A figure sat down at the kitchen table with a sigh, and opened up his
PowerBook. With the tap of a key, the system woke up from sleep and
displayed his e-mail program. He shuddered a bit, but did not look back,
as a hand clamped the chain around his ankle.
Prof: <Sigh> The new regime has begun... and I am a pilgrim in an unholy
land.
Frito: Enahhh... didn't ya say that ya just needed somethin' ta make ya
sit down and start writin'? <Evil chuckle> Well, ya *gots* it now!
The Professor shook his head and slumped down in his seat.
Lyra: Nice Connery quote, though.
Windir: You are, of course, aware that the quote originated *long* before
the particular movie that you are referring to?
A dark, mysterious figure in a trenchcoat walked into the room and
hitched himself up on the edge of the table.
Mysterious Trenchcoated Figure: Heh. You have to admit, though, that
these days more people probably know the movie reference.
Lyra: Oh, hush. Maybe more people think of the movie these days... but
that's because it was more recent, more memorable.
MTF: <Thoughtfully> Yes... it probably is more memorable when a movie
star's saying it.
A soft groan rose from the Professor's huddled figure.
Prof: What are you still doing here, anyway? All the other authors have
gone home.
MTF: Let's just say I'm here to make sure you live up to things. We all
agreed that we needed a representative here to keep you honest. <He grins
cynically> You could call me the Designated Lurker. Until my tour's over,
of course.
Prof: <Muttered> Wonderful job you're doing of it, too.
MTF: What was that?
Prof: Oh... um, nothing. <Looks up at the MTF.> You mean I've got *more*
of you to look forward to?
MTF: Well, now... that depends, doesn't it?
Subject: [FFML] SKJAM! thingy...
Sent: 10/2/96 8:57 AM
Received: 10/2/96 12:59 PM
From: Onnawulf, s669330@aix2.uottawa.ca
To: Fanfic ML, fanfic@fanfic.com
MTF: See this?
Frito: Ya *knows* you've been lookin' at dis one!
Prof: Well, yes...
Windir: And *still* you do not see the opportunity presented to you?
Prof: I don't have *time* to... uh-oh.
Lyra: <Shaking her head and tsk'ing.> Bad habits... 'boss'. <She
smiles... but with an edge.> That's why we're all here. Really, it's no
wonder you haven't finished the 'Scoop of the Day' review yet; I'm just
surprised you manage to get anything done.
Prof: Hey, it isn't my fault he keeps coming out with new chapters before
I can finish the last one! We're up to... what, parts 3, 4 *and* 5 now?
Windir: If you would have the common courtesy to finish the earlier parts
in a timely fashion, you would have finished it before the release of the
next installment.
Prof: <Sigh> No respect. <Shakes his head in turn> No respect, I tell you.
MTF: And you expected anything different from your creations? <Smiles>
Right.
Seemed only fair to follow up with this...
Windir: Indeed. Fair for *all*. <Smiles evilly>
Prof: Sheesh... rub it in, why don't you?
SKJAM RevengeFic: A Call to Arms
Prof: Hehehe.
MTF: Hmmm.
Prof: Not quite sure which way to turn on this one, are you?
She examined herself in the mirror.
It was still a shock to see herself like this, and she
suspected it would be for the rest of her life. The strawberry-
blond hair was a surprise; she'd been expecting it to be red.
Prof: Huh. Interesting. Seems like most of 'em are ending up like
onna-Ranma, but a few of 'em are taking a different route. Did that
question ever get settled?
Frito: Question?
Windir: Sadly, no; aside from the slightly contradictory and often
questionable evidence quoted by people when this dispute has raged in the
past, there seems to be an inordinate amount of woolly thinking when this
subject arises. Not to mention a great deal of simple thoughtless
acceptance of various theories. This author, at least, deserves a plaudit
for above-average awareness in this respect.
Lyra: Oh, come on. We *really* don't need to restart the whole debate
again, do we? I mean, it's not like it matters or anything!
Prof: <Deadpan> It did to hi... her.
Frito shudders.
Thicker and slightly longer than she was used to as well - she
liked to keep it short, and this was about an inch too much.
Although, grow out a bit longer, it'd probably be quite attractive.
She shook her head. _Not_ a pleasant thought.
Frito: Amen ta that one, toots! <Muttering to himself> Loosin' yer
manhood like that... GAHHH!
Lyra looks over at him with an 'I-know-something-I'm-not-telling-you'
smile.
Lyra: You know, though... I've heard it *can* give one a whole new
perspective on things. <The smile changes to an evil grin>
Frito: Not like *that*, I don't need!
She traced one
finger along a cheekbone, down her chin, turning it this way and
that. The facial features were softer, less angular - though she
supposed that was to be expected. All in all, she had to admit, a
rather pretty face. She shuddered. Not an adjective she'd have
ever thought to apply to herself...
Windir: And now, the author pays more than cursory attention to the
consequences. I *am* impressed. Another cut over the average fic
generated in this massive bandwagon.
"Damn you, Ranma..." he muttered. "You've gone to far..."
Logging on to his school account, he quickly checked his E-
Mail. It was just as he expected. Ranma, Akane - hell, a sizable
portion of the popular anime world - had been _very_ busy. More
and more fanfic authors were getting hit. And, thanks to Ranma, a
sizable portion of the male writers were getting splashed with
Nyannichuan.
"That bloody spring's gotta be half-empty by now..." he said,
looking over the list of victims.
Lyra: Another good point raised.
Prof: I wonder why so many people are giving themselves that curse?
Windir: There is, of course, the obvious answer -- Ranma 1/2 appears to
be the most popular series on the list, and the Juysenkyo curses -- in
particular, the Nyannichuan curse inflicted upon our protagonist -- are
the mainspring whereupon the plot twists shift. Therefore, when authors
are looking for a suitable revenge for our fellow characters to perform,
it is only natural to assume that this McGuffin would fall readily to
hand. However, I do believe that we can also look in terms of deeper
motives. We must first, after all, consider the appeal that a comedy with
a gender-changing protagonast would have for a certain group of fans...
MTF: <Aside, while Windir rambles on in the background> Is he *always*
like this?
Prof: <Rueful grin> Most of the time, yes.
MTF: At this close range? <Purses his lips in a soundless whistle>
Lyra nods.
MTF: And you *survive* it? <Looks respectfully at the Professor.>
Windir: ...then, of course, one must take into account...
Prof: <Shrugs> You get used to it. Most of the time, anyway. Plus
which... <Looks embarrassed> Well, time for some 'deeper motives' of my
own: I can be a real pompous idiot at times. He's a safe way of getting
that out of my system.
Windir: ...inner perversity that imbues the personality of the soi-disant
'otaku'...
Prof: Well, mostly safe. <Looks nervously around the room.>
MTF: Gaahh. Be back in a sec; I need to get some air. <Stumbles off to
the patio door.>
Zen.
Biles.
Darren.
Eav.
What kind of punishment was it, anyway? What did Ranma hope
to prove?
Name.
Name.
Name.
There were so many of them. All unwilling victims, punished
for the innocent act of writing a few simple fanfics.
Name.
Name.
Name.
And everyday, the list kept growing. Everyday, a few more got
splashed.
Lyra: Nice technique. The simple, unadorned listing brings home the scope
of the thing -- and highlights the introspective comments he makes in
between. 'Everyday,' though, should be two words -- for additional pacing
impact, if nothing else.
Prof: You know, it'd almost be easier to list the people who *haven't*
been Nyannichuan cursed. Let's see... there's Bert, Richard... me, of
course, and Mi--
Frito: <Swirling some water around in a glass and grinning nastily> Wanna
join 'em?
Prof: Hey! No, wait a minute--
Lyra: Put it down, Frito. He doesn't deserve that. <Looks up again with
that Mona Lisa smile.> Besides which, you never know what actions taken
on the creator will echo back to his creations... <Looks meaningfully at
Frito.>
Frito stares at the glass in horror, then throws it away from him in a
violent spasm. There is a tinkle of glass offscreen, followed by a splash.
Voice 1: OI!
Prof: No... That wasn't *really*... FRITO!
Voice 1: <Offscreen> Oi ain't sayin' that it was. And oi ain't sayin'
that it wasn't.
The Professor sighed and buried his head in his hands, shaking his head.
Sure, a few were given a reprieve - like Nightelf, who
had two weeks to prove himself, and, sure, a few even enjoyed their
condition...
Windir: As I was saying.
but _something_ had to be done. Writing fanfics used
to be safe, used to be a release. But now, the road ran both ways.
For every negative scene written, the author's had to live in fear
of deadly and/or embarrassing retribution.
Something had to be done.
But what?
He didn't know...
Prof: Well, it's a bit cliche... but then again, I'm not sure you can say
it without being at least a little cliche. After all --
Frito: Yeah, yeah, alright, we've heard it already --
Lyra: <In a singsong voice> The reason cliches become cliches is because
they say things that are always needing to be said. <Quirks a sardonic
eyebrow.> Did I get it right?
Prof: <Sigh> Close enough.
Mike climbed into bed with a sigh. "Heh." She thought wryly.
"I finally get a good-looking girl into my bed, and it's me."
Closing her eyes, she started to think.
Windir: This paragraph, and the next, exhibit a remarkably rapid (and
indeed, somewhat contradictory) acceptance of the situation.
The curse, she could _almost_ forgive Ranma for. Being female
wasn't all _that_ bad... the roommates had adjusted quickly, it'd
been fairly easy to keep secret, and the fact that she could bend
her arms back an extra few degrees at the elbow was kinda neat. But how
could she possibly explain this to her parents? To her friends back
home? Swimming in Trout Lake would never be the same...
Prof: I see what you mean about contradictory. And rapid/easy... being
able to bend your elbow a little bit extra seems like a kinda silly
reason to like being female. <wry g>
But she couldn't forgive him for the other stuff. [...] For Kuno,
who'd tried for a week straight to date her, before leaving to hunt
down other prey (although, Mike had to admit, looking at the vase
of flowers on her desk, the red roses added a nice splash of colour
to the room. And the free suppers at the Chateau Laurier had been
a bonus. The kendo lessons had been great. And, once you got past
the initial arrogance, Kuno really wasn't that bad of a
conversationalist - a bit wordy, but adept at verbal sparring with
Shakespearean quotes. Good looking, too... Mike shuddered.
Let's... not got there, she thought).
Prof: I like this one better; he... er, she... eep!... does a better job
of developing this. The gradual build-up, followed by the sudden
pulling-up short, works quite well.
No. I need a cure, Mike whispered to herself. Somehow, I
need to get some nannichuan. And I need the freedom to write what
I want, about who I want, without the fear of being 'punished'
again. It's time to take the fight back to Nerima, back to Tokyo,
back to wherever the enemy lives. I will _not_ be pushed around by
a bunch of imaginary animated characters.
Prof: This --
Windir, Frito, and Lyra <in unison>: Is a little cliched!
Prof: <Sigh>
MTF: <Coming back into the room> Do they do this to you often? <Smiles
evilly> How marvellous.
But I can't do this alone, he realised. I'll need help.
But who?
And then, she thought of the list. All those people, cursed
like she was. Most of them were probably burning to get their
revenge as well, itching to find a cure. They could group
together, form some kind of Onna-Otaku Organization, and free the
ML from the tyranny of the oppressive anime dictators!
Windir: <Standing up and raising a fist in the air> Otaku of the world,
unite! You have nothing to lose but your oppressors... oops.
Prof: He he heh...
All she needed was to put out a call to arms, a call for
retribution! She smiled as she drifted off to sleep. Well, it
_could_ happen...
Frito: Yeah, rii-iight.
Lyra: Well, it *could*. Of coures, certain conditions probably need to be
fulfilled first, like aerial pigs and frozen precipitation Down Below.
Or maybe not...
Worth following up? I've never been part of a Spamfic before...
Hmmm. It *did* get me out of a multi-week session of writer's block...
and it also brought a lot of people out of the woodwork and got them
writing, which is always a good thing. On balance, I'd say yes. Sometimes
it's good to just relax and have fun. ;>
Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
<http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)
...Cats are the proof of a higher purpose to the universe.