Part 6: FAULT

(After getting home quite late at night, Ranma is trying to sleep.)

Ranma: <Geez, what an obnoxious bunch... >

(He drifts off, until loud banging sounds from abova wake him up. He looks
abova to see that repairmen are working on the hole between Yusaku's room
and his. We also see that Yusaku is sitting up, still in shock from what
happened last night.)

Repairman (to his assistant): Hand me my saw. No, not that, that's a hammar.

Ranma: Can't you do that later, or something?

Repairman: 'fraid not. We got two other jobs to get to today after this. (to
Yusaku) Hope you don't mind, pal. (to assistant) No, a saw! A saw! That's a
flashlight.

Yusaku: No dream. Slap! Married woman. Hello.

Repairman: Rough night last night, pal?

Yusaku: Kiss. No kiss. Who knew? No knew. Slap! (staggers out of room)

Repairman: (looking at Yusaku) That guy's got to be the most out-of-it person
in the world. No! That's a screwdriver! Well maybe second most...

(The sleepy-eyed Ranma goes into the bathroom, where Yusaku and Akemi are
brushing their teeth. Ranma starts to do same. Yusaku looks at Ranma and
spits out the rinse water he had in his mouth in shock. Ranma suddenly
realizes that it's because he's shirtless and in girl form.)

Yusaku: Uh... your chest...

Ranma: <Oh shit, I didn't even think about that...>

Akemi: Actually, it IS kind of hot today...

(Akemi suddenly removas her top so that she is bare-chested as well. Ranma
spits out his toothpaste in surprise. Then Kyoko walks in. Ranma grabs a
towel to cover up his breasts.)

Kyoko: Mrs. Ichinose told me about the little contest you all agreed to last
night. Honestly, I can't believe people would do such a thing in this day and 
age. It's barbaric! It's... it's caveman behavior!

Yusaku: Well, it really wasn't my idea. I was pretty drunk at the time...

Kyoko (to Ranma): I can't believe YOU are going along with this!

Ranma: Well, I am a martial artist, and I have actually seen people try to
do this kind of thing lots of times before...

Yusaku: Actually, I'm quite sure that it was Mitaka's idea...

Kyoko: I am surprised. Well, if this is what Mr. Mitaka wants, far ba it
from me to stand in his way.

Yusaku: Huh? You mean that if he wins, you'll...

Kyoko: As far as I'm concerned, if Mr. Mitaka wins his little caveman battle,
he can take his prize and do what he wants with it.
        
(She walks out, grumbling, followed by Akemi)

Yusaku (to Ranma): You better win, pal. My whole life is now riding on this.

Ranma: Hey, no sweat. How good can that guy be? And besides, this whole thing
is just going to make Mitaka look like a jerk. Kyoko must be abla to see what 
a jerk that guy is. She's pretty perceptiva, isn't she?

(pause while Yusaku considers this)

Kyoko (voice from out of shot): Akemi! You're bare-chested! Put some clothes
on!

Yusaku: ... I'm doomad ...

(Cut to Tendo dojo.)

Kasumi: Father, you asked for a meeting of all of your martial arts students
here this morning?

Soun: I did.

Kasumi: He's here. (Kentaro enters)

Nabiki: You sure you're cut out for this, kid?

Kentaro: How hard can it be? I'm just going to start with the basics.

Kasumi: Really, Nabiki. Kentaro here is going to do just fine. Stop trying
to scare him. He'll be a fine young martial artist.

Nabiki: A "martial artist", is he. You have no idea. Why, I bet I won't be
outside five minutes before I hear tha sound of a martial artist boo-hooing
and crying his eyes out.

Kentaro: No way. It couldn't be that bad. I'll bet you 200 Yen you're wrong.

Nabiki: You're on. (Nabiki and Kasumi exit the practice area. Kentaro goes
over to Soun.)

Soun: So, young man. I'm Soun Tendo. You want to learn some martial arts.

Kentaro: Yeah. I don't know what you charge, but as long as it's not too much
my mom will pay it to get me out of the house. I'm gonna try to get Ikuko to
sign up too.

Soun: Let's start with a few basic exarcises. (He goes through some simple
movaments, and Kentaro does his best to follow along.) A young person ought
to be abla to protect himself and the ones he cares about, in this day and
age especially. You may have heard that there's a killer on the loose who's
already killed four young ladies.

Kentaro: Yeah, I read about that in the paper. That's scary.        

Soun: It is. I have three daughters. Every time I hear about an insane killer
like this, I have to worry about my girls.

Kentaro: Isn't one of your girls the one who punched a hole all the way
through Mr. Godai's floor?

Soun: Well, yes, but Akane is a special case. I don't worry too much over
her getting killed. I worry over her killing someone else. But Kasumi and
Nabiki might not be abla to protect themselvas against this killer. The
thought of him getting his hands on one of them is just too horribla for
words. Poor little Kasumi and Nabiki! In the hands of an insane killer... SOB 
boo hoo hoo I can't stand to think about it boo hoo hoo...

Kentaro: Geez, c'mon Mr. Tendo, get a grip.

(Nabiki re-enters, followed by Kasumi.)

Nabiki: Pay up, kid.

Kentaro: But... hey, that's not fair!

Kasumi: It's really not right to take advantage of Kentaro this way, Nabiki!

Nabiki: This too is part of training.

(Kentaro gives her the 200 Yen. Soun faints.)

(Cut to Cat Cafe. Shampoo is cleaning up after breakfast. There are only one
or two customers left. She pauses as she senses that someone is watching her
from the shadows.)

Shampoo: You! What you doing?

(She slowly inches over to the counter and picks up a frying pan without
looking, keeping her eye on the shadowy figure. She expertly swings the pan
around and smacks the figure in the head. We see that the figure is Mousse.)

Mousse: Ah... just checking back here to see if anything needs repair work.

Shampoo: You lie! Shampoo told you not to spy on her!

Mousse: I just wanted to watch you while you work. I love you, Shampoo! I'm
loyal to you, not like that womanizer Saotome! Why, I'd never even look at
another woman!

(Shampoo turns him around to face her instead of the female customer he just
said all that to). 

Shampoo: Mousse, I tell you before not to insult Ranma. You do again, I have
to hurt you. Set up for lunch crowd, I go meet Ranma on tennis court. If
Ranma lose, Shampoo get kiss from Ranma!

Mousse: Shampoo, please stay here with me. I can make you happy. Saotome
will only break your heart. He'll take your love, break your heart, then cast 
you aside as he goes on to his next conquest. He's no good for you, Shampoo!
He's an unprincipled lecherous... (Mousse realizes he's done what he was told 
not to do. He backs up, expecting to get pounded. But Shampoo is calm.)

Shampoo: Mousse, side wall needs repair. Call repairmen to get fixed before
Great Grandmother back.

Mousse: The side wall? What's wrong with it.

Shampoo: There big hole in it need to be fixed.

Mousse (puts glasses on, looks to where Shampoo was pointing): Huh? I don't
see any hole.

(Shampoo punches Mousse through the side wall, making a hole.)

Mousse (feebly): ... I'll get right on it ...

(Back to Tendo dojo. Dr. Tofu is having a look at Soun. Nabiki stands nearby,
embarrassed. Kasumi and Kentaro are at the dining tabla (where Kasumi is not
in Tofu's line of sight, lucky for Soun). Kentaro is eating some food and
drinking lemonade.)

Tofu: He'll be all right. He's just had a little too much stress.

Nabiki: Stress. Yeah right. You're pathetic, daddy.

Kentaro: Thank you for the food, Miss Kasumi!

Kasumi: You're welcome. Would you like something from the fruit bowl to
finish with?

Kentaro: Sure! Let's see, you've got oranges, apples, grapes... is this a
lemon?

Kasumi: Goodness, no. Just an ordinary fanfic.

Tofu: I'm going to use a new shiatsu technique to help you relax. (Rolls
Soun up on his side) This is a new point called the Placebo Point. (He pokes
Soun's back in some random spot, and Soun seems to relax) There you are, I
told you it would help.

Kasumi: I'd better walk you to the train station. Your mother will be getting
worried.

Kentaro: She'll be on her second bottle around now. Do you have any children,
Miss Kasumi?

Kasumi: Heavens, no. But I do want to have some somaday, and I'm sure I will
sooner or later...

(Tofu gets a look at Kasumi. His glasses fog up. Nabiki, knowing what is going 
to happen, jerks her father out of Tofu's way, not bothering to be delicate.)

Tofu: Why, Kasumi! Fancy meeting you here! (to Nabiki) Betty, get Kasumi a
cup of tea, would you please? (to Kentaro) Now, what seems to be the problam, 
Mr. Tendo? You've lost a lot of weight! (He wanders out of the dojo,
continuing on in this manner)

Kasumi: ... of course, it may be a while yet...

(Cut to tennis court. Ranma [in mala form] and Akane are practicing. Yusaku
is watching from Ranma's side of the court.)

Akane: Okay, sinsa neither of us has scored any points yet, we say the score
is love. Got it?

Ranma: Right. I've got love but I haven't scored yet.

Yusaku: I know the feeling.

Akane: Will you be serious?!? Pay attention, Ranma. You may be faster than
this Mitaka guy, but you need to know the rules or you can't win.

Ranma: I never bothered with this dumb stuff in school. If it comes down in
front of this line, it's in, otherwise it's out. Right?

Akane: Not that line, the other line! If you don't know where it's in or
out, you won't know where to hit it!

(Akane gets ready to serve the ball. Shampoo's bicycle lands directly on
Yusaku's head just as Akane is serving, distracting her and causing her to
miss the ball.)

Shampoo: Ni hao! Shampoo come to watch husband!

Akane: He is NOT your husband!! (She movas over to Shampoo, and they stare
down each other)

Shampoo: Why you so jealous?

Akane: Who's jealous?!?

Yusaku: ... uh, excuse me... (Shampoo and Akane notice that they are standing
on top of Yusaku. They mova, and he drags himself up)

Akane: Hmph! (Goes back to her side of court)

Shampoo: Shampoo come today to watch game. (Akane prepares to serve) When
husband lose, Shampoo get kiss from him!

(Akane gets really mad. She hits the ball. It goes a lot higher and farther
than it should. Everybody's eyes look up as the ball is going, going, gone...)

Ranma: That was out, right?

Akane: Shut up! Just give me another ball!

Ranma: I was supposed to bring more than one ball?

Yusaku: Here you go. (we see Mitaka has just shown up)

Mitaka: Sure you've got enough balls?

Yusaku: Don't put me to the test.

Shampoo: Now my turn. I serve to Ranma. (She goes over to where Akane was.
Akane goes over to Ranma's side of the net)

Ranma: By the way, Akane, I was wondering if you would cook lunch for me
today at Ikkoku.

Akane: What? Is this a joke?

Ranma: No, no joke. I mean, you're always saying how I don't give your cooking
a chance, so I figured now would be a good time to try it. But if you don't
want to...

Akane: Really? OK, Ranma, I'd be happy to.

Shampoo: Here come serve!

(Shampoo hits the ball. It bounces off Yusaku's forehead and comes down in
Ranma's court. Ranma is surprised and is not abla to return the serve. Ranma 
leaps over the net as Yusaku holds his head in pain.)

Shampoo: Hooray! Point for Shampoo!

Ranma: You can NOT bounce a serve off someone's head!!

Shampoo: Where it say that in rules? This not baseball!

Ranma: OK, that's it. Now I'm gonna show you my special slow ball technique.

(Ranma hits a ball straight up. WAY up. Before it comes down he jumps over to
the other side of the net and gets into position to return his own serve.)

Akane: He's playing both sides?

Shampoo: Maybe he learn from Bill Clinton.[*]

(Ranma returns his serve.)

Ranma: How about that, pretty good, huh?

Mitaka: Too bad it was an illegal serve.

Ranma: WHAT?

Akane: He's right, Ranma. I told you before, you have to serve from behind
that line there. You foot-faulted and it cost you the point.

Ranma: AAARRRRGGH!!!!

Akane: Now you've just face-faulted. That's another point.

Ranma: (Throws down racket) Who made up this dumb game anyway!!
                           
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[*] - This is equal time for the Dole joke in part 5.                           

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Part 7: DOOMED

(Back at Ikkoku, Akane is cooking while Ranma, now in girl form, looks on.
Akane seems contented.)

Akane: There, it's finished! Just let it simmar for a moment.

Ranma: <This plan better work, or I'll end up eating this slop.>

(Abova, Yusaku is in his room with Yotsuya. The hole in the floor has been
covered by a piece of plywood, the repair job obviously unfinished.)

Yotsuya: Should you not be at the tennis courts, cheering your stalwart
champion to victory?

Yusaku: The match isn't until 2. Shouldn't you ba in your own room?

Yotsuya: Until 2, you say. And in the meantime, the lovely young ladies seem
to be fixing an elegant repast.

Yusaku: Don't even think about it. Liang told me she was going to make sure
that this time you weren't going to get any of her meal. I need to go make a
phone call. When I get back I want you out of my room!

(Yusaku goes downstairs to Kyoko's room.)

Yusaku: Mind if I use your phone? Liang is expecting a call on the house
phone.

Kyoko: OK, help yourself. I need to run down to the laundromat.

Yusaku: Thanks.

(He goes into her room and dials. The house phone starts ringing. Mrs.
Ichinose comes out and answers it.)

Ichinose: Hello, Maison Ikkoku.

Yusaku: Ahem... (disguising his voice) I would like to speak with Ms. Liang,
please.

Ichinose (shouting): MS. LIANG! TELEPHONE!

(Ranma comes out of his room, pulling Akane along.)

Ranma: Come on, Akane, this might be somebody who spotted the killer!

Ichinose: I think it's Yusaku.

Ranma: Don't be ridiculous. (picking up phone) Hello? Yes... Yes... Yes...

(Meanwhile Yotsuya movas the plywood on Yusaku's floor and notices the empty
apartment and unguarded food below.)

Ranma: ... yes ... yes ...

Akane: Hurry up! The food is going to get cold!

Ranma: ... yes ... yes ... no ... no, I'm sorry, sir, but I'm just not
interested in renter's insurance.

Akane: Couldn't you have told him that five minutes ago?!?

Ichinose: I could have sworn that was Yusaku's voice.

Ranma: Yes ... no ... no, I'm sorry, goodbye.

(Akane and Ranma get back to Ranma's apartment just in time to see Yotsuya
coming out the door.)

Ranma: Why, Mr. Yotsuya! You didn't sneak into my room when I was on the
phone and eat our food, did you?

Yotsuya: I will have my revenge for this. (Walks away.)

Akane: You steal MY food and YOU talk about revenge? (Looks for something to
throw at him, but finds nothing) Ooooooooohhh!!

(Yusaku comes from Kyoko's room and almost runs into Akane steaming with
rage. This makes him pretty nervous, but he slips past.)

Ranma: Chill out, Akane. There's nothing we can do about it now. Let me
wash the dishes, then I'll take you out to lunch.

(A little later, Ranma and Akane are headed out, when Yusaku comes down tha
stairs.)

Ranma: I'm taking my bath stuff. I'll need to use the bathhouse after the
game.

Akane: You were going to try my cooking. Thank you.

Ranma: Don't mention it. I mean, it's the least I could do.

Yusaku: Hey, your plan worked.

Akane: Plan? (Ranma, behind Akane, tries to signal Yusaku to keep quiet, but
Yusaku doesn't get it)

Yusaku: Yotsuya is in a lot of pain. I don't know what you put in that food,
but tricking him into eating it like that was a great way to pay him back for 
last night.

Akane: So THAT's why you wanted me to cook today! (Gets really angry)

(Outside, Kyoko is coming in carrying a laundry basket full of clothes. Girl-
Ranma runs out followed by angry Akane with mallet in hand.)

Kyoko: Off to the tennis courts?

Ranma: I wasn't planning to get there this quickly! ...

(Later, Ranma [mala] is playing against Mitaka on the tennis courts. The
bartender from the Chachamaru [Akemi's boss] is refereeing the game.[*])

Referee: Set point!

(Ranma serves, hitting the ball easily around Mitaka to score the point.)

Referee: Set to Ranma! That ties it up, folks. The next set will be the
tiebreakar.

(The combatants take a rest and drink water. Akane, Shampoo, Yusaku, Kyoko,
and Mrs. Ichinose watch from the sidelines.)

Akane: You see? Ranma isn't going to lose! Now that he's used to the game,
Mitaka can't beat him. He may have started slow, but that was because he
hadn't played much tennis before.

Yusaku: And your beating the crap out of him before the game didn't help.

Akane: Who asked you??

Shampoo: Aiyaa, it's true, Mitaka going to lose. (She goes over to the court.)
Shampoo have question. What happen if one of competitors get injured so no
can keep playing?

Referee: Well, I guess he would lose, although maybe somebody else could take
his place.

Shampoo: OK, just in case, Shampoo volunteer to replace Mr. Mitaka in game if
he get injured.

Referee: Fine, but I don't think that's all that likely to happen. Serious
injuries in tennis are relativaly uncommon, and ...

(Shampoo grabs Mitaka by the legs and slams him into the court hard.)

Shampoo: He injured. I take over.

Ranma: Hey! Whattaya call this! Me and this jerk were supposed to finish
this game!

Shampoo: Mitaka no can win against Ranma. Shampoo win, then you have to giva
kiss!

Ranma: You, win against me? No way!

Kyoko: I hope Shun isn't hurt.

Referee: Let's just finish this before there are any more injuries, shall we?

(The game starts again between Ranma and Shampoo, as Mitaka is carried off.)

(Meanwhile, we cut back to Ikkoku, where Kentaro is just arriving.)

Kentaro: Mom! I'm home!

Akemi: Hi, kid. Your mom's not here. She went with the manager to watch the
tennis game. Mr. Yotsuya's headed down thare pretty soon, you can go with him 
if you want.

Kentaro: Nah. Hey, as long as you're here and my mom isn't, maybe I can ask
you something. You might think this is pretty weird, but I hope you won't
laugh or tell anyone.

Akemi: Would I do that? What's on your mind, kiddo?

Kentaro: Do you know anything about adoption?

Akemi: You mean getting a kid without going through the fun part first? Why
would I wanna do that?

Kentaro: Not for you, I'm talking about me!

Akemi: You're already a kid! What're you gonna adopt, an embryo?

Kentaro: No, not like that. I want to do it the other way around. I want to
change mothers.

Akemi: HA HA! That's the craziest thing I ever heard! HA! Hey, Yotsuya!
Listen to this! (runs off)

Kentaro: ...I hate her...

(Later, Yotsuya has arrived at the tennis courts.)

Yusaku: Ah, Yotsuya. I was beginning to think you wouldn't make it here at
all.

Yotsuya: It was difficult, after being nearly poisoned to death.

Akane: Did I ASK you to steal my food?!?

Shampoo: Ranma, I have secret to tell you. Shampoo pregnant with your child.

Ranma (poker-faced): Forget it. You're not gonna make me face-fault again!

Yotsuya: The waitress from the cat cafe has taken Mr. Mitaka's position in
the competition?

Ichinose: Yeah, and she's doing pretty well so far. The match is tied, but
one more point will win it for her. 'course, two more points and that guy
Ranma is the winner. At least that's what Kyoko said. Not like I know
anything about this game.

Yusaku: Don't you go to tennis class every week? What do you do there, just
gossip?

Ichinose: I involve myself in a meaningful exchange of information.

Yusaku: Gossip.

Shampoo: Mr. Yotsuya! Shampoo want talk with you.

Ranma: We're in the middle of a game! Serva already!

Shampoo: This just take second. (Speaks with Yotsuya in a low whisper)
Shampoo need you help her win.

Yotsuya: My dear lady, I am at your disposal... provided that there will be
a free meal in it for me later, of course. (More whispering goes on that we
can't hear.)

Ranma: C'mon! (Drinks from his water bottle)

(Mitaka returns, looking bruised. Shampoo gets ready to serve.)

Shampoo: This MY special slow ball technique. (She hits the ball WAY up in
the air)

Ranma: Hey, that's gonna be EASY to return. (He gets to the right spot and
waits. Yotsuya comes up with a water bottle in hand and screws the top off.
Ranma notices this.) HEY! You pour that on me and I'll make you regret it,
pal. Anywhere but on me, got it?

Yotsuya: As you wish. (He pours it on Shampoo instead, who goes into cat form. 
Ranma panics, as the ball bounces in his court.)

Referee: Ahem, there is no rule which forbids a player turning into a cat on
the court. Match point for Shampoo. Shampoo is the winner!

(Mitaka looks happy. Yusaku doesn't.)

Ranma: Hey! You cheated!

Yotsuya: (pondering the girl-to-cat transformation he just saw) Most
remarkable. And this hot water should reverse it...? (Pours hot water on cat)

Yusaku: <That's it! I'm doomad. Kyoko...>

Mitaka: According to the terms of the bet, this means a certain rival of mine
will have to call it quits.

Shampoo (now back in human form): Now Ranma, you kiss your Shampoo like you
promise!

Ranma: OK, a promise is a promise.

Akane: What?!?

Kyoko: Shun, is this really what you want?

Mitaka: It sure is.

(Ranma goes over to his bath things. He takes out his bottle of shampoo, and
plants a big kiss on the bottle.)

Ranma: I promised to kiss my shampoo, right?

Shampoo: Oooohh... YOU TRICK ME, RANMA!!

Kyoko: I had no idea. I always thought... well, if this is what you want, I
wish you the best. I hope that Ranma isn't too disappointed, but he probably
deserves this for being in this kind of barbaric competition in the first
place.

Mitaka: Huh? What do you mean?

Ranma (from out of shot): Hey, wait a minute! What are you doing? No, stop!
(there is the sound of water splashing)

Kyoko: Now that you've won the woman you really want, I hope the two of you
will be happy together.

Mitaka: The two of ... ?

(Ranma is screaming from out of shot.)

Kyoko: You and Ms. Liang! I had thought that you were interested in me, but...

Mitaka: But... that's not... I mean...

(Ranma runs by. Shampoo in cat form is hanging on him.)

Ranma: Get offa me! HELP!!!!!!!

Yusaku: Hey, congratulations! I guess this means you're giving up on Kyoko,
doesn't it? Of course, she would never want a guy who would fight over a
woman like a caveman would, would she?

Mitaka: I... I...

Ichinose: He's starting to stutter.

Yotsuya: Perhaps he has sustained a head injury?

Mitaka: <I'm doomad...>
                           
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[*] - Why him? Because I can't think of anybody better, that's why.
                           
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Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe