On Thu, 26 Sep 1996, Richard Lawson wrote:
: Zen wrote:
: >
: > Well, Zen read the new version, and here are Zen's comments!
Damn! Half of the messages in my FFML folder this orning are
replies to messages that I've never seen, as for example zen's
comments. :(
: > Zen liked the flashback scenes... That was a nice touch. The first one was
: > the best, though.
Except that it contained the most continuity, um, "weaknesses".
Not all errors, per se, but not smoothly fitting in, either.
The *story*, told in that flashback, is another thing. I liked it.
: > Okay... Zen still has trouble with this time frame. Just two DAYS back
: > from the hospital? They have fallen into the baby care routine *awfully*
: > fast - a couple of Zen's friends have just had babies, and Zen can assure
: > Richard-san that things do not become this routine this quickly. Suggest
: > two WEEKS maybe?
:
: Hmm. Maybe better.
Um, except that the postpartum depression bit doesn't work, then.
Better change the baby care to a less experienced version. It
wasn't *that* outstanding, anyway.
: > >"Oh, Ranma." Akane jumped into his arms. The force knocked them to the
: > >ground, Akane landing on top of Ranma. People in the crowd gave them a
: > >strange look.
: >
: > This for example, would have more impact with Ranma still a female.
You know, Zen, it's times like this that I'm reminded that you were
the one who wanted me to marry Ranko to Ukyou. :)
: > >Which, she was coming to realize, was probably a good thing. For the very
: > >first time, she entertained the thought that perhaps it was best that she
: > >and Ranma had never ended up together. He tended to act without thought,
: > >to think of himself before thinking of others. He ran from his problems
: > >sometimes, and ignored the consequences of his actions. He had hurt her
: > >terribly because of that. Akane was able to forgive him because she tended
: > >to do some of the same things.
: >
: > Anou... this needs work. Granted Ranma can be selfish, but that brush can
: > tar the entire cast, with the exceptions of Kasumi and Tofuu. Ranma may do
: > these things, but evidence suggests that he is getting better about it far
: > faster than any of the others, Ucchan included.
:
: :) When I wrote this paragraph and the one following it, I sat back,
: read it, and thought, "Zen's gonna hate me." ^_^ I actually wasn't
: completely satisfied with them, either, but I left them as they were
: hoping to draw comments like yours.
Well, is there a *law* that characters must recognize that their
judgement of other easily aplies to themselves?
: > >Opposites may attract, but attraction wears off after a while. Ukyo needed
: > >more than Ranma could give her. It was just possible that Ikaru could do
: > >what Ranma couldn't. And that was to give Ukyo stability and dependibility
: > >in a world that offered precious little of either.
: >
: > Zen feels that this is an error - Ranma and Ukyou are not opposites. Not
: > identical either, but not opposites. Ikaru-san is very different of
: > course, and that is, as you say, a good thing, but this seems harsh. Zen
: > feels that it would read more true to the characters if Ukyou looked at
: > Ikaru-san's character and found that he had "the soul of a warrior"
: > (honour, dependability, compassion, etc) even though he was not a martial
: > artist... The last line is fine, but the implication that Ranma is neither
: > stable nor dependable is iffy.
:
: Thanks for the viewpoint. I'm going to try to get a couple more
: viewpoints on this, than rework those two paragraphs. Your points are
: excellent, btw, although I have a slight reservation characterizing
: Ranma as "stable". :)
Hmmm, he does have a point. As it stands, the wording implies that
the instability is Ranma's fault, somehow. If you make clear that
it's the air of crazyness that just *follows* Ranma around, it
would be better.
Sebastian