WARNING! This little piece contains profanity, naughty
references, and just about everything your parents warned you
about. However, it's typical of what you'd find on a Hollywood
movie set.
P.S. If you like the Ranma characters the way they are, DON'T
read this. This could seriously affect how you see these
characters in the future.
Just another Day on the Set
By Uncle Fester
Sound Stage 4 on the back lot of a small Japanese film
studio was a beehive of activity at 6 am. Construction workers,
set dressers, lighting technicians, sound techs, and assistant to
the assistant directors were all busy preparing for the day's
shoot. Over in a far corner, around a large table heaped with
pastries, the film's stars were preparing.
"I can't fucking believe it!" Akane Hidaka said throwing
down her revised-revised script. "I'm supposed to do WHAT' to
Kuno?!?"
"Awww, jeez, Akane. You made me spill my coffee." Ranma
Yamaguchi whined as he shook off the remnants of his morning
caffeine fix. "You know how rewrites go. They take a script
that already sucks and make it worse."
"Easy for you to say, Mr. jump-around-screaming-and-kicking," Akane bit into another Danish. "I wonder if your fans
know you use a stunt double for all those action scenes."
"Hey, I do some of my own stunts." Ranma shot back. "Like
the time I had to fall down in the shower with Shampoo. Now
*that* was acting."
"A single fall in a shower with a girl does *not* constitute
a stunt."
"It does if you do it with Shampoo and want to keep your PG-13 rating." Ranma countered with a wry grin.
"By the way, where is that bimbo anyway. She's first on the
shooting schedule this morning." Akane asked looking around.
Shampoo Sakuma, smoking a cigarette and looking like
something that had spent the last 12 hours entertaining the crew
of the USS Nimitz, had, indeed, arrived. She waddled in; a small
barrel bag over her shoulder and two, rather young looking male
assistants', in tow.
"Rough night, sweetie?" Akane asked with a fake pout.
Shampoo just shot Akane a lethal look and continued towards
the makeup trailers.
"Well, there goes this morning's shooting schedule." Ranma
said with a sigh. "She'll be in makeup all morning trying to get
those bags out from under her eyes. She looks like a damn
raccoon."
"And screws like a rabbit." Akane said under her breath.
Further discussion of Shampoo was interrupted by a commotion
over at the makeup trailers.
"Bernie!!! Bernie, you son-of-a-bitch!" It was Kasumi;
hopping mad and being trailed by two makeup people and a
hairdresser.
"Aww, geeez. Not Queen Kasumi again." Ranma mumbled trying
to hide his face.
"God dammit, Bernie, get this woman away from me." Kasumi
gestured towards the frightened hairdresser. "I am an
professional, dammit. I don't have to put up with this kind of
crap!"
"Kasumi, baby. What's the problem?" Bernie, the third
assistant director said, trying to calm down one of his stars.
"What's the problem?!? Just look at me, you idiot. This
bitch has my bangs all wrong and the damn pony tail over the
wrong shoulder!" Kasumi screamed, ripping off the fake pony tail
and throwing it at the hairdresser. "I *don't* have to take
this, you know. I've had other offers."
"I doubt that Dinner Theater in Kansas City counts as a real
offer." Akane mumbled just loud enough for Ranma to hear. The
two snickered.
"Relax, sweetie. I'll get you someone who knows what she's
doing." Bernie said with a total lack of expression. Turning to
the hairdresser: "You. You're fired. Get out."
The hairdresser broke into tears and ran from the sound
stage. Kasumi, with a self satisfied look, strutted back to the
makeup trailer to finish preparing for her day's shooting.
"One a day," Ranma observed while looking at his coffee cup.
"Yup, that's three in as many days, she's nailed." Akane
agreed.
Just off the main set, Genma in a giant panda costume was
talking to the first assistant director.
"Now, tell me, just what is my motivation in this scene?"
the panda' asked.
"God damned method actors." muttered the assistant director.
"There is no motivation, you schmuck!" he finally yelled at the
overweight, overaged, balding has-been Asian actor. "You're a
god damned panda, for crying out loud! All you have to do is
eat, shit, and look goofy! Do you think you can handle that?!?"
Genma stared blankly at the hyperventilating assistant
director for a few moments. "Yes, but what's my motivation?"
The assistant director just slapped his forehead and
muttered: "Schmuck!" as he walked away.
Bounding out of a makeup trailer, Ryoga made his entrance.
Along with his typical black and yellow outfit, he was sporting a
makeshift black cape. Alternating between covering his face and
flashing his fake fangs at the girls, he pranced around the sound
stage.
"Oh God!" Akane said hiding her face. "Look what's coming;
the gay ghoul."
Ryoga sprinted up to his fellow actors and, dramatically
sweeping his cape aside, went for a pretend bite of Ranma's neck.
"Back off, Tinker Bell!" Ranma warned without even looking.
"Ooooo. Did someone get up on the wrong side Kodachi?"
Ryoga pouted back at a fuming Ranma. It was true. Ryoga knew
all the dirt on everyone.
"That's a rumor started by those damned tabloids, and you
know it." Ranma bristled. It was true that he and Kodachi had
been doing the *horizontal hula* for the last two weeks but the
way the tabloids made it sound, he was breaking up Kodachi's
marriage in the process. It's not her fault her creepy husband,
Tofu, filed for divorce. Between his drinking and occasional
drug use, no one was surprised to hear how he was beating the
crap out of her in the evenings. Since the separation, Ranma was
just being a friend;...a good' friend.
"Touch a nervie wervie, Ranma sweetie." Ryoga cooed and
pursed his lips as if to give Ranma a kiss.
"Put a sock in it, you fairy!" Ranma growled.
For some reason Akane thought the whole thing was hysterical
and kept turning away laughing. She always knew about Ryoga,
having come up through the business with him. Heck, she even
dated him once or twice before her agent suggested it wouldn't be
good for her career unless she planned on moving to Hollywood.
Still, watching him needle Ranma made it worth getting up early.
Ryoga figured he wasn't going to get many laughs with this
group and moved on, attacking script girls, electricians, and
anyone else that caught his eye.
"Creep." Ranma muttered, shaking his head as he watched the
phoney vampire flit from person to person. "He seems to be
taking the breakup with Mikado well."
"Yeah, but I heard that the breakup caused Mikado to check
in at the Betty Ford Clinic for depression." Akane replied
snagging another Danish.
"Ah ... Akane." came a tiny voice at her side. "Could I ask
you about this morning's script?" It was Nabiki Takayama, former
Miss Kure and part time idol singer. Nervously looking at the
floor and acting apologetic about interrupting her screen idol,
Nabiki held her script copy in trembling hands. She had been
pushed into this business by her mother who was convinced that
her daughter could be the biggest star in Japan, if only she
could get the right break.
Nabiki began her career as a pre-teen model and idol singer
before jumping to television commercials. All went well until
she got her first movie part; a cave girl in some low budget
sexploitation production where she had to run topless across the
screen pursued by a guy in a rubber monster suit. The problem
was, she just didn't have the proper... foundation for such a
part. The critics panned her, the offers dried up and she had a
nervous breakdown. Playing Nabiki Tendo' on the Ranma 1/2' TV
series helped her recover her sanity and her career. To her
mother, the Ranma movies were going to be that big break she
dreamed of.
"Sure toots." Akane replied digging a bit of roll out of her
heavily capped teeth with the nail of her pinky finger. She
kinda liked the older girl. Oh, heck, let's just admit it; she
had the hots for Nabiki. Tall, thin and with a sexy little body,
Akane had dreamed of the possibilities, if she could just gain
the girl's trust.
"It says right here," Nabiki began, nervously pointing to a
line in the script she was holding. "I'm supposed to pour water
on Ranma. Am I supposed to set the camera down *before* pouring
the water or should I try to hold the camera while pouring?" She
looked so sweet and innocent begging for help.
"Well," Akane put her arm around the girl's shoulders and
drew her close. Ranma just looked away and whistled silently.
"You have to put the bucket down before shooting the pictures, so
I'd say lay the camera on the floor first, so you have something
in your hand when you stand up." She looked sweetly at Nabiki.
Ranma gobbled a little more of his coffee and cast a wary glance
at the steamy pair.
"Thanks, Akane." the older girl said softly. It was evident
she was blushing. "I really respect your acting experience."
"We can talk more about acting over lunch, if you'd like."
Akane was a spider baiting her web.
"Well, mother was planning on meeting me for lunch today."
Nabiki said shyly. "But if I can get some pointers' from a
professional like you, I'm sure she wouldn't mind."
Ranma choked on his coffee and Akane shot him a warning
look.
"Fine. We'll have lunch in my trailer and talk all about...
acting." Akane said sweetly as she softly stroked the older
girl's cheek.
That must have made Nabiki nervous as she suddenly said:
"I...I have to go study my lines now." And quickly slipped away.
"Another notch for the AC/DC queen?" Ranma chided as he
picked up his own script.
"Maybe." Akane replied before cleaning her front teeth with
her tongue. "But she seems a bit too skitterish for a first
ride. Maybe something in the evening would be more...
appropriate."
"Yeah, well, just be careful. I remember your last big
conquest'. Linlin and Ranran almost landed you in Jail-jail."
Ranma was scanning the sound stage for someone.
"Hey! They said they were over the age of consent." Akane
protested. "You know I have a weakness for young stuff."
"Akane, you have a weakness for all' stuff."
Ranma soon spotted who he was looking for.
"Yo, T-man! Over here." He yelled at Tatewaki Kuno'
Suzuoki.
"Hey, Ranma." Kuno flashed the smile that made him a
modeling legend as he easily slalomed his way through the stage-hand obstacle course. Dressed in fashionable slacks and knit
shirt, he looked more like a successful dentist than an actor.
"We still on for tennis this afternoon?"
"You better believe it, buddy. Where's the kids today?"
Ranma made an exaggerated look around his best friend like he was
looking for someone.
"Ah, the wife took them to that Disney park again." He
laughed. "They just don't seem to get enough of that place." He
slid up to Akane. "Morning beautiful." He bent over to give
Akane a peck on the cheek. In spite of all they had been
through, she still had a soft spot for the tall male-model-turned-actor.
The two had tried to have a relationship back when the TV
series started but failed because of her checkerboard background
and rumors published by the relentless tabloids. The part about
the abortion didn't help either.
"Morning to you, white bread," she chuckled. In many ways,
she envied her former heart throb and his stable home life. "How
long have you and Azusa been married? Eight years?"
"Nine this June. Little Charlotte will be 7 next month."
Kuno laughed.
"Hey, that's great." Ranma slapped Kuno's shoulder. "She
want anything special for her birthday?"
"Awww, you know kids. They want anything and everything."
They all shared a vanilla laugh. "By the way, I hear old Soun's
gonna direct this one."
Akane and Ranma both rolled their eyes. Soun Wiseman used
the old If I don't get to direct at least one of these movies,
I'm walking.' routine back when he was negotiating his current
contract. No one could understand how a guy who's only real
acting talent is being able to cry on cue could get such a clause
in his contract. In any case, this latest addition to the
Ranma 1/2' movie series would be directed by a certain Soun
Wiseman'.
As if on cue, Soun stormed onto the sound stage and all work
seemed to wrap up with his arrival. Wearing knee boots over a
pair of riding pants, a casual shirt with scarf tied around his
neck and topped by a French beret, he looked like something out
of a bad 1930's movie. The second assistant director called the
first shot of the day and the various actors took their places.
Ranma peeled off his robe to reveal his white sleeveless t-shirt
and red striped jogging shorts. Yawning, he stretched out on the
futon before settling into the position called for in the script.
Nervously, Nabiki waited behind the sliding panel at the
back of the set, trying to balance a bucket, a kettle, and a
camera. A dresser made last minute adjustments to her school
uniform skirt.
Ranma's twin sister, Ranko, stood nervously just out of the
shot as a hairdresser fussed over her red wig. She would be the
transformed' Ranma after the water was poured onto her brother's
body and considered herself lucky to get this part. Her last job
was a bar room bimbo in a Project A-Ko movie. Such parts were
just not good for a person's career.
The twins started their entertainment careers together as
kids, doing a little song and dance routine for conventions,
veterans groups, and just about anyone else that would hire them.
They were actually pretty good. But, the pair aged and were soon
no longer cute together. So, they tried other things like a
magic act (Ranma the magician with Ranko as his lovely
assistant). That didn't work because Ranma proved to be all
thumbs and Ranko, allergic to animal fur, would constantly
sneeze through the pulling a rabbit out of a hat' trick. Later,
they tried a little tumbling routine that was so bad it would
have died in vaudeville. Finally, they did a stand up comedy act
together and really hit the big time. Within three months of
their first appearance, they were doing all the top comedy clubs
in Japan and other parts of the Far East. Their TV guest
appearances went well enough to catch the eye of a lady named
Rumiko Takahashi who threw together a quick script based on a
manga series of hers, sold it to Kitty Films and launched the
pair to overnight stardom. The TV series went well enough to
spawn a series of movies which helped make the pair rich as well
as famous.
Soun yelled Action' and Nabiki slowly slid open the door.
She had done this scene before in the TV series, so had no excuse
for lousing it up this time. Maybe it was Akane's proposition or
the pressure of trying to please mother, but the girl suddenly
tripped on one of the mats, falling forward and planting her
34C's directly over Ranma's face (much to his delight). Water
from her bucket went everywhere, especially over the soundman and
his control board. The resulting electrical short circuit set
off the overhead sprinklers, drenching everyone on the sound
stage.
Ukyou was late for work. She impatiently waited for the red
light outside the studio door to go out so she could sneak in and
hide in the makeup trailer before anyone noticed her tardiness.
A bell announced the end of the shot and the red light
abruptly went dark. Relieved, Ukyou yanked open the door to an
odd sight. All over the sound stage there were wet animals of
every description, some still climbing (or wiggling) out of their
clothes. Actors, stage hands, assistant directors, *everyone*
had been affected by the water.
Cautiously, Ukyou backed out and thought: "Well, *this* is
going to put the shooting schedule a little behind. I told them
not to shoot on location last week in Jusenkyou. [sigh] Guess I
better go find some hot water." She was about to close the door,
when a thought struck her. With an evil grin, Ukyou reached
inside, flipped on the red light again and quietly closed the
door. So long as the red light was on, no one would dare open
the sound stage door...no matter how long it took.
"I needed a vacation." she happily said to herself as she
ambled towards her Mercedes. By the time anyone looks in there,
I'll be on the beach in Hawaii."