane to fight over Ranma and Ryoga eventually became
good friends and somewhere along the line they managed to engage their
children, much to the dismay of their wives.
Why would Akari be dismayed...just curious. It's neat that their
children
are engaged...the relationship is interesting...a little bit of the old
Akane/Ranma
fights except Kune isn't rude and doesn't seem to fight back. Megumi certainly
has a temper.
It was shortly after the wedding of Ranma and Akane that Shampoo
had returned to China, alongside Mousse and Cologne. It was a bit
unnerving to hear of their departure but a relief nevertheless. Ukyou had
closed up shop as well and gone back to her parents.
Ranma sat on the back porch and let his thoughts drift to China and
the life he used to lead, but he kept his thoughts silent so as not to
invoke the wrath of his wife. It was not an easy marriage but it was a
good one. Akane still had her violent temper, Ranma was just better about
avoiding it.
Looks like Ranma has changed even though Akane seems same.
I'm wondering how her little family survives her cooking...from all appearances
it hasn't improved. BTW, the first line seems a little misleading since to
newbies, it might seem that Ranma spent most of his life in China.
He heard the front door open and the sound of books tossed hard to
the floor. He could tell by his daughters egerness he was in for quite a
^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^
Should be: daughter's eagerness
workout today. Ranma dismissed his previous thoughts and made his way to
the dojo.
Megumi was already destroying bricks at an alarming rate. At least
what would have been alarming if the dojo didn't receive a massive discount
>from the Hibiki demolition company. Ranma could sense training would have
It doesn't make sense to me for the dojo to receive a discount from a
demolition company (but then I'm ignorant). Besides, in your second chapter
you made it a construction/demolition company so you might want to go with that.
<snip>
"Stupid! Fiancee my Grrrrrrrrrrr!"
Maybe: "Stupid! Fiance! Grrrrrrrrrrr!
(PS, you spell it fiance for male and fiancee for female>
Ranma stepped back to the safety of the doorway, sensing what was
about to come. "Aim that way."
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Ranma kept one wall of the dojo open at all times for ki drills,
after the first few years it didn't make sense to keep rebuilding the thing
since it got destroyed on a regular basis. Ranma's ability had grown in
Gee, great idea...I'll bet Nabiki wishes she had thought of this. BTW,
does the ki dissipate or does it have to hit something...there is probably
something behind that wall.
<snip>
"Of course not. If he wants to go ooggle he new girl in town, why
^^^^^^^
Should be: ogle (yeah, it looks weird any way you spell it, but I checked
my dictionary for this one)
<snip>
Hibiki Kune was known to have a wondering eye but it took a brave
girl to stand between Megumi and her man, at 16 she was unmatched in Nerima
much less the Furinken student body.
I like this...but seems like a run-on.
Maybe: "Hibiki Kune was known to have a wandering eye, but it took...her man; at
16, she was unmatched anywhere in Nerima..."
BTW, on the matter of names...you seem to switch between last name,
first name
(Hibiki Kune) and first name, last name (Tatewaki Kuno). Standardize
this...I confess
I prefer the former to the latter.
<snip>
Megumi grimaced, "Can I go have dinner with Kune daddy?"
Maybe: Megumi grimaced. "Can I go have dinner with Kune, Daddy?"
<snip>
Whoever said it was right on both accounts. The ramen used the
same ancient Jokegetsu recipe unchanged after 17 years, and the same amazon
^^^^^^^^^^^
I think that's spelled Joketsuzoku.
marketing ploy. Why mess with a good thing?
Spice was about 16 and without a doubt took after her mother. She
I might know who Spice's mother is...but I think you need to do a bit
better job introducing her if you keep referring to the unnamed mother. BTW,
since the people in Shampoo's village seemed to be named after hair products
and the like, why name her Spice in the fashion of the people of the Musk
Dynasty?
Don't change it though...I like Spice.
<snip>
right there in the corner sat the spitting image of Ryoga. He was much to
^^
Should be: too
<snip>
<You're the boss dad.> Spice shruged and took the bowl before
heading back, <...and I am just the simple peasant girl slaving away her
childhood for the greater good of the Amazon tribe. Working long hours
without compensation, just to keep a roof over my head and a dinner on the
table. Who am I to question this life of endless toil I lead...>
I like this. She has a nice sense of humor.
Mousse grinned as he watched her wonder off. "Good girl."
^^^^^^^^
I know the spell checker won't catch that so I will. It's "wander"
Spice placed the steaming bowl of ramen before Kune dispite his
^^^^^^^
Should be: despite
objections, "No worry cutie. Ramen on house, if tell me your name. I is
Spice."
I don't know about her speech. I think Shampoo-speak is more
charming and cuter...but Mousse WAS the one that taught her Japanese.
<snip>
A bit of comment on the snipped part (sorry, snipped before I thought).
Okie refers to one of those poor migrant farm workers that were forced to
leave the farms in Oklahoma during the depression...just a bit of trivia.
"What would Megumi say?"
"You're a dead man Kune." Megumi said flatly.
Cool entrance.
Toshi and Yoshiki began tripping over themselves to escape. This
was not going to pretty, Kune was their friend and all but even friendship
had it's limits.
^^^
Should be: its
"Darling.. I can explain.. did I ever mention how battle aura
brings out the color in your eyes?"
What a charming devil.
Megumi decided to take that as his flight papers and threw him
through what was fortunately the open front door. Mousse sighed and
This doesn't sound right. How can she take his statement as his
flight papers. BTW, defenestrate means to throw someone out the
window (preferably closed)...anyone know or want to make up the term
for throwing people through doors and walls since the Ranma cast does
it so often.
started putting the dinner ingredients away for the night as he saw Spice
approach the red haired girl and the customers start sneaking out.
Maybe: started putting away the dinner ingredients <dinner ingredients?
anybody have suggestions> when he saw the red-haired girl approach
Spice; the rest of the customers were sneaking out.
<snip>
Mousse began unwrapping Spice, <promise not to go chase that girl?>
<I promise, but can you hurry? I think I have to use the bathroom.>
Good reason for her to hop up and down and wail. Kinda weird for her
to do it after that confrontation...but humorous.
Mousse sighed and wondered why he ever agreed to come back to Nerima.
Ooh...he has a reason? I wanna know. I wanna know. <gleeful
childish chant>
<snip>
3. C&C or lurk, I'm writing this till I finish or lose interest.
4. I'll try to post revisions with new chapters about once a week.
More...I want more. Can't appease me with Chapter 2...already
read it. I want Chapter 3
.
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The Venkarel
(enjoying this one)