On Mon, 2 Dec 1996, bridget ellen engman wrote:
Okay, so given that this seems to follow "Red" (both logically and
through the timeline that seems to have been established) are you going
to do the entire spectrum? Roy G. Biv? That could be interesting... I'd
like to see what you do for indigo...>
Wait for it....
Lately Ranma had noticed a change in Nabiki's attitude towards him.
Since he had moved out they had been getting along much more like brother
and sister. Her sarcastic barbs had mellowed a little, or at least had began begun to be distributed more equitably.
Not sure if this paragraph is necessary, though it does establish this as
being in that timeline you have in Red, where he's moved out and things
are a bit more advanced than in the manga...
I have plans for the middle Tendou sister, I'm just setting it up.
"Mmm, yakisoba! My favorite! Thank you Kasumi." Soun took his usual
place at the head of the table.
"But, daddy, everything's always your favorite" Nabiki observed.
"Mmm well, that's true." He broke apart a pair of chopsticks.
Wouldn't they have household chopsticks instead of disposable ones?
They're not very economical...
Seems to me I remember both disposables and a jar of housholds.
I'm only giving him something to do here....
"Where did you find liquid nitrogen on such short notice?"
"Oh now, it's not that bad, dear."
Ranma shut up. That was the first time she'd called him that, and even
in jest it was nice to hear.
Well, technically, she *has* called him "anata" on several occasions --
just not nicely.
Hmm. I don't recall that. What episode or story?
Maybe you could switch back to the Japanese, which is
what you mentioned you wanted to use anyhow, and say something about her
tone, to get that subtle nuance across...
If she has called him anata, then "dear" is a better choice,
and we can perhaps suspend belief and allow her to use
"dear" in english just like Lum uses "darling".
"Hmm?" Nabiki's face lit up with a fiendish grin. "Akane you rascal!
That's way better than anything I came up with!"
So she's come up with stuff, hmmm?
Her other plans for Akane getting another look at Ranma's bod.
Kasumi sat at the table across from Ranma.
"What is it, Kasumi?"
"Ranma, I'm depending on you to be a gentleman tonight."
"Eh?" Ranma was confused. What does she... Oh. That.
"Do you promise?" Kasumi gave him her stern look.
"No It's not like that at all. It's not like I planed to be here or
anything. Really, I put the pole through my clothes just like you always do,
the pole must have fallen or something. "
Hmmm... but the pole didn't fall... The question is, who did it? Kasumi,
who is also conveniently planting ideas in people's heads, or Nabiki...
or maybe even our whispering friend Soun, obviously up to something in
that conversation with Genma? Hmmmm...
I'm thinking about writing a "Revenge" type fic where I discuss
this with Nabiki. All the clues are there.
"Okay, you can stay my iinazuke." She said softly, pulling him
downward. Ranma resisted playfully, then giving in he lay beside her. He
brushed the hair from her eyes and leaned over her, his lips inches from
hers. She reached up and wrapped a hand around the back of his head, and
grabbed his ponytail with the other. She tried to pull him downward, but he
resisted again with a coy smile. She pulled herself upwards to his lips. They
^^^ not sure if I can picture Ranma being...
coy. teasing, yes. Coy?
It's dark, the room lit by the TV, He wants to be kissed,
He's not being mean I think it might look coy to Akane ne?
They looked in each other's eyes, trembling and questioning. After
what seemed like an eternity, Akane bit her lip and reluctantly shook her
head. Ranma smiled in relief and disappointment.
This seems a bit fast to get to "the question" -- and even having decided
not to, they might kiss a bit more...
They will, they will.
The futon and quilt were cold against his legs and arms. He lay looking
at the ceiling panels, the room now glowed in a strange orange light. He
heard Akane return from the back, and enter the room. She knelt next to
Ranma and brushed the hair out of his eyes. He reached up and pulled her
on top of himself, his lips finding hers. They kissed passionately, Akane
lying fully on top of him, this time there was no guilt, no fear, just a joyous
sharing and anticipation.
I like the beginning of this paragraph, but I think the last sentence
needs work -- besides being a bit run-on, it seems, I dunno, less
powerful than the rest of the description -- less momentary, less individual.
Contrast, contrast.
Oh, okay I'll think about it.
She padded out of the room, he heard the first 3 steps, then a break
in the rhythm as she skipped the Fourth step. He turned on his side and
snuggled the pillow, it still smelled like her.
this reads a bit awkwardly...
Naw, I like it.
At breakfast there were a few awkward moments as Nabiki tried to
accuse them of a night of torrid passion, Kasumi looked at Akane for a
moment, and the concerned look on her face dissolved. Later Ranma said his
goodbyes to the others and Akane walked with him to the gate. They kissed
again briefly and clutched hands, then Ranma ran for home, the approaching
storm no match for the one in his heart.
And I think this ending needs work. It seems a bit rushed -- maybe give
us the conversation instead of summing it up. And the storm analogy
seems, I dunno, not very moving. So I think the ending needs some work...
I don't know that I want put much more here, the important stuff is
over, and I kind of like the abruptness.
Overall -- this is, as usual, a lovely story, though it doesn't seem to
me to live up to "Red"...
Sigh. "Hey Vincent, paint another 'Starry starry night'."
Sorry to dissapoint, but I think "Red" is a singularity,
I was thinking of other series to do and colors seemed
like a nice "set" and no, I had not planned to stick
strictly to the rainbow. (There's no "Gold" there)
I may have to retitle this mess and think up a new
series so I can disconnect it from "Red".
I do think, however, that the question of
whether or not to have sex needs a bit more treatment -- there doesn't
seem to me to be much conflict here. It's obvious that they're both
interested -- your description of the two if them together is plain in
that regard -- but it seems they're making it into an all-or-nothing
decision, which it may not really be. More to the point, it seems as if
*they* are treating it as an all-or-nothing decision, and I'm not sure
that works. If they haven't ventured far -- and from your description,
I'm assuming they haven't -- then it makes more sense for them to be
fixated on little steps, exactly how far they *are* going to go, than on
that final "big" step. There are a lot of stages between kissing and
all-out sex, and I would think they'd be more concerned with the stages
in between than the end result... or at least spend more time agonizing
about it...
That's really fertile ground, and I plan to plant MANY crops
there. For "Orange" they just jumpped in the pool and it was
deeper than they thought. Okay it may not be realistic, but
I for one think they should take their time and enjoy the
excruciating anticipation, and anyway I want my stories
to reflect my own morals, and I don't think they should
have gone any further that night. Ranma and Akane both
promised Kasumi that "nothing" would happen. Thier word
is important to me, and to Kasumi.
(SPOILERS)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Okay, Kasumi was worried because she was the one who
arranged for Ranma to stay. IN HIS ROOM. When the
movie thing came up she was concerned that she could
be responsable for something more than an innocent
sleep over.
I plan to put this in the revenge thing with Nabiki
(/SPOILERS)