Here it is, the rework of the former Nameless Saga. I'll be pushing out 2
or three episodes a night; and will then begin releasing the sequel.
C&C is fine - but, since this is a rework, you might want to wait for
the sequel if you don't C&C a lot. Or not.
Enjoy.
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__
_ ___.-.__ /_ |
_ / \ _ (___ __) | |
| |\_/ / ` (___ __) |_|
| `--. / /_ .--` '-. =======
`---. |/ ) | .-. ._ \ .---.
.---' / /-. `-. `-' | `' (_.-. | The Varaiyah Cycle
`----'`-' `---'`---' .'.'
.'.'_ (formerly
(_____) The Nameless Saga)
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Ranma 1/2 and all characters and backstory in this Fanfic are the
creations and property of the illustrious Rumiko Takahashi-sama. Trust us
on that. The Nameless Saga was written by Mike Loader and far too much
coffee.
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EPISODE ONE - Guess what's coming to dinner?
(Night. The camera pans across the rooftops of Nerima, coming to
rest on the Nekohanten. Suddenly, from out of the shadows, a
black-suited, masked figure appears. She stares at the
Nekohanten, nods, and begins to slowly make her way towards it.
The figure reaches a window, and begins to open it, then appears
to reconsider.)
Figure: (in scratchy, my-voice-is-disguised whisper) They
wouldn't....
(The figure takes out a pole, which was somehow concealed in the
next-to-skintight bodysuit. Stepping back, she uses the pole as a
lever to open the window. As it is about halfway up, a click is
heard, and a barrage of about fifty butcher knives shoots out of
the window.)
>From off Camera: MEEEEEYYYOWWWLLLLLL!
Figure: (impressed) I guess they would. Poor kitty.
(cautiously enters the restaurant through the half open window)
(The inside of the Nekohanten is dark and still. Tables with chairs
piled upon them dot the room. The figure hesitates, then begins to
make her way across the room. Every once in a while, she stops,
checks the floor, and carefully steps over the suspicious patch.)
Figure: Why couldn't she have wanted me to break into a nice, safe
bank, or the Imperial Palace, or something easy...(freezes)...ohshit.
(The figure drops into a forward roll just as a pendulum blade
swings down from the ceiling. The roll carries her just ahead of
the sharpened spikes that sprout from the floor. She dives through
the door to the kitchen just as a portion of the ceiling opens,
releasing a stream of boiling oil. The figure stands, brushes
herself off, and closes the door. We hear a thump, and two spears
drive themselves into the other side of the door.)
Figure: That's it. I am definitely asking for more money.
(She turns towards the rest of the room. It's the kitchen, filled
with the usual stoves, spice jars, etc. Shampoo is lying on a cot in
the middle of the room, asleep. A book with a pink cover lies
beside her; she appears to have fallen asleep reading it. The figure
picks it up.)
Figure: 'How To Catch Your Man'...hmm...(opens book)...'Chapter One,
Hogtying and the importance of square knots'...(sets book back
down) I should have guessed.
(The figure walks across the room towards the spice racks, and
pulls out a sack. Taking a couple of jars at random, she begins to
toss them in the bag. After about half the jars have been taken,
she starts to rummage through drawers.)
Shampoo: (rolls over, mumbles) Yes, oh yes, Mousse...
Figure: Huh? (facefaults, then claps hand over mouth)
Shampoo: ....Yes, you can come to me and Ranma's wedding. You
stop chasing me? You throw yourself in volcano? (sighs with
pleasure) Well, okay...
Figure: Oh.
(She finds something in one of the drawers, and pulls it out. It
appears to be a tome of some sort, bound in leather and inlayed
with metal.)
Figure: 'Cooking Secrets of the Joketsuzoku, 5th Edition' -
Jackpot! Now to get out...
(Shampoo stirs, rolling over on the cot. The figure freezes)
Shampoo: No, Ranma...move the cucumbers to left, *sigh*, the
hedgehog should go there...
Figure: Urk. Yes, I am definitely gonna ask for more money.
(The figure carefully drops a single black rose petal on the floor,
and exits through the rear door, ducking the blizzard of poisoned
darts that fly from the doorframe.)
Shampoo: ...Ukyo is killed by exploding grill? Akane too? (she
gives a sigh of contentment, and rolls over again.)
(Outside, we see the figure slip into the Tendo Dojo.)
* * * * *
(Morning in the Dojo. In the dining room, Mr. Tendo and Kasumi are
eating breakfast. Soun is in his normal feeding frenzy, while
Kasumi is her typical calm, content self. After a while, Soun
seems to notice that the table isn't as full as it normally is.)
Soun: (between mouthfuls) Ah, Kasumi, where is everyone? They'll
miss breakfast, and I'll have to finish it by myself. (His eyes light
up) After all, no point in letting good food go to waste...
Kasumi: Mr. Saotome and Ranma are in the garden, practicing. (A
loud splash comes from outside) I don't know where Nabiki and
Akane could be. Maybe they decided to sleep late.
(Genma-panda comes flying through a wall, landing in the middle
of the table. Food flies everywhere.)
Kasumi: (splattered with food, but not seeming to notice) Good
Morning, Mr. Saotome. I'm afraid breakfast is over, but I can heat
you up some leftovers if you're hungry.
Soun: (also splattered, crying his eyes out) Yes, *sob* please do
us the honor, *sob* OF DESTROYING AND EATING EVERYTHING IN
THE HOUSE!!!!(cries some more)
Genma: (via sign) 'sorry.'
(The scene switches to the dojo practice hall. The lights are off,
flooding the room in shadows. The figure stands in the middle of
the hall, speaking to someone hidden in a shadowy corner.)
Figure: I did it. (pulls out bag) I got half the old hag's spices, and a
book of recipes to boot.
Figure 2: (also in whisper) Good job! Here, give them to me.
Figure: Uh, uh, uh. The money, first. (pulls off mask, revealing
herself as Nabiki) I believe we agreed on 6000 yen?
Figure 2: (angrily) 6000 yen? You said 3000!
Nabiki: What can I say? The old crone held out for a lot.
Figure 2: Well, okay. I still don't know how you got Cologne to sell
you them.
Nabiki: I'm a master of persuasion. Now, about the yen?
Figure 2: Oh, (digs out a purse, and takes out a number of bills)
Here you are. (Nabiki reaches for the yen, Figure 2 pulls back the
money) The bag?
Nabiki: Of course.
(They make the tradeoff.)
Nabiki: There. Enjoy. Although what use you could have for them is
beyond me...
Figure 2: (grimly) This, Nabiki, is going to show Ranma once and
for all.
Nabiki: If you say so. C'mon, let's go before they miss us at
breakfast.
(Nabiki leaves. Figure 2 hesitates for a moment, then hides the
bag behind a stack of practice mats and follows her. As Figure 2
moves out of the shadows, we see her face. It is....Akane?)
* * * * *
(The dining room. The hole in the wall has been covered by nailed
boards. Genma-Panda and Soun are playing their usual Shogi game.
Both of them are still a mess. Kasumi and Ranma-chan are
attempting to clean up the mess. Although Kasumi seems to be
enjoying herself [The Kasumi Housework Hum pervades the air],
Ranma is muttering under her breath and not being very effective.)
Ranma: (talking to herself) So I threw him through the wall. Big
deal. It's not like he _had_ to land in the food. I mean, he could
have, uh, twisted in midair, or, or....well, why should I be cleaning
this mess up when he was the one who caused it?
(Akane and Nabiki enter. They stare at the room in silence.)
Kasumi: Good morning, you two! My, you certainly slept in late
today. I'm afraid breakfast is over.
Ranma: Over the walls, the ceiling, my old man...
(Soun bursts out crying yet again at this reminder.)
Genma: (via sign) 'Show respect'
Akane: That's...That's no problem, Kasumi. I'll just fix me and
Nabiki something.
Nabiki: Will you look at the time! I have a deal going down in just
five minutes, lost track of time, no time to eat, silly me, gotta
run, bye! (She darts out the door.)
Akane: Well, I'll just fix myself something, then. Or is anyone else
hungry?
Everyone: NO!!!
Akane: (beginning to get upset) Well, more for me then!
(She starts to stride off towards the kitchen. Ranma trails along
behind her. She is rummaging through the pots and pans when
Ranma taps her on the shoulder.)
Akane:What? Do you want something after all?
Ranma: (seriously) Akane...I know we fight a lot, and, well, I know
I always say I could never like such a violent, macho girl, which
is true and all, but....
Akane: But?
Ranma: ...But I guess I do care a little about you (Akane looks
touched), even if you are uncute, and, well, that's why I'm going to
ask you...
Akane: (In soft, hopeful voice) Ask me what, Ranma?
(Their eyes meet)
Ranma: Akane...
Akane: Yes?
Ranma: Please don't make yourself breakfast. You have your whole
life ahead of you, don't throw it away like this!
(In the dining room, Soun, Genma, and Kasumi watch as Ranma
comes flying through the wall, a dented pan covering his head)
Akane: (through the new hole) RANMA NO BAKA! Hmph.
Kasumi: I'll go get the lumber.
Soun: Saotome! Your son persists in driving a wedge between
himself and my daughter! And he is very hard on the house! Do you
know what our insurance rates would be like if it weren't for
Nabiki? (Lifts off the pan and puts his face next to Ranma's.) DO
YOU???
Ranma: (raises his head, dazed) Kawaikunee..(slumps back down,
unconscious)
(Soun bursts into tears. Genma drapes a comforting arm around
his shoulders)
Genma: (via sign) 'Come, come. Let's go and get some sake.'
(Soun, still crying, nods. The two of them leave)
Kasumi: Be home in time for lunch!
(Scene changes. Akane is sitting on the roof, alone. She seems
upset.)
Akane: Baka. Why can't he just be nice to me once in a while? He
knows how hard I try to cook, but he just keeps insulting, and,
and,....why can't he just try my food?
(flashback showing Akane's food doing assorted threatening
things.)
Akane: Well, maybe I do need some help with my cooking - but
that's why I had Nabiki get those spices and the cookbook!
Tonight, I'll make them all a meal fit for an emperor!
(Akane stands. The sky goes dark, and lightning flashes.)
Akane: Ranma, you WILL eat my cooking, and LIKE it!
(Thunder crashes)
Voice from next door: Will you hold it down!
(Sky returns to normal)
Akane: Sorry.
(Scene changes to dining room. Kasumi has boarded up the second
hole, and is sweeping the floor. Ranma is still lying where she
fell.)
Ranma: Uhnnn...(her eyes flick open)...that Tomboy. Try to show a
little concern, and look where it gets you. Kasumi, is it still
Saturday?
(Kasumi picks up a kettle of hot water and pours a bit on him.)
Kasumi: Yes. You and Akane really should find a less expensive
way to fight, you know. It's really hard on the dojo.
Ranma: (Winces) Hard on the dojo? What about me?
Kasumi: Well, you martial artists are tough sorts. (Ranma nods,
Kasumi smiles inwardly) You can handle a little pain, right?
Ranma: (laughs) Of course. I'm not afraid of a little discomfort. I
can take anything Akane dishes out!
Kasumi: The dojo, on the other hand, can't. Father has been crying
more then his normal four times a day, and Nabiki is beginning to
run out of dodges to pull on the insurance people. If this keeps up,
we might be in real financial trouble.
Ranma: (concerned) Gee, is there any way I could help? I mean, I
don't want you guys to go broke or anything.
Kasumi: You can try to avoid upsetting Akane, at least while
you're in the house.
Ranma: Well - I'll try. She flies off the handle at the slightest
things, though. And sometimes, just when I'm trying to tell her
how I really feel...(realizes what he is saying)...not that I actually
feel anything for her. Anyway, she takes things in the wrong
context, or I slip, and then out comes the mallet.
Kasumi: Just try. Don't say things that you know she's sensitive
about...
(P-Chan comes wandering in)
Kasumi: Like P-Chan, for example. Akane loves him, you know...
Ranma: (glares at P-Chan, who is looking smug) Yeah, although
why she puts up with the squat little pile of...
Kasumi: You see? That's just the sort of thing she'd get upset at,
and the kind of thing you have to control. For example, I never
mention my intense desire to carve the little sucker up and serve
him in a nice orange sauce, which I'll probably do one of these
days, because I know it would upset Akane.
(Ranma and P-Chan stare at Kasumi in horror)
P-Chan: Bhweeeeeeee! Bhweeeeee! (scampers out the door as fast
as his legs can take him.)
Kasumi: And speaking of food, you need to have a bit more respect
for how hard Akane tries to make something you'd like. It really
hurts her feelings when you run off screaming after she tries to
cook something.
Ranma: But what else can I do? I can't eat her cooking!
Kasumi: I thought you said you could take anything Akane could
dish out? You aren't afraid, are you?
Ranma: (Indignantly) I'm not afraid of anything! It's just that,
well....Okay. You're right. I will try her food the next time she
asks.
(Scene shifts to the front of the dojo. Genma-Panda and Soun are
trying to open the front door. Both of them are very, very drunk.)
Soun: Thish...Thish is ridiulu....ridaku...shtupid. I'm the man of thish
dojo, an I want in!
(He tries to open the door again, not noticing that he is pulling in
the wrong direction)
Genma: (via sign) 'hic'
(The door is opened from the inside by Akane.)
Akane: DADDY! Mr. Saotome! What have you been doing!
Soun: WE...(sways, Genma steadies him)..we have been bonding,
shee...
Akane: I see. (Gets a crafty look) Daddy, can I make dinner
tonight?
Soun: Of coursh you can, my darling girl. (sways into the house)
Genma: (via sign) 'Tendo! Think what you just said! TENDO!'
(Waving his arms, Genma frantically rushes after Soun. Akane
smiles evilly, and closes the door.)
* * * * *
(The Tendo bathroom. P-Chan is desperately trying to manipulate
the hot water tap on the sink. Ranma walks in. On hearing the door
open, P-Chan squeals and dives for cover.)
Ranma: Take it easy, Ryoga. It's just me.
P-Chan: (Gestures at sink) Bwee!
Ranma: Okay, okay. Hold your horses.
(Pours a cup of hot water, and splashes P-Chan with it.)
Ryoga: OW! Hot water, not scalding water!
Ranma: Huh. There's gratitude for you. Y'know, I could have just
left you.
Ryoga: Hm. Where's Akane? I'd like to see her.
Ranma: Yeah, I bet you would. (smirks) Wait right here, I'll go and
get her.
Ryoga: (Realizing his current state of undress) Uh, no..that's okay,
Ranma, uh, you don't happen to have any spare clothes, do you?
Ranma: Bye, Ryoga. (leaves)
Ryoga: *gulp*
(He looks around for something to wear. Unfortunately, Kasumi is
doing laundry, and the towels are absent. One solitary washcloth
is all that remains.)
Ryoga: Better than nothing, I suppose. My pack is in the garden,
under a bush - I should be able to make it there.
(Using the washcloth to cover his, uh, vital area, Ryoga opens the
window and jumps out. We hear a crash and two screams.)
(The scene changes to the dining area. Akane and Kasumi are
talking. Ranma enters.)
Kasumi: Are you sure about this, Akane? You know I don't mind
cooking.
Akane: Yes, I'm sure.
Kasumi: But what about father? You know how he...
Akane: Father has given his permission.
Kasumi: (startled) He did? Okay, then. You can cook dinner.
Ranma: (horrified) You're gonna cook tonight?
Akane: (with level stare) Yes. And?
Ranma: (remembering his talk with Kasumi) That's, uh.....that's
fine. Great.
Akane: Then you'll eat it?
(Ranma begins to sweat, then visibly controls himself)
Ranma: Sure. It'll be a nice, uh, change.
Akane: (a bit flustered) Why, that's...that's very gracious of you,
Ranma. I'll put some extra effort into it.
(She darts off for the kitchen)
Kasumi: That was very good of you, Ranma.
Ranma: Maybe, but why do I feel like I've just done something
horrible?
(Soun and Genma, who is back to human, rush into the room)
Soun: Where is Akane? I've got to tell her that I've changed my
mind about...
Kasumi: Too late, father. She's already started.
Soun: What have I done? In my drunken stupor, I have brought
death upon this house!
Kasumi: Now daddy, it's not that bad.
Soun: Saotomes, for the sake of your lives flee! Honor demands
that we face this horror, but there is no need for you to suffer as
well!
Genma: My thoughts exactly. Come on, Ranma, let's get going...
Ranma: I can't. I...I promised Akane I'd eat dinner.
Genma: Son...Maybe I've been too hard on you. I know your life is
rough, but there's no need to do this! You have your whole life
ahead of you!
(Ranma pictures Akane's face when she comes out to serve dinner
and finds him gone.)
Ranma: I have to.
(Happosai bursts in from outside.)
Happosai: Aagh! Horrible! Hideous! And to happen to me, a
defenseless old man!
Genma: What is it, master?
Happosai: I've been attacked by a pervert!
(silence)
Ranma: Don't you have things backwards?
Happosai: He, he jumped on me! Naked and screaming, from above!
Ranma: (looking down at Happosai pointedly) It would be hard to
do it from any other direction.
Happosai: It was horrible! I had to beat him off! I feel unclean!
Kasumi: Did you get a good look at him? (Everyone stares at her.) I
mean, could you identify him?
Happosai: No...I was too flustered, and it was dark...but he dropped
this. (Holds up the washcloth)
Kasumi: That looks like...
(Ryoga enters, clothed)
Ryoga: Er, hi...
Kasumi: Oh, hello Ryoga! Master Happosai here was attacked!
Ryoga: (Weakly) Really?
(Ranma looks suspiciously at Ryoga)
Ryoga: I hope I'm not intruding.
Ranma: (with evil grin) No, never! As a matter of fact, would you
care to stay for dinner?
Ryoga: D-dinner?
Ranma: Yup. It'll make Akane very happy...
(Ryoga is wary, but doesn't see the trap)
Ryoga: In that case, I accept. By the way, where is Akane?
Ranma: (with wide, lazy grin) She's in the kitchen. Fixing dinner.
(Zoom out on the Dojo as Ryoga's scream fills the air.)
(A dark and stormy night. We zoom in on the dojo. Bach's Toccata,
the organ bit that gets played in b-horror movies, is heard. The
zoom enters the kitchen, as the music swells. Akane is cooking.
About seven different pots, cauldrons, crock-pots, etc. are
bubbling and fuming. Jars and vials are spread accross the room.
Akane is chopping vegetables.)
Akane: Oh, this meal will be the best they'll have ever eaten!
(She begins to sing her Happy Cooking Song, which clashes
horribly with the Toccata. Behind her, unseen, a tentacle rises out
of a pot and reaches for her. A crab-like claw from the crock-pot
intercepts it, and the two begin to fight.)
Crock-Pot: (in croaking, distorted tone) Ia Cthulhu R'lyeh....
(Eventually, the tentacle-thing is dragged into the crock-pot.
Hideous crunching noises are heard, and then a faint burp. Akane,
of course, hasn't noticed any of this.)
Akane: (consulting book) Let's see: Half a teaspoon of Varaiyah
Tea. Okay.
(She takes a cannister, goes over to a pot, and dumps the whole
thing in.)
Akane: I hope that was enough.
(Scene changes to the dining hall. Genma, Soun, Nabiki, Ranma,
Kasumi, and Ryoga are staring at the kitchen door anxiously. A red
glow is coming from under the door.)
Genma: Do you think she's all right?
Kasumi: I'm sure she is. (turns to Ryoga) Can I get you anything,
Ryoga?
(Ryoga backs away from her, a look of fear in his eyes.)
Ryoga: That's okay, Kasumi...just stay back...
Soun: I can't stand this! Ranma, go and check on her.
Ranma: (gulps) Okay...
(He walks over to the red-glowing door, and knocks)
Ranma: Uh, hello? Akane?
(Akane opens the door. The kitchen is obscured by fog and glaring
red light. In the background, we hear chittering and cackling.)
Ranma: Akane? Are....is everything okay in there?
Akane: Yup. No problem. Dinner will be ready in about half an hour,
I just have to finish the teriyaki chicken...
Demonic Voice from Kitchen: THERE IS NO TERIYAKI, ONLY ZUUL!
Akane: Whoops! Have to get back to work! (closes door)
(Ranma shakes his head, and goes back to the others. About an
hour passes, and Akane finally emerges bearing a HUGE platter.
She walks over to the table, where everyone is seated, and sets it
down.)
Akane: Enjoy, everyone!
(She whips the lid off with a flourish. The platter is empty.
Facefaults all around.)
Akane: As you can see, I made..(Notices empty platter)...MY DINNER!
WHERE IS IT?
(As everyone else looks puzzled and relieved, the camera zooms in
on the open kitchen door. We see a shadowy blob move out of sight.
Camera fades.)
END OF EPISODE ONE
Next - EPISODE TWO - Doc Frankenstein, eat your heart out.