From:        Richard Lawson, rlawson@informix.com

Zen wrote:

Well, Zen read the new version, and here are Zen's comments!

For those of you reading this who don't know, Zen was one of my
pre-prereaders.

I'd been wondering if it would be fair to comment myself in light of 
prereading status. I guess it's a moot point now. :)

Always, Zen.  Glad you take the time to write them!

Zen liked the flashback scenes... That was a nice touch.  The first one was
the best, though.

Erm. Well. On the one hand, the flashbacks were generally quite 
well-written, and gave a nice background for Ukyou. On the other hand, I 
think they broke up the flow of the original story. The story had a 
tighter focus before the flashbacks were inserted, IMHO.

The rewrite of the scene where Kasumi (and now Akane) visit Ukyou at the
second restaurant whilst looking for Ranma is a WORLD better.  Coupled with
the secret place flashback, Zen thinks that this was a very neat solution.

I admit I was bothered by Kasumi's role in the revised version; too much 
of a deus ex machina. The resolutions in the best flow out of the actions 
of the main characters; Ukyou's remembering the secret place fit that 
pretty well, but Kasumi's practically throwing Ikaru at her felt cheesy. 

Which brings up another point... when I read the original version, I 
thought bringing in Ikaru felt pretty contrived -- it practically 
screamed "I'm bringing in someone to pair off Ukyou." You've done more 
setup for this, but as I said, the Kasumi deus ex machina bothered me -- 
and it still feels manufactured.

Another admission -- reading this fic (and a long conversation I had with 
a friend the other night) has made me want to write another (yes, yet 
another) Ukyou fic, one that does *not* have the easy resolution of 
bringing in a love interest... *OR* the easy resolution of her committing 
suicide/dying/etc. Oh, and not have her just happily immersed in her 
business either. :) Loneliness is a real problem, and often a really 
tough one to deal with. I know. <wry g> But sometimes there is no easy 
solution, and the only thing you can do is learn to deal with it 
day-by-day until that someone special comes along. I've seen several fics 
that take one of the other ways out, but I don't think I've seen one 
where she has to deal with loneliness by learning to live with it.

My ideal resolution for this idea would be her going through a crisis of 
loneliness -- a failed relationship, or too close contact with a 
successful, happy relationship, or something like that -- and her coming 
to the conclusion that it hurts, and isn't going to magically get 
better... but that there are spots of light and happiness in life even 
without romance, it's still worth living, and tomorrow is another day -- 
who knows what will happen then?

No, this isn't autobiographical. Not at all. Really! <g> Oh, have the men 
in the white coats arrived yet? :)

Zen does not think that a six year old Ranma would use the word "cuddle"
and he is *certain* that an older one would not.  Suggest use "to be" and
refer to person as "comforting" perhaps?  Soothing, rather than the
abrasiveness that his father exhibits.

"Comforting" doesn't seem like a word that a six-year-old would use. 
How about, "hug"?  Or maybe, "I remember that I could sit on someone's
lap and they'd make me feel all better."  Any other thoughts?

'Hug' works well, I think.

Bravo for your defence of Kasumi as Belldandy's Earthly Avatar... Zen 

agrees!

:)  When I saw my first Ranma sub (I had always watched the dubs, which
I like a lot; my first sub was a year after watching Ranma dubs), and
Kasumi spoke, I sat bolt upright and said "Belldandy!".  To this day,
everytime Kasumi speaks in a sub, I think of Belldandy.  It's so
appropriate, too, since they have very much the same character.  I've
noticed that in many fanfics, Kasumi has a daughter called, "Bell-chan",
so I'm not alone in this.  :)

Kasumi as the earthly incarnation of niceness and gentle kindness I can 
handle. Kasumi as omnipotent deus ex machina -- especially when it's made 
semi-literal <g> -- is too much, I think. 

Opposites may attract, but attraction wears off after a while.  Ukyo needed
more than Ranma could give her.  It was just possible that Ikaru could do
what Ranma couldn't.  And that was to give Ukyo stability and dependibility
in a world that offered precious little of either.

Zen feels that this is an error - Ranma and Ukyou are not opposites.  Not
identical either, but not opposites.  Ikaru-san is very different of
course, and that is, as you say, a good thing, but this seems harsh.  Zen
feels that it would read more true to the characters if Ukyou looked at
Ikaru-san's character and found that he had "the soul of a warrior"
(honour, dependability, compassion, etc) even though he was not a martial
artist... The last line is fine, but the implication that Ranma is neither
stable nor dependable is iffy.

Thanks for the viewpoint.  I'm going to try to get a couple more
viewpoints on this, than rework those two paragraphs.  Your points are
excellent, btw, although I have a slight reservation characterizing
Ranma as "stable".  :)

I still think putting Ikaru in smacks too much of 'finding someone for 
Ukyou to love,' and as I said of the original, I'd probably be just as 
happy to leave him out of the ending altogether... however, you seem to 
have made him the purpose of the story. Oh, well. <wry g encore>



Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
 tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
 <http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
 Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)

...Cats are the proof of a higher purpose to the universe.