On Mon, 7 Apr 1997, Andrew Huang wrote:

  RpM: wild and random humor

just to let you people out there know I get moody on occasion as well....
(insert evil laughter here)

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                              ___________
                              On The Edge


   I'm listening to the clouds roll by, feeling that chill in the air that
you always feel just before it's about to rain.

   You know that chill.  

   In the distance I hear the warning rumbles of thunderclouds, but I
ignore them.  Rain isn't a big concern to me.  Not at the moment, anyways. 

   I'm sitting here, on the edge, wondering what to do next.

   It really isn't clear to me, although I don't know why.  I'm just... 
well... here.  I should be doing something, right?  Screaming, yelling,
cursing, crying... something?  But I don't know what to do next.

                                  *

   I should have minded my own business.  Should've, would've, could've.
Heck, who am I kidding, I had to get involved when I walked by Furinkan
and saw Ryouga at the top, just looking down with a blank, empty face.

   "Hey, stupid, what're you doing?" I asked.  He didn't really notice me
at all, just staring down from the top without any trace of emotion.

   "Ryouga?  Hey, Ryouga?"  Now I was starting to worry.  I mean, it was a
bad time for a lot of us at the moment.

   And I know he always overreacts.

   "Oh jeez," I muttered to myself.  He wouldn't!  Not Ryouga.  No way.
"Hey, sugar, don't move!  I'll be right up there!"

   Why was I helping this idiot?  I didn't have a really exact answer
then.  I still don't know now.  Well, dammit, nobody can sit by when
someone's about to die, right?  I just did what anyone else would do.

   I'd like to think that was the case, anyways.

   So I raced up to the top of the school, my footsteps echoing through
the empty building.  I didn't like that, the echoing, I mean.  It just
made things feel too... too... isolated.  Alone.  At the moment that was
the last thing I needed to feel. 

   When I opened the door to the roof I was scared.  Maybe Ryouga had done
it.  Maybe he'd already jumped.  Maybe I should have stayed down below and
tried to catch him.  But no, he was still there, just standing right on
the edge, like he's always done with his emotions.

   Dammit, Ryouga, why do you have to be so emotional?

   "Ryouga?"

   He barely turned in my direction and grunted in reply.  Good.  At least
he was acknowledging I was there.

   "Listen, sugar, don't do anything stupid, okay?"

   His lips went into a grim sort of smile.  "Don't do anything
stupid.  Right."

   "Just... step a little this way, okay?"

   "Don't do anything stupid," he said again, this time with bitterness.
His face was twisting into something angry, something miserable, a mask of
utter rage and despair.

   Or maybe that was his real face.

   Maybe.

   I don't know.

   Maybe I'm just getting too philosophical.  You can't blame me for that,
though, can you?

   "Don't... do anything... stupid," he said yet again.  This time,
though, he sounded on the edge of going berzerk.  "Ukyou... do you know
what my problem is?"

   "Um... no, not really," I said, really hoping I didn't sound nervous.
"Now c'mon over here, please?"

   "What's wrong with me," he said slowly, finally looking right into my
eyes with his bloodshot ones, "was that I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"

   "Ryouga, I don't understand what..."

   "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!  DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!  I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING AT
ALL!  I COULD HAVE TOLD HER I LOVED HER BUT I... I... I never... and now
it's too late... and she..."

   At that moment he seemed to go from towering figure of anguish and rage
to someone... well... tired, I guess.  Just tired with being angry all the
time maybe, tired at raging against everyone and everything.

   Tired of life.

   But I was gonna be damned if I was going to allow that jerk to use
Akane and Ranma's mar... mar... if he was going to use THAT as an excuse
to do something stupid like kill himself!

   "Listen, mister, you think you're the only one going through hell right
now?  Huh?"  I stepped defiantly towards him, forgetting for the moment he
was right on the edge, and pointed a finger at his face.  "You think this
has been easy on me?  Huh?  Well it hasn't, you jackass!"

   "You don't unde-" he tried to say, but I wouldn't let him stop me.  Not
when I was on a roll.

   "Hey, don't interrupt!" I bellowed, really getting angry at him now.
"He was the first boy I EVER loved!  He was the ONLY man I ever loved!  I
dedicated my ENTIRE LIFE to him, and now that he's... he's..."  I was
going to lose it right there, break down and cry, but somehow I found the
strength to hold it back and keep on yelling.  "You don't see me about to
kill myself, DO YOU?!"

   "Now wa-"

   "And what about Akari, dammit?!  She loves you more than Akane eve-"

   "SHE'S GONE, DAMMIT!  SHE LEFT ME!!!"

   I met Akari.  Once.  She seemed like the sweetest girl in the world.  A
younger Kasumi with a pig fetish.  How on earth could he have...

   "H-how..." I managed to stammer.  This wasn't good.  Akari loved him so
much... if he lost her, something _really_ bad must've happened.

   "I... I realized I had to make a choice... and I chose Akane.  I told
Akari why..."

   "Aw jeez, Ryouga... I didn't know..."

   "And when I finally get back to Nerima... when I'm finally ready to DO
SOMETHING... she's... Akane... she..."  He finally lost whatever was
keeping him upright and angry, and it left him crumpling to the ground on
his knees, covering his eyes with his hands.

   He didn't want to cry.  Nobody does.  But I could understand perfectly
why he was, more than anyone else.

   "Oh, Ryouga.  I'm sorry."

   I reached out, trying to give him a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder.
I guess that was a mistake.  He immediately snapped out of his sobbing and
snarled.

   "Don't you touch me."

   "Ryouga, come on, I'm only trying to help."

   "Easy for you to say," he said with a sad little smile.  "You've still
got a lot to live for."

   "You really think so?" I asked, hoping to keep him talking.  Maybe I
could just get him to talk himself into a calm state?  It seemed like a
good idea.

   "Yeah, I mean... you're smart, you're a great chef, and you're cute."

   "You really think so?" I asked, smiling a little myself.

   Ryouga just nodded.  "At least you've got a reason to go on."

   "And you don't?" I wondered.

   "No.  I don't."

   "Yes you do," I snapped.

   "No I don't.  Give me a reason, really."

   "You're not so bad, y'know," I said, hoping to build his self-esteem up
like he'd just managed to build mine.  I didn't realize how much I needed
to hear that until he said the words, and now I wasn't about to let him
down.

   "Yeah, right," he said moodily.

   "No, really, I mean it," I said, trying to think of some strong points
about the idiot.  One wrong word and I might set him off.  I was scared,
just so scared.  This wasn't something I could deal with.  Give me an
enemy to fight or a romance to begin, I can handle that.  But now I've got
this shattered person in front of me and I don't know... I just don't...

   But I have to try, right?

   "I mean... you're... you're strong, stronger than Ranma.  You're brave. 
You're kind, and sometimes when you try you can be kinda sweet." 

   To my surprise, those words didn't affect him much at all.  He was
still there, on the edge.  But at least his face was just emotionless,
instead of that angry scowl he had a moment ago.

   It wasn't an expression I was used to seeing.

   He was thinking.  I think he was, anyways.

   "I'm tired of feeling like this, feeling that every day is hell and
being lost every damn day of my life and being afraid of the rain."

   "C'mon, I'll help you through things.  I promise."

   More silence.

   "You think Akari's going to take me back?" he asked.  I could sense the
fear and anxiety in his voice.

   "There's only one way to find out, sugar."  I held out my hand.  From
his position sitting on the ground, he looked at it, hesitating.  Then he
took my hand and let me help him back up.

   "Come on, Ryouga, let's get outta here."  I was relieved that things
finally were looking good.  Who could blame me for wanting to get out
of there in a hurry?  I let go of Ryouga's hand after giving it a
reassuring squeeze, then headed for the door.  "C'mon, I'll even treat you
to a free... okono... ah... Ryouga?"

   I stopped, the door in my hand, as I realized he wasn't following me.
I looked back and he was still there, on the edge.

   He smiled a sad little smile.  "I'm sorry, Ukyou.  I can't..."

   Then he was gone.

                                  *

   I'm sitting on the edge, wondering what I did wrong.  I'm looking down
there, into Ryouga's lifeless eyes, and somehow they seem to be peaceful. 
It's the first time I've ever seen him peaceful.

   For a moment, I envy him.

   A reason.  He wanted a reason.  Thinking back, I really didn't give him
a reason, did I?  No, not really.  I just told him he's a nice guy.

   I'm on the top floor of Furinkan High school, still sitting on the
edge, looking down at someone I knew, wasn't really close to, but had a
lot in common with.  I worked with him a few times, trying to get Ranchan
and Akane separated, but that's about all we did together. 

   Oh, Ryouga... I'm sorry.

   I'm on the edge, and I don't know what to do anymore.


                                 -end-

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comedy?  what's that?   ^.-
-RpM, going back to his medication...
http://www.uh.edu/~rpm/fanfic.htm