Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
or
Carrot Juice. Earl Grey. Hot.
Release 1.0
Document Number UFP-NCC-1701-D
10/31/91
Tabitha Boehmer
T.Boehmer1[TabithaB]
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Take 1 part each of :
Who Framed Roger Rabbit ?
Loony Toons
Tiny Toons
Best of Both Worlds 1 & 2
Mix together thoroughly, add in lots of spice (contributions by)
Contributor Primarily Responsible For
T.BOEHMER1 [TabithaB]
þ Toon Goddess
þ Bugs Bunny
þ Wile E. Coyote ("Super
Genius")
þ Pepe Le Pew
þ The Kangaroo
þ Fred Flintstone & Dino
þ Porky Pig
þ Foghorn Leghorn
þ The Road Runner
þ Bob Clampett
þ Arnold
D.DREIBELBIS [Ford Prefect]
þ Daffy Duck
þ Plucky Duck
þ Hamton Pig
þ Mike & Tedd (some animators)
þ Soupy Sales
þ White Fang
þ Black Tooth
J.BESTRY [Sesame St] Sylvester The Cat
D.HAND4 [YeosimiteSam] Yosemite Sam
S.RATZLAFF [Steve] Elmer Fudd
R.TUMELE [Donald Duck] Donald Duck & Friends
J.SQUAIR1 [ElissaPotier] The Gremlin
DENNYA [Denny Atkin] Tweetie Pie & Assorted Kzin
K.MYERS4 [Karen]
þ The Mynah Bird (possible God
of Chaos)
þ Bullwinkle The Moose
þ Rocky J. Squirrel
S.VANSLYCK [Steve V.] Mr. Sherman & Peabody
C.MATTERN [Chris] George of the Jungle (& Friends)
P.HENRY [Paul] Chuck, Art, Friz, & Tex
T.LUTHMAN [Thomas] Brief Explanation of Cartoon
Physics
L.SCHNEIDER9 [Rachel] Butch & Claude (?), two dogs
D.BURGDORF
þ Babs & Buster Bunny ("No
Page i
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Relation").
þ Opus The Penguin
þ Chilly Willy The Penguin
þ Calamity Coyote
FETHERSTITCH [ElissaPotier] Shirley The Loon
T.REED10 [Tom Reed] Minnie Mouse
The Enterprise is engaging the Borg. The time is just about when
Riker is about to give order to fire the Enterprise's super weapon
against the Borg ship. (We know it won't work, don't we ?)
In a freak mishap, a malfunction (?) causes (or caused by) the
Holodeck creates a rift between the Cartoon Universe and that of
the Enterprise. The Loony & Tiny Toons decide to help the
Enterprise defeat the Borg.
There is no "Dip" in the Enterprise Universe : The Borg haven't a
chance!
ii Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
CONTENTS
"Bugs Bunny. Earl Grey. Hot." 1
Chapter 1. 3
Chapter 2 23
CARTOON PHYSICS LAWS 38
Chapter 3 45
Chapter 4 65
Chapter 5 87
Chapter 6 109
Chapter 7 133
Chapter 8 157
Chapter 9 181
Chapter 10 199
Chapter 11 223
Chapter 12 249
Chapter 13 273
Chapter 14 297
Epilog. 311
Index 315
Contents iii
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Intentionally Left Blank
iv Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
PREFACE
In the world of Star Trek: The Next Generation, the Enterprise is
about to engage the Borg in battle. Alone, they haven't a chance.
But, they are not alone for long. The toons come to the rescue!
Preface v
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Intentionally Left Blank
vi Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Bugs Bunny. Earl Grey. Hot."
"Bugs Bunny. Earl Grey. Hot." 1
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Intentionally Left Blank
2 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
CHAPTER 1.
Meal break. Lt. Worf exited the turbolift and strode down the
hall toward his quarters. The walk seemed unusually long. His own
voice, as it sounded just an hour ago on the Bridge, rang in his
ears:
"He IS a Borg!"
Though the phrase kept repeating, the Klingon needed no reminder
that Captain Picard had indeed been taken by the beings in the
cube-shaped ship, fitted with cybernetic attachments and drained of
all conscious thought processes other than those the collective fed
him.
IS a Borg -- IS a Borg -- IS a Borg -- IS a Borg ...
Worf slowed his steps. He could not eat; instead of going to his
quarters, he would take a workout. He let out a satisfied grunt as
he approached the door of Holodeck One. No one was using it. A
moment later he was standing at the controls.
"Computer," he barked, "begin program..."
And there he stopped. For some reason, he'd lost the urge to play
Hide-Seek- and-Kill with computer generated monsters. His Captain,
his father figure was gone. Worf was expected to not only cope
with that, but to come up with viable options for rescue at the
strategy meeting scheduled in one half-hour. No, this was no time
for play; but how would he clear his mind?
"Please specify Holodeck program, or free the area for another
crewmember. Others are waiting to use the Holodeck. Would you
like to open a file at this time?"
Worf stared at the panel. How dare the computer interrupt him,
though it was correct protocol. Just to hold his place on the
deck, he ordered, "Open program Worf/Warner Brothers, two."
"Enter when ready."
As the doors parted, the familiar setting greeted the Klingon. A
huge projection screen, complete with proscenium curtains and
gilded cherubs in the background -- closer to the door, a lounge
chair of the perfect size and comfort. As Worf settled into the
chair, a table appeared at his left hand; he watched as a tub of
buttered popcorn and a tall glass of prune juice materialized.
Suddenly hungry again, he crammed a handful of the gooey treat into
his mouth. "Begin."
The ambient light dimmed and flickered out. As a comical upward
crescendo began, multicolored rings leapt onto the screen. The
Chapter 1. 3
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
grinning face of a bucktoothed rabbit appeared next with the
legend, "Bugs Bunny," underneath.
Worf chucked in anticipation. It is a little-known fact that
Klingons love animation -- or as they say in the empire, K'artoons.
As he watched, therabbit outwitted every nemesis while retaining
his dignity and honor (an ability Worf secretly admired).
A thought suddenly occurred to him. He contemplated it while
finishing the popcorn, discarded the idea, then allowed it again
while polishing off the juice.
"Computer! Freeze program!"
It was so crazy it just might work.
"Scan all Worf/Warner Brothers programs. Construct interactive
models of all characters using current parameters. Save as..." he
smiled. "Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg"
The screen and furniture vanished. A moment later, a voice came
from behind.
"Eh, What's up, Doc? Yipe!" Bugs said as he saw the Klingon for
the first time. "Is that a toitle on your head, or are you just
happy to see me?"
Worf slowly circled the furry creature, admiring the details of the
three- dimensional figure, while Bugs munched his carrot and
attempted to remain nonchalant.
"Perfect," Worf muttered, then explained the Borg situation while
the rabbit listened intently.
"No problem, Doc. Now, eh, we better get to that meeting." Bugs
began a shuffle-off-to-Buffalo toward the Holodeck doors. Before
Worf could shout a warning, the rabbit was off the deck and in the
hallway.
To Worf's surprise, Bugs remained intact. "No Holodeck entity has
ever survived outside the deck!"
"Sure, Doc, but I'm a Toon. Nothing can hoit me, and I can do
anything. Now, after you?"
After Worf and Bugs made their way off the holodeck, The computer
kept the program running and more 'toon characters appeared...
"Awright, Where is th' varmint! I'm Yosemite Sam! The ruffinist,
tuffinist cowpoke to ever chew a Borg!" Firing his pistols in the
air, Yosemite Sam followed the procession off the confines of the
holodeck.
4 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
In the mists of the holodeck we can see (or would if we were there)
the outline of a small form. As he draws nearer, we can clearly
see he is looking for something. After a few moments, we can hear
him muttering to himself. He is wearing a tweed jacket and has an
old leather hunting cap pulled over his ears. He seems completely
lost.
Suddenly a large flashing neon sign in the shape of an arrow
materializes:
|\
|\\
______________| \\
| THAT-A-WAY \\
| STUPID! //
--------------| //
|//
|/
"A door", Elmer realizes. "That's what I was weally wooking fowa."
Just as he reaches the corridor, he looks back into the holodeck
and says"Shhhhhhh! Be vewy vewy quiet, we're hunting bunny
wabbits." And he scuttles down the curving hallway.
Suddenly running out of the holodeck was a duck in a sailor suit
who was not even have pants on.
"What's that big idea?" Says the duck.
"Hey Donald! I don't think we should go out there!" A mouse-like
voice said. There were two black arms holding on to Donald.
"Get away, Mickey! I do what I want to do." Two red horns appear
to grow out of Donald's head while he rubs his hands together.
"Take this you stupid rat!!!"
Donald seems to pull a VERY BIG book out of his pocket and hits
Mickey over the head with it.
"I've wanted to do that for a long time. You always got first
billing!!!", Donald drops the book by the unconscious mouse. The
book cover reading How To Exterminate Rodents.
Donald runs down the hall yelling, "Wait for me!!!!"
Another character materializes on the holodeck -- a scrawny little
guy with huge forearms AND NO SQUINT! -- in a sailor suit muttering
something which sounds like, "This must be the place, because I
don't see any other place around here." He looks around, twirls
his pipe, and says, "Well, then again, mebbee not," and marches off
Chapter 1. 5
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
back into the holodeck bit bucket and disappears.
At this moment, the Enterprise takes a shot from the port side
which disrupts all the Intel 90-1000-86 character generation
processors and temporarily shuts down the replicator program.
Meanwhile, on the way to the bridge, Worf is struggling to keep up
with Bugs and does not notice the little red-headed cowpoke drawing
a bead on him from behind...
As the doors to the conference room slid open, Riker glanced at
each of his shipmates, taking silent roll call. Worf, Data,
Shelby, yes -- Beverly, Geordi, rabbit, half-naked duck ...
His eyes narrowed. "There had better be a good explanation for
this!"
"Eh, don't get your knickers in a twist, Doc," said the rabbit,
chomping on a carrot.
"Ska wak wa weh wah wawawawawa," said the middy-bloused duck.
Everyone turned to stare at him. Data began pressing buttons on
the table, attempting to link with the Universal Translator.
Worf glanced around the room furtively. This would be yet another
dishonor. He could feel it in his Klingon bones.
Meanwhile, Elmer Fudd was wandering aimlessly on Deck Six,
shooshing everyone he met and reminding them he was wabbits.
Believing Fudd to be a crewmember who had cracked from the stress
of the Borg encounter, Chief O'Brien had summoned Counselor Troi to
the area.
In 10-Forward, Guinan was attempting to restore order. A tiny man
with a huge red moustache had burst through the doors and was now
shooting off six-guns, claiming to be the "roughest toughest
sidewinder west of the Pecos".
"What can I get you, Stranger?" Guinan hadn't lived so long
without picking up a few tricks of her own.
"Sasparilly, barkeep!" The walking moustache clambered into a
barstool (no mean feat, considering that it was twice his height)
and introduced himself as Yosemite Sam. "Say, that's a mighty fine
hat you've got yourself!"
"So that's the plan, Doc. Turn over command of the ship to me, and
we'll send those metal-brains running."
"Now jutht a cotton-pickin' minute!"
The doors opened to reveal another duck, all black save for a white
ring around his neck. This one was completely naked.
6 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"You're out of your minds if you let that rabbit take over the
ship! Everyone knows the only one capable of running this ship is
me! Whoo-hoo!"
"Now, Daffy, I don't think -- "
"That's your whole problem, Bugsy boy, you don't think. Well, how
about it, bearded wonder? The rabbit or the superior duck?"
Riker stroked his beard, contemplating. He wasn't thrilled with
either the rabbit or the duck, but the argument was convincing --
and either one was better than Shelby.
"All right. Bugs Bunny will act as captain, but just as a
figurehead. No Toon is to take action without my approval, and no
Toon will wander the ship unescorted."
"Philistines," Daffy muttered.
Little did Riker know that over 30 other Toons were now roaming the
halls of the Enterprise.
Geordi's comm-link beeped. "Uh, Commander LaForge?" The voice
that spoke was hesitant. A loud, repetitive, clanging noise could
be heard in the background.
"LaForge here. What's going on, Lt. Gleason?"
"Uh, sir, I don't know <clang> how to -- I mean -- well, sir,
<clang> there's a little creature <clang> of some kind down here
with a huge <clang> sledgehammer. I mean, I don't <clang> know how
he's lifting it, sir, it's <clang> got to be ten times his size..."
"Would you just get to the point, Lt.? What's this creature
doing?"
"Well, sir <clang>, he's hitting the side of <clang> the antimatter
chamber over <clang> and over <clang>..."
"Lt. Gleason, are you sure about this? You didn't just stay out
too late with Ellen last night, did you?"
"I'm positive, sir. <clang> I even asked him what he <clang>
thought he was doing,<clang> and he said the warp drive wouldn't
blow <clang> unless you hit it j*u*s*t right. <clang> I'm getting
kind of worried, sir..."
The conference room burst into a sudden flurry of activity.
Several people spoke at once.
(Riker) - Worf, get a Security Team to Engineering on the double!
Chapter 1. 7
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
(Geordie) - Keep an eye on him, Lt., I'm on my way!
Riker met Troi outside one of the smaller Holodecks and apprised
her of the situation.
"You think you've got it bad," she replied, "I've just had to
confine one to this Holodeck on an endless-loop rabbit hunting
program. Nothing else worked."
Riker shook his head, then something came to him.
"I sense a presence," Troi said.
"Sense or scents?" Riker replied. He didn't have to wait long for
the answer. A furry black and white creature suddenly clamped onto
Troi's arm and began kissing her hand.
"Ah, my belle femme, :: :: ::," said Pepe LePew, "come wiz me to
ze Casbah, :::: :: --"
Troi took off down the hall as fast as she could. Pepe nudged
Riker and winked. "Vive la difference, eh? Wait up, darling! We
must begin with ze wooing!"
And as the skunk pranced down the corridor, Riker blinked hard and
shook his head. No luck. It wasn't a dream.
Meanwhile, in Engineering, the little gremlin was still banging on
the anti- matter chamber. LaForge grabbed the handle of the
sledgehammer.
"Here, let me take a whack at it."
"Be my guest," said the Gremlin.
Geordi took a good grip, wound up, and let fly. Horrified, he
stopped just before the hammer made contact.
"What am I DOING!?!?!"
"Eh, Doc," said Bugs over the comm system, "I'm sending down our
most gifted mechanic. He can fix up anyting."
"Now what," Geordi muttered. Someone tapped him on the shoulder;
he turned and saw a rather worn-out canine type who was smiling
weakly and holding up a sign which read: Wile E. Coyote, Super
Genius, reporting for duty, Sir.
Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius. I like the sound of that. Wile E.
Coyote, SUUUPER GEEENIUS!!
"GET OUTA HERE!!!!!!!" shouted Geordi. The startled varmint
jumped and ran for the turbolift door.Unfortunately, the turbolift
8 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
is manufactured by Acme, and was presently malfunctioning; Wile E.
stepped through the opening into midair, 23 levels from the bottom
of the shaft.
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooooooooooooo >BAM!<
<Um, don't forget to have Elmer captured and assimilated by the
Borg. "Death is iwwelevant, eh eh eh eh eh . . .">
Meanwhile, the little man in the hunting cap was roaming near the
crew's quarters. The oversized double-barreled shotgun he carried
weaved unsteadily before him like a drunken conductor's baton.
"We're going to have wabbit for dinwah tonight" he said
confidently. "Where ARE you, wabbit?"
After passing several closed doors, a voice with a smug Bronx
accent was heard from a nearby wall communicator "Attention all
rabbit hunters! Attention all rabbit hunters! DUCK SEASON is now
open! I repeat, DUCK SEASON is now open!"
The little man stopped in his tracks. "Oh boy, duck season!" He
resumed his steady but resolute hunt. "We're going to have duck
for dinwah tonight. We're hunting ducks for dinwah."
Without warning Wesley emerged from his room and stood frozen at
the sight of the diminutive but brightly colored outline standing
in front of him.
"Who are you?" Wesley blurted out
The man threatened him with the business end of the rifle. For
some reason it swelled to enormous size in Wesley's face. "I'm
Elmer Fudd. Who are you?"
"I -- I -- I'm Wesley" he managed to stammer.
Just then Worf rounded the corner, sized up the situation
immediately, pulled his phaser and yelled "Wesley, duck!"
Elmer looked surprised for a moment, then said "Take that you
wascally Wesley Duck" and pulled the trigger.
When the smoke cleared, Wesley stood, his uniform in tatters.
Blinking eyes were all you could see in his coal-black soot covered
face.
And the little man was gone.
Meanwhile, back in engineering the gremlin had led Geordi and his
staff on a merry chase throughout the section. Suddenly, he
screeched to a halt before a wall covered with various components,
all plugged into their appropriate slots.
Chapter 1. 9
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"A puzzle!" he squealed, as he pulled some of the parts from the
wall, "I like puzzles!"
Geordi dived for the diminutive being. "Why, you...!" The gremlin
slipped from his grasp and, darting up a nearby ladder, disappeared
from sight. "Damn! There's no telling where he'll wind up now!"
He slapped his communicator and began replacing the components
while he spoke. "Commander Riker."
"Riker here."
"LaForge here, commander. That gremlin that was attacking the
antimatter chamber -- he got away from us. Just disappeared up the
aft ladder and out of sight. He could be anywhere by now."
"Wonderful. We'll alert the security teams. With any luck he'll
run into that lunatic rabbit hunter that's running around loose.
That'd be one less problem, anyway."
"Right. Oh, and one other thing, commander. Before he vanished,
he managed to disrupt a few circuits. I'll have everything
restored in a moment, but I haven't sorted out what areas of the
ship were affected yet."
"Got it, Geordi. Give me a full report just as soon as you know
something."
Guinan delivered the fifteenth sasparilla to the little mustachioed
man and gave him a forced smile. She turned from the table just in
time to see Deanna Troi race through the doors and neatly vault
over the bar.
The room came to a dead silence and patrons began sniffing the air.
Some keeled over on the spot. The doors parted again, and Pepe
LePew walked in.
"Where ARE you, my little pigeon? It is me, your space cowboy,
your gangster of amour!"
Noting the top of Deanna's headband popping above bar level, the
skunk smiled. "Ah, zees shy one ... she weesh to play seek and go
hide."
"Out!" Guinan shouted, waving her tray to shoo Pepe back into the
hall. "I'd rather put up with Q than you. Out!"
"He who loves and runs away leeves to love anozer day. Until then,
darling!" And to everyone's great relief, he was gone.
On the bridge, pandemonium. The comm circuits were jammed with
frantic reports from all over the ship ... "It's a mess in the
cargo bays, sir. Somebody's been breaking in to the costumes we're
10 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
transporting for the arts schools on Tocon IV."
"Crusher here, why the devil does my communicator keep asking
"What's up, Doc?" What in blazes is going on up there, Will?!"
The small telltale indicator started flashing on the
security/communications console to warn of an incoming distress
call. A remote outpost had met the Federation's greatest foe, but
everyone was too busy to notice.
Beverly looked up from her desk as her office door wooshed open.
What she saw startled her, to say the least.
Her son was standing there with Worf. Wesley's face was thick with
soot, and his normally neat uniform was hanging from him in shreds.
"My God, Wesley, what happened? Are you all right?" She leapt
from her chair and guided her son into Sickbay to examine him.
"Worf, what's going on?"
Worf looked distinctly uncomfortable for a moment, then Wesley
spoke.
"I'm okay, Mom, really. I came out of my quarters, and there was
this guy standing there; he looked like something out of those old
Earth cartoons you were showing me one time. He pointed a gun at
me..."
"A gun?" She looked up from the readings. "Well, you seem to be
all right. You need a shower and a change of clothes, though.
Worf, I've been hearing about strange things going on all over the
ship, but no one has a straight answer. What is it? Where did all
these cartoons come from?"
This time, Worf, after a moment's pained hesitation, opened his
mouth to speak. Just at that moment, they heard a sound from the
next room, like pieces of metal and plastic falling to the floor
one by one.
In the adjoining room, they found that an access panel on one of
the consoles had been opened, and parts were being thrown from
within to form a small heap on the Sickbay floor. There was no one
in sight, but a small voice could be heard cheerfully humming to
itself inside the console.
They dropped to their hands and knees, and saw the gremlin sitting
inside the console, happily pulling parts out and disconnecting
circuits. He looked up and saw that he had an audience.
"Hello!" he chirped, "It's a lovely day for demolition, isn't it?"
"IT'S THE GREMLIN!!!" bellowed Worf, diving for the diminutive
being.
Chapter 1. 11
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
The gremlin handily jumped over Worf's head, landing on his back,
then circled around to stand by the Klingon's ear.
Cupping his hands around his mouth, he shouted, "IT AIN'T VENDELL
VILLKIE!", then scrambled quickly out of the room and out of sight.
Meanwhile in the Brig, a small yellow bird flies up to a control
panel and says "Oooh, whads dis big wed button do?" He presses it
and suddenly the containment field holding two captured Kzinti
raiders in their cell drops.
A Kzin pops his head out and looks down the hall.
"I tawt I taw a puddy tat!" the little bird says.
The Kzinti step out of their cell and growl menacingly at the bird.
"I deed! I deed taw a puddy tat!" the bird screams, and tries to
fly down the hall. The Kzinti pursues, and, just before they catch
the bird, are hit on the head with a giant sledgehammer.
"Oooh, my little Tweety. Are you okay?" an old lady asks. "I'm
fine, Gwanny! The big mean old puddy tats were gonna EAT me, doe."
"It's okay, Tweety. Let's go home now."
As the Kzinti wake up, they find two black-and-white cat creatures,
obviously not Kzin, staring at them. One is large, the other
obviously a youth. "Hey, fellas, you wanna help us capture a BIG
mouse?" the larger cat asks. They examine the cat-creatures,
decide they feel a certain kzinship with them, and agree to assist.
As they round the corner, however, they're sucker-punched by what
appears to be a giant mouse-like creature wearing boxing gloves.
Upon awakening, they head back to their cell, deciding that this
Federation ship is too dangerous even for warriors. Suddenly they
are picked up by yet another large creature. "Oh, boy! Kitty
cats! I'm going to love you and hug you and squeeze you and call
you George!"
12 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
* * * MESSAGE FROM THE TOON GODDESS FOLLOWS * * *
Pausing for a History Break...
Back in WW2 times, when Warner Brothers was turning out cartoons to
help the war effort, one was made with Bugs facing off against a
Gremlin.
The basics of the storyline: Bugs tours airbase, meets Gremlin
(petite creature wearing a hat that has airplane wings). Gremlin
attempts to blow up bomb with sledgehammer, Bugs takes it away.
Gremlin gets Bugs on plane. Gremlin causes multiple mechanical
failures.
And in case you didn't know, the term "Gremlin" was coined to
explain many minor mechanical problems. I guess they were tired of
using "Jinx".
* * * END MESSAGE * * *
As Data stood before the entrance to 10-Forward, suddenly the door
slid open. Several crewmen rushed out, and then a veritable
stampede followed. One slightly inebriated non-com was trampled
underfoot. The entire area shook and swayed. Panic was present on
every face.
As the last man fled, there was silence. Data stood motionless,
his head cocked in curiosity. Faint music played in the background
-- 'dum-DE-dum da-da- DUM DUM, dum-DE-dum da-da-DUM'. A small
black minah bird hopped complacently out into the corridor. He
glanced at Data briefly, and suddenly Data discovered that he had a
large bone affixed to the top of his head, and that somehow his
left arm and right leg had exchanged places. All of this happened
in a blur too fast for even android senses to follow.
Nodding in satisfaction, the minah bird hopped down the passageway.
The music faded.
Up in the conference room, the debate about appropriate action
continued. Suddenly the door slid open. A large brown ungainly
form with, could it be? , yes, antlers shambled in. His companion
trotted over to the nearest chair and, straightening his aviator
cap, said "I don't like the looks of this at all, Bullwinkle.
These nice folks seem to be having a lot of trouble."
As the squirrel settled into his seat, the black duck continued his
protest about the captaincy of the Enterprise. The rabbit coolly
ignored him.
In the center of the conference table, an hole began to iris open.
Everyone ceased talking, riveted by this unexpected event. Into
the silence echoed the faint sound of 'dum-DE-dum da-da-DUM DUM,
dum-DE- dum da-da-DUM', and a small black minah bird hopped onto
the table's surface. He hopped jauntily to the end where moose and
Chapter 1. 13
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
squirrel were seated, and paused with one foot uplifted, staring
down his long beak at them. He twitched his beak, and they
vanished with two audible 'pops', or rather, the big one 'popped'
and the little one 'pipped'.
Turning about casually, he hopped down the table. The black duck
cringed out of his way, but the minah, perhaps recognizing some
'black bird' affinity, molested him not. [Authorial aside -
professional courtesy among agents of chaos.] The white duck did
not fare as well. At the exact point of the approaching mynah's
next hop, the white duck began to glow strongly, then
incandescently, finally flaring out.
As the afterimages began to fade, the minah could be seen spinning
in a circle, growing smaller and smaller, until he vanished from
sight. For now.
The music faded.
Data had just gotten his limbs back into proper position when the
doors slid open again. The android had no time to react; he was
greeted with a giant, wet sluuuurrrrrppp.
The creature doing the slurping was a huge green serpent, with two
red disk shaped nostrils. He blinked his long eyelashes in
bewilderment.
"Hey! You're not Beany-boy!"
"I have suffered many nicknames," Data replied, "but that one is
new."
Suddenly, both heard a cry coming from the Turbolift. It
distinctly sounded like, "Help, Cecil, help!" The sea serpent was
off in a flash, with Data close on his nonexistant heels.
A little blonde boy with freckles and a strange hat was pinned in
the turbolift by the mynah bird.
"Help, Cecil, help! He's wiping out all the non-Warner Brothers
Toons!"
Data's comm badge beeped. "Eh, Data, Doc, your presence is
required in the conference room immediately."
He had no choice but to leave the Toons to their dilemma.
14 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
*** WE INTERRUPT THIS MESS FOR BACKGROUND INFORMATION ON THE MINAH BIRD ***
There are about 5-6 (?) minah bird cartoons from Warners Bros.
They generally contain the character 'Inki', who is a small African
cannibal boy with a bone in his topknot. The reason these are
infrequently seen is the perception (false, IMHO) that these are
racist cartoons. Actually, Inki is a non-speaking character (all
the minah bird cartoons are non-speaking, I think), who is just
another figure, like the dogs, lions, etc. They're not at all
racist in tone.
Look for titles like 'Inki and the Minah Bird', 'Inki at the
Circus', 'Inki and the Lion'.
The minah bird is a metaphysical toon. If, in the toon world, Bugs
and Daffy are mortals, then the minah bird is a god, and definitely
on the side of Chaos. He can subvert the laws of nature HP2.from
the toons' point of view. When he appears, all other activity
ceases, and all characters present suffer some sort of impossible
action. For reasons never fully understood, his appearance is
always preceded by the music from Mendelssohns Fingal's Cave
Overture and earthquakes, stampedes, etc. His only mode of
progress is an off-beat hop to his theme music. But, nothing stops
him...
Do not tangle with the minah bird. He always wins ...
*** WE NOW RETURN YOU TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED SHOW ***
From outside of the conference room came a shout of "YABBA DABBA
DOO", the doors opened, and a large toon in a construction worker's
type hat (and a vaguely cave-man-like costume) ran in, followed
closely behind by a small purple dinosaur. The dinosaur was barked
and panting much like a dog. General chaos followed.
Worf strides down the corridor back to the conference room.
'Everything was fine when I left', he muses 'what can have gone
wrong in my absence?'
As he rounds the bend, he sees a small box lying on the corridor
floor. Worf glances about, but sees no one. He picks it up.
There's clearly something inside. He opens it.
Out pops a nattily dressed batrachian, with miniature tophat and
cane. It launches into a lively rendition of 'Hello, my baby,
hello, my honey, hello, my Klingon gal', followed by 'The
Enterprise Rag'..
Worf was astonished. He had no idea that frogs had such splendid
voices. Surely this was something new in the galaxy. Why, if he
planned it out thoroughly, he should be able to make millions,
millions I tell you, from this entity.
Chapter 1. 15
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
He surreptitiously shoved the lid back on the box, and tucked the
box inside his uniform. He didn't want to risk anyone else robbing
him of his treasure.
The doors to the conference room opened and Riker was almost
immediately bowled over by the barking purple dinosaur.
"This is just another reason why I should be running this ship
instead of that rabbit," Daffy shouted.
"Wabbit?" Elmer Fudd dashed in and opened fire indiscriminately.
Everyone dove under the table. Data was astonished; under the
table was his evil brother, Lore.
"Ha! I've been down here all along, dear brother. You really
should get into the habit of looking down once in a while."
In the crowded conference room, once more the door wooshed open,
and in walked a little man in a white lab coat followed by a taller
teenage toon boy. The inside of the turbolift had changed, and
seemed to resemble some kind of laboratory.
"Well, Sherman, my boy, this certainly does NOT look like our
proper destination," the little scientist-man said.
Bugs, having seen all this, and the minah bird, too, hunched over
and, sizing up the situation, said conspirationally to the senior
StarFleet officer, "Of course you realize, this means war?"
Guinan sighed as she reached for her dish cloth to wipe the bar.
Things had been rather rowdier than usual in 10-Forward today, and
she found the archaic cleaning technique to be a relaxing, soothing
way to cleanse the mind as well.
Realizing that there was still a lingering "eau de skonk" in the
air, she said "Computer. Increase air circulation and filtration
10% for one half hour." That should do the trick, she thought, as
she expanded her cleaning to include the tables as well.
A moment later, she shivered. Wait a minute, she thought, is it
getting cold in here? Yes, it definitely is. "Computer. Return
air circulation and filtration to normal parameters." She
continued cleaning, keeping a portion of her attention on the
temperature. It wasn't getting any warmer -- in fact, it seemed to
be getting colder by the minute. "Guinan to Commander LaForge."
"Geordie here. What's up, Guinan?"
"Geordie, is there any problem with life support in this part of
the ship?"
"I'm not aware of any. Let me check. No, we show nothing wrong
with the systems on this end. Is there something wrong there?"
16 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Geordie, I'm getting a rapid drop in temperature here in
10-Forward. I'd swear it's at least 10 degrees colder than it was
20 minutes ago, and there's no sign it's letting up."
"Hmmm , I'll get someone up there to check it out. Does everything
else seem okay?"
"Yeah, everything else seems fine. I'll wait for you here."
Geordie didn't notice that Guinan had intuitively guessed that he'd
make a personal appearance for this problem.
"I'll be along in just a few moments then. LaForge out."
No sooner had Geordie signed off, than Guinan heard a sudden rush
of water from behind her -- in the area of the bar. She turned to
see water pouring from the replicators there, endless streams
flowing to the floor as the water was continuously being created in
the replicator's receiving area. A small, green creature with a
hat as strange looking as her own was climbing about the tops of
the replicators, inspecting his handiwork.
"And just what do you think YOU'RE doing?" Guinan inquired,
stepping off the raised platform at the other end of the room on
her way to deal with the gremlin.
She didn't realize that the layer of water on the floor, replicated
at a temperature just above freezing, was starting to solidify in
the still dropping temperature of the room. Her feet flew out from
under her, and Guinan landed spread-eagled, on the floor. She
tried to get up, but her hands and feet kept slipping out from
under her.
The gremlin, meanwhile, was removing access panels from the
replicators and making an adjustment inside each one. Brushing his
hands together with a satisfied look on his face, he jumped to the
floor, and gracefully skated once around the room, with an
astonishing leap directly over Guinan's recumbent form, before
sliding out the door.
Guinan heard Geordie in the hall calling out, "Hey! Stop that
thing! You there, ensign, go after it!". She heard him break into
a run, coming towards 10-Forward, and started to call out to warn
him -- but Geordie reached the door too soon, and with a wild yell
found himself on his back, sliding the length of the room, and
crashing into the opposite wall.
Geordie and Guinan looked at each other in silent bewilderment for
a moment, and then looked toward the door, each contemplating how
to reach it in safety. As they looked, a small, sad-looking, black
and white bird, wearing a knitted scarf and hat, came toddling down
the hall.
Chapter 1. 17
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
When it saw the growing expanse of ice and felt the cold breeze of
air coming from 10-Forward, its face lit up, and, jumping for joy,
it ran into the room, and gleefully began skating about.
Meanwhile as transporter chief O'Brien tried to restructure his
console after some miniscule migit in a winged hat turned it into
spaghetti the doors swished open to admit the ruffest tuffest
hombre in the universe...
"AWRIGHT, mister. Git me o'er to that there box and lets git on
with it. 'POW POW' As O'Brien ducked under the console he
emphatically tried to convince the "hombre" that the transporter
was not working.
"Is that right! Awright mister, I'll give you ten seconds too draw
a gun!" Almost magically an old fashioned paper pad and pencil
appeared next to O'Brien. He quickly grabbed the pad and scribbled
the rough outline of an outdated pistol similar to the one pointed
at him.
"There" He said breathless, "how's this?"
Sam grabbed the pad and held it up to his face for a better look
upon which the drawing fired, leaving his face a blackened parody.
O'Brien used this pause to make his escape.
After The small toon recovered he said "This means WAR!!"
As O'Brien dashed out into the hallway, he nearly ran into a
another toon: this one a muscular man in a leopardskin,
accompanied by an ape and a decidedly curvy woman also in a
leopardskin.
The man was whistling as if to call something to him and saying
"Here, Shep, here boy, c'mon..."
O'Brien asked, "Shep? Is Shep your dog?"
The man replied indignantly, "Shep no dog. Shep elephant!"
The ape added in a cultured Oxford accent, "You haven't by any
chance seen him, have you, old chap?"
O'Brien, reduced to speechlessness, simply shook his head.
"Oh, well," replied the man. "C'mon, Ape, Fella."
O'Brien croaked, "Fella?"
The curvy women replied, "I keep *telling* him my name's Ursula,
but does he remember? Nooooooo ..." And with that, they were out
of sight.
18 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
O'Brien thought to himself, *Elephant? I hope the ship's
autocleaning mechanisms keep working, otherwise, we'll be hip-deep
in ...
Meanwhile, back in the conference room ... "ORDER!" shouted
Riker. But it was no use. What with what had transpired in their
encounter with the Borg, and now this menagerie of animated
characters creating havoc ... He felt a tug on his elbow. "Look,
Doc," said Bugs. "Let me try to stop dis". With that, Bugs
reached into his pocket and fumbled around for a few seconds,
concentrating on its contents. Then, to Riker's surprise, he
pulled out a vintage World War II seargent's helmet and placed it
on his head, then placed his hands on his hips and shouted-
"Ten-SHUN!"
Everybody in the room, human, toon, android, or whatever, quickly
stood bolt- upright.
"Now look here, ya maggots! Enough of dis squabbling! Dere's a
greater enemy out there. And it's up to us to stop dem!"
Bugs turned around and grinned at Riker. "Don't worry Doc, I've
got the situation all in hand ...", he started to say -- until he
felt the unmistakable feeling of a cold metal gun-barrel on his
back.
He turned around and stared Elmer in the face. "Hey, watch where
you're pointing dat thing", he snarled. " I just had this fur coat
dry-cleaned!"
"Now I've got you where I want you, you wascally wabbit!" shouted
Elmer. "Do you have any wast words before I bwast you to
smitherweens?"
"Yes, shoot him, shoot him!" shouted Daffy.
"Well", said Bugs, " I think you're making a terrible mistake in
shooting the duck now."
"Oh no he's not!", yelled Daffy. "He has to shoot the duck now! I
demand he shoots the duck now! Come on, chrome-dome, shoot the
duck now!"
Elmer shrugged his shoulders, then pulled the trigger.
When the smoke cleared, Daffy's bill was orbitting his face at
1,000 miles per hour. He reached up and stopped it in
mid-rotation, then slowly manuevered it until it clicked back into
place on his face.
He then walked over to Bugs, and then, staring him in the face,
said in a low voice:
Chapter 1. 19
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Thankth for the sthour perthimmons, cousthin".
However, there was another happy effect to the shot - the recoil
from the rifle caused Elmer to fall backward, throwing him to the
floor and causing him to drop the gun. Within moments, two
Enterprise security personnel who had heard the shots entered the
room and had Elmer in their grip.
Riker taking stock of the new situation, took the matters into his
hands. "Take Mr. Fudd down to the brig and place him in a holding
cell until we settle the matter at hand with the Borg," he
instructed the security men. "We'll try to deal with him
afterwards".
As he was being led away, Elmer's screams of rage could be heard
down the hall. "You won't get away with this, Wiker! I'll have my
wevenge! I want my lawyer! My NRA wepwesentative! My mommy! And
the same goes for you, you scwewy wabbit!"
"And now", continued Riker, "let's now try to get to the matter at
hand - how we are to rescue Captain Picard from the Borg. And
seeing as how Bugs was able to handle the crisis we had a few
moments ago in the manner he did, he has convinced me that if
anyone can handle our larger situation, he can!"
He turned to Bugs. "What do you intend to do?"
"Well", said Bugs. P. Everybody was waiting for his reply on how
they were to approach the Borg problem. So intent were they that
they failed to see Daffy sneaking out into the corridor and down
the hall...
After losing the ensign Geordie had sicced on him, the gremlin
strolled merrily down the hall, looking about for some more
interesting mechanisms to play with. He turned a corner, and his
internal radar went off like gangbusters.
What he saw before him *looked* like the rest of the beings he'd
dealt with in this strange wonderland of gizmos and gadgets. His
"gremlin senses" told him differently, however. If they could be
believed, the tall, pale-skinned creature before him was actually a
marvelously complex mechanism -- a dream toy for such a one as the
gremlin!
He rubbed his chin thoughtfully as he contemplated his approach.
Yes -- if he climbed the thing's clothing up the back, he sensed
that there was a vulnerable area that he could reach ... piece of
cake!
The gremlin leaned forward, fists clenched, and began his approach.
Faster than human eyes could see, he reached Data's feet and
started his climb.
20 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Data felt a slight tugging at his uniform around the knee.
Puzzled, he looked behind him and down. This must be the gremlin
Geordie mentioned, he thought. Carefully, he reached down and
delicately grasped the nape of the gremlin's neck between the thumb
and index finger of one hand. Then Data brought the gremlin to eye
level to better study him.
The gremlin, who had started squawking and struggling when he'd
felt Data's grasp, now looked the android in the eyes and gulped.
None of the machines he'd ever played with had been able to *react*
to his attacks before! A wave of terror swept through his tiny
body as he tried not to imagine what Data might do to him...
"What do you have there, dear brother?"
Lore walked up to Data and studied the gremlin with interest. The
corner of Data's mouth turned up wryly.
"It is a gift for you, Lore ... here."
Chapter 1. 21
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Intentionally Left Blank
22 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
