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-- The secret words are BEGIN COMMENTARY --
On Tue, 3 Sep 1996, Richard Lawson wrote:
My previous posting of this fanfic was a first for me in several ways.
[...]
It was also the first fanfic in which the negative comments outnumbered
the positive comments.
[...]
People had problems with my science and with my interpretation of how
the loss of livestock would affect the world. It bothered people so
much it ruined the story underneath.
So, I had two choices: bury the fanfic underneath some peat moss and
hope that it would never again see the light of day, or try to fix it.
Although I was strongly tempted to choose the former, I finally decided
that I couldn't grow as a writer if I couldn't learn from my mistakes.
You're right, and I applaud the decision for that reason. The other
reason I applaud the decision is because this second draft is great stuff.
Really. Keep doing this, and I'm going to be expecting that signed
edition of your first novel. :)
One of my mistakes, as I said in an email to Zen, is that I
underestimated the depth of knowledge of my readership and overestimated
how much they'd be willing to forgive. I was hoping everyone would put
on their "Star Trek" blinders when reading my fanfic. Alas that I was
wrong.
That's OK.... just don't underestimate us again. :)
So here's the second draft. I've significantly changed the mechanics of
how the virus(es) work, and what impact the loss of cattle and other
livestock would have on the world.
The reworking is much more realistic in my mind. Everything fits together
much better.
Oh, and now my second essay:
MAGIC EXISTS IN THE RANMAVERSE
You may think this is a point that doesn't need to be made; obviously
magic works. What I'm saying is that magic exists outside of Ranma, and
is known by the world in general.
[...]
All that being said, I do make it slightly more logical that the
reporter makes the deductions that he does at the end of the story.
I like this thesis--the whole "Magic: The Reality" thing worked really
well for me.
[...]
I want your comments. At the same time, I'm hoping to avoid deep
analysis of the science or the effects of the viruses that I've
postulated. My main interest is that they're plausible enough (even if
unlikely) so that they don't detract from the rest of the story.
Yes. They are plausible enough for me.
Thanks for your patience. Cry Havok! And let slip the dogs of
criticism.
[...]
>From Here on out, I stop trying to mark where I cut out parts of the fic.
Interview
Thy Inward Love : Aftermath
by Richard Lawson
The photographer indicates his readiness. We make our way along the path around
the pen to the front door. I have to admit to myself that I just a little
nervous. Part of it is that this is the first major story I've been assigned
from the editors at People magazine - due mostly to my fluency in Japanese.
While it doesn't matter as much here, I think this article seems more like
something that'd appear in _Life_ or _Time_ or _Newsweek_ than people.
Actually, this isn't the place that it matters. The article on "Magic:
The Reality" is the one that'd fit much better in one of those three
magazines. (However: doesn't _People_ focus on entertainment and
cultural figures) It matters more in the other one. However, the title
is good.
***
October 14, 2008. AP - Kansas City, MO
Unknown Disease Strikes Cattle
These articles give a good feel to this story... I like them, this one in
particular... it shows how people like to be optimistic about how things
will go, and reads a lot like what I'd expect to see if a virus like this
struck, at least in the early stages.
***
October 21, 2008. AP - Kansas City, MO
Deadly Cattle Disease Killing Thousands
Another thing that works well is the gradual progression of estimates of
damage.
The Kansas virus is deadly and swift. One infected animal will kill an
entire stockyard within three days. So far, scientists at the Center for
Disease Control have been unable to isolate the virus, so the exact means
of transmission hasn't been discovered. Some populations of livestock that
have been completely isolated from the rest of the United States have been
infected.
This is good... the additional time in the pressure cooker with everyone
tearing apart the ways and means of the virus paid off here (and a bunch
of other places), in my opinion.
Ryoga looks up at me. He has a troubled look on his face, and mumbles
something I'm sure that I'm not meant to hear. I think he says, "I am no
cannibal," but that makes no sense. It must have been something else.
I look down at my own sandwich. Somehow, it's slightly disturbing that
we're eating bacon in the house of the world's most famous pig-lover.
I can almost sympathize with those fanatics. Almost.
I like this passage--it works well for me.
Our best and greatest thanks go to Dr. Willis Kaine, soon to be known as the
Savior of the World. He was worked with us over the past two years to create
I liked this re-use of "Savior of the World"... works well for me.
Both of their faces cloud over, as do most everyone's at the memory of those
days. Akari speaks softly, sadly. "It was very hard. We had good friends
who could make sure we were safe from economic hardship. We were less
concerned about that than we were about what kind of world our children
would grow up in. If they were allowed to grow up at all."
The last sentence is jarring to me -- why would they NOT be allowed to
grow up? Even with economic horrors galore, the picture that this painted
for me in the first story -- of euthanasia as a means of solving food
shortages -- doesn't ring true. I think it's the word "allowed" -- it
suggests that some authority would take it upon themselves to "not allow"
children to grow up, versus children being killed in some sort of
collapse or world war.
Despite assurances that food supplies are plentiful, consumers have been
stocking up on food items, leaving stores with empty shelves to offer other
consumer. This has lead to rioting and the declaration of martial law in
most major cities in the United States.
Although you wanted to avoid deep analysis of consequences, the rioting
seems a little strong, at least for the US. Then again, it could be my
US-centrism at work.
Mexico City is in ruins as riots continue there for the fifth consecutive
day in the face of the economic crisis. The war in Central America has
flared up once again, threatening to drag South American countries into
the three year old, intermittent conflict.
This, on the other hand, works well for me. It paints the picture of a
world that's the future--one where Central and South America threaten to
become Africa. In reality, and in my second thoughts, it seems much less
realistic -- Central and South America have different things happening
than Africa -- but it caught my mind.
The American Medical Association issued an alert, asking those with diabetes
to conserve on their use of insulin. About 70% of the world's supply of
insulin comes from pigs. The remaining 30% comes from genetically engineered
bacteria. Facilities producing insulin using such methods have had their
production capacity greatly increased, according to the alert. While no
one in the United States has yet died because of the shortage, reports
from other countries have reported shortages have led to health problems
for many diabetics, with 17 confirmed deaths.
This works well for me, too.
The President spoke from the White House, urging calm. "There is no need to
worry; we have food to feed everyone. We have tons of grain that we are
in the process of delivering nationwide so that no American need go hungry."
This is good -- it addresses the fact that, while people aren't going to
starve, economic horrors may be in store for us. However, something about
"tons of grain" doesn't ring like presidential speeches.
As I walk up to Akari's bookcase, the first thing that catches my eye is
a copy of the magazine that I work for. I smile a little wryly; it's one
of our most provocative and controversial issues. "Magic: The Reality"
the cover blares. Inside are listed several documented instances of magic
in the world. Despite our assurances of absolute proof, there are still
those that insist that magic isn't real.
Of all of the things you did in this story, this is by far my favorite
one. This really does give me the sense of seeing a different world --
one that's familiar, yet different enough to engage my "reality doesn't
work like in the regular world" filters. And it does it in a way that
most other SF stories don't trigger. Magic, not as a cataclysmic power,
but as a curiosity. Insanely great. However, I still see this as more
the province of _Life_ or _Time_ or _Newsweek_ or someone like that.
I am brought short by the sound of something running from behind the house.
It's a small black piglet, and it turns the corner of the house and screeches
to a halt right in front of me. Its eyes are wide as it looks at me.
I smile and bend down to look at it more closely. "How come I didn't meet
you earlier, little fellow?" I scratch his head and notice that he's wearing
a yellow and black bandanna around his neck.
I stop scratching as several things occur to me at once.
Ryoga, apparently, has a way with pigs. He won't eat meat, and mumbles
something about cannibalism. Akari was scared to death of a virus that
killed pigs. Ryoga has traveled the world, including a visit to China.
He's interested in magic, and was interested in what I knew about magic.
He grimaced when I mentioned our inability to verify a rumor of magic in
China. And Akari discovered a Kansas-resistant DNA strand of a pig when
she didn't have the capability to produce such strands on her own.
I guess I have a real problem with this paragraph. It feels too explicit.
The reader has been given every clue that the journalist has, and probably
knows about Ryouga's curse already. Given all of this, I think we don't
need to see how he figures out the curse, just that he does. Maybe just
delete this paragraph, and let the reader figure out that the writer's
figured out already.
I think Akari is wrong in this case. I think there are some discoveries
that are not worth sharing.
Maybe it's just me, but I think that this paragraph leaves the discovery
clear enough for the reader.
Ken yells at me from the van. I smile at Katsu-nishiki, put my finger to my
lips, and leave the Hibiki family in peace.
bryan k ogawa <bkogawa@primenet.com> http://www.primenet.com/~bkogawa/