Well, keep up with all three Joneses.

Terry "The Human Mellotron" Marks
normal@grove.ufl.edu

[UF Computer Lab.  Terry at computer.  Misc people abound]
 
Terry: Can't stand this computer lab.  Nothing around here 
works.  Well, everything around here works, actually.  Kinda 
nice the way they let us use their computers for free, and so 
on.  But I still can't stand this place.
 
[several people start looking at him]
 
Terry: [shouted] Yes, I am crazy, and I've got a sign to prove 
it! [quietly] Now stop looking at me.
[thought] Mental note: Don't talk to yourself
 
[A shadowy figure approaches, dressed in a kendo outfit, and 
carrying a bokken.]
 
Figure: Prepare to meet your doom, Terrence!
 
Terry: They're serious about disc space quotas here, aren't 
they. 
 
Figure: Do not mock me!  I am feared and respected by all 
around me.  They call me the Blue Thunder.  
[lightning crashes in the computer lab.  Every terminal 
goes out] 
 
Joe: Hey!  I was working on that paper for four years!
 
Figure: Yes, I am...
 
WhiteWolf.
 
Terry: Whitewolf?
 
Whitewolf: You know.  Moderator of FFML.
 
Terry: I know.
 
Whitewolf: You aren't impressed?
 
Terry: Well, moderating is a tough job and someone's got to do 
it....but everyone else gets paid a visit by the cast of their 
favourite show.  I get administration.  Reminds me...how'd you 
get to my dimension anyhow.
 
Whitewolf: What do you mean?  We live in the same dimension. I 
got here by bus. 
 
Terry: [thought] Mental note #2: You live in the same dimension
as everyone else.  Got to remember that.
[spoken] Bus?
 
Whitewolf: If you guys would chip in a couple of bucks for the 
FFML, I could get plane tickets.
 
Terry: Maybe we could get Skjam to write you some wings.  Why
are you visiting me, anyhow?
 
Whitewolf: Your life is too spammy.
 
Terry: What?!?
 
Whitewolf: Your life is too spammy.
 
Terry: [thought]  Everyone else gets to have their love life 
fixed up....well, kinda fixed up.  At gunpoint.
 
Joe: [points to WW's bokken] Hey!  Nice sword!
 
Fran: I had an uncle who has a wooden sword like that.
 
Laura: change that to "who had a wooden sword".  Keep it in the 
same tense.
 
Bob: It would be better if you had the sword and told us about 
it from the uncle's perspective.
 
John: Maybe write it from the sword's perspective.
 
Joe: I hate perspective
 
Morris: Drop the wooden sword angle entirely, and have the 
uncle be a cross between your uncle and Dick York, from 
"Bewitched". 
 
Steve: Dick Sergeant from "Bewitched".
 
Joe: Dick York.
 
Bob: Dick York.
 
Laura: Dick Sergeant
 
John: Is a spider an insect?
 
Joe: No.  It's an arachnid
 
Bob: No.  It's an arachnid
 
Laura: No.  It's an arachnid.
 
Terry: Right.  My life is too spammy.  Could you do something 
about this? 
 
Whitewolf: [yelling at crowd] Shut up!
[crowd quiets down until Whitewolf turns his back.  Then it 
starts up again]
 
Steve: Dick Sergeant is not an insect!
 
Andy: I've been away for the last two weeks.  Could someone tell me
what's been discussed while I was out?
 
Joe: unsubscribe
 
Whitewolf: You didn't think that you'd get off that easy, did you?
 
Terry: Wha?
 
WW: No one else had a pleasant time.  You've got three minutes
to make get all the spam out of your life, or else I'm going
to do something horrible to you.
 
Terry: Why?
 
WW: Dunno.  Not a proper revengefic unless you're threatened
with something nasty.  Anyhow, you're supposed to fix your
problems yourself.
 
Terry: Why?
 
WW: Otherwise, it just looks like you've got a thinly disguised
moderator avatar finding quick solutions to everyone's
problems.
 
Terry: Makes sense.  It *would* look silly if you showed up
knowing everything about me and having super-powers.
 
WW: I have super-vision.
 
Terry: If you had proper supervision, you wouldn't be running 
around a computer lab in kendo gear.
 
WW: What?
 
Terry: Sorry.  So, what kind of equipment do I have to stop
the spam?  Nannichuan water?
 
WW: No.
 
Terry: Killer Wombat?
 
WW: No.  Mr. Biles has all of them at the moment.
 
Terry: Couldn't he spare one?
 
WW: He says he'll give them back as soon as he finishes that
Sailor Moon Z series.
 
Terry: Scratch that.  How much time have I got left?
 
WW: Two minutes.
 
Terry: You know, I think you've given me an impossible task.
 
WW: If you decide that a task is impossible, then you'll never
complete it.
 
Joe: My uncle used to do all kinds of things that he thought
were impossible.
 
Bob: His rejection of the task is symbolic for his view of life.
 
Laura: Joe's uncle's task or Terry's task?
 
Steve: "Joe's uncle's task" sounds like it would be a really 
good title for a computer program.  Now one of you has to write
it.
 
John: The computer program is an arachnid?
 
Andy: I'm sorry.  I wasn't paying attention.  What's going on?
 
[Terry sneaks away while WhiteWolf cuts the spammers into small
pieces]
 
Terry: Safe.  Finally.
[leans against wall.  Wall explodes]
 
Ryouga: How *DARE* you send me on a date with Kodachi!
 
Kodachi: How *DARE* you send me on a date with Ryouga!
 
Both: Prepare to Die!
 
---------------------- 
[Note: I don't know the first thing about WhiteWolf.  He's 
probably a really nice guy, nothing at all like I portrayed 
him.  I just picked him because he was there to be picked.
No offence meant.  And I am sorry about the supervision line, 
but I *had* to put it in there.]