Here we go again....
Because I'm paranoid, I remind all potential C&Cers - REPLY-TO is now set
to DEV/NULL! If you don't actively change it to the ML, I'll never get it.
Which would be a Bad Thing.
Enjoy, C&C, etc.
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| `--. / /_ .--` '-. =======
`---. |/ ) | .-. ._ \ .---.
.---' / /-. `-. `-' | `' (_.-. | The Nameless Sequel
`----'`-' `---'`---' .'.'
.'.'_
(_____)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
---,-'-{@ The Nameless Sequel was composed by Mike Loader. @}-'-,---
Characters and Backstory are the products and property of the illustrious
Rumiko Takahashi (as if you didn't know). Ranma=Her's, okay? Good.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
EPISODE 2 - Opportunity Breaks Down The Door.
(Scene opens on a small cafe in Nerima. Kuno is sitting in a booth,
sipping tea and radiating a calm impatience. Nabiki enters and
sits down across from him.)
Nabiki: Hi.
Kuno: Good afternoon.
(They look at each other for a second.)
Nabiki: (thinking) <Hey, he's actually pretty cute...wonder why I
haven't ever seen him as something more than a ready market?>
Kuno: (thinking) <Hmm. She is almost as lovely and fire-spirited
as her sister or the Pig-Tailed Girl...why have I not seen in her a
potential love before?>
Nabiki: So how's tricks, Kuno-baby?
Kuno: I am well. And how can you serve me today?
Nabiki: (thinking) <Oh, that's right. It's because he's a pompous
egotistical twit who thinks he's living in the 12th century.>
Kuno: (thinking) <Ah yes. It is because she is an impertinent,
honorless blackmailer, with no respect for tradition or proper
behavior.>
Nabiki: Photos, Kuno. Photos. Good ones. Only 5000 yen apiece, too.
Kuno: An outrageous sum. I shall not pay it.
(Nabiki leans over the table and whispers something in his ear.
Kuno's eyes go wide.)
Kuno: (stammering) Pink ones?
(Nabiki nods. Kuno, with an effort, regains control of himself.)
Kuno: Indeed. Very well, I suppose your price is acceptable.
Nabiki: (smirking) I thought so. I think I'll have the beefbowl.
You'll pay for it, of course.
Kuno: (wincing) Of course.
Nabiki: (thinking) <Lord, what a sap.>
Kuno: (thinking) <How I despise her!>
(Camera pans to the booth behind them. Ranma-chan, in sunglasses
and a large-brimmed, tiger-striped hat, is looking rather
annoyed.)
Ranma: (muttering) I thought so. Time for a friendly little chat
with Nabiki.
(Scene changes to Ucchan's. The restaurant is full of customers,
but Ukyo seems less than happy. In fact, she seems downright
irritated.)
Ukyo (thinking) <I can't believe it. Everyone I've called has turned
me down. Well, except for Tsung; he just sent kidnappers. Date
yes, concubine no. It's not like I'm unattractive, or unpleasant..
..what is the problem here?> (aloud) Where on earth am I going to
find a date before Thursday?
Voice: Um...hello? You're looking for a date?
(Ukyo turns to look at the owner of the voice, a lanky, rather
ordinary looking boy with a vaguely hopeful look on his face.)
Ukyo: Um...yes, I am. And you are?
Saburo: (bowing slightly) Saburo Natami. I go to Furinkan high.
Ukyo: (looking thoughtful) You look familiar...have we met before?
Saburo: Um, yes. I asked you once if you wanted to go get a soda....
Ukyo: (interested) What did I say?
Saburo: You, uh, yelled something about poodles and "Ranchan",
and then hit me repeatedly with your spatula.
Ukyo: (embarrassed) Oh. Sorry. You didn't catch me on one of my
better days. Did I hurt you?
Saburo: (cheerfully) Mild concussion. Quite all right. I'm used to it.
Ukyo: Used to it?
Saburo: (wincing) I share a class with Akane Tendo, you see...
Ukyo: My sympathies. That must be painful.
Saburo: Oh, it's gotten much better since Ranma Saotome came.
She hardly ever attacks anyone but him and Kuno-sempai anymore.
Ukyo: So I hear. (thinks) <He seems nice enough...> (aloud) So you'd
still be interested in a date together?
Saburo: (startled) Yeah, of course...
Ukyo: (treating him to a blinding smile) Good. When's a good time
for you?
Saburo: Well, 1996 is free...
Ukyo: Okay. Pick me up at 7 on Wednesday.
Saburo: Okay, um...
Another Customer: Service, please!
Ukyo: Business calls! See you Wednesday.
(She darts off. Saburo stammers and nods, and walks out in a
daze.)
Saburo: I can't believe it! Ukyo Kuonji, going out with me! Me! This
is wonderful! I'll take her to....
(He pauses in horror as a thought strikes him.)
Saburo: GAH! I have no money! How am I going to be able to take
her anywhere? This is a nightmare! (he thinks) Loan from Nabiki?
No way. Ask parents? They'll say no. Get a job? Hmm...well,
desperate times call for desperate measures.
(Scene changes to the outside of the cafe. Nabiki is walking out, a
contented look on her face. Ranma, in male form and sans hat and
glasses, emerges behind her, and taps her on the shoulder.)
Nabiki: (turning) Wha? Oh, hi Ranma. What's up?
Ranma: Nabiki, I saw those pictures you just sold Kuno. And unless
you can tell me that there's another good-looking redhead with a
great chest that you're able to get photos of, I'm afraid I might
hafta do something we'll both regret.
Nabiki: (grinning) What, to little old me? I doubt it. Anyway, I'm
not going to be selling any more barely-clothed photos of you.
Ranma: (suspiciously) Huh? And why is that? Somehow I doubt
you're stopping out of concern for my feelings...
Nabiki: I'm going to be selling him all-nude photos.
Ranma: Ah. I see. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't put you
in the hospital.
Nabiki: (disgustedly) Oh, they won't really be of you.
(Ranma gives her a blank look. Nabiki rolls her eyes and sighs.)
Nabiki: (patiently) Kuno has the intelligence of a lobotomized
bullfrog. I'll buy a cheap men's magazine, cut out the pictures,
paste them inside Polaroid frames, and sell 'em. As long as the
head happens to be conveniently outside of the picture, he'll
never know the difference.
Ranma: And those ones you just sold?
Nabiki: Oh, those were of you. I think I did a pretty good job of it,
considering the cooperation I didn't get from my subject.
Ranma: (angrily) You've got some nerve, you heartless...
Nabiki: (breaking in) Me? Listen, Ranma. I work my butt off, and I
hardly ever see a penny of it. When was the last time you saw me
buy something, or go out to the movies? All the cash goes into the
dojo. We're not in good shape at the moment, and a lot of it's your
fault.
Ranma: Huh? I've been trying to keep Akane from busting holes in
the place...
Nabiki: (wincing) ...which is no easy task, I know. But it's more
than that. You eat enough for three normal people, and you don't
bring in any money. What you do bring in is a steady stream of
people who want to either kill or marry you, and kidnap us. It's
not good on father. He's barely able to function at the moment, let
alone run a business that was never very successful to begin with.
Ranma: Kasumi was saying something about how you guys might
have money problems....
Nabiki: Kasumi, as always, was looking at the world through a
rose-colored haze. We're in trouble, Ranma. I can't make ends
meet much longer.
Ranma: (concerned) Is there anything I can do? I mean, to help
with the money?
Nabiki: Yes. Get a part-time job of some sort, one that pays well.
I'm sure that the market is full of jobs that require ridiculous
feats of strength and speed. And since most of them are high-risk,
you should make a bundle. Give most of it to us, keep a bit for
yourself, and things will be a lot better.
Ranma: Okay, I can do that...anything else?
Nabiki: Well, there still is the food situation...(snaps her fingers)
waitaminute! Aren't you able to freeload off Ukyo Kuonji?
Ranma: (embarrassed) Well, I wouldn't exactly call it
"freeloading", but...
Nabiki: Oh, call it whatever you want. I want you to start eating
there more. Three or four times a day, preferably.
(Ranma gives her a blank stare. Nabiki sighs.)
Nabiki: The more you eat there, the less you eat at the dojo. Which
means we spend less on food, which means we save money, which
means we don't go broke. Follow?
Ranma: Huh. I don't know if that's a good idea, Nabiki...if Akane
finds out I'm spending a lotta time at Ucchan's, she'll kill me and
tear down the dojo in the process.
Nabiki: (smoothly) Let me handle Akane. You just worry about
finding work. I hear that they're looking for stuntmen, and a
building project needs someone to place explosives.....do you have
life insurance?
Ranma: What? No....
Nabiki: I'll help you fill out the forms tomorrow, with Akane and I
acting as the beneficiaries. Thanks a lot, Ranma. Bye!
(She skips off. Ranma stands there for a second, looking rather
dazed.)
Ranma: I sure told her off...
(Scene changes to Dr. Hasigawa's office. Soun is lying on the
couch, while Genma sits in a chair and munches from a bowl of
candy on a table. Hasigawa sits behind his desk, taking notes.)
Hasigawa: So, how long have you had these feelings of impending
doom?
Soun: Oh, ever since my wife....(breaks into tears)
(Hasigawa waits for the crying fit to pass, handing him a hanky
with a practiced air. Soun gratefully accepts, and becomes verbal
again a few minutes later.)
Hasigawa: Let's start a bit more slowly. Do you have any hobbies?
Soun: Oh, yes! I play shogi with Saotome here every evening. (he
beams happily) We've known each other for quite a while, he and I.
Why, his son is engaged to marry my daughter, Akane....
(Another crying spell follows. Hasigawa turns to Genma, who is
finishing off the last of the candy.)
Hasigawa: (softly) Is he always this bad?
Genma: (around a mouthful of candy) Fughdf gotten much murghf in
the past fgds days...
Hasigawa: Beg pardon?
Genma: (swallowing) It hasn't been all that bad until recently.
Hasigawa: You've been keeping up a normal reaction to him, ja?
You haven't been avoiding him?
Genma: Of course not. I win more games when he's like this!
(Soun finally regains his composure. Hasigawa looks kindly at
him.)
Hasigawa: We'll just talk for a while, I think. (he casts about for a
harmless topic) Um, what are you having for dinner?
Soun: Chicken...(crying fit)
Hasigawa: This is incredible. I've never seen anything like it
before! Do you know what this means?
Genma: A large bill?
Hasigawa: No! Well, actually yes, that too, but it also means an
essay in a major journal! Mr. Tendo, I want to start seeing you
three times a week. With any luck, I'll win an award of some
kind...oh yes, and maybe we can help you as well.
Soun: (tearfully) All right...
Hasigawa: (standing) Great! I'll see you the day after tomorrow,
same time. Okay?
Genma: I'll come with him.
Soun: Are you sure, Saotome?
Genma: (glancing at the candy bowl) Absolutely. Anything for a
friend.
Hasigawa: Excellent. (they shake hands) Now, don't do anything out
of the ordinary until we talk next. Just go home, relax, have a nice
family dinner. We don't want you to go completely psycho before I
get a chance to analyze you.
(Night. Scene changes to a drawing room in the Kuno Mansion,
where the two Kuno siblings are sitting in overstuffed chairs.
Kodachi, a pair of rather silly-looking reading glasses perched on
her nose, is grading what appears to be a test. Her brother, on the
other hand, is locked in permanent Oh-which-shall-I-date mode,
staring at the newly-purchased photos.)
Kuno: (declaiming) Ah, but they are both as splendid as the
morning dew upon any rose that does not have a blackish hue
(abominations, those) and are more gentle and warm than the life-
giving (if cancer-causing) rays of the noonday sun, which pales
before their admittedly painful but welcome attentions, which, of
course, when compared with the gentle music of the babbling
brook....
Kodachi: Shut up, babbling brook.
Kuno: (frowning) Your vulgarity grows daily, sister. Perhaps it
would be wise if you were to cease your associations with a
certain lower-class Chinese laborer, as her coarse breeding
seems to be rubbing off onto you.
Kodachi: (sweetly) Perhaps it would be wise for you to make up
your mind about which of those two tramps you seem infatuated
with you intend to marry.
Kuno: But how can I! for they are both as.....
Kodachi: ....attractive as the finest tinned cat food, I know. Spare
me the substandard poetry. But I wish you would hurry up and
marry one of them. It would make catching Ranma-sama that much
easier for me.
Kuno: And I, dear sister, would like nothing more than for you to,
ah, "catch" Saotome. Firstly, because that would free my two
loves from their foul enslavement. And secondly, because not even
I could come up with a more horrible punishment for him.
Kodachi: Hmm. Perhaps we have some common ground here.
Kuno: (shuddering) Perish the thought.
Kodachi: It is a distasteful notion, yes. But worth it, perhaps, if
we win our respective loves as a result.
Kuno: I assume you have a plan?
Kodachi: Of course.
Kuno: Is it sneaky, deceitful, and underhanded?
Kodachi: (frowning) Actually, it's cunning, resourceful, and
ingenious.
Kuno: (shrugging) I suspect that is much the same thing. What is it
this time?
(Kodachi pulls out a vial of something and hands it to him. Kuno
reads the label suspiciously.)
Kuno: (reading) "Standard Love Potion #23, industrial strength".
_This_ is your plan?
Kodachi: Simple, yes?
Kuno: Simpleminded is perhaps more accurate! How many times
has a love potion of some sort been employed to this end?
Kodachi: (thinking) I've done it about 34 times, Shampoo's tried it
about 28, and that Kuonji girl made some kind of Oyster
Okonomiyaki that left Ranma-sama sick for 3 days.
Kuno: It strikes me that this is not exactly an original idea. In
fact, the word "cliched" comes to mind.
Kodachi: (impatiently) True, but always before one of two things
has happened. Either blind luck fouled us up, or either Ranma-
sama or Akane managed to "cure" the other. If we get them both
at once, we'll have done it.
Kuno: And blind luck?
Kodachi: We'll simply arraign it so that nothing can go wrong.
After all, we have to get lucky one of these days...
Kuno: Perhaps.....yes, maybe this time it will work. But which to
choose?
Kodachi: (firmly) Akane. She's the main obstacle to Ranma. Pick
Akane, brother dear.
Kuno: Very well. (looks dramatic) But fear not, oh pigtailed one!
You shall be mine as well! (stops suddenly and blinks) Ah, Sister?
Kodachi: Yes, Brother dearest?
Kuno: What is that piece of paper you are marking?
Kodachi: This? Oh, it's just Shampoo's latest Japanese test. (she
adjusts the reading glasses and leans over it) She really has been
improving, you know...a few more weeks and she'll have perfect
diction. (she sighs) Almost a pity, me marrying Ranma-sama...I
suppose she'll probably have to try and kill me...
(Kuno brightens noticeably.)
Kuno: (casually) She, um, is a good fighter?
Kodachi: Very. Superb, as a matter of fact?
Kuno: And as devious as yourself?
Kodachi: In her own way, yes...Brother dear, why are you cackling?
Kuno: (innocent look) Oh, merely, ah, remembering, uh, a jest.
Kodachi: (darkly) Right.
(Scene changes to the front porch of the dojo. Kasumi and Akane
are outside; Kasumi sweeping, and Akane looking grumpy.)
Kasumi: (cheerfully) Now Akane, I'm sure it's nothing. Maybe he
had somewhere to go...
Akane: Of course he had somewhere to go, he left, didn't he? But
he left without breakfast, and that's not like him. He's up to
something.
Kasumi: (frowning) No breakfast? Oh dear. Growing boys need
their energy.
(Suddenly Shampoo and her bike fall from apparently nowhere onto
the porch.)
Shampoo: Nihao!
Kasumi: Good morning!
Akane: Wonderful.
Shampoo: (squinting) Something wrong, Akane? You look a bit
under the weather.
Akane: No, I'm...(she stops suddenly)....okay, who are you really?
Twin sister? Mind-possessing entity? Someone who fell in Spring
of Drowned Amazon Bimbo? Shapechanging Alien?
Kasumi: Alien? Oh dear. (peering curiously at Shampoo) Is that
you, Um-Gonxyt?
Shampoo: It's me. Shampoo.
Akane: Nice try, but no. Shampoo talks like a TV Chinese person,
with lots of "Me not know"s and "Too-too good"s. Your Japanese,
on the other hand, is better than Ranma's. Not that that's saying
much...
Shampoo: (shrugging) I've been taking lessons.
Akane: (skeptical) For how long?
Shampoo: I started yesterday.
Akane: (snorts) Yeah. And you expect me to believe you've
improved this much in a day? How dumb do you think I am?
Shampoo: Very. But, to answer your question, I had a good teacher.
Very (she shudders) motivating. Anyway, where's Ranma?
Akane: Why should I tell you?
Shampoo: Come on, I'm not an alien or an evil spirit....
Akane: If you were, I'd be happy to tell you. But since you're really
Shampoo, forget it.
Shampoo: (blue aura on) If you going to be rude about it, me beat...I
mean, I'll beat it out of you!
Akane: (aura'd) Try it, you empty-headed....
Kasumi: (interrupting) Would anyone like some cookies?
(The two combatants freeze. Kasumi just stands there, expectant
smile on her face. Their faces go a little red, and they relax.)
Shampoo: Yes, please, Kasumi-san. Thank you.
Akane: Um, sure Kasumi.
Kasumi: (heading into house) I'll just be a minute. You two go on
with what you were doing, now...
(Akane and Shampoo study each other warily, unconsciously
circling each other.)
Shampoo: I know now why you've been able to hold onto Ranma for
so long. He thought I was stupid, because I spoke funny. But
now...now you'll lose him..
Akane: Like hell I will.
Shampoo: I thought you don't love him?
Akane: (uncertainly) I don't...he's...I mean...baka....
Shampoo: I'm supposed to be the one with the language
impediment, Akane. If you don't love him, why not let me have
him? If you don't like him, why not let me take him back to China?
Akane: NO! He's mine! (she falters) That is...
(Kasumi emerges from the kitchen, a plate of cookies in hand.)
Kasumi: (brightly) Here you go! And I've got ham sandwiches in the
fridge if either of you are still hungry.
Shampoo: (taking some) Thank you. (she puts them in a pocket)
Make up your mind soon, Akane. He _will_ be my husband, and it
would be well if you were over him.
(She mounts her bike and rides off. Akane watches her go, a grim
look on her face.)
Kasumi: It's nice that you have such good friends, Akane.
Akane: (darkly) Yeah. Just lucky, I guess.
(Scene changes to a cramped office. A athletic-looking man, clad
in some sort of uniform, sits behind a desk going over papers. The
nameplate lying half-buried under papers identifies him as "Chief
Matome Sugita". A knock is heard on the door.)
Sugita: (loudly) Come in!
(Saburo enters hesitantly, his perpetual vaguely-hopeful
expression firmly in place.)
Saburo: Um...I heard you were hiring?
Sugita: Yes, yes we are. You actually interested?
Saburo: Yes, if the pay's what your ad said it was...
Sugita: (smiling) Oh yes. Yes, the pay is quite generous, and you
even get extra if you incur any serious injury in the line of duty.
Saburo: (laughing uneasily) Not that that ever happens....
Sugita: (under his breath) ..more than once a week, no...
Saburo: Come again?
Sugita: No, of course not. (looks serious) Now, of course, I have to
give you the mandatory Civil Service Exam. Are you ready?
Saburo: (drawing himself up) Yes sir!
(Sugita picks up a badly rumpled card and begins to read from it.)
Sugita: Name?
Saburo: Saburo Natami.
Sugita: Age?
Saburo: 17.
Sugita: Ever been arrested on a charge higher than manslaughter?
Saburo: (blinks) No...
Sugita: What's 2 plus 3?
Saburo: (looking puzzled) Five. Um, what...?
Sugita: (loudly) Congratulations, you have passed the rigorous
Civil Service Exam. Still want the job?
Saburo: Well, yes.
Sugita: It's yours. You are now Animal Control Officer Saburo
Natami (Third Class), with all the duties and privileges that
accompany the title.
(He snaps to attention and salutes. Saburo hesitantly returns it.)
Sugita: As we are a little shorthanded at this time, due to
circumstances that I won't go into at the moment, you'll skip the
normal period of training and go right into the field. Here is your
uniform.
(He picks up a bundle of bluish clothing and hands it to Saburo,
who eyes it dubiously.)
Saburo: Uh, sir? What are these reddish stains? The ones around
the jagged rips?
Sugita: Oh, um, not sure. It belonged to the last fellow we had,
godresthissoul. He, uh, quit.
Saburo: Ah. What do my duties consist of, by the way?
Sugita: (beaming) You're assigned to one of our mobile response
units. You can drive, yes?
Saburo: Yes, I can...
Sugita: Good. The other fellow can't, you see...
Saburo: What? Why not?
Sugita: (shrugs) Hasn't learned how yet, I guess. Not sure, really, I
just hired him too.
Saburo: Um, sir, wouldn't it be better to assign us rookies to work
with an experienced officer?
Sugita: Normally we would, but we're a bit shorthanded.
Saburo: Okay...When do I meet him?
Sugita: You and Officer Saotome start tomorrow.
(Saburo drops the uniform and yelps.)
Saburo: SAOTOME? Not Ranma Saotome, surely....
Sugita: (puzzled) Yes..
Saburo: (groaning) Great. I'm a dead man. (looks up appealingly)
Isn't there anyone else you could assign me to?
Sugita: We're...
Saburo: (resignedly) ...a bit shorthanded, right.
Sugita: (scowling) Do you two not get along, or something?
Because if you do, it had better not interfere with your work.
Saburo: (hastily) Oh, we get along fine. I'm just not wild about
becoming collateral damage.
Sugita: (smiling evilly) Oh, you're in for that anyway. Report here
tomorrow at 8 AM sharp, Officer Natami.
Saburo: (sighs) Yes sir.
(He leaves. Sugita chuckles, and returns to his desk.)
Sugita: (muttering) Well, might as well get it done ahead of time...
(He takes out a fresh sheet of paper and begins to write.)
Sugita: Let's see..."Dear Mr. and Mrs. Natami, it is my painful duty
to inform you of your son's demise in the line of duty on..." Hmm.
Better leave the date blank, he might last out tomorrow....
END OF EPISODE 2
Special Thanks to Travis Butler.
Fnord.