U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
CHAPTER 7
Friz, Clampett, Tex, Mike and Tedd were resting at the end of one
of the corridors, taking stock of the situation they were in, when
all of a sudden Bugs and Worf came upon them.
"GUYS!" yelled Bugs with some relief. "Am I ever glad we bumped
into you! Are you all right? Did ya have any trouble?"
Quickly the animators told what they had experienced aboard the
ship over the last hour or so.
"And so you have it, Bugs", concluded Friz. "And the thing is, our
being here has turned out to be very interesting, by studying how
the ship is laid out, we may have found a few interesting chinks in
the armor regarding the Borg and their spaceship. It's too bad we
had all our writing implements confiscated by the Borg, otherwise
we could have added our own line of offence from inside here."
"Well, here -- I almost forgot!"
Bugs quickly fumbled inside his pockets and pulled out the box of
Laurentian Leads he had used previous during his first run-in with
Arnold. Although singed, they were still in working condition.
"Great!" yelled Tex. "These are what we need! Now, let's get
storyboarding! Tedd, what is the first thing we should tackle?"
Suddenly, a metallic sounding roar came from down the hall,
Arnold!
"Uh, does dat answer your question?" interjected Bugs. "I suggest
we take out Reddy Killowatt dere for good before we attempt to go
any furder with the rescue. Got any good ideas for dat?"
"Indeed I do, " said Tex. "Leave it to me, the Master of Toon
disaster!"
Taking a hold of the coloured pencils, he began working in a
flurry. Then just as quickly, he was finished.
"Oh for Pete's sake, Tex!" said Clampett. "Did you have to
conjure up HIM?"
The object of his contempt stood before them : a tiny canine type,
obviously a bloodhound of some sort. His thatch of red hair offset
his stark white body. On his face was a perfectly deadpan
expression.
"Well, it was either him or Screwball Squirrel -= and Screwball,
you know even I had a hard time handling him", said Tex.
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Droopy turned and faced the throng before him. "Hello, all you
happy sci-fi fans," he stated matter of factly. "You know what?
I'm the hero".
"HA! Dot's the funniest thing I haff effer heard!" yelled Arnold,
who had just come running in. "HIM? Against der great Arnold?
GET OUTTA HERE, RUNT!"
With that, Arnold grabbed Droopy and drop-kicked him through the
wall of the corridor, leaving a cookie-cutter perfect outline of
his body as a hole.
"Now, zere will be no more games!" Arnold informed the group. "I
vill now terminate ze lot uff you, starting vith ze rabbit. Any
last vor..."
Arnold suddenly stopped in mid-speech as something knocked his legs
from under him and grabbed him by the throat.
"You know what, Mr. Android, " said Droopy, not a scratch on him
after his previous ordeal. He was looking straight into Arnold's
optical sensors.
"That makes me mad."
* * * * *
Note: A scene of umimaginable & indescribable violence has been
omitted.
A few moments later...
"Yes, you're right -- it was gruesome, wasn't it?"
Droopy was now standing over a packing crate which contained the
mortal remains of the Borg who was once Arnold. Once again, there
was not a scratch on him -- even though the fight was the most
bloody any of them had ever witnessed -- not even Bugs and Worf,
experts at the game, had seen such grace and style in mortal combat
like the little dog had just demonstrated.
"Mr. Droopy", Worf gushed (in awe over what he had just seen) "I
will gladly recommend to Star Fleet that you give a demonstration
of what we just witnessed -- you could be a big help in how to
understand how we could better defend ourselves in similar
situations".
"Oh, now, Mr. Klingon, you're making me blush", said Droopy,
somewhat embarrasssed.
"Uh, we can discuss dat later, fellas", interrupted Bugs. "Now,
we've gotta figure out what we're gonna do next regardin' our
little problem we have here - we've gotta find dis Locutus guy and
134 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"fine-toon" him, den do what we must to cure him - and den, we find
a way to get rid of deze metalline meatheads before dey do any more
damage to our solarized system. Are wese agreed?"
"Agreed", they all said.
"Good", said Bugs. " Now, I also suggets we send some of that
information dat Friz and de udders gleaned from dere unguided tour
back to the Enter prise. Dey could probably make good use of it.
Worf, could you make good use of dat sorority pin and tell Riker
what we just loined?"
"Uh, Bugs", stammered Worf. "I don't think that Commander Riker
knows that I'm here ..."
"Oh, I gets it! AWOL. Well, don't worry, terripin-pate, let me do
all da talkin' -- I'm sure he'll sees it better from my
prospective. Now, shall we all press onward?"
With that, the team made their way down the hall.
Suddenly, a Palkled materialized next to the wooden crate that held
Arnold. "Oh, goody-goody! This must be our lucky day -- even more
android parts!"
* * * * *
As the Supreme Borg watched for the fifth time a replay of the
action that had totally destroyed Arnold just a few moments before,
it was becoming more than obvious that he was not pleased.
"This is LUDICROUS!" he finally spat out at Monty and Marvin.
"Perhaps the most advanced form of Borg yet developed -- and even
heis reduced to scrap metal by a bunch of ambulatory drawings and a
number of inferior organic lifeforms! I -- and what do you think
is so funny, Mr. Max?"
Monty quickly tried to compose himself from the giggle-fit he had.
"I couldn't help but thinking -- those Pakleds are going to be in
for a big sur prise when they put together what's in that crate!
That's pretty funny, isn't.."
"SILENCE!" yelled the SB.
Monty quickly fell silent.
"Seeing as it was your creation that was so readily defeated, I
fail to see any reason for you to gloat! In fact, the only good
thing that came out of this is that the ringleader of all this,
Bugs, is finally on the ship. And though he and his friends have
managed a number of amazing victories over our superior might, it's
now time for ME to take the upper hand."
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Marvin spoke up. "But, your supreme Borgness, how on earth - er,
galaxy - do you expect to overcome such awesome might -- after the
best of what the Acme War Dept. scientists have failed to do?"
"Glad you asked, Marvin -- look at the screen and observe!"
Marvin looked at the scene that the viewscreen had opened up on.
There, a door had opened to the main corridor of the ship. For a
few moments there was no action, then suddenly something came into
view, something so obviously revolting that Marvin's lunch nearly
made an repeat performance.
"Oh, dear SB -- you really wouldn't sic a -a- a-"
"Denebian Slime Devil? One of the most fearsome beasts known in
the entire galaxy? One that crunches heads off its victims faster
than you can say Ozzy Osbourne? One that will tear that rabbit and
his minions to shreds?"
The Supreme Borg smiled a terrible, malevolent smile that glowed --
an effect not unlike a Cheshire Cat from hell within the darkness.
"You bet I would!"
* * * * *
"Really, Hamton, sometimes you go to extremes!", said Plucky.
"Well, I can't help it, Plucky", replied Hamton, as he dusted the
various components inside the hallway cruiser." If I' going to be
staying in this cruiser for very long, I want to ensure that the
enviroment I'm in is clean!"
"I don't mind that," Plucky remonstrated. "It's just -- you've
waxed the instrument panel, you've installed drapes on the windows,
you've reupholstered the seats -- and you've vacuumed the floor at
least three times!"
"Well, so be it, it gives me something to do while we wait for our
next bit of action! Honestly, I can't see why space heroes have to
live like pigs-- er, sorry - slobs!"
"Hey, lay off him, thpace cadet - at least he's putting his idle
time to good use", interposed Daffy, temporarily looking up from
perusing his latest copy of a book on ducks and space travel
entitled QUACKS AND QUARKS. "You could probably learn from his --
hey, (sniff sniff), what's that smell?"
"That? Oh, Hamton's baking bread", replied Plucky sarcastically.
"All the comforts of home for him -- why I wouldn't be surprised if
he ..."
Plucky was interrupted by a sudden tremor that shookthe craft back
and forth.
136 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"W-w-w-ww-what was all the h-h-hhub-bub?," asked Porky.
"I don't know," replied Hamton. "But one thing's for sure -- it
feels like trouble! I just hope it isn't roaches."
"HA!" said Daffy. "It's probably something loose on one of the
legs." He opened the hatch and peeked out.
There was a roar and a sudden movement, the next thing they knew,
Daffy fell in backwards, his appearance startlingly changed -- if a
missing head could be called cosmetic surgery.
"FEARLESS LEADER!" yelled Plucky. "Wha-wha-what could have done
this to you, my ideal, my hero, my ..."
Daffy reached in between his shoulder blades and pulled his head
from out of the cavity within. "I - I - I don't know what that
th-th-thing wath, thpace cadet - all I know is, it's big and huge
and Ugly! That was close -- for a moment there, Ronald Reagan's
entire life flashed before my eyes -- and you know, he did know
about the Contras!"
Just then, the craft shook some more...
* * * * *
The party made up of Bugs, Worf and the animators had been going
down the corridor for a period of time when they came upon a weird
scene.
There was a hideous monster, even more hideous than Vanilla Ice,
shaking what the great hallway cruiser.
"LEAPIN' LEPUS!" yelled Bugs. "What's dat ting dere!"
"That", said Worf, "is a Denebian Slime Devil, perhaps one of the
most dangerous creatures in the entire galaxy -- cunning,
tenacious, hard to get rid of -- and it subsists of a diet of the
heads of its victims."
"Reaaaaly?" asked Bugs. "Listen, Doc, dis thing related to Leona
Helmsley?"
Before Worf could answer, a noise caught all of their attention,
cries of help!
Friz pointed. "There, aboard that strange craft, it's Porky,
Daffy, Plucky and Hampton!"
"No kidding, Sherlock!" shouted Daffy, who had noticed the group.
"Next time when you make such a brilliant observation, at least
give me star billing! But enough of this : this thing is trying
to shake us out of the craft, and it's certainly not to invite us
to a game of old maid!"
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Well, what'll we do?" asked Bugs "Can't you use your phaser,
Worf?"
"The thing cannot be killed easily with a phaser, Bugs. It needs
to be killed in some way with something very powerful -- but what
on this ship could do so?"
Suddenly something began to materialize in front of them, something
that was of human form.
Please, thought Worf, If there is a superior being in the galaxy,
please don't let this be Q! We have enough trouble here as it
is...
Thankfully, it wasn't the immortal pest that the Enterprise crew
had learned to know and loathe -- instead, it was a rather ordinary
looking human, who was tapping at what looked to Worf like a fairly
primitive laptop with the logo "Atari Stacy" written on the lid.
"TOM RUEGGER!" yelled Bugs. "What are you doing here?"
"Well, I heard that you've been using the TINY TOON characters in
this story, and Steven and I wanted to make sure that the
characters were being done justice -- good job so far, fellows!
What's up next?"
"DUCK-KABOB and PORK RINDS if someone doesn't stop this thing !"
shrieked Plucky.
"Uh, Tom - seeing as you're our guest, would you like to help us
out with this predicament we're in?" inquired Bugs.
"Sure thing -- just a few keystrokes, and..."
He began punching a series of line code in the machine.
As if by magic, a pair of whirlwinds -- spinning at supersonic
speed -- appeared in front of the group. Without further ado, they
advanced towards the slime devil.
Hearing the sound of, and feeling the gale force of the whirlwinds,
the slime devil stopped shaking the craft and looked in their
direction -- and a look of fear came across its face.
"KYI KYI KYI KYI KYI KYI KYI!" it screamed as it ran down the
corridor, trying to escape its persuers -- but it was no use.
Within moments, they had fallen upon the slime devil and reduced it
to a pile of bones.
The whirlwinds now slowed down, to reveal two creatures who seemed
to be fairly similar in body structure: practically all head and
mouth, with short limbs and fairly long, razor-sharp teeth. What
differed was that the taller one was a brown-and-tan colour, with
138 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
hair that pointed in a way that looked like horns -- the other,
lime-green, wore a propeller hat similar to that of Beanie's.
"BUUUUURP!" stated Taz as he picked his teeth. "A little tough --
perhaps out of season -- but good, nonetheless".
"I agree", said Dizzy. "Besides, Dizzy still hungry after
polishing off Kzinti prisoners in brig!"
"Thanks, Tom," said Bugs. "Dat settles dat problem -- care to join
us?"
"Afraid I can't, Bugs -- I have to get to a storyboard meeting
regarding next season -- but I'm glad I came by!"
"Adios, Tom", said Tex. "Say hi to Steven for us".
With that, Tom disappeared with an audible POP!
* * * * *
Suddenly, an explosion erupted above our intrepid heros.
Plastiform and conduit fall from above, and Bugs and Daffy are
separated from the others. The dust settles, and Worf calls out:
"Bugs, Daffy -- are you injured?"
Faintly, throught the rubble, he hears Bugs' voice:
"We're OK, doc, nu'tting hit us. Besides, even if it did, we'd be
OK. After all, we're toons!!"
Worf, relieved, and a bit annoyed at himself for his forgetfulness,
dusts off his uniform and assesses the situation:
"We can't get the rubble out of the way, not without making the
area more unstable. The ship will fix itself eventually, but we
don't have the time to wait for that. My tricorder tells me that
there's a corridor to your right that rejoins the one we're in now
in 100 meters. We will meet there. Agreed?"
Bugs looks at Daffy, who is still getting his beak on correctly,
and lets Worf know that's satisfactory. He turns to the right, and
finds a hatchway. He opens it, and unknown to him, an alarm goes
off several levels away. Bugs and Daffy have inadvertently entered
the Borg treasure storage complex. It seems that over the
millenia, the Borg in their many travels have plundered not only
worlds of their technological wealth, but their mineral wealth as
well. Bugs and Daffy were moving down a corridor to it, and the
alarm has alerted the Borg Sentry of the wealth...
HASSAN!!!!
* * * * *
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Now Hassan, mind you, was absorbed into the Borg from a not very
bright race. Sort of like the Pakleds, but less annoying. Hassan,
to get into the corridor leading to the treasure, has to provide a
verbal code to get past the main entrance. But he can't remember
it....
"Open Sasparilla?"
"Open Saskatchewan?"
"Open Shatner?"
"Open Sirtis?"
Meanwhile, Bugs and Daffy move down the corridor, unaware that
Hassan-Borg is aware that they are in the area of the chamber. The
corridor comes to a dead end, and Bugs looks up, and sees a hatch
directly overhead.
"Well, Daffy, it looks like we have to go up now. Care to give me
a boost?"
"YOU a boost? Why should I give you a boost? Why can't you give
ME a boost?"
"Well, If you want to be the one who goes into the unknown, that's
fine with me."
"Oh no you don't!! You're going through first!!"
Bugs shrugs his shoulders, and steps up into Daffy's stirrup. Bugs
opens the hatch, and lifts himself up. It's dark above, and little
is visible. He gives Daffy a hand and pulls him up. They look
around, but it's pitch dark. Daffy is less than happy.
"You realize that this is not the way Ducks are supposed to
travel."
Bugs reaches into his coat and pulls out a match. He strikes it on
the floor, and the light reveals glittering jewels, coins, and
dilitium crystals. Daffy sees this too, and immediately reacts by
grabbing Bugs and jumping on top of him, attempting to force him
back down the hatch.
"It's mine, all mine, get down there, it's mine, mine, mine!!"
Bugs is pushed back down to the lower corridor, and Daffy slams the
hatch after him. His eyes immediately turn into a succesion of
dollar signs, diamonds, and credit vouchers. The old earth tune
"We're in the Money" begins to play in the backround. Daffy runs
up to one of the chests of coins, tripping a light switch in the
floor, and the entire chamber is illuminated. There is treasure in
the room for as far as they eye can see! Daffy is a very happy
140 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
camper.
"I'm rich! I'm wealthy! I'm financially independent! I'm
socially secure!"
* * * * *
Montana Max had been summoned to the chamber of the Supreme Borg.
Feeling very small, he gazed up at the shadowy figure seated behind
the huge desk.
"You have not destroyed the Toons as you said you would," the SB's
voice thundered.
"Well, I, uh, the dog ate my homework," Max blurted. It was the
first excuse he could think of.
"Hmph," said the SB, then tilted his head to the right.
"Ur rah roo ree rah irrelevant rah roo ree," said his right hand
man.
The SB nodded (as he was the only one who could understand this)
and glanced to his left.
"Ree ra roo ruh futile ruh ra ree ruh," came the gentler voice of
his left- hand man.
"You have one more chance," the SB told Max. "But keep in mind if
you fail, I have a horrible punishment in store for you."
"I won't, Sir. Thank you, Sir." Max groveled his way out of the
room.
The SB slowly ran his fingers over an Earth confection he always
kept near, toying the whipped topping into tiny peaks. "Yes,
horrible indeed."
"Roo red rit," said the right hand man.
* * * * *
Some animals {like some birds, cats, dogs, and once in a while, a
human} can leave one place, go very far away, and then come back to
the same place. Unfortunately, Donald was not one of them. He was
lost.
Donald knew his directions: Never, Eat, Soggy, Waffles. But he
took so many twists and turns on this ship that his directions
became flipped around {Waffles, Soggy, Never, Eat}.
He suddenly came to an intersection. Donald was holding Aloura in
his left arm and he scratched his head with his right hand. He was
standing tward the north. "Mmmmm ... which way to go ... mmm
..." A light bulb appeared over his head. Donald snatched it and
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threw it over his shoulder. "Boy, I hate that. They burn my
feathers, they do. But where was I? Oh yeah! Let's go waffles! "
So Donald turned west and walked into a small room. His beak hit
the floor. He was back in the nursery. Donald walked to the far
wall and bagan looking into the little boxes that held the babys.
He saw babyies that looked like they were no older then 3 months
and others who could have been about 10 months old. All had head
implants and some other implants that where attached all over the
body.
Great big tears started to roll down Donald's 'toon cheeks. He put
Aloura in a bed with another baby and he sat down on the floor.
Donald sat there crying like there was no hope for anyone.
"No! No I can't leave you all here. You'll turn into that thing
that wanted to kill me! Waaaaaaa!!" The memory of that unfeeling
borg flooded into Donald's mind. He could not bear the though of
all of these and other children turning into unfeeling creatures.
Since Donald was a 'toon, he loved to see people laugh. He liked
all emotions. But to see something that seemed like it could not
even show emotions almost killed Donald {that is if he could have
died}. He loved children and did not want that to happen.
His head popped up. He started to giggle. "That's it! I'll save
you all! I'll get you all away from thids bad place. Daisy
woulden't mind." Donald's hopped from the floor and started to
pace it. "But how will I do it?"
* * * * *
"Like, you must be bummed out," Shirley the Loon said to Deanna
Troi. "Your mom's here, checking up on you and all. Bad for your
karma. You have to clean out your closet, too?"
"No, nothing that bad..." Deanna managed a tiny smile.
"Like, it's nice for you to act real nice and all, but I can tell
you're upset : your Kirilian energies have all these nasty little
curls on them..."
"No," Deanna said, giving a little shrug, "it's nothing I haven't
done before..."
"Not." Shirley stood up, all four feet of her, and stared up at
the Ship's Counselor with a challenge in her eyes.
"All right!" Troi's usual demeanor broke. "Every time she shows
up, I have to hide all my copies of 'PlayZoid'! Those pinups of
Arnold Schwartzeneger XXV and 'The Boys of Holy Rings of Betazed
Prep' on my ceiling have to come down! And here she comes, looking
for a husband or somebody to get drunk with, calling me 'little
one' and patting me on the head, and making me wear that 'cosmic
cheerleader' outfit because she thinks it's cute..." Troi broke
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
into a sob.
"Aw, like, that's really sad," Shirley said, as she levitated high
enough to pat Troi's shoulders. "We all have our problems, Deanna.
Do you know somebody here called me 'Donald Duck', or some junk?"
Deanna took a breath between sobs. "Well...you do look alike..."
"Oh, get crucial, willya?" Shirley got upset, something rare for
so centered a person. "I'm no duck, I'm a loon! Look, there's no
duck on earth that can do this!" And Shirley levitated herself
into a head-down position, and delicately submerged her head into
an open water-coolant tank, upside-down. And held it there ... and
held it there ...
Deanna stopped sobbing for a moment. She looked down at the
duck...er, loon...and started worrying. "Um, Shirley -- SHIRLEY!"
She started yanking at the bird's upright legs, while the head
stayed stuck in the coolant tank...and then, Shirley came loose,
sending her and Troi into a keister-over-teakettle tumble.
"Like, you see?" Shirley said calmly. "No duck can stay under
water like a loon!" And she giggled.
And suddenly, despite her emotional pain and her ultra-serious
Counselor Attitude, Deanna Troi started laughing too...
* * * * *
"Never...Eat...Soggy...Waffles. Never...Eat...Soggy...Waffles."
Huey, Dewey and Louie, with the help of the Junior Woodchuck
guidebook, followed the corridors of the Borg ship. Once in a
while, a curious Borg would stop and stare at the three ducklings,
but as they had not been on the ship that long, the nephews had not
been placed on the "Seek and Destroy" list yet. They were allowed
to roam unchallenged.
Suddenly, they stopped. A familiar sound was coming from one of
the chambers at the end of the hall. They ran toward the door and
gasped.
"Unca Donald!"
* * * * *
Meanwhile, back in the vicinity of the Borg Treasure Chamber...
Daffy had been doing half gainers into the coinchests, but has
gotten himself organized and is collecting up loot and preparing to
move it out.
Meanwhile, we rejoin Hassan, who is still working on that elusive
code...
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Open Stewart?"
"Open Septagenerian?"
"Open Seasame?"
"Open Seasame Street?"
The hatch opens, and Hassan immediately enters the chamber, looking
for the intruders, yelling "HASSAN NEUTRALIZE" while wielding
something that looks like a scimitar, yet is infinitely more
powerful. He comes upon Daffy, who is nonchalantly pushing a full
minecar (don't ask where it came from) filled with coins, gems, and
dilithium. Hassan immediately brings the scimitar down on Daffy's
head, and a jolt of energy fires out of it. Daffy is bathed in an
eerie light, but Hassan has a puzzled look on his face. It's not
working the way it's supposed to, then he sees why. Daffy placed a
chunk of Dilithium under his miner's helmet, which diffused the
charge. So Daffy is just slightly dazed, not neutralized, as
advertised in the Borg Energy Charged Primitive Weapons
Replicas catalog.
Daffy collects himself (a few atoms had been scattered by the
blast, most notably his bill) and does an about face and runs back
down the corridor. He runs into Bugs.
"Hide me, he's a madman!!"
"What seems to be the problem?"
"Do you remember the Big Guy we ran into doing that "Shiek of
Araby" picture years ago? The one you sent up the rope to get rid
of?"
"Yeah, what about him, Doc?"
"Well, he's RIGHT BEHIND ME!! Now I know where he went : the Borg
got him and now he's guarding all these goodies. All the dubloons,
tribloons, and quadubloons..."
"Don't worry, I'll handle it..."
* * * * *
Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge sat in the command chair on the
bridge of the Enterprise and worried. The Borg ship was clearly
one of the causes, but Geordi wasn't worried for the Federation, or
even his life, but his career. As high-ranking personnel were
diverted from their regular duties to deal with the crisis, junior
members of the crew were being required to take on more
responsibility.
Geordi had never as much as touched the command chair before, and
he was quite uncomfortable with the idea that something might
144 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
happen while he was in "command".
"What am I going to do if they attack?", he thought. "This command
stuff is not for me". Geordi measured the microseconds. "I wish
Commander Riker would get back up here. He said it was only going
to be for a few minutes, and that was two hours ago."
There was a muffled exclamation from the ready room. Of course,
Captain Picard was probably more worried than he was. Geordi sure
wouldn't want to be in his shoes. Wait a minute! Captain Picard
was held captive on the Borg ship! And besides, no one had entered
the ready room since Geordi taken the con.
The door in question hissed as it slid aside and a pale, uniformed
man with orange hair bolted out, his right forearm held at a
forty-five degree angle in front of him. His eyes darted left and
right, surveying the bridge, taking in each detail and person, and
especially Geordi, with whom the man seemed particularly upset.
"What the devil has happened here?", he snapped in Geordi's general
direction, but evidently the question was rhetorical, for the man
did not pause for an answer, but instead strode towards the turbo
lift. He eyed it suspiciously as he neared, as if he expected to
attack him, but it merely opened, and, satisfied, the man entered,
and was gone.
The other members of the brige crew looked at each other in
puzzlement for a moment, then at Geordi. The engineer squirmed
under the scrutiny. They clearly expected him to do something, a
situation he had hoped to avoid. "That was very strange, even for
deep space patrol", he thought. "I wonder if I should call
security. If that was a Borg - and I don't think it was - security
is only going to be able to take notes, and there's enough going on
aboard already. On the other hand, if he's a a Melkot, or
whatever, he needs to be detained. Ah, well", he sighed, and paged
security.
* * * * *
Three hours later, security had not laid eyes on the stranger, and
it was time to change shifts. Geordi could not have been happier
if the Borg had sudenly decided to become Amway dilithium salesmen.
His only problem was to designate someone else to take the con, as
all other command personnel seemed to be kidnapped, on away teams,
on shore leave, sick, possessed, lost in the transporter,
transformed, mechanized, deified, or otherwise unaccounted for.
Eyeing the members of the watch coming on duty, he noticed two
crewmembers of unfamiliar species -- a felinoid at Tac/Com and some
kind of tri-symmetrical being at Nav.
"A three-legger, huh?", he thought. "I wonder how his knee joints
function... they'd probably have to be ball joints, but if you
wanted 360 degree mobility... well, he'll do." Speaking, he waved
the alien over. "Helmsman... uh...
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"Lt. Arex, reporting, sir."
"Um, yes, Lt., ah, take the con until further notice."
"Aye, sir. Where is the captain?"
"Lt., he's been kidnapped, taken to the Borg ship, and had a mind
and limb refit. Where have you been?"
The alien was taken aback. "I... I don't know. This is awful,
sir. How could this have happened to Captain..."
* * * * *
(closeup of yelling face) "Kirk! My name is Kirk and I am the
captain of this vessel!".
(pull out to wide shot) Kirk tried once again to either reason with
the security team or strike their heads repeatedly against the
nearest unyielding surface, but was having difficulty accomplishing
his second alternative, since he was being carried aloft by
Lieutenants Green, Kyle, Daystrom, Decker and Noguchi, burly
security men all.
"I'm ... losing control! I'm losing control of the Enterprise..."
"I swear", said Kyle to Noguchi, the leader. "I had no idea he was
a 'toon. If you hadn't pointed out that stiff motion and the funny
eyes, he woulda fooled me."
"Yeah, he's close, I'll give 'im that." Noguchi grunted as a boot
caught him in the stomach. "So, since this is the first 'toon I've
run inta that's a nut case in terms I unnerstand, I figger we'll
throw him inta da brig until he can - oof! - center himself. Here
we go... one.. two... THREE!"
Kirk was hurled into the cell, and although he bounced off the far
wall with startling speed, the force field was still up by the time
he reached the opening.
"I will see you courtmartialed for this!", Kirk hissed.
"Buddy, I hate to break it to you,", said Noguchi, "but the captain
of this ship is Jean-Luc Picard, and I have no idea who the heck
you are."
Kirk blinked. He wasn't sure which upset him most: that he wasn't
acknowledged as the captain, the security officer didn't recognize
the name "Kirk", or that a Frenchman was in command. "Well, then",
said Kirk, oozing reasonableness, "which ship is this?"
"This is the Federation Starship Enterprise, NCC 1701-D".
146 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"D?"
"Yeah, you know, it's the fifth ship with the name Enterprise, if
you count the first...". Noguchi trailed off and his jaw kind of
hovered a moment. "... the first Enterprise, which was commanded
by Captain James T. Kirk."
Kirk grinned. "Guess whooooo?"
Daystrom pulled Noguchi aside. "You mean this is that Kirk?".
Kirk nodded, pleased. Now he was getting somewhere.
"The maverick?"
Kirk polished his fingernails against his tunic. His obnoxious
grin began to creep toward his ears.
"The one who couldn't follow an order to save his life, or anyone
else's, for that matter?"
Kirk's grin ceased its ascent up his cheekbone.
"The one with Star Fleet's record for highest losses among
Security?".
The other men grumbled and looked at Kirk with undisguised
loathing. Kirk's grin started to turn brittle, and his hand slowed
upon his tunic.
"The one who thought the Prime Directive was to father illegitimate
children, even with species that don't have two sexes?"
The grin gave up the climb as a bad job, and decided to seek safer
altitudes. The fingernails decided that they were shiny enough.
"This is the Kirk, as in, 'it used to be a nice planet, until they
kirked it'?"
Okay, Kirk was becoming vexed now. Yes, definately. There was
that red mist thing again.
"The one who told the Klingon diplomat to gnarrk his kvath?"
"Now, wait a moment", Kirk objected. "That was taken out of
context."
"Yeah, I think it's supposed to be him. The Kirk that almost
destroyed the Federation. Either him or Col. Green, I get them
confused."
* * * * *
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While Daffy cowers out of sight, Hassan approaches, still screaming
"Hassan Neutralize!". He comes up upon Bugs, and finds him inside
a bottle. He immediately prostrates himself infront of Bugs...
"I am GEnie, the light brown hare. Release me, and I shall grant
thee a rich reward!", says Bugs, a little distorted due to talking
through the glass.
Daffy is observing all this from his hiding place...
"I don't believe this! Neutralize him!!"
Hassan, however, is not distracted. The Borg never quite
completely integrated him into the mass mind, for fear that he
might contaminate it with his forgetfullness and gullibility.
"Oh mighty Genie, Hassan will set you free!"
Hassan then zaps the bottle into nothingness, and Bugs is released.
"Thank you Hassan! For your reward, would you like all of this
treasure to be yours?"
"Oh yes, master. Hassan like. HASSAN LIKE!!"
"Very well, then."
Bugs then begins to go into contortions, while invoking an
incantantation.
"Ziggedy, Zaggedy, Zook, Iggidy, Aggidy, Ook,Ah-Ah, Eek Eek, Ah-Ah,
Meek Meek, Ah-Ah --- It's yours!"
Hassan's eyes light up in a series of dollar signs, diamonds, and
such, and he leaps up and takes a swan dive into the nearest chest
of coins.
Daffy is not terribly impressed. He comes out of hiding, looks at
Bugs, and speaks with him.
"Ziggedy Zaggedy Zook, I'm sure."
Bugs ignores him, then looks down the corridor.
"Darn it, that connecting corridor to Worf should be around here
someplace. I knew we should have taken a left turn at
Albequerque."
Bugs' contemplation is interrupted by a blood curdling scream. He
sees Daffy running for his life, carrying a huge dilithium crystal.
Hassan is in hot pursuit.
148 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"HASSAN NEUTRALIZE! HASSAN NEUTRALIZE!!"
"Bugs ol' buddy, ol' Pal, save me! I can't help it --- I'm just
naturally greedy! It's just one crystal, after all!"
"Ok, Daffy, I'll save you again, get over here", and he directs
Daffy to a small hatch in the corridor. During his contemplation
of how to link back up with Worf, he'ld noticed two hatches : one
with nothing in it, and the other with an ACME Interdimensional
Transport Device, the model that needs a scimitar shaped power
source to work. Hassan's weapon will do nicely.
Hassan comes up upon Bugs. Bugs, having thought quickly, is clad
in a mechanical exoskeleton not unlike that of a Borg. Hassan's
programing, as rudimentary as it is (to avoid bringing the Borg as
a whole down to his level), stops and stares at Bugs. If he
were a Borg, Hassan would be able to pick up some subtle signs in
his circuitry. Hassan is confused, and looks at Bugs with a
marvelously dopey look...
* * * * *
"Admiral, we managed to receive the command transmission from the
Enterprise, but we feel the Borg have heavily tampered with it.
They may have inserted material intercepted from ancient Earth
television broadcasts."
"Explain!" roared a tense Admiral Hussein.
"It's easier to just show you, sir." The nervous young lieutenant
dropped the tape into the module and tapped a "playback" control.
All eyes turned to the viewscreen, and Admiral Hussein's jaw
dropped in surprise.
"This is Commander Riker, our position is .69 parsecs from Wolf
359. So far, we've been able to keep the Borg busy and delay them
from proceeding to Sector 001. We're trying to implement a plan --
just a moment, Bugs, this is a vital transmission and the longer
we're on the air, the more time the Borg have to decode it! We've
employed a quite unique technology. If it works, I feel the
Federation may owe a great debt to the purveyors of this
technology. Respectfully recommend a planet be located for them to
reform, along with a good supply of Genesis pencil crayons. Will
keep you posted, Riker, on the Enterprise, out."
Hussein, sitting with dizzy puzzlement, personally ran his hands
over the controls and began playing the fuzzy, interference-plagued
signal. Strange, he thought. The character on the right looked
like a rabbit. It also looked strangely attenuated -- sharp
outlines, little color variation -- and the figure seemed to have
been munching on something. In the background, Hussein was able to
spot what looked like a duck, the most enormous duck he'd ever seen
on or off of Earth, and with a tremendous amber beak.
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Is this all we got?" Hussein asked the lieutenant.
"We also got a sub-carrier with more detailed information. It's
still going through additional enhancement and decoding, but from
what we've got so far, Captain Picard was found by an away team --
attached to the Borg mind through implants, and unable to function
by his own free will."
"God help him," Hussein muttered. "But this visual message is
still puzzling. Was that a rabbit? He called it 'Bugs'."
"We're running the visual through enhancement, too, sir. It'll be
another hour or so."
"'Genesis pencil crayons', what in Gods name does it mean?
'Genesis pencil crayons', for what?!"
* * * * *
"Hassan, you seek the duck, do you not?"
"Hassan seek, and Hassan will Neutralize!"
Bugs positions himself in front of the hatch with the
interdemensional transport device, Chuck Jones patent pending.
"He's not in here, He's not in here!"
Hassan would normally be fooled by such a ruse. But then that Borg
circuitry kicked in, caused a feedback loop error, and Hassan goes
for the hatch Bugs is in front of, pushes him out of the way, and
opens it -- only to be sucked into the interdimensional portal, and
wisked away to some distant place. Perhaps Pismo Beach!
"Okay, Daffy, you can come out now. He's gone."
"He's gone? I'm rich, I'm wealthy! I'm comfortably well off!"
And Daffy returns to the treasure chamber, and proceeds to collect
up all the loot. Bugs, on the other hand, has found the way out to
Worf.
"Daffy, I've found the corridor. We need to split!"
"I'm busy! I'll catch up with you later!"
"Well, I offered. Worf, we need to press on!"
Worf is a bit concerned about the delay, and all the muffled sounds
he heard.
"Are you undamaged? Where is Daffy?"
150 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Daffy is a lost cause. He found a bunch of coins and gems and
stuff, and is collecting it all."
Now Worf is a bit puzzled, why would anyone need such things? A
replicator can give you anything you want.
So Bugs and Worf go on their way. Meanwhile, Daffy is collecting
up as much loot as possible. He finds a large bin and loads it all
into it, hoping to transport it later.
"Well, that seems to be all of it. I'll make one last check to
make sure I havn't missed anything."
Daffy does a quick once over, and finds a crystaline and shiny
metal encrusted container, shaped something like an oil lamp. He's
not impressed by it.
"Shine it up a bit, and maybe it'll bring a few credits on the open
market..."
Suddenly, a gaseous cloud shoots out of the lamp and forms a
humanoid image, and begins to speak...
"Thank you, O master. You have freed me from the lamp, your wish
is my command!"
Daffy, however is not taking any of this.
"Oh No, you don't -- you just want my treasure! Well it's mine, I
say, mine! Back, back, back, down, down, down, mine, mine, MINE!"
With this Daffy jumps on top of the cloudbeing, which is remarkably
solid for a gaseous creature, and forces it back into the lamp.
Suddenly there is a flash of light, and Daffy is thrown backward
against the wall. The creature reemerges, but is malevolent and
threatening, and again speaks :
"Targ, you have violated the dignity of an Ikonian tranmutation
spirt! Prepare to face the consequences!"
Daffy is nonplussed. "Consequences, shmonsequences, as long as I'm
rich.", and he walks away.
Suddenly, arcs of light eminate from the cloud, and engulf Daffy in
what seems to be an electrical charge. The chamber is bathed in
light, and we leave Daffy as he twiches in some sort of Ikoninan
transformation.
* * * * *
Counselor Troi shook her head, and pulled herself off the ground.
One of her best features was taking quite a beating, and this shift
wasn't over yet.
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"C'mon, you super-duper brainy people," Elmyra said with a cute
flip of her pleated white cheerleader skirt, "we gotta go find our
buddy-wuddies, and get out of this icky place."
Shirley the Loon's beak twisted into a grimace for a moment, then
she shrugged. "Like sure, why not? I mean, we've been beating our
heads against these GRO-dy walls too long. We could use some more
brainpower, or some junk."
"I think," Troi said, descending to colloquialism, "your 'junk' is
correct. Let us go, but please, be careful..."
"Careful? Don't be silly, Betazoidy-woidy..." (Deanna winced at
hearing Elmyra saying this) "...they made me a Borgy-Worgy, then
they fried me, what else could they do--?"
Elmyra came to an intersection in the Borg ship and froze. Her
face turned ashen. Worse, her face turned into stone. Her one
uplifted foot froze into position and turned grey. She tilted back
and fell over, making a KLINK! as she rocked back and forth on the
ground, a literal statue.
Troi froze, out of fear. This was something quite beyond her
understanding. Shirley stepped around Troi, her eyes wide as
dinner plates (they were usually wide as saucers). Then, her
eyelids closed in a knowing look.
"Oh. Big deal." Shirley cleared her throat and yelled, "Hey,
FI-fi! PEP-e! Like, Turn Off The Juice, 'kay?"
Around the corner, two wide striped tails - one purple, one black -
swished the remaining, yellow-green fumes out of the corridor.
"Mai oui!" Fifi le Fume uttered, as she turned the corner. "Un
gran apologment, Shirlee! We set up our own versio'n of un force
field, nes' ce pas?"
"Like, we two are centered enough that no apology required, but
look at poor Elmyra there," Shirley said. "You're gonna be working
that karmic load off for a while, fer sure."
"Ah, bien," said the deeper, Chevalier-like voice of Pepe le Pew,
as he glanced down at the prone body of Elmyra. "Already, she is
returning to her -- how you say? -- disgustingly cute form. Eh!"
he uttered, seeing the jumpsuit-clad form of Troi. "We meet
a-GAIN, mademoisele le empath!"
Troi's eyes opened wide, and she took one step backwards, but Pepe
did not chase, he merely took her wrist and gently kissed her hand.
"Do understand, mademoiselle Troi, zat once I 'ave chased and
caught, I must be off to chase once more, eh? No 'ard feelings,
eh?"
152 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Troi smiled and said, "No 'ard -- um, hard feelings, Messieur le
Pew." Her smile was genuine, of all the men she had dated, he
certainly had the most personal charm and consideration --
counterweighted only by his odor and his ink-and- paint surface.
"An' now..." From that infinite "back pocket" of props all Toons
have, from which they can pull a seemingly endless supply of props,
Pepe drew forth an old American Army helmet, circa 1991, bearing
the legend "Desert Stink." He squared his jaw. "We go to fight ze
battle to end all battles...we go to fight ze bosch Borg!"
Elmyra, just becoming conscious after her gas attack, shook her
adorable curls. "What's all this about Boxed Borcht?"
"Like, come on!" Shirley said, dragging Elmyra behind her. "We
gotta face the Dark Side, the Big Hole, the Scientists of Gizmonic
Institute, or some junk!"
Troi followed - her eyebrows arched more than they had ever arched
before.
* * * * *
"Huey! Dewey! Louie! How did you boys get here?"
"Launchpad landed us on the other ship," Huey (or was it Louie?)
began.
"And we split up to try and find out where we were, " Dewey (or
maybe Huey) continued. "We came to this weird room with a little
stage and lots of circles on the floor."
"And a control panel. And you know what the Junior Woodchuck
guidebook says," offered the nephew in green.
"When in doubt, start pushing buttons!" the three chorused.
"That must have been a transporter room," Donald muttered, amazed
at the fact he knew it. "Boys! We've got to save these Borglings!
I need your help. What does your book say?"
* * * * *
"Mr. Data, play the message again," Riker ordered.
Data pressed a button on the conference table. The image of the
Supreme Borg flashed onto the viewscreen.
"We will assimilate all humans for service to the Borg," the SB
said.
A white furry paw appeared on the left side of the screen, and
unintelligble words followed. The paw's gesturing indicated that
whatever was attached to it was speaking.
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Resistance is futile. You cannot escape."
A furry black paw appeared on the right side of the screen, and its
owner grunted and growled in agreement with the SB's comments.
"Surrender now and submit peacefully," the SB said in a mechanical
tone.
"Freeze the image," Riker said.
"You know," Geordi said, "I swear I've seen the Supreme Borg
before. But I can't place him."
"And why is he, out of all the Borg, wearing that huge bow tie?"
Riker mused.
"Perhaps it is an indication of rank," Data offered, though he
thought it looked awkward.
Geordi began a scan through the Enterprises' history banks, trying
to find a match for the Supreme Borg's face.
"Computer," Riker ordered, "fast-forward to the next sequence."
In the message that followed, all that showed on the screen was a
huge shadow of a humanoid/Borganoid form. Thin columns radiated
upward from the figure. A booming voice spouted the usual drivel
about resistance being futile and surrendering peacefully.
"It is intriguing," Data said, "that the thin vertical lines in the
shadow may represent feeding lines, or hydraulic tubes."
"Or strings," Geordi mumbled, then slammed his hand on the table.
"Ho-ly..."
"What is it?" Riker asked.
"I know who the Supreme Borg is. It has to be."
* * * * *
"Who?" Riker almost shouted. Geordi pointed at the tabletop screen.
"Look at this. According to the Earth memory banks, circa 1960,
the Supreme Borg is a former television entertainer known as Soupy
Sales! And the other beings are White Fang and Black Tooth,
respectively."
Geordi ordered the ship's computer to run a clip of the old video.
The resemblance in voice, manner and appearance was unmistakable,
right down to the strange neck gear.
"Then the Borg have been assimilating humans since the 20th
century," Data breathed. "Fascinating."
154 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"And frightening. Geordi, see if you can match the image of the
Grand High Borg's shadow with anything in the memory banks.
Anything!"
Note: For the edification of you young whippersnappers, White Fang
and Black Tooth were two hand puppets that looked just like big
claws of two gigantic cats. That's all you saw of them. White
Fang was the hostile one, always hitting Soupy with pies, while
Black Tooth was the sweet, mewling, friendly, and therefore
useless-for-comedy one.
Data said, "Excuse me, Geordi. I seem to recall something about
this Soupy individual." He stepped to the computer terminal and
said, "Access all information concerning 20th Century individual
known as Soupy Sales...increase speed... increase to maximum..."
Data turned away from the terminal. "That is it. Upon one occasion,
in 1960 A.D., Soupy Sales asked small children to search their
mothers' purses for green pieces of paper, and mail them to him.
The pieces of paper were dollar bills, the currency of the time..."
"Yeah, I know," Geordi said. "You don't mean to tell me that
children actually mailed him money!"
"Over two thousand, within the viewing audience of the United
States of America." Data nodded dispassionately. "He was
publically reprimanded for making such an appeal to innocent
children."
Geordi's jaw clenched as he pondered this fact. "But ... he
discovered he could control intelligent beings -- or children, at
any rate -- and he discovered he liked it! That's his motivation,
Data! He's found a way to make all of us send him our dollar
bills..." His head glanced at Data, about to make some obvious
question. "In the metaphorical sense, I mean."
* * * * *
The team walked along the corridor of the Borg ship. It was quite
a strange crew. At the head of the pack was Pepe Le Pew, and
trailing was Fifi Le Fume. They had two of the few operating (and
all-natural) weapons in the group. In the middle, Shirley the Loon
levitated along. Counselor Troi, tiring of levitation for the
moment, did her incredibly sexy walk -- a walk which Elmyra
attempted to imitate (and failed).
Suddenly, down the corridor, Babs and Buster Bunny (no relation)
came hopping as fast as their oversized peds would take them.
"Hey, guys, listen up, we've got some strategy info for you. They
don't wanna use communicators, to keep it quiet, so bundle up
close."
The team, with the new additions, went into a huddle. Frantic, but
indistinguishable, whispering went on amongst the Toons and the
Chapter 7 155
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
human. Suddenly, Babs popped her head out of the huddle and looked
around. "Wait a minute? Where's Pepe?"
Then, she spotted the black-and-white skunk. She sighed heavily,
and drew in a deep breath. "Pepe," she said, "I realize you're my
senior, as Toondom goes. And because I'm a Tiny Toon, I can
understand libido in a way that other Toons might not. But, could
you take a cold shower or something and get serious?"
"Ah - pardone-moi." Blushing heavily, Pepe stopped regarding the
bent-over Toon and human females, and joined the men on the other
side of the huddle.
They stayed like that for a full minute. At about that time,
Counselor Troi lifted her head from the huddle -- as if she was
sensing something especially troubling. And her eyes opened almost
as wide as a Toon's.
"Surrender. Resistance is irrelevant."
Every neck in the huddle tensed up, the heads slowly lifted, and
the horrified pairs of eyes saw the calm, unemotional, dead white
face of the being called Locutus.
* * * * *
156 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
