Bryan's C&C Boilerplate -- Short Form Changed: August 23, 1996
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-- The secret words are BEGIN COMMENTARY --
First off, I liked reading this -- it's fun to read, and progressing at
spectacular pace (what... you're doing a chapter every 3 to 5 days, or
less?) How far is this going to go? (I'm just curious.)
I think the Tenchi characterizations (Mihoshi, and especially Sasami) are
well done. Since they're among my favorite Tenchi chars, I think that
it's just fine (the only other person I'd like to see is Kiyone (is that
the third guess as to the person responsible for the ionization?)).
On with the comments.
On Fri, 30 Aug 1996, Derek Sherman wrote:
"So they're not of this dimension?" Worf grumbled. "That would explain
many things."
"Still sore, Lieutenant?" Riker dead-panned. He turned to Councillor
Troi. "Deanna, have you sensed anything more from them?"
I like this interplay, although I think I thought that Riker was a little
too sarcastic (just a little). That's not directed at this passage in
particular, just in general.
Picard turned to Riker. "What were your impressions, Commander?"
Riker smiled. "Hard to describe, sir." He looked at Worf. "A ditzy
blonde, a young girl, and a small fuzzy animal. Hardly what I would
call a competent crew."
"Agreed." Worf hissed through his teeth. "Especially that.... that
'Policewoman.'" He looked at Picard. "If she is a typical example of
a law enforcement officer, then I would hate to see what the
criminals are like."
I think you have a good ear to the voices of all of the characters -- at
least, it's similar to what I think the characters would say. :)
Beverly sighed and shook her head slowly. "There's no need to apolgize,
Mihoshi. That med table was old and in need of replacing anyway."
"Are you sure?" Mihoshi asked, staring at the bits of optical
conduit and electronic components poking out of the med table. "I
mean, all I did was bump into it, and..."
it fell into a million pieces??? :)
Beverly turned to where Sasami was sitting on one of the beds,
Ryo-Ohki sitting beside her. Beverly smiled and pulled out her tri-
corder. "Everything alright over here?"
Sasami nodded. "Yes, thank you."
"Mrrow." Ryo-ohki mewled plaintively, blinking large eyes at
Beverly.
Hm... I think Dr. Crusher's going to be in for a surprise when she scans
Ryo-ohki. :) :) :)
Mihoshi had leapt to her feet and was spinning in a flailing
circle. "Oh no! Where is it! I just had it, where could it have
gone?!" Her voice was increasing in pitch with each revolution. "I
can't have lost it, I just *CAN'T*!"
Sasami jumped from the bed. "Mihoshi! What's wrong?"
Beverly positioned herself for a flying tackle, then thought better
of it. "Miss Mihoshi! Please *CALM DOWN*!" she shouted. "If you'll
tell us what's wrong, I'm sure we can help you."
"Wrong? What's wrong? *Everything's* wrong!" Mihoshi shrieked.
"First Ryoko blows up the bathroom, then we get stuck in an alternate
dimension, and my chest gets exposed to half the galaxy..."
"There were six people, Mihoshi." Sasami pointed out.
Mihoshi ignored her, continuing to spin around. "... and now I've
lost my control cube! I can't believe that it's gone!"
"Control cube?" Beverly asked. "What does it look like? Perhaps
we can find it."
Mihoshi's gyrations came to an abrupt stop. "You think so? Oh,
that's so nice of you! How can I ever-" She paused, her eyes
crossing. "How can.... I...."
"Mihoshi?" Sasami asked, stepping up beside her. "What is it?"
"I... feel dizzy." Mihoshi muttered, and promptly fell over
backwards.
"Is she *always* like this?" Beverly muttered.
Sasami looked at her and nodded. "Uh-huh."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
This is funny. Really.
Mihoshi shifted her weight from foot to foot. "Well, it's a standard
control cube... you use it to transport from place to place, to summon
important items, to... um...." she scratched her head, "to... well, it
makes some excellent coffee, by the way. Did I mention that?"
Hm. I don't think of Mihoshi calling the coffee "excellent". How
about "... it makes really great coffee, by the way." I dunno... maybe
it's just predjudice. :)
Picard leaned to the side. "Councillor?"
Should this be Counselor ? I dunno...
ship," Mihoshi grimmaced, "they get so yucky sometimes. It's also
good for getting those little dust rabbits out from under the-"
grimaced ?
Anyway, this is very funny stuff. I like the fact that the characters
seem not to be "modified" from their home worlds--they react about the way
they do in the "real world" (such as it is), just with very strange other
folks. :)
Keep it up! I wanna see more! :)
bryan k ogawa <bkogawa@primenet.com> http://www.primenet.com/~bkogawa/