Mina-san, Ohayou!
Well, during the heyday of the revengefic thread I was too caught
up with work (still am) to sit down and write a proper one about
myself. I *did* write large chunks, but the gruelling task of
stritching together the parts and making it flow was not possible
without a few moments of leisure. Anyway, enough of this idle
self-pity, here is what happened, when the Nerima Squad decided to
visit *my* home.:
We're here to help you...
-------------------------
Noisily the bus came to a halt at the bus-stop. The doors opened
with a hiss and a young, somewhere over twenty-ish man jumped out
as if propelled by some unseen force. He hit the ground stumbling
and steadied himself, grabbing the sign post of the stop.
Gasping, he caught his breath.
Finally he pulled out a little notebook and pencil, scribbling
something down. The letters read, "Remember: never Never *NEVER*
use the bus when the mall has just closed!" Indeed, with the
largest shopping mall of Europe newly opened in this town, and
shopping being only second to watching TV as the favourite German
pastime, public transport could become a little cramped at times.
Catching his bearings, the young man straightened up and crossed
the road, heading for a side street. He was going home.
As his key opened the door to the house, he could already hear the
screaming of two female voices locked in a volume contest. Hoping
to escape unscathed, he stalked over to the stairs that led to the
upper rooms. It was not to be, though.
"Sebastian! Judith is getting on my nerves. Tell her to stop!"
He looked his little sister up and down, before answering. "I may
be tired, Liz, but not tired enough to fall for such an easy trap.
Say, isn't that my T-shirt you're wearing?"
"Uh," Elisabeth responded, crossing her arms, as if to hide the
garish colors of the comic illustration on the black shirt, "I
didn't think you'd mind me borrowing it."
"I wouldn't have... If you had asked me. You're on your own." He
turned to climb the stairs, leaving Liz at the mercy of her older
sister. He could hear Judith's voice wafting up the stairs behind
him: "No no no no *no*! I *told* you: The maple syrup *must* be
on the table *first* - *then* you can get the pancakes..."
Moaning inwardly, he closed his door behind himself. Now he'd
take an hour's rest, catching up on the ML. At the university
this morning he had not had the time to really read anything
besides his personal mail, and give a quick glance at the subject
lines in his FFML folder. When he had looked over the subjects
this morning, before downloading the folder onto the disk, the ML
seemed to be filled up with just one topic: "SKJAM revenge"
something. But the messages were all pretty short - it was
probably just some spam that Scott started.
He pulled the pack of disks out, laid the bag on the bed, next to
where Ranma was sitting, and plopped down in front of his
computer. He shoved the first disk into the drive and stretched
his hands to the power button, when finally something registered.
<Wait a moment. Something's wrong.> He closed his eyes,
concentrating. <I survived the bus ride; came home; endured Liz
and Judith; went to my room; took the disks from the bag; put
the bag on the bed right... next... to... Ranma?!>
He swiveled around in his chair. Ranma was sitting on his bed,
grinning.
"Uh. Uh. Uh," Sebastian stammered. His brain was frantically
trying to digest the fact that he was sitting face to face with a
comic character. Then the mathematics-trained circuits kicked in
and overrode the "common sense" that told him this wasn't
possible. *Logically*, if it is obviously true, it must be
possible *somehow*. A solution to this must exist, so there's no
sense in denying it. "Um, hi?" he tried.
"Yo, Sebastian," Ranma answered, still grinning, "I guess you're
wondering why I'm here."
Sebastian just nodded mutely, idly noticing at the back of his
mind that Ranma was talking english.
"Well, you are a fanfic author, aren't you?"
"Uh-huh," Sebastian made, still tongue-tied. <Oh dear, I hope
this is not about copyright.>
"You see, so many fanfic authors have shaped and re-shaped my
world, sometimes even visiting, and often solving my and others'
problems in one way or another. So we decided that it was time
to... repay the kindness and help *you* for a change."
<Help me?> Sebastian thought flabberghasted.
"Yep. We looked at the fanfics on your harddrive and..."
"You what?!" Sebastian exclaimed. "You touched my computer?
*Nobody* touches my computer. Not even Liz touches my computer
and she considers everything hers that isn't actually nailed down
and branded" He was standing nose to nose with Ranma now, even if
he had to look up a bit, since Ranma was still sitting on his
elevated bed.
Ranma just grinned at him with the smug superiority that came with
knowing that, despite the six years age difference, he could beat
Sebastian into a small lump of charcoal. Slowly, Sebastian came
to realize the same thing and backed off.
"What kind of crappy computer is that anyway?" Ranma asked
offhandedly. "It doesn't even run Windows."
"Um, it's an Acorn, and that's why I bought it. You wouldn't know
them - They're neat, but the manufacturer has a rather strange
marketing strategy."
Suddenly, another voice came from behind him. "I didn't know that
ARM Developments *had* a strategy. Besides 'Let's see how fast we
can wipe ourselves off the market' of course."
Sebastian froze. That voice... He had never actually *heard*
her, since he was not much of an Anime fan, but the dry wit, the
sarcastic inflection, the *style* summoned one specific picture to
mind. "Nabiki!" He turned.
"Oooh, you recognized me," grinned the girl. She pointed to Ranma
with her thumb. "Luckily, this mission includes someone with a
bit more computer knowledge than Bozo the Wonder-Newbie here. In
fact, your computer was very helpful in finding the files we were
looking for on your hard disk. And some other things of
interest..."
She reached past Sebastian and pushed the power button, watching
for five seconds, while the computer charged up and started the
window manager.
Sebastian looked at her, incredulous. It was really her. And she
was standing right next to him. What wouldn't he give to be
seventeen again.
"Whe- where did you come from?" he managed.
"Same place Ranma came from." She pointed over her shoulder
beneath Sebastian's bed, where amidst a television set, a VCR, a
record player, a large box of clothing and other assorted junk
there was a transdimensional hole, flashing and wavering
ominously.
"Oh," Sebastian made. "I knew I shouldn't have kept that in my
own room."
"That doesn't matter," said Ranma. "It was just convenient. We
could just as well have come through your computer."
"Oh," Sebastian made again. Then he turned to Nabiki. "So, why
you and not Akane? I wrote more about her than you. Um, sorry."
Nabiki waved his apology away. "Akane is on a special mission,
visiting some guy named James so-and-so. She took her Number Four
Wood with her."
"She is playing golf with someone?"
"Err, no," Ranma said,rubbing the back of his head in memory.
"Akane doesn't own golf clubs"
"Urk."
"That Kawaiikune," Ranma muttered to himself.
"'Kawaikunee'," Sebastian corrected automatically.
"Hey!" Ranma grabbed the front of his shirt. "Watch your lip,
that's my fiancee, you're talking of."
"Besides," Nabiki remarked dryly, "Who are *you* to give us
language lessons?"
"Ah," Sebastian looked at her. "That reminds me. I wanted to ask
how come you two speak English? I mean, it's neither your nor my
mother tongue."
"Ah, that's the force of habit for you," Nabiki explained. "You
are just *used* to reading and writing us as speaking English.
Could you *imagine* us speaking German to you?"
"No," Sebastian said, shaking his head with closed eyes, as if to
block out something very painful. "Speaking as someone who has
*seen* the German re-translations of the English Viz
'adaptations', I can definitely say that I cannot picture either
of you speaking German." He shuddered.
"Hey," said Ranma, "I can speak some German words! I saw them
inna film. 'Ach! Mein Gott! Schweinhund! Ve haff vays off
making you talk...' Good, huh?"
Sebastian decided that the most diplomatic answer was to change
the topic. "But why are you coming to me? I never wrote a
self-insertion fic."
"No? Let's go over your fics then, shall we?" Nabiki reached
over to the mouse and opened the appropriate directory window.
"How many are this twenty? twentyfour?"
"Just fourteen," Sebastian corrected, "Some of these files are
drafts that I kept, and one fic comes in many parts."
"Right, I remember one that..." She clicked on a few files. "Ah,
yes, this one: 'I could see my reflection in the pool', 'I fell
sprawling into the water'," she quoted, "How does this sound to
you?"
"Like first person perspective narration. Doesn't mean that it's
self insertion," Sebastian maintained defiantly.
"Hmph, granted, but what's this?" She opened another file. "A
god-like figure comes to Nerima, resolving everybody's problems
and getting hitched with Shampoo in the process..."
"Hey, that's a *parody*! It was meant to be an "Insert yourself
here" fanfic."
Ranma read a portion over their shoulders. "That doesn't make
that mallet blow any less painful."
"The next one," Nabiki continued, "Is the largest, it seems. Six
volumes."
"That's _Ranko 1/2_," Sebastian explained, "Only the first three
volumes contain actual stories - the others only have little bits
and pieces in them."
"Hey, waitaminnit!" Ranma interjected, "_Ranko 1/2_? Don't tell
me it's *yet another one* where I get turned female permanently.
Or split up, or something"
Hastily Sebastian waved his hands. "No! In fact, you're not in
it at all. It's an alternate universe story where your parents
had a girl instead of you, and how she copes with a life that was
really meant for you. She is not just a female you - she's a
different person."
"She certainly is," Nabiki interjected dryly, pointing to a bit of
text on the monitor, "*She* gets to kiss Akane."
"What?!" Ranma grabbed Sebastian by the lapels.
"Eeek," squealed the fanfic author, "She thought she was male at
the time. And anyway, Nabiki set it up!"
"Oh no, you won't blame this on me. You *wrote* me to do it."
"Harumph," Sebastian straightened his shirt, after Ranma
reluctantly let go of it. "It was in character, I believe. You
*would* have done it."
"It certainly reads like fun," Nabiki admitted.
"What's this one?" Ranma pointed to another file.
Nabiki opened it and both anime characters' eyes went wide. Well,
*wider* anyway.
"_Holiday in Nerima_," Nabiki grinned. "Bingo."
Sebastian began to sweat uncomfortably. "Uh, heh heh heh. I can
explain..."
"I don't think you need to," said Nabiki. "The fic speaks for
itself. The author writes himself into the story, where he wins a
vacation in Japan, *coincidentally* in Nerima, Tokyo..."
"With a beginning like that," Ranma said, "you just *know* that
he's gonna beat me at martial arts and bag Shampoo by chapter 3."
"Nonononono!" Sebastian explained, "You misunderstand. This fic
is meant to illustrate what would *really* happen if I went to
your Nerima. I mean me as my actual self, not some superpowered
avatar. It's an otaku-fic *in a way*, yes, but not really what
you've been looking for, right?"
"Humph," Ranma made disappointed and went over to the bed again,
sitting down. "What're the others, then."
Nabiki proceeded to open the files one after the other. "Hmm.
One where Kunou figures out your curse, and forgets it instantly.
Ooooh, a Lemon."
"A Lemon?" Ranma asked. "It's not some hentai, split body stuff,
is it?"
"Nnnooo," Nabiki said slowly. "it's..."
"A-hem, A-hem, A-hem!" Sebastian noisily cleared his throat,
while surreptitiously reaching into his wallet and handing a note
to Nabiki. She took it and eyed it for a moment, before
continuing, "It's an OK one."
"Phew," Sebastian made.
"Oh dear, this one's a song! Tsk. Aha, a love potion fic."
Ranma groaned. "Jeez, *everyone* seems to have written one. What
does Shampoo try in this one, huh?"
"Actually," Nabiki said, raising a brow, "it's Kodachi who tries
to poison you with it. Interesting."
"Eeeyuck!" Ranma stuck out his tongue. "I hope it doesn't work,"
he added threateningly.
"No, of course not," Sebastian quickly asserted. "It makes you
fall for Akane, though."
"Ha!" Ranma said, suddenly *very* interested in the ceiling of
the corner of the room, "As if that could ever happen." Nabiki
and Sebastian exchanged knowing glances.
Nabiki turned back to the monitor and Sebastian's heart sank, when
he saw her klicking on a file called "BroknThing". Nabiki skimmed
the text and her eyebrow shot up. Without even waiting for her to
look at him, Sebastian pulled out his wallet again. He handed her
another bill, but Nabiki just continued to stare at him, so he
kept counting out bill after bill until she began to smile, which
nicely coincided with his wallet being completely empty. She
closed the file again.
"So," Nabiki stated. "With all these fanfics there isn't much
time left for a social life, is there?"
"Social life? Sure I have a social life..." Sebastian stalled,
while his brain frantically worked. Finally, a sub-process found
a reference to that term on a *very* old backup tape and he
remembered. <Oh, yes, right. I used to have one of those.
Wonder if it's still around somewhere.> "I mean, I know lots of
people."
"Indeed," Nabiki said, "I have seen your e-mail."
Sebastian cringed.
"The question is," she continued, "How many of these people live
in walking distance. Or even in this country?"
"Um."
She didn't really need an answer; She knew. "When was the last
time you went out with a girl?"
Cornered like a rat, Sebastian tried a desperate gambit: "Who
says I'm interested in girls?"
"Uuuerk!" Ranma went into shock position with index finger and
pinkie extended. Nabiki just raised a brow, amused.
"Liar," she stated flatly.
<Damn!> Sebastian thought. <I forgot that I'm dealing with the
smartest person in the Ranmaverse here. Everyone else would have
been thrown off, since they are so conventional in their gender
thinking.>
Nabiki looked him up and down. "Hmmmm," she made. "I daresay
that there *is* some subconscious truth to that, though." She
turned to Ranma. "Look at that awful scraggly moustache; Look at
the *hair*! Look at his e-mail."
"Hey!" Sebastian moved protectively before the computer.
"What we have here," Nabiki concluded, "is a man who is afraid of
women."
Sebastian jerked and darted under the computer desk. "Ho- How did
you know?" he asked, cowering there in fetal position.
"Female intuition," she deadpanned. "It's written all over you,
you dolt!"
Ranma piped in, "We know- Well, *She* knows everything about you.
Now come outta there and let us do our work. We're here to help
you. Heck," he said to himself, "I should offer to arrange a date
with Shampoo for him. It would get her outta my hair, and those
fanboys *all* have the hots for her."
Sebastian relutantly crawled back into the light. He had heard
Ranma's mumblings.
"Err, I've never really been attracted to Shampoo types. In
fact," he turned to Nabiki, "of all the girls in your world, the
one most likely to make me write an otaku-fic is you." He
grinned. "If my love life finally perks up, I wish it could be
with a girl like you."
"Nice try," grinned Nabiki, "but that's a different series."
"Huh? Oh, ooops, that was not what I meant."
"You say you're not attracted to Shampoo? Then what about this
one..." she reached over to the computer again and opened another
file, and Sebastian knew what she meant, before she was finished
clicking.
"That's not finished!" He screamed, shielding the fic from Ranma's
interested gaze with his hands. "I never sent that part out, so
it doesn't count."
"Doesn't it?" asked Nabiki. "I didn't know there were any *rules*
to this."
Sebastian's mouth opened and closed mutely. Somehow he had just
assumed the the fics didn't become "reality", before he officially
sent them out. Finally he gathered his senses. "Anyway. It's
not exactly a fic that a Shampoo fan would write, is it? I mean I
even took one suggestion from Kun-chan."
"Not Shampoo, either, then. Well, I believe that leaves us only
one course of action, don't you agree, Ranma?"
"Sure I do," said Ranma, happy to finally join in on the action
again. He reached into a bag, that was lying next to him on the
bed and pulled out... a student's notebook. He stared at it for a
few seconds before blushing embarrassed and stuffing it back into
Sebastian's bag. Then he reached into a bag that was lying to his
*left* side and pulled out... A gun!
"Y- You can't be serious," Sebastian stammered.
"Dead serious, man," Ranma said.
"Please don't shoot me!" Sebastian wailed "Surely there must be
some hope!"
His eyes were fixed on Ranma's index finger. When it flexed,
indicating the imminent pulling of the trigger, he dove left. Bad
coordination makes for good reflexes; Thus he managed to clear the
chair in time to be narrowly missed by... a squirt of water,
coming from the nozzle of the gun. Sebastian was perplexed.
"Jeez, you had me terrified there for a moment. What were you
talking about anyway? How was squirting me like that gonna help
my... Oh hell!"
He had noticed the chair. Where just a moment ago had been his
battered, not-quite-comfy but very durable, heavy chair, there now
was a petite thing with plush covering. Even the folded blanket,
that had covered the bare metal backrest, replacing the broken-off
cushioning, had turned into a soft, pillowy covering - frilly,
pink, *feminine*.
"Oh my god," Sebastian groaned in horror. "That's what you meant
by solving my problems?"
"Sure," Ranma replied, leveling the squirt gun. "Face it, the
only chance that you have of getting a date, is to be a cute girl.
If you are too damn weak to make any advances at the girls you
like, we have to place you in a situation, where the passes are
made at *you*." He pulled the trigger, and Sebastian screwed his
eyes shut, expecting the soaking water.
When it didn't happen, he slowly opened his eyes again. Only a
few drops had fallen from the gun to the ground, even though Ranma
had pulled the trigger all the way.
"Damn, empty!" Ranma cursed, "I knew we shouldn't have used the
stuff on *every* author we visited. Now we've got one who really
*needs* it, and we run out of it."
"We can always get a refill..." Nabiki added, threateningly.
"Nooo!" Sebastian begged. "Please, You needn't trouble yourself
on my account."
"So you will cooperate, now?" Nabiki enquired.
"Yes, yes. I'll do anything you want."
"All right!" Nabiki started counting out fingers. "First of all,
the beard has to go. Next, a haircut. And get some t-shirts in
colors other than black. Oh, and what's the number of females
enrolled in CompSci at your uni? 5%, isn't it? Well, you're
going to hang out with the maths crowd, then, to reacquaint you to
what a woman looks like whose last name isn't '.GIF'."
"I was hanging out with the maths crowd at my old uni. Didn't get
any girlfriend there, either."
"You were hanging out - or rather hanging on - at the computer
terminal in the maths building. That's not the same. Besides,
it's not as if you *did* anything to meet any girls. Not since
the second Semester."
"Gad, you know about that, too?!" Sebastian exclaimed.
Ranma grinned. "I *told* you, she knows everything about you."
Sebastian sighed and slumped, defeated. Which prompted Nabiki to
say, "Oh, and you've got to do something about your poor posture,
too. All day hunched over before a monitor isn't exactly good for
your spine."
She walked over to the bed and looked back at the young man, who
tried to look as healthy and well-adjusted as possible for her
sake. She sniffed. "well, it'll have to do for now. But
remember: Don't make us come around again, or you'll be using
women's restrooms sooner than you can say 'Oops, I'm sorry,
Nabiki'. Do I make myself clear?"
"P-perfectly clear," Sebastian asserted.
"Good." Nabiki smiled. It seemed a genuinely friendly smile for
a change. "And keep writing me good roles." With that she ducked
under the elevated bed and dove into the dimensional hole. No
trace was left of her presence in the room.
While Sebastian looked on, Ranma hopped off the bed, too, and
approached the rift between the worlds. Sebastian called out, "Do
you have to leave so soon? I had hoped that after you're done, we
could talk a little. There are a lot of things that I always
wanted to ask you two..."
"No," Ranma said, "We can't stay. So many more fanfic authors to
visit. But don't despair - We arranged for some people to come
over here, who are interested in talking to you..."
With that mysterious hint, he stepped through the dimensional hole
after Nabiki, leaving Sebastian behind, puzzled. But He didn't
stay puzzled for very long, because he heard a very high pitched
voice clear its throat. He spun around. On the pink chair, there
was standing a figure. Small - very small - blue, with a white
hat.
<Oh no!> Sebastian's mind wailed. <Not them!>
"Errhem," the figure made, "About that fanfic idea you've been
smurfing of..."
The End. (God, I *hope* so...)
Author's notes:
Yes, (almost) all in this fic concerning my person is true. I
would laugh, too, if it wasn't so sad. :} And, nope, I didn't
get cursed. It wouldn't be much of a revenge - I would *like* it
too much.
One note to Mike W. Loader and Chris Wilmore: You bloody cowards!
Sebastian