I'm wavering somewhere in between on this story.  There are things
I like and things I dislike, but until I see more I can't really make a
judgement.  Anyway, on with the C&C...

        First thing that strikes me about this story is that it's heavy on
the drama, but that's to be expected.  There are points however where it
seems overplayed and comes across as almost corny.  It's still within the
limits of believability so it's not a problem yet.
        Something is really bothering me about this entire story and I
still can't place it.  Nouma is part of it but I think it's something
bigger.  I feel like I'm being thrust into the meat of the story without
enough of a intro for some reason.  It remains to be seen where the story
will end however.
        There's no sense of subtlety to the way things are happening, it's
the basic Ranma & Co vs the superbeing of the week except on a bigger
budget.  This feels like a movie, Nouma/KhuLon-Ranma/Nouma subplots.
(strange... sudden ID4 flashback)
        It's hard to swallow and yet it all seems to fall within believable
parameters.  (except Nouma.)  The development of Khu Lon starts well... I
start to lose it when it looks like she's softening towards Nouma.
        Now that's what I look for in a girl, smart vicious and looks.  Her
practicality and frigid nature are also nice features.  Something about
girls with violent streaks I guess... and I dig hidden weapons.

"Oh, I could have told you that."  Kodachi looked at her sister-in-law
affectionately.  "Why, just last week, she raised Tachi's allowance from a
hundred yen to a hundred and five yen, 'adjusting for inflation' as she
called it."

        A note about Kodachi: her cynicism I enjoy but it sometimes seems
that all her comments are so.  Just a caution against making her overly
cynical.  Also, she's not married to anyone.. right?

Akane released her grip and looked up into Nouma's eyes.  "Watch over them
for me, Nouma.  You are the best equipped to deal with whatever's waiting for

        Of course, he is Nouma after all.  ^_-

Ranma nodded, and Nouma saw on his face an expression very similar to the one
that had crossed Mousse's face back in the dojo.

        To which expression are you refering to here?

Khu Lon stared at him evenly for a minute, then gave a small shake of her head.
"Men."  The word was evidently an epithet.  "Let us put all that aside, Tendo
Nouma.  I have more important matters to discuss with you."

        I like her attitude.  I like her general dislike for Nouma.  This
part of the story is pretty good, you can see where the conversation drifts
from the point where Khu Lon is trying to make a point but gets sidetracked
by Nouma and his misunderstandings.  Alas I hate to see any guy, Nouma
included, put their foot that far into their mouth.
        I like Khu Lon's savvy...

Nouma drank in her surprised and somewhat horrified expression for a few
seconds, then turned away before he lost control of his face and allowed his
amusement to show through.  No need to rub it in.

        Horrified isn't quite what I'd expect... something more along the
lines of controlled anger.. reassesment.  perhaps a little shock at first.
But definitely anger... she had such a nice hatred going too...

Nouma, the best English speaker other than Nabiki, was given the task of
dealing with the Canadian customs.  The customs agent began barking questions
at him.  He called up the information on his computer and transmitted it to
her.

        I was about to balk until I read the next paragraphs.  However
calling Nouma the best english speaker seems contradictory after the
comments about Khu Lon.  She would of course be the most logical choice for
customs, so why wasn't she handling it in the first place?

Nabiki spoke sharply.  "And I say that we've just flown half-way around the
world.  We need to rest and adjust to local time, as well as do some more
research and come up with a strategy.  There is no need to go rushing blindly
into danger."

        For awhile I was thinking you would send a smaller party forward to
the camp sight to scout, splitting the party in two.  It would have seemed
like a compromise that someone would come up with, the counter arguement
would be of course that their forces would be split.

It pointed out that she didn't have to ride back here with him.  If she was
truly uninterested, she would have ridden in one of the cabs.

        Ah yes, I know that voice well... in the mind, hope springs eternal.

"Both, naturally.  There is no reason to limit myself to any one school."

        I don't see how Nouma would consider this boastful, in fact it's a
related concept to his style of martial arts.  From what he's gathered from
previous evesdropping he know's she's good.  It's a question of which one
has the bigger ego.  Personally I hope she kicks his ass at some point in
this story.

"Don't be."  He spoke that more sharply than he intended, and grimaced.  "She
wasn't buying it.  She doesn't believe in magic.  She's going to go to the
government and try to get us thrown out of the country."  Nouma blew out a
breath.  "This is probably the reason Father wanted us to leave right away."

        I came to the same conclusion, she gave in much too easy.

"I just do.  I can read people pretty well.  It's a talent with me."

        Why don't we just call him the Kwisatz Haderach already and get it
over with.  ^_^  (bonus points to anyone who catches that reference.)
        Well okay, that should do for now... until next chapter...

http://www.pixi.com/~mousse/                                   mousse@pixi.com
MousseMousseMousseMousseMousseMousseMousseMousseMousseMousseMousseMousseMousse
      ,.            ,...,,,
    ,;'     ....,   '   ;'      "The mind commands the body and it obeys.
  ,;;:...;.    `"   .,;'`:,    The mind orders itself and meets resistance."
  '"      `'       ::'    :;
MousseMousseMousseMousseMousseMousseMousseMousseMousseMousseMousseMousseMousse
Everything Zen Productions, Nov. 15 1996
http://www.adgrafix.com/info/klee2/                         Web Server Systems