In a small bedroom, a figure sat hunched before his computer, typing
happily away, downloading images from various alt.binaries.* newsgroups,
and trying to find time to read letters from the FFML.
Hmm, he thought. I should plan this week's MAGE game... oh, it's only
in two days, I can put it off. With that, he opened his mailbox and waited
for Netscape to load in his messages.
What's this? he thought. Revengefics? 'Oh, my.' Well, looks like I
better get busy before they come for me. He looked around his room. I
wish I was still at college. I'd hate it if they trashed my room.
*****
Several days later, the same anonymous figure saved his Wing Commander
III game (I know it's old, but I just managed to buy a computer that could
play it, OK? :) and logged in to the Internet. Checking his mail, one
piece of mail from "#1.genius.scientist.universe.jurai.edu" caught his eye.
They're heeeeere, he thought to himself as he opened another window and
clicked on the suspicious E-mail.
A small black hole opened in the air above his bed and deposited four
extremely pissed off individuals.
"Let's see, Ryouga, Ukyou, Sailor Mars and Priss, right?" the man
asked. The boy with the bandanna just glowered at him. The former
okonomiyaki cook turned madwoman giggled and nodded her head, sending
greasy locks of hair flying. The man hoped that her straitjacket would
hold. Priss merely locked her railgun on him, not a good sign. Sailor
Mars looked like she was going to explode, which would bring the local fire
department in a hurry.
"Jeffrey Hosmer, also known as Rogue1?" she asked in a angry voice.
"That's me," the man agreed amiably.
Sailor Mars blinked. "You don't look anything like I pictured you."
Jeff shrugged. "I'm an anonymous sort of guy."
Ryouga squeezed forward and grabbed Jeff by his shirt. "Hosmer,
because of you, I have seen HELL!"
"Hellhellhell, Ryouga's in hell, isn't that nice, Ranchan?" Ukyou
asked in a singsong voice of no one in particular. The others ignored her.
"Urk! Well, that was the point of 'Lies.' Funny, I thought mad-Ukyou
died at the end of it, though."
"NOT THAT! YOU HAD ME DATING KODACHI!"
"Oh, but she was mostly sane in Akane1/2."
"You killed me but that didn't stop you," Priss said in an angry
voice. "And you turned me into a freaking CYBORG, you fucking asshole!"
"And you stole my powers from me!" Sailor Mars added.
"Hey, I made you Super Sailor Mars in Z6."
"You did?"
"Yeah, just posted it the other day."
"Enough crap!" Priss snarled. She drew back one hardsuited fist.
"Any last words?"
Jeff swallowed slightly, but managed a silly grin. "I wouldn't do
that if I were you?"
"And why not?" Sailor Mars asked.
"Because of my charming personality?"
"I think not."
"My incredible good looks?"
"Have you looked in a mirror lately, bub?" Priss asked.
"OK, how about my secret weapon?"
"PREPARE TO DIE!"
"Hold it, Ryouga!" Sailor Mars said. "What Secret Weapon?"
"What? I'm afraid I can't remember things very well when I'm being
threatened."
"Diediediedie," Ukyou giggled.
"Priss, Ryouga, back off... it's not like he can go anywhere." The
two reluctantly took a step back, which was about as far as they could go
in the crowded room.
"Oh, my secret weapon, right," Jeff said. "It was just a little
fanfic I mailed off through the Postal Service to a few friends of mine on
the net. Little 3.5" floppies, like this one." He held up a small gray
disk.
"And we're supposed to be afraid of THAT?" Ryouga said contemptuously.
"Well, yeah. You see, I figure you guys were all granted existence by
the collective will of the anime fans on the Internet. Their belief in you
is has changed reality. So, any fanfic I put out on the net, you'll have
to suffer through... that's why you're here, right?"
"And how could any fanfic you've written be worse than what you've
already done?" Priss asked.
"Yeah!" Sailor Mars agreed. "And don't think I've missed all your
innuendo about me and Usagi! I'm not a lesbian!"
"I never said you were. I always maintained you were bisexual."
Priss's helmet turned to look at the sailor-suited warrior for love
and justice, whose face was turning the color of her skirt.
"YOU HENTAI! BURNING MAN--"
"Hold on! Hold on! Secret weapon, remember?" Jeff said quickly.
"What... is... this... damn... weapon?" Sailor Mars ground out.
"A little fic where a super-otaku villain, whom I named the Galactic
Overlord and modeled after myself," he sketched a small bow, "declares war
on your universes."
"Big deal."
"It's been done."
"Would you like fries with your okonomiyaki, Ranchan? *giggle*"
"Galactic Overlord? Puh-lease!"
Jeff shrugged. "Hey, it worked for Heinlein. Anyway, the Overlord's
armies are taken from the combined population of Anime Expo, Project A-kon,
Anime East, and KatsuCon and OtakuCon... five really large anime fan
conventions."
The three sane anime characters looked on him in horror.
"You'd unleash--"
"--the fanboys?"
"MONSTER!"
Jeff managed a smug smile. "If anything happens to me, my friends
post the story and you get a taste of this--" He reached over and sent a
quick E-mail. A moment later, a fat kid wearing glasses and some kind of
costume (complete with cape) appeared. "Meet Fanboy, from the Freakazoid
show."
"Hi,I'mFanboyandit'sgreattomeetyouall.Ohmygod!IT'SPRISS!PRISS!Isthere
anytruthtothelesbianstories?DidyouandSylviehavearelationship?Isittruethat
youroriginalvoiceactressquittomakearecordorwassheforcedout?IlikedCrisisbest
butCrashwasn'tasbadassomepeoplesay.RYOUGA!Hey,doyouhavethehotsforRanma-
chan?Couldyousay"WhereisFurinkanHighSchool,please?"Ohmygod,SailorMars!
I'vesignedtheSOSpetitionandambuyingupLDsandcouldyoudooneofthosehighleaps
thatDICcutoutsotheywouldn'tshowyourpantiesand--"
"Alright! What do you want?" Sailor Mars said. The rest of them
were looking pretty ill.
"Just to be left alone."
"What, you're not going to stand up for your fellow authors?"
"Hey, they seem like a bunch of masochists to me. Especially Biles.
I wonder about him at times."
"Come on!" she said, turning to the others. "Let's get out of here!"
"Can't I kill that obnoxious toad first?" Priss pleaded, pointing her
railgun at Fanboy.
"No, leave him with Hosmer. It's what he deserves."
"Please!Takemewithyou!IwannaseeNerimaandeatShampoo'sramenandisittrue
she'llsleepwithanyonelikesomefanficssayandisAkane'scookingreallycapable of
movingbyitselfand--"
The anime characters ran, screaming, into one of Washuu's portals.
Fanboy turned toward Jeff, who quickly pointed out his second story window.
"Hey, isn't that George Takei?"
Fanboy ran toward the window. "SULU! SULU!" and jumped. Shame they
were on the second floor.
The black portal opened up again and a young redhead stuck her head
out. "Did it work?" she asked.
"Sure did, thanks for the help, Washuu."
"No problem. Now, about being my guinea pig..." A large floating
sphere with glowing lights on it appeared behind the genius scientist.
Jeff just sighed. "Oh, boy."
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
I spologize to anyone I offended with the masochist crack (except John
Biles, who knows what I think of him :). Anyway, this was just my attempt
to be a little different from the rest of the Revengefics. I almost
definitely probably would not throw you all to the wolves if I was really
faced with this. Ja!