On Fri, 31 Jan 1997 09:21:54 -0500 (EST) Twister wrote:
: Part Six - Chaos Carnage
: ------------------------
: They settled on the ground as the sun began its decent in the
: evening sky.
"descent"
: "It did well against my <insert ;> technique at my normal
: level of ki," Herb conceded.
I assume it is the Hitou Ryuuzan Ha you mean.
: The old master went limp with relief; the danger, whatever it
: had been, was gone. What, by the Great Panty, had caused THAT??
*The Great Panty*?! :D Bwaaahahahahaaa. Oh man, I can see it:
Happousai sitting in the middle of a lingerie store like Linus van
Pelt in a pumpkin field, waiting for the arrival of the Great
Panty. :)
: "You!" WHAM! "not!" SNAP! "touch!" CRUNCH! "HUSBAND!!" SNAP!
: CRACKLE! POP!
Crackle? Not usually a sound associated with physical violence,
but I guess the phrase loses something without it. :)
: Eventually, however, even the gallons of coffee he consumed
: weren't enough and his heavy-lidded eyes shut one last time as he
: went to sleep for a long, long time.
: Bert booted it on again before venturing outside
: to put something other than coffee(well, that too) into his
: grumbling stomach.
: "Not until my coffee," Bert growled, eyes fixed on where fresh
: coffee would emerge. Coffee, sustenance, same thing. "What are you
: doing this early?"
: "Uh huh. Fine," the red-head said noncommittedly as coffee!!
: started to flow.
Say, I thought coffee gave him heartburn? Wasn't it tea that he
consumed in ludicrous quantities?
: Part Eight - Broken Heart! Chaos Unbound!!
: ------------------------------------------
: However, Nabiki thought as she lay on her bed, hands behind her
: head, I'm still not sure what to do about our little `situation'.
If you're using "direct speech"-like thought (i.e. in first-person
voice), I'd recommend putting it in delimiters like direct speech.
Introspection is all right to put into the narrative passages, but
this mixture of third and first person POV is jarring.
: Hikaru Gosenkugi's soot-covered face stared dumbly at the
: pentagram he had made.
"Gosunkugi"
: "Okay," he sighed. "I'll take the Order."
Uh oh, I can see it coming [ducks].
: A sudden
: impulse made him add, "Did you want fries with that?"
Phew! That was a narrow escape. Next time I'll wear a pun-proof
vest.
: A large
: piece of concrete served as a temporary seat while the cause of the
: destruction looked about herself with a half-smile, the whites of
: her eyes swirling with random colors.
So she is "A girl with caleidoscope eyes", right? :)
: Her altered Dragonsword still
: lay in her right hand's grip and now reflected the visible aura of
: Chaos about itself, the link to its creator having corrupted the
: magical weapon into an instrument of Chaos.
How nicely summetrical.
: Pure force of habit caused Bert to start running check-up
: diagnostics on his hardsuit. He frowned in irritation when he
: realized that the Order in his SkyKnight armour couldn't help but
: keep everything in perfect running, heh, order. However, he felt it
: getting stronger when he did.
When he did what? Run a checkup, frown, realize, feel or what?
: And whyforth not? he thought, wanting to kick himself.
"Whyforth"? "Wherefore" I know, "Whyfore" is probably correct,
too, but I don't think it should be "forth".
: "Thy fury only insures my victory," SkyKnight replied, far
: calmer than the nauseous, free part of Bert's mind felt; his
: intestines were bunching together for comfort.
:D
: Forsooth, this hath gone too far, SkyKnight decided grimly as
: he slowly rose. To continue this destruction wouldst only increase
: her power.
Isn't the "st" ending only for second-person verbs (i.e. "you
wouldst")?
: Normally, Malkon was of a more
: scholarly bent towards magic.
That sentence confused me a bit until I realized that "bent" was a
noun, not a verb in this case.
: A Summons.
: From the ultimate Lord of Hell himself.
: And no one had been Summoned for hundreds of eons. Until now.
: Malkon swallowed as he gripped the gem tighter for faint
: reassurance. Such meetings were told to take anywhere from a year
: to centuries. First his encounter with Twister/Darlene, now the
: seeming plot by invisible adversaries, and then this... this
: INCONCEIVABLE event happens! Only one thought flashed though the
: arch-demon's stunned mind.
: What in all the HELLS is happening that precipitated THIS?!?!
Is it just me, or is the _Twisted Path_ becoming more cosmic by
the minute? :)
: Part Nine - Aftermaths
: ----------------------
: "Yeah, I'm looking pretty outlandish now, huh? I..." Valanna
: broke off with a shudder and closed her eyes. Before anyone could
: panic, her features began to change. Now that the Chaos was gone,
: her body was slowly reverting back to its true form without
: anything to keep it in its current age.
Damn. And again we don't get to see the male form of Twister's
future self. Hmmm.
: "I think they just need to talk things out between
: themselves," Miyabi told her. "They'll be okay. YOU, however, are
: coming with me, Miyabi, and Bert. Now."
Is there a reason why she inserts her name here? It sonded
strange to me.
: "Whatever," Miyabi sighed. "It's likely a creation of your
: subconscious mind acting as your `guide', Bert. A possible result
: of your new abilities. Probably not a danger and more likely a
: useful aid." Yoda `Humphed!'. Could we get on to what happened
: earlier?"
There seems to be a bit of a break in that last sentence. The
direct speech is missing a beginning quote and its source is
unclear. It seems to be Miyabi speaking, but I'd reccomend adding
an attribution to avoid confusion due to Yoda's interjection.
: "Worry not, my student. The Force flows in mysterious ways."
: "Shut up, Yoda."
: "Humph!"
:D
: Twister looked down at Nabiki's smiling
: face. "Yeah, me too. I don't think I could stop that, even if I
: wanted too."
"Wanted to", I believe
: "And five, when you get back you will marry both I, Nabiki
: Tendo, and Lotion."
That should be "me", not "I". It's standing in the objective
case. BTW, I notice that your romanization of the long o vocal is
inconsistent. Sometimes you use "ou" (like in "Happousai"),
sometimes just "o" (like in "Tendo").
: Nabiki calmly looked at her watch. "Seven and a half minutes
: left."
: "You're not REALLY... Lotion!" He whirled to face the grinning
: mage. "You can't..." he stammered.
: "We BOTH agreed, Twister," she cheerfully said, crushing any
: hope. "I don't mind sharing, and neither does Nabiki. It's not
: against amazon law."
: "But... But..."
: "Six minutes," Nabiki sang out.
: "Hey!!" Twister protested at her. "What do you mean by
: `swearing' anyway??" he demanded of Lotion. I can't believe I'm
: actually thinking of doing these crazy demands, he thought.
: "You have to give us your word that you'll do these things,"
: Lotion explained. "Nabiki said your `old-fashioned honour' should
: make you keep your promise."
: "I..."
: "Five minutes."
Gee, Nabiki's watch is *fast*. :)
: Nadoka smiled and bowed gracefully.
That would be "Nodoka", the most misspelled name since "Ukkyo".
:)
: Part Ten - Good Parting, Fellow Knight
: --------------------------------------
: It was a struggle, but one that really didn't
: leave a choice had agreed.
Huh?
: "Do not fear, my student. Fear leads to the Dark Side," a
: familiar voice advised, making Bert groan.
Oh yeah? So what does fear of fear lead to, numbskull? God, I
hate the little gnome. I's no wonder he has such a resemblance to
Happousai and Cologne. :6
: "May time and space now heed my call,
: Reality firm as concrete wall,
: Fall back I say, I use my will,
: Resist his path? The chance is nil.
Oh dear. Poetry 101 next semester, I'd say. :)
: SkyKnight you are, you seek thy home,
: Not one of birth, but one of heart,
: Through realities akin to specks of foam,
: I find the play that needs thy part.
:
: Go now I say! Go now with need!
: No longer friends shall be devoid!
: Go now I cry! Go now with speed,
: By magic strong and through the VOID!"
Hmmm, well, not *that* bad, actually. :)
: It was a not rebuke, it
: did not consider things that way. The being known as Trial
: considered his reply.
The two "considered"s are a bit redundant, so close together.
Say, if this one's Trial, then the other one must be Error, right?
:)
: Unlike the other,
: this one had a `female' presence and one Trial could not feel some
: fear for, despite knowing he was safe.
I'm not quite sure if I get the meaning of this sentence.
: The End...?
Somehow I doubt it. :)
Sebastian
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