Ranma 1/2: The Kyoto Chronicles

                         Chapter 3

       School of Many Battles!  It's Time For Tom

Worthless Preamble: Konnichi wa, welcome to the third chapter of R:
TKC.  I don't want to waste much space here so I'll just say that
Ranma, Ukyou, Genma and so on are the brainchildren of Rumiko
Takahashi and all rights are owned by Shogakukan and licensed in NA
by Viz Entertainment, blah blah blah, please don't sue me; I'm
broke.  Of course, _some_ characters (Chagi, the Kuonjis, etc.) are
the product of our diseased imaginations.  Enjoy. Blade and Epsilon

(Opening scene: The outskirts of Kyoto, as the sun sets over the
magnificent mass of Mount Fuji.  A man wearing a cloak walks up the
highway towards the city, his face obscured by the hood.  He stops
and looks down upon the city for a long moment.  A newspaper blows
up to him, and he catches it with one hand.  Looking at it, we see a
note in the classifieds.)

Ad:                           Wanted
 One decent fighter to be a security officer at local high school
                           Contact at:
                        Whatsitsname High

(The figure looks at it for a moment, then chuckles evilly and walks
into the city, his strides purposeful.)

********

(Scene: Ranma and Shobayashi's room, over the Honourable Bull
restaurant.  Ranma himself is lying on his futon, oblivious to the
world.  There is a polite knock, to which he does not respond. 
Several more knocks, each one louder than the next, also fail to
rouse him.  Finally the door opens and Nodoka walks in, holding a
large bell.  Raising it beside her slumbering son's head, she lets
it ring out, causing Ranma to jump up with a cry of surprise.  He
looks around wildly.)

Nodoka: Welcome back to the land of the living.

Ranma(irritated): _Mom_!  Why'd you go and do that?

Nodoka: I've learned by now that the usual methods of waking people
up don't work with you.

Ranma: (looks at the clock) Huh?  But it's only six-thirty, and I
don't have to get up till at least nine...

Nodoka: Not on school days you don't.

Ranma(dread): _School_ days?

Nodoka: Hai.  It's Monday, and time for you to go to school.

Ranma: But I thought you said I didn't have to...

Nodoka: (packing up his backpack) That was when we were on the road.
But as long as we stay in one place, you'll have to go to school. 
(pauses) Of course, if we weren't being held here you wouldn't have
to...

Ranma: But...

Nodoka: No buts, Ranma.  (she hands him the pack) Breakfast is on
the table.  School doesn't start until eight-thirty, but you'll have
to be there earlier because you and Ukyou are first time students.
(Ranma, grumbling, shoulders the pack and heads downstairs.)

********

(Scene: the kitchen of the Honourable Bull, where a large table
rests in one corner for the family to eat.  Around it sit the Kuonji
clan and Genma, all eating okonomiyaki.  Ranma and Nodoka come down
and sit as well.)

Ukyou: Isn't this great, Ranchan?  We'll probably be in the same
classes, considering how late in the year it is...

Ranma(less than ecstatic): Yeah, great.  What's for breakfast?

Meushi: Okonomiyaki.  (she indicates a large pile)

Ranma: Uh...anything else?

Ukyou: Sure, I can cook you some okonomiyaki...

Ranma: Well I know, but anything else?

Shobayashi: Why yes.  I can cook you my okonomiyaki.

Oushi: Or would you prefer some of _my_ okonomiyaki?

Ranma: Never mind.  

Nodoka: You didn't even ask _me_?

Genma: I'll have it if you're not hungry, boy...

Ranma: No, I'll be fine with this.  (he quickly moves several to his
plate before Genma can snatch them) At least I won't be poisoned
like with Akane's cooking...  (he looks off with a slightly pained
look)

Ukyou: (frowns, quickly) I'm sure we'll have fun at...uh...  (to her
father) What's its name?

Oushi: Correct.

Ranma: Correct high school?

Shobayashi: No, Whatsitsname.

Ranma: That's what she asked.

Ukyou: Hai, so what's its name?
(Ryori looks amused.)

Shobayashi: So what?

Ranma: Because we'd like to know.

Shobayashi: Like to know what?

Ranma(growls): What's its name?

Shobayashi: Hai, but what about it?

Ranma: What's its name?   What's its name!? _What's_ _its_ _name_?!?

Shoto: Didn't Abbot and Costello copywrite this routine?

Ryori: I believe Ranma wants to know the name of our high school.

Ranma: Finally.

Ryori: And Shobayashi thought you knew it.  You see, back when it
was first built, a name _was_ given to it, but an accident at city
hall destroyed all the records.  Nobody really thought about it
until it was time for the school to open, and then nobody could
remember what the name was going to be, so they just called it
Whatsitsname High (Ranma and Ukyou blink.)

Ranma: Fine, whatever.  At least I won't have to worry about a
bunch of martial artists that all have a grudge against me there.

Ukyou: What about Chagi?

Meushi: Little one, (Ukyou winces) we had to pay a large sum of
money to put you two in this school.  Considering that this Chagi is
a vagabond, he won't be able to pay the fees. (*crack*boom*ominous
roll of thunder*)

Ukyou: I guess so...

Ranma(mutters): That never stopped Ryouga...

Shobayashi: I'll come too.

Ukyou: Where?

Shobayashi: To your school, where I hope to find the girl for whom
love for me springs forth as pure as mountain springs.

Meushi(surprised): Who is this girl?

Shobayashi: The mysterious girl whose hair is like the flame of
summer across the plains...  Ah, my Natsu Kaji*...  (going into
poetry mode)

                          First you came
                     And then you were gone,
                        And only my dreams
                         Can lead me on.

                       Your beauty's charm
                        Has a hold on me,
                         A hold of love,
                        That sets me free.

                       You gave me the sign
                        I was looking for,
                     And I give you my heart
                           Forevermore.
(Everybody blinks.)
(*Natsu Kaji: Summer Flame)

Ukyou: Flame haired girl...  (she looks intently at her brother)
This girl wouldn't happen to be, uh, a little shorter than Ranma,
with a pigtail, wearing maybe Chinese-style clothes?

Shobayashi: You know her?  (excited) Quick, you must introduce us so
we can date! (Ranma puts his face in his hands.)

Ranma(mutters): It's Kunou all over again...

Genma: H-how do you know this girl loves you in return?

Shobayashi(seriously): She gave me the sign I have been waiting for,
the one sign of truest love.

Ukyou(leans over and whispers into Ranma's ear): What'd you do, striptease?

Ranma(mournfully): I ignored him...I completely ignored him... 
(Ukyou glances at the window, which has several girls pressed against it
staring in rapt adoration at her brother.)

Ukyou: It figures.

********

(Scene: the roads of Kyoto, which  Ranma, Ukyou, Shoto, Ryori and
Shobayashi are walking along.  For once Ranma isn't on a fence;
probably due to the fact that there's no canal.)

Ryori: ...and Whatitsname has a baseball and soccer field.

Ranma: Does it have any martial arts clubs?

Ryori: (looks thoughtful) Hmm...uh, there's the Kendo club, but
that's not too popular since some guy from Tokyo keeps winning all
the tournaments anyway.  I _think_ there's a ninja clan that
recruits from the school..but I can't be sure about that.

Ranma: Well, at least there won't be a million martial artists here
to pick a fight with me.

Ukyou: (starry eyes) Oh that's wonderful!  We'll have lots of
peaceful time to spend together...

Ranma: (looks nervous) At least this won't turn out as bad as my
first day at Furinkan... (*crack*bo...oh, you know the rest.  They
walk towards Whatitsname, a four-story school of black and dark blue
tile made in a large square shape with a front like a Roman-style
patio.  A shoulder-high wall surrounds the whole complex, broken
only by a massive iron gate, which is open wide.  As Shobayashi
steps through the gate, Ryori and Shoto exchange glances and duck
behind the wall.  Ukyou's eyes widen in sudden comprehension, and
she opens her mouth to warn Ranma even as she leaps to the side, but
it is too late.  One moment the courtyard is empty, the next it is
packed end to end with hordes of teenage girls all clamouring for
Shobayashi's attention and incidentally trampling Ranma into the
ground.)

Ukyou(horrified): Ranchan!  (she leaps up and pulls out her combat
spatula, landing next to Ranma) Get off him! 
(She knocks several of the girls off Ranma with well-placed swings.)

Girl(angry): Hey!  Shobayashi's mine!  You can't have him!

Ukyou(angrier): I'm his sister!  Now get off my fiancee, you little tramp!

Girl: (looks down and notices Ranma) Oops, sorry. 
(After a few moments Ukyou has cleared all the lovesick teenagers
off Ranma and raised him to his feet.  He staggers around a bit.)

Ukyou(worried): Are you okay?

Ranma(slightly dazed): Uh...I'm okay... (staggers around a bit) ...just fine...

Ukyou: (putting her arm around Ranma to support him) Come on, let's
get you inside.

Shoto: (appearing over a nearby girl's shoulder) Getting _cozy_, sis?
(Ukyou sends Shoto into the stratosphere.)

Shobayashi(mournfully): Oh, where is the Natsu Kaji?  (shouts) Does
no woman love me? 
(The seething horde of women follow him as he heads
around the corner.)

Ryori: (walking past Ranma and Ukyou) He seems to be really
enamoured.  (absently) Now who could Natsu Kaji be, hmm?  (he enters
the school) 
(Ukyou's eyes narrow and she follows.)

********

(Scene: a hall in Whatitsname High.  The cloaked figure from the
first scene stands outside a door flanked by two roman-style
columns.  On the door is mounted a plate upon which is enscribed
"Principal's Office".  He knocks.)

Voice: (from inside) Enter, enter... 
(The cloaked figure opens the door and regards a room straight out of
a mad cartoonist's nightmare.  Numerous devices of overcomplex design
line the walls, connected to each other by various wires and tubes
through which strange liquids flow.  In the centre of the far wall is
a picture window with a view of the courtyard nestled in the middle
of the square school.  In front of the window a desk sits, covered by
various mechanical devices.  Behind the desk sits a shortish man,
sporting a white lab coat and an Einstein haircut.  He is puttering
with something on his desk, and appears not to notice the cloaked
figure as he shuts the door behind him.)

Cloaked figure(voice sounds awfully familiar): Professor Minakami?

Minakami: (looks up) Who?  Oh...why hello there!  (waves cheerfully)

Cloaked figure: Hello.  (pauses for a moment, then decides to take
the initiative) I came in response to the ad in the paper.

Minakami: Nani?  Oh yes, the ad!  (pushes a button) have a seat.
(A racket erupts on the ceiling and the stranger looks up.  There he
watches as a ball bearing falls through a tube and hits a bell,
which wakes up a hen who lays and egg that falls on a switch, which
opens a trapdoor, releasing a toy robot which walks along the floor
until it trips a wire that turns a crank, which lowers a armature,
on the end of which is a padded chair.  The chair sets down with a
squeal of protest.)

Cloaked figure: (after a brief pause) Thanks, but I'll stand.

Minakami: If you wish.  (he pushes the button again and the chair
creaks for a moment and then collapses) Damn, lost another one...

Cloaked figure: About the job...

Minakami: (nods) Hai, the job... (pauses) What job?

Cloaked figure: The security officer?

Minakami: Ah yes!  Well you see, there have been quite a few fights
breaking out in the last few days: over twice as many as usual, and
the number is continuing to increase, as if some sort of negative
energy field was approaching the school.

Cloaked figure: Negative energy field?

Minakami(rambling on): I have found certain things-living creatures,
that is-which generate some sort of natural biological field which
causes others to become violent.  These fields also seem to attract
other fields, creating a stronger field which attracts more and...

Cloaked figure: [This guy might have something...] I get the idea.

Minakami: Anyway, fights and other delinquency have been on the
rise, and I have decided to put a stop to it.  Now, are you a
martial artist?

Cloaked figure(dryly): I can hold my own.

Minakami: Very good.  (pauses) What I'm looking for is someone good
enough to intimidate the other students into not fighting.

Cloaked figure: (evil chuckle) Intimidation...I think I can handle that.

Minakami: Wonderful!  On top of your regular pay-twice minimum
wage-I'm prepared to offer a thousand yen bonus for every fight you
stop.  When can you start?

Cloaked figure: Immediately, if possible.  I'm already renting a house near 
here.

Minakami: Excellent, because the fighting usually starts when school
does.  Allow me to open the door for you.  (he touches a button,
there are several clicks, and the desk spontaneously combusts) Damn,
lost another one...
(The cloaked figure exits without a word.  As he closes his door to
the sound of a fire extinguisher, he hears something in the
distance: the excited mumbles of students and several crashes and
thumps.)

Cloaked figure: [Well, my first bonus won't be long in coming...]
(With an evil chuckle, he moves towards the sound.)

********

(Scene: the main entrance to the high school to the high school,
where Ukyou is helping Ranma through the doors.  Ryori stands up the
hall, showing something on his laptop to three other boys.  Shoto
runs in behind them and slams the door in the face of several
enraged students.)

Ranma: I have _got_ to stay away from that guy.

Ukyou: Well at least nobody _purposefully_ attacked you, Ranchan.

Voice: DIIIIEEEE!!!!
(Ranma leaps back and pushes Ukyou away as Chagi drops from the
ceiling, cracking the linoleum floor with his extended foot.  Chagi
smiles evilly at Ranma.)

Chagi: Greetings, Saotome.

Ranma: You've got a funny way of saying hi.  (gets into a defensive
stance) What are you doing here?

Chagi: Moi?  I am zimply attending zis fine ecole.

Ukyou: But how could you afford it?

Chagi: Afford it?  But mon chere (Ukyou blinks in surprise), I am ze
heir to ze Senzai family fortune, which made millions selling
toothbrushes to ze marines in ze war.  But zat is unimportant.
(He reaches over with his foot and taps a nearby locker, which
shudders and tips, setting off a domino effect.  The last one
topples towards Ranma, forcing him to leap back through a nearby
door.  Instantly Chagi slams it closed, then taps another locker to
block the entrance.  With a smirk, he turns to Ukyou.)

Chagi: Now zat Ranma has left, we shall get on with more important affairs.

Ukyou: Nani? 
(Before she can react, Chagi has circled around behind her, placing a
hand on her shoulder.  He snaps his fingers and a nearby door opens
up to admit a trio of violinists, who start playing romantic music. 
Then he swings his arm around in front of Ukyou, producing a bouquet
of roses.)

Chagi: Ahh, mon chere.  L'amoure iz so wonderful, iz it not? 
(Ukyou's eyes are widening in large increments) You are so
beautiful, mon chere.  Your eyes, your hair, your legs, so strong
and graceful...
(Steaming, Ukyou grabs Chagi and hurls him at the wall.)

Ukyou: You complete _JACKASS_!!!
(Chagi pivots in midair, bounces off the wall, and lands with a look
of mild surprise.)

Chagi: You do not accept Chagi's proposal?

Ukyou: (flinging mini-spatulas at the violinists, who scramble out)
What do _you_ think!?  (she turns to glare at him)  What did you
expect to accomplish?  I'm engaged!
(All the kids in the hall decide to make a really bad
movie...err...Canadian in-joke.  Anyway, the four or five other
students in the hall look at Ukyou in surprise.)

Chagi: Zis iz not unknown to moi, mon chere.  But fear not, for
Chagi shall rectify ze situation in short order.
(The door behind which Ranma has been trapped is suddenly blown
apart by a large yellow sphere of force.  Ranma stalks out into the
hall with an angry expression.)

Ranma: Hey, pal!  What's the big idea!?

Chagi(calmly): I believe I shall take care of zat matter now.
(He leaps at Ranma with a powerful thrust kick, which he ducks. 
Ranma attempts to uppercut, but Chagi spins in midair to evade it
and sends his other leg out in a sweeping crescent that catches
Ranma and sends him sprawling against the wall, dazed.  Chagi lands
in front of him, his arms crossed and one leg tucked up.)

Chagi: Pah!  A child could avoid that!  You're hardly worth this,
Ranma, but now... (he draws his hands up in a butterfly-like wave)
face the fury of the ultimate technique of the Agile Tiger school of
martial arts!  HAKUTORAKYAKU!!!
(He snaps his raised leg at Ranma.  Unfortunately for Chagi, his
speech gave Ranma time to recover, and he rolls to the side just as
Chagi's sole reaches a level so that it is perpendicular to the
ground.  Suddenly a circular disk of white light about a metre in
diameter explodes from Chagi's foot.  The light fades, but the
shockwave is still seen as a rippling distortion in the air as it
strikes the wall, which explodes in a shower of gyprock and white
dust.  Ranma, coming up behind Chagi, stares through the clearing
dust and sees that a tunnel of metre-wide holes have been punched
through every wall between Chagi and the outside of the school...at
least a dozen walls.)

Ranma: Holy...

Chagi: (turning to face Ranma) So Saotome, you escaped zat attack. 
But you shall not escape my vengeance!
(At this point the cloaked figure rounds the far corner.  A good
crowd of students have arrived by now, and they are watching the
escalating conflict and chattering excitedly amongst themselves. 
Ryori is sitting in a secluded corner, making notes on his laptop. 
The cloaked figure takes in the scene and starts to move towards the
fight when he suddenly gets a good look at Ranma and just stops
_cold_.)

Ranma: Don't you _ever_ shut up!?  
(He throws a punch at Chagi, who evades and attempts to counter with
a crescent kick.  Ranma blocks it and lashes out with a spinning
chop, but Chagi just isn't there, and Ranma finds himself launched
into the air by a backflip kick that also had served to evade his
attack.  Chagi spins to his feet and smashes a side kick into his
falling opponent.  Ranma flies toward the wall and rebounds, but is
caught by a snap kick, followed by a rising crescent kick that
smashes into his chin and reverses into an axe kick that sends him
to the crashing into the ground with a cry of pain.)

Chagi: And so it ends...
(He leaps up, pivoting and extending his leg to clip Ranma's head
off his shoulders...only to have someone grab his ankle and halt him
in midair.  The view draws back and we see the cloaked figure is
holding Chagi, who is staring at his quizzically.)

Chagi: Could you inform moi as to the precise reason you are
interfering with Chagi's vengeance?

Cloaked figure: (evil chuckle) It's my job.
(Ranma starts and stares att he cloaked figure in disbelief.)
********

(Scene: the principal's office.  Ranma and Ukyou sit in two chairs
before the principal's desk, which is somewhat charred.  Minakami
himself seems far more interested in the device he's tinkering with
than the three young people in front of him.  Tarou, who is standing
by the door, clears his throat loudly.)

Tarou: Professor Minakami?

Minakami: (looks over) Hello there.  (pause) Who are you?

Tarou: (sighs) The school security officer you hired this morning.

Minakami: Oh yes.  And who are they?

Tarou: Two of your students.  This one (indicates Ranma) was caught
fighting.

Minakami: (nods) I see, I see...what is he doing here?

Tarou(beginning to look annoyed): For his punishment!  He was caught
fighting, what's his punishment?

Minakami: Oh no, my dear Tarou.  Here at Whatitsname, we don't
punish, we (ominously) _rehabilitate_.  So if young...

Ranma: Saotome Ranma, Minakami-sensei.

Minakami: Hai.  If young Ranma has enough aggression to fight, we
give him a way to work it out.  (he punches a button and a large
cylinder in the corner opens) This is my Agressatron Calastenic
Deangerasizer X-5000.  If you'll step inside, it will help you
relieve your aggression.

Ranma(nervously): Uh...I'd rather...

Tarou: You heard what he said, fem-boy.  (he grabs Ranma and tosses
him in) Have fun.
(The door closes and the sounds of carnage erupt from within,
accompanied by cries of pain from Ranma.)

Ukyou: Isn't corporal punishment illegal?!?
(She leaps up and tries to pry open the machine with her spatula. 
Tarou leaves and closes the door just as the ACOX-5000 bursts into
flames.  Ukyou cries out in horror, and Minakami sucks in his
cheek.)

Minakami: Damn, lost another one.

********

(Scene: the lunch hall at Whatitsname, built in the standard square
shape with a line of windows showing the interior courtyard, the
centrepiece of which is a large fountain in the shape of three
Chinese dragons in a triangular formation, spraying inward.  On the
other side of the lunch room is a stage.  Ranma and Ukyou are
sitting near the centre of the room.  He is forking gingerly at an
okonomiyaki with a look of slight distaste.)

Ukyou: Aren't you hungry, Ranchan?

Ranma: (sighs) Not really...I'm just having a bad day is all.

Ukyou: (smiles) I gather that you and that Tarou guy aren't exactly
the best of friends.

Ranma: Har har.  (he flips his fork in the air and absently catches
it) I just thought I left all this stuff behind in Nerima.  It's
almost as if violence follows me around...

Voice: Die, filthy disease-ridden bug!
(Ranma leaps up, ready to defend himself...and blinks as he notices
a boy near the stage swinging a rolled-up notebook at a fly hovering
near his food.)

Boy: Get, you vermin!

Ranma: (sitting down again) I'm getting paranoid.

Voice: Die, you pathetic little creature!!!
(This time Ranma doesn't react, which is unfortunate, as Chagi lands
a double dropkick to the back of his head and sends him face first
into the food.  Chagi remains standing there as his rival struggles
to get up.)

Chagi: Ah, mon chere, how pleasant it iz to meet you here.

Ukyou(angry): I am _not_ your chere!  Now get off my fiancee, you jerk!

Chagi: But it iz so much more convenient zis way, n'est pas?
(Ranma kicks his chair away and somehow manages to bend his legs
back far enough to cross them around Chagi's waist.  The Taiwanese
boy blinks, then is tossed across the room as Ranma flips to his
feet.)

Chagi: (landing with ease) Not entirely pathetic, Saotome.  But can
you stand up to _zis_?
(He rushes at Ranma, who backs through the crowds and closer to the
windows.)

Ranma: I can't fight you Chagi, much as I'd like to.  I'd get in too much 
trouble.

Chagi: (starting a series of wide crescent kicks that send the
students scattering out of the way) Coward!  You shall not deny
Chagi his revenge! (Ranma continues to back away from and dodge
Chagi, but soon finds himself backed against the glass.)

Chagi: Nowhere to run, Saotome!  (crouches) And no way to avoid me! 
SOUTOURA SENPUUKYAKU!
(Ranma blocks as Chagi begins his rising spinkick, but is thrown up
and through the window.  He goes tumbling into the courtyard,
covered in multiple small lacerations.  Chagi flies over him and
lands halfway to the fountain.  He turns casually to face Ranma, who
is getting to his feet with an angry expression.)

Chagi: Your move, Saotome.

Ranma: I told you I can't fight you...

Chagi(getting angry): Won't fight me iz more like it!  What's ze
matter, Saotome!  No women's skirts to hide behind zis time?

Ranma(roars): WHY YOOOOUUUUU...
(Chagi waits calmly as Ranma charges in, then he falls back,
crouching on one knee and rockets his other foot into Ranma's
abdomen.  As Ranma doubles over with a gasp, Chagi rolls, sending
him skyward...and straight at the fountain.  Ranma's eyes bulge and
he waves his arms frantically, but he is falling between the statues
and has nothing to grab.)

Ukyou(leaping through the window) Ranchan?  (Noticing the situation,
she snaps her battle spatula out and holds it up like a javelin) Oh
no you don't, Chagi!
(She tosses it as straight and true as an arrow, and the spatula
slices into one of the statues, imbedding itself halfway through the
rock.  Stretching out his hand desperately, Ranma catches the ring
on the end of the handle and dangles with his feet only a few scant
centimetres above the water.  Then he flips up and stands on the
handle.)

Ranma: You're going down, Chagi.

Chagi(enraged): And again you accept ze help of zis woman!  You are
worse zen a ninja, Ranma, an honourless rogue zat deserves only
destruction!

Ranma: (leaping at Chagi) Shut up, you little jerk!
(Chagi easily crescent kicks him from the air.  Ranma rolls with the
blow and comes up ready to fight, only to find himself lifted off
his feet from behind.  He looks around, to see Tarou holding him by
the collar, a look of mock disappointment on his face.)

Tarou: Ranma, Ranma, Ranma.  How did I know you wouldn't be able to
resist the urge to fight?

Ranma(cooly): Oh hi, Panty...
(Tarou slams him face-first into the ground.)

Tarou: Don't call me that!!!

Chagi: Sooo, you return to try and save Ranma yet again.  But I
shall let noone stop moi!

Tarou: (dropping Ranma and stepping forward) Do I have to cream you
_again_?  Listen french-boy, I'm the school's security officer, and
noone fights on my watch.

Chagi: I care nozing for your foolish job. _I_ am Senzai Chagi, heir
to ze Senzai fortune, native of Taiwan and undisputed master of ze
Agile Tiger school of martial arts.  Who are you to face moi?

Tarou: Hmph.  Well, I'm not the undisputed master of any martial
arts school, and I call no place home anymore.  I _am_ one person
you _don't_ want as an enemy, as fem-boy will tell you.  As for my
name... (evil chuckle) Well, I used to be ashamed of it, but now I
can cry out my new name in pride: I am...Tarou _TOM_!

(There is a moment of silence as this sinks in.  Then slowly, one by
one, all the students who have gathered around begin to laugh. 
Ranma is rolling around on the ground roaring with laughter, Chagi
is clutching his chest and guffawing.  Even Ukyou is chuckling into
her hand.  Tarou does not seem all too pleased by this.)

Tarou: Hey!  (he spins to face Ranma) What's so funny!?

Ranma: (between laughs) Tom!  (snicker) TOM!!!  That's the stupidest
name I've ever heard!

Tarou(steams): Listen, you little...

Shoto: (leaning over Tarou's shoulder) Tom.  I can see you put a lot
of thought into that.  Yep, you certainly picked the most god-awful
name in existence.
(Tarou smashes Shoto into the ground, managing to shove the annoying
boy's head all the way in and leaving him sticking out like an
absurd leafless tree.)

Chagi: (smirking) So, _Tom_, you are truly pathetic.  Not even
worthy of a fair battle.  So I shall finish zis quickly!  (Tarou
seems pissed-note he is positioned equidistant from fountain and the
school wall) HAKUTORAKYAKU!!!
(He performs a powerful pivot kick which stops just as his sole is
pointed at Tarou.  This time the rippling air produced by the move
is more visible, like a shimmering wave of water.  Tom dodges and
rolls to the side as the shockwave tears up some pavement and
crashes into the school.  A titanic explosion rocks the air,
accompanied by a cloud of dust and shrapnel.  Tom flips to his feet
and watches angrily as some of the school superstructure sags and
threatens to collapse.)

Tarou: Now you've made me mad!  (he leaps up, angling himself
towards the fountain) That'll dock my pay!
(Tarou, however, is surprised as Chagi launches himself after him.)

Chagi: Right where I want you!  SOUTOURA SENPUUKYAKU!!!  (Chagi's
rising spinkick catches Tarou off-guard and sends him flying past
the fountain and into the ground.  Chagi lands on the rim of the
fountain, a look of arrogant pleasure on his face) I think not, mon
ami.  The last time you came in contact with water, you became
zat...thing.  Chagi does not intend to let you do zat zis time.

Tarou: (standing up) Before it was just the job, french-boy...now,
it's _personal_.  (he steps forward and Chagi jumps down and into
range for an easy intercept) I was going to use this move against
Happousai, but thanks to fem-boy I don't have to.  (he snaps his
arms together) Now, you face (they begins to glow) my ultimate
technique, the ABARE-OUSHI-KOUGEKI!!!  
(Suddenly, a pyrotechnic burst of multicoloured light erupts around
Tom like a fireball, then bursts out in a blinding flash of rainbow
power.  Chagi gasps and desperately blocks as the light flares until
it temporarily obscures the view.  Suddenly it disperses, and we see
Chagi flying across the courtyard, and Tarou calmly standing where
his opponent used to be.  Chagi twists himself in mid-air and lands
on his feet, but off-balance.)

Chagi: Why you...how did you do zat!?

Tarou: That's for me to know and you to find out, french-boy.  (he
starts moving in a circular pattern around Chagi, coming closer to
the school)

Ukyou: Wow, that was some ki blast.

Ranma: (frowns) That wasn't a ki blast.

Ukyou: (looks at him) Nani?

Ranma: Every time I've seen Chagi in action it only took one good
shot to down him.  If he had been hit by a ki blast, he'd be
mangled...
(By this point, Tom has reached the school wall, stopping in front
of a blue door.  Chagi is breathing heavily and pumping himself up.)

Tarou: So, french-boy, it looks like you've got a lot of learning to
do before you can take me.

Chagi: None humiliate Chagi without facing ze supreme penalty!  Now
face my ultimate strength, (waves his arms and pulls one leg up)
HAKUTORAKYAKU!!!
(With an evil chuckle, Tarou dodges out of the way as the rippling
shockwave crashes into the door, which has a white stick-figure man
on it.  Instantly the door is blown in and the bathroom inside is
destroyed, causing the broken plumbing to spew out streams of
searing hot and freezing cold water.  Tom rolls to his feet with a
smirk, only to be surprised when Chagi dropkicks him from behind and
sends him skidding, though he doesn't quite lose his footing.  He
turns to face Chagi, who has taken up position between him and the
bathroom.)

Tarou: Fine, guard the bathroom.  (he moves towards the fountain)

Chagi: (stepping forward uncertainly) Non...I shall not allow you to
interfere in my vengeance...

Tarou: Just give it up, kid.  I've beaten you.

Chagi(roars): Ranma must _DIE_!!!  Nothing else iz acceptable!

Tarou: I've got nothing against you killing fem-boy, might even make
the world a better place, but I can't let you do it on school
grounds.

Chagi: (blinks) You mean, as soon as Ranma steps off ze school yard,
he iz fair game?

Tarou: (waves his arm dismissively) That's what I said.

Chagi: Well, well.  (grins evilly at Ranma) Until zis afternoon, zen.
(He leaps high into the sky, lands on the school roof and leaps out
of sight.)

Tarou: About time.

Ranma: (stalking over) What was that about making the world a better
place!?

Tarou: You're welcome.

Ranma: I didn't need your help, pal!

Tarou: No, you were being pounded quite nicely without me.

Ukyou(hastily): We appreciate the help, Tom-san.  (she elbows Ranma)

Ranma: (not catching the hint) Well, Tommy-boy here can take his
help and shove it.

Tarou(getting mad): Well, fem-boy, it was only my job.  And speaking
of that, it's _also_ my job to take _offenders_ to the principal's
office.

Ranma: (gulps) Principal's...office...heh heh heh...

********

(Scene: the Honourable Bull, early afternoon.  Meushi is talking to
a contractor while pointing out some of the damage done by Chagi. 
Ukyou and a slightly scorched Ranma walk in.)

Ukyou: ...day wasn't _all_ bad, Ranma.

Ranma(mutters): He almost charbroiled me!

Nodoka: (walking over) What are you doing home already?  It's only
one-thirty.

Ranma: They cancelled it.

Nodoka(curiously): Why?

Ranma: (shrugs) Structural damage.

Nodoka: (deciding it's probably better not to know) Well, then, you
two can help out in the restaurant until it opens up again.

Ranma(walking away; mutters): _Not_ my day, just _NOT_ my day...

Ukyou: (sighs) At least you didn't get hit on. (she follows)
(Nodoka raises an eyebrow.)

********

(Scene: evening. Tarou Tom is walking through his door.)

Tarou: [What a day.  Just my luck to be stuck having to clean up
fem-boy's mess.] (throws his cloak over a nearby chair) [At least I
only have to see him during school hours, and school should be out
for a few days...] 
(He starts upstairs, and we switch scenes to Ranma's room.  He is
looking out his window with a thoughtful look.  There is a knock on
the door, and he turns around, closing the curtain.)

Ranma: Come in, Ukyou.

Ukyou: (walking in) How did...

Ranma: (sighs) Who else?

Ukyou: Just came to see how you were doing, and if there was
anything I could do to help.

Ranma: Arigato, Ucchan, but I don't think you can cheer me up right now...

Shoto: (poking his head in the door) Getting _friendly_ in...
(Ranma nails him in the face with a well-thrown chair.  Shoto
stumbles, but manages to remain conscious.)

Ukyou(under her breath): I wish.

Ranma: Don't push me, Shoto.  I'm a trained martial artist, and can
hurt you in ways you can't even imagine.

Shoto: (laughs) Some martial artist, so far you've been manhandled
so often it isn't...
(Ranma slams the door in his face.)

Ranma: You're not worth killing.

Ukyou: Much better.
(Ranma walks over to the window.)

Ranma: At least this day can't get any worse.  (*crack*boom*ominous
roll of thunder*) Huh?  I wonder if it's storming...
(He turns to open the curtains, and we shift scenes again.  Tom is
in his room.)

Tarou: [Well, at least I should get lots of those thousand yen
bonuses from this school.  I'd better, because I'm almost out of
mon...] (*crack*boom*ominous roll of thunder* Tarou sits up) I could
have sworn it was clear out.  (he heads towards the window) I wonder
if the weather's turned...
(Tarou opens his curtains at the same time as Ranma does.  They look
across at each other from the two neighbouring houses for a few
moments, then both calmly slide the curtains shut.)

Ukyou: Bad weather, Ranchan?

Ranma: Much worse.  (he sighs an opens the closet) AAAHHHH!!!
(Ranma dodges back as a foot flies out at him in a vicious snap
kick.)

Chagi: Die, Saotome!
(Ranma slams the closet door on Chagi.  A brief silence follows,
then a few pitiful bangs.)

Chagi(muffled): Let me out of zis closet!  I can not get a good kick
off!  Let me out!

Ranma: (holding the door closed) Why me?

                             The End

Postscript: And so the continuing saga of Ranma: the Kyoto
Chronicles...well...continues.  Hope you enjoyed it.  Now, some
people out there might be wondering why Pantyhose Tarou is in
_every_ _single_ fanfic we do, even though he's not a regular-or
even highly recognized in NA-character from the series.  Well, the
reason is really very simple.  Save for Ryouga in Epsilon's case or
Blade's beloved Ukyou, he is our favourite character, and we _want_
to.  And if you don't like, it, well TOO BAD!!!  SUFFER! ^_^  And as
for the next chapter?  Well, this has been building up for two
chapters now, the inevitable battle to end all battles.  Have the
continual interruptions during Chagi's challenges been the only
thing saving Ranma's life...or the only thing keeping him from
winning?  The final answer, the decisive battle, the climactic
conflict is next, in..."Chagi Strikes Back; Revenge Is Mine!" Also,
look out for the continuing adventures of Senchi, Tzubi and the rest
of the crew in Ranma: CoD (for the not _quite_ last time it is _not_
a fish).  Chapter 7, Vision Quest, should be coming out soon. 
Ukyou: Affairs of the Heart, a paragraph-style semi-serious series
will soon be out, and Love Potion #9, a finale one-shot, should be
finished by October.  Jya na, 
                                          Blade and Epsilon 

Handy Special Move Guide:

Hakutorakyaku: White Tiger Kick
Abare-Oushi-Kougeki: Raging Bull Charge