Cops In Nerima
  the Kolkhoz Connection

-=-


Scene 1: The other side of the tracks


-=-

[Cut to a police officer's desk.  A nameplace says 'Chief - Kolkhoz
District'.]

Chief: Hmph, unlike those deluded fools in Nerima, we really -do- have a
quiet district over here.   In fact, there's only one problem in the
area - a bizzare string of robberies...  The victims usually find
themselves unconscious before they can see the assailiant.  The items stolen 
usually have little intrinsic value - oranges, pottery, hats, pez 
dispensers...  I have to admit, we're completely baffled..

[Gets up from his chair, and exits his office.  The camera follows.]

Chief: My men are all hard at work on the case.  [most of the officers in
the outer office are asleep.]  We won't rest until we catch the criminal. 

[calling out] Isn't that right, men?

[The sleeping officers all jump in suprise, falling out of their chairs.]

Officers: H-Hai!

Cheif: [nods]  That's the spirit!  [turns to the camera]  All right, I'm 
handing you over to one of my best men- he'll be out investigating  that 
case today.  Heh, who knows, maybe you'll catch the mysterious thief on 
tape..

[The Chief walks up to an office door, and knocks on it.  A man opens it a
crack, and peers out.]

Man: Who's there?

Chief: I'm your boss, you fool!

Man: What's the password?

Chief: [sighing] Mechalekahai, mechahainiho.

[pause]

Man: [opens the door]  Okay, you can come it.

[The camera follows behind the cheif.  Once inside, it focuses on the man,
who instinctively puts up a hand to cover his face from view.]

Man: What's that?

Cheif: It's for a tv show.  They follow real police around, to show the
public how well they're protected.
 
Man: I not going to be a part of any propagandist lie..

Chief: Listen Morada, you're doing this.  There's no choice in the matter.
       [leaves]

Morada: [puts the hand down finally]  If I've got no choice..  My name 
is Fokushi Morada, head of the special investigations department.  As 
I'm sure the cheif's already explained, there's been a large number of 
weird robberies lately..  No explanations, just a lot of missing items..

[Morada gets his jacket, and opens to the door to his office.]

Morada: But that's not what you're here for. I suppose you want some
action, to keep the auidence's interest..  I'll take you to the last crime
scene...

-=-

[cut to a car.  Morada is driving, carefully, watching in all directions
constantly.]

Morada: I have my own suspicions about this case, but they're probably not
fit for television..

Cameraman: Really?  Cool, let's hear it!

Morada: [raises an eyebrow]  The truth?  I don't think you can handle
it...

[Morada pays attention forward.  The car is silent for a while..]

Cameraman: C'mon, let's hear it.

Morada: You really want to know?  I think the robberies are staged by the
government; a method of convincing the public they need a police force at
all, and thus be able to keep tabs on them more easily.  Think about it -
why would a country that barely even has a white collar crime problem need
such a large police force?

[pause]

Cameraman: Get out of here!

Morada: Told you you wouldn't be able to handle it.

-=-

[Still in the car, but it's obvious some time has passed.  The car pulls
up to a sidewalk, and stops.]

Morada: Here we are..

[Morada gets out, and the cameraman soon follows, trailing after him.  The
scene doesn't look different from any sidewalk, save for a cute ribbon
lying beside a garbage bin.]

Morada: It's baffling.  Every scene is completely devoid of prints or
clues..

Cameraman: What about that bow?

Morada: [bigsweats] What bow?

Cameraman: The one right over there..

Morada: I don't see any bow...

[As they're talking, a short, pretty girl skates by on rollerblades,
hugging a jacket.]

Girl: Ohh, Marle, you're soooo  KAWAIII!!!!!

[She zooms off past them, and is soon followed by a man trying to run
after her.]

Man: Come back with my jacket!!!

[Morada looks at the ground, up into the sky, and starts whistling..]

Morada: Yes, it's very mysterious indeed...

Cameraman:  Have you ever even visited this area before?

Morada: [defensively] The reports filed by the victims usually tell us
enough...

[As they're talking, another man, this time on rollerblades, skates onto
the scene.  He stops when he sees Morada.]

Man: Officer Morada, how.. Pleasant to see you.  [smiles warmly]  I trust
it's another..  Silent day in Kolkhoz?

Cameraman: Are you kidding, I just saw some girl...

Man: [cutting the cameraman off]  It's a good thing Azusa's behaving
herself these days isn't it?  It'd be a shame for another scene like the 
last time you tried to arrest her...  It was your badge, wasn't it?

Morada: [quietly] Yes, it was..  And a very good thing that Azusa's been
such a..  Fine, upright citizen...
        
Man: Good, good..  [skates off]

[Morada cocentrates on his feet intently.  Finally, he looks up.]

Morada: Did I tell you about this theory I had...?

-=-

 
Scene 2: The courage of duty


-=-

[Cut back to the police office.  Morada is back to brooding in his 
office, far and away from the camera.  In front of the camera now are two 
other police officers - their tags show them to be officers 'Shizuka' and 
'Uresai'.]

Uresai: Don't pay any attention to that stupid 'case' of Morada's, or the 
chief's rantings.  This district isn't as quiet as he likes to say..

Shizuka: Most of our problems are fights that spill over from Nerima.

Uresai: Hey!  Who's talking here!  [ahems]  He's right;  their police 
force just can't cope!  But us, we can handle anything they throw our way!

[Shizuka nods.]

Uresai: Why, I remember that one time that ridiculous bandanna kid walked 
straight through a couple of houses!  Nerima district tried to hold him, 
but their walls collapsed within seconds, but not us!

Shizuka: He's right.  Ours were thick enough that they almost lasted half 
a minute...

Uresai: [bops Shizuka on the head] Be quiet!  Anyways, as I was saying, 
we're the best, and that's all there is to it.

[Both nod contently.  Suddenly, an officer leaps up from his desk, 
holding a phone.]

Officer: Folks, there's an emergency!  Reports are just coming in about 
some white-robed guy who's throwing weapons all over the....

[before he's finished, mutters of 'oh no, not him!', and 'not another 
bloody martial artist..' can be heard, as the policemen all find things 
to busy themselves with - outside the room.  Uresai and Shizuka almost 
immediately dissapear from sight.  That is, until the camera is pointed 
down, to underneath one of the desks.]

Uresai: [quietly] Did they pick someone yet?

[the camera shakes in a negatory fashion.  Uresei grabs for the camera, 
and it's hauled under the desk, presumably along with the camerman.]

Uresai: It's not like we're afraid or anything, but we want to give other 
officers a chance to prove themselves...

Shizuka: Yeah...

-=-


Scene 3: Adventures in Crowd Control


-=-

[Fade in to a pair of policemen, standing beside their bikes.  Sunlight
glints off their sunglasses and badges, and they just ooze with coolness. 
One of the officers is a man whos badge identifies him as 'Suzuki', while
the other is a female named 'Miata'.]

Suzuki: I hear you've had a pretty boring time on this show lately, but
don't worry, you're in luck with us.  The beat police, that's where it's
really at.

Miata: [smiles, her sunglasses doing that cool light flashing effect]  No
kidding.  We're the ones that really have to deal with the problems around
here.  Overzealous martial artists, overzealous aliens, overzealous
mermai...  Well, a lot of overzealous people, just trust us.

Suzuki: Yeah.  But we're off to do the most dangerous job a police
officer in Kolkhoz could imagine..

Miata: [gasping] You don't mean...?

Suzuki: I do.  [motions to the camera]  But let's keep them in suspense..

[Miata nods with a grin, and they both hop onto their bikes.]

Suzuki: Just follow along behind us!

[the officers zoom off, while the camera stays motionary..]

Camera man: Hey!  Wait!  I don't have a vehicle!!    [muttering]  I hate
my job...

[Slowly, the camera begins to follow after the quickly dissapearing police
officers..]

-=-

[The camera fades in again, with a light panting noise heard in the
background.  The two police officers are looking at the door to a mall
with some trepidation.]

Suzuki: [bowing to Miata] Ladies first...

[Miata smirks, and motions for the camera to follow.]

Miata: I don't know if you'd call it a dangerous role that we play here,
but it's important for the public's safety..

[The camera follows along behind Suzuki and Miata.  As they get past the
entrance hall of the mall, it opens up into a series of shops.  Just
ahead, in the main square, we can see a large commotion.  A large group 
of females are crowded around...  Something..]

Suzuki: It's started already!

[Miata and Suzuki rush off towards the crowd, they push their ways 
towards the center. The camera is unable to get past the horde of 
females, so it is moved back a few steps.  Meanwhile, you can barely see 
the two policemen wade their way forwards.]

Miata: [shouting out] People please!  Calm down!

[Vaguely, a chant is audible.  It sounds something like 'San - zen - in!  
San - zen - in!'.  The two officers manage to get to the centre of the 
commotion, and are able to get the crowd to move out a bit.  Behind them, 
is the same blonde boy who talked to Morada earlier.]

Sanzenin: Ladies..  Please!

[The crowd quiets down.  Miata and Suzuki sigh in relief as the crowd 
pulls back a bit.]

Sanzenin: Thank you.  I know it may be overwhelming to be within my 
presence, but please, I ask you to wait your turn.  The great Mikado 
shall get to you all.  But first, I must thank our officers..

[Mikado sweeps Miata into his arms, and kisses her passionately.  Watch 
those cheeps progress through deeper and deeper shades of red...  
Finally, Mikado brings her to her feet.  She looks rather dazed.]

Miata:  Uhh, ahh..

Mikado: Nay, you needn't speak, my darling...  

[He immediately turns to Suzuki, who jumps back.  Mikado extends a hand, 
and after a while, Suzuki shakes it.]

Mikado: Now officers, if you could help organize these fine ladies into a 
line..

[Suzuki goes back into the crowd, getting the females into a semblance of 
a line.  It starts to go back to the entrance hall, and then out of the 
mall.  Meanwhile, Miata stands at the front of the line.]

Miata: [dreamily]  I like this part of the job best...

[Mikado gives Miata another kiss, while the other females wait 
impatiently behind her.  Near the back of the line..]

female #1: I was in front of her!  How dare you put me behind?

female #2: No way!  I was ahead of you by two minutes!

female #3: I was in front of _both_ of you!!

Suzuki: Now ladies please, if you could just line up in an orderly fashion..

female #4: Harridan!

female #5: Tramp!

female #1: Line-cutter!

[The conversation devolves from there into sounds of unimagiable violence 
and chaos, intermixed with the occasional scream of Suzuki, who's in the 
middle of it all...  Meanwhile, Mikado is still kissing Miata, as more 
and more of the line gets involved in the fight...  Fade to black.]

-=-

The end!

-=-

Cops in Nerima
  The Kolkhoz Connection

A Sound and Furry Production


written by: Eric Jones
original concept by: Andrew Huang (still waiting for his!)


The	Productions-----starring	Not responsible for any brain
Sound	Furry		Andrew Huang	Meredith Laver		damage
and-----the		Eric Jones------Mike Chen		incurred
http://confused.student.harvard.edu/~furry/