It was a dark and stormy night. No, honest it was. You know what
that means. Yes, another question for me and my partner about why he
works with a woman. I really HATE dark and stormy nights.
At least he doesn't make jokes about it anymore, probably due to
the fact that I used to knock him into orbit every time he made a crack.
I stopped for two reasons. For one thing, I was starting to remind
myself of my ...well, one of my fiancees too much. For another thing,
not being a dimwit, he stopped making cracks.
I checked my pocket to reassure myself that my gun was there, and I
hadn't left it in my other trenchcoat again. Of course, who knows what
kind of special ammunition my OTHER fiancee has probably loaded it with
this time. Not that ever I use it unless I have to. A gun isn't an
honorable weapon...but neither are those tommy guns the gangsters around
here use.
I then checked back in the hallway behind us. The three of them
were lurking in the shadows as usual, watching me and Mamoru. I sighed.
This isn't supposed to be a double date, uh triple date...whatever. Reika
had warned us this could be dangerous. I wasn't sure WHY I was so tense.
It's not like Reika was going to shoot us or anything, but who knows what
could happen.
Mamoru reached for the door, then turned to me and said, "Ladies
first." Okay, maybe he DIDN'T get the message from all those boots to
the head. I sighed.
"Whatever." I walked in the door. The room was a mess. Not that
I expected much of a hellhole like the Chelsea Arms, but then Reika's not
the type to strew her possessions all over her hotel room. Or leave the
window open. Or to be pinned to the wall by one of those fold up beds.
I blinked.
A few seconds later, I also noticed the three men wearing
underwear on their heads and carrying handfulls of beans. Oh, they had
knives too. I hardly noticed, given that the average knifeweilder is
only marginally more dangerous to me than oh, say, a bowl of soup.
One of them began chanting something while pointing at me, while
the other two brandished their knives threateningly. Oh, I'm scared.
NOT. I lept forward, not bothering to draw my gun, casually kicking the
knives out of their hands simultaneously with their feet, then proceeding
to pummel them thoroughly. I heard running in the hallway. Here come
the ladies.
Mamoru had advanced on the other goon, whapping him in the head
with that cane he always carries. I used to wonder why, until the first
time he hit me in the head with it. It must weigh a hundred
pounds...He's a lot stonger than he looks. Whatever the bozo was
chanting, it didn't work fast enough. Then we heard the running on the
fire escape. I yelled, "Mamoru, keep the girls busy while I chase this
guy." I lept out the window, in time to see the guy hop into a Bentley
and roar off. I got down the liscense plate number, for what that was
worth. I probably should have chased him, but it sounded like Mamoru was
getting beaten up, so I headed back inside.
He was getting beaten up. Akane was pounding him in the head with
a mallet, while Ukyou kept smacking his butt with that giant spatula of
hers, and Usagi was just yelling at him. "Where is Ranma? You let them
kidnap her again, didn't you! Ma.."
I sighed. "That would be kidnap HIM." Usagi drives me nuts
sometimes. A sweet girl, but a real ditz. Well, a sweet ditzy girl who
turns into some kind of avenging goddess sometimes...But that's another
story.
"Ranchan!" Ukyou shouted, then ran over and hugged me. "You're
safe! I was afraid Mamoru had knocked you out the window like that time
in Brazil."
Akane was over there in an instant too. My turn to get malleted.
"You baka! I thought you were dead!"
"Jeez, you seriously thought three morons with underwear on their
heads could kill me?" Now I was insulted.
She paused and looked around. "Hmm. Dirty underwear too. Bleah."
Mamoru was busy pulling down the fold-away bed and checking on poor
Reika. "She's dead, Jim."
"My name is not JIM! If you call me Jim ONE MORE TIME!!!" My name
is Saotome Ranma, but you'd never know it to hear Mamoru talk.
Mamoru examined her carefully. "Hmm. Beans up her nose. You know
what that means..." He trailed off ominously.
"How the hell am I supposed to know what that means besides the
obvious fact that someone PUT beans up her nose."
Mamoru sighed. "Did you even READ the telegraph she sent us?"
"There was nothing about BEANS in the telegraph!"
Mamoru paused. "Good point. Wait...maybe I read the wrong
telegraph." He pulled out a piece of paper and read it. "PLEASE BUY
BEANS ON WAY HOME STOP LOVE USAGI." He blanched. "Usagi, WHY DID YOU
KILL REIKA BY STUFFING BEANS UP HER NOSE?"
Usagi began to cry. Ukyou whacked Mamoru in the head, then pointed
to the beans the underwear-wearers were wearing. "What, like THESE beans?"
"I...Right. I'm sorry, Usagi, I should have realized you wouldn't
have done this. I'm just a little tense."
Akane was busy looking around. She had picked up several letters
for the mess on the floor, as well as a matchbook and two business
cards. "Maybe we can figure out what's going on from this."
"Hey, we're the detectives. We'll figure this out." I said.
She laughed. "Yeah, like you always do. C'mon Ukyou, we have a
case to solve."
I sighed. Here we go again...
**************************************************************************
Haircuts of Nyarlathotep
or
At the Mountains of Jyusenkyo:
The Strange Case of The Call of Cologne
or
The Sailor at the Doorstep
A strange Call of Cthulhu/Sailor Moon/Ranma 1/2/Whatever else
crossover :)
With Apologies to Larry DiTillo, Lynn Willis, and H.P. Lovecraft.
Oh, and those Takashi and Takeuchi people, too.
***********************************************************************
We called the police of course. Poor Reika. She was an old friend
of Mamoru's. He was really shaken up over this. Akane, Ukyou, and I
went over the evidence while Usagi tried to put Mamoru back together
again. That was why he had freaked out to the point where he could
accuse Usagi of having anything to do with this.
Reika had indeed sent a telegram to Mamoru and I, but like I pointed
out earlier, it had NO beans in it.
HAVE INFORMATION CONCERNING KUNOU EXPEDITION
STOP NEED INVESTIGATIVE TEAM STOP ARRIVE NEW
YORK JAN 15 STOP SIGNED REIKA.
See, no beans at all. Reika's an archaelogist and anthropologist.
She tends to investigate really crazy groups and places, like the time
she dragged us to Ikea, the city of furniture. But I digress.
Mamoru and I did a little research on the Kunou Expedition while we
waited for her to get to New York. We found a few newspaper clippings.
BIG APPLE DATELINE
TATEWAKI KUNOU, the playboy who everyone knows, and half
the women in New York have beaten up, is quietly leaving New York
tomorrow to check out the tombs of Egypt! You've seen the cuties
Tatewaki has found and been clobbered by in the nightclubs--who
can doubt he'll dig up someone--er, something --equally fabulous
from the Egyptian sands?
New York Pillar/Riposte, April 1, 1919.
KUNOU EXPEDITION EMBARKS FOR ENGLAND
Led by fabulousy wealthy and amazingly dimwitted playboy
Tatewaki Kunou, the Kunou expedition departed this morning for
Southampton aboard the crack British steamship The Minnow II.
Contary to earlier reports, the expedition will perform researches
in London under the auspices of the Penhew Foundation before
continuing to Egypt next month. Rumors of being stranded on
a Pacific Island for this entire time are greatly exagerrated.
Readers may recal the enormous party which Mr. Kunou gave in
the Waldorf-Astoria hotel upon reaching his majority and shippping
his father to somewhere in Siberia. Since then, scandals and reg-
ular trips into Low Earth Orbit have become his trademark, but he
has remained popular at local parties, because everyone enjoys a
good laugh, and he's always good for a laugh.
Members of the Expedition have been reluctant to reveal their
purpose in Egypt, assuming they actually HAVE one and Mr. Kunou is
not simply running for his life.
OTHER MEMBERS OF THE EXPEDITION
Reknowned Egyptologist Sir Aubrey Demand is assistant leader of
the team, and in charge of excavations and looking malevolent.
Dr. Soichiro Tomoe, a fashionable 'Freudian' psychoanalyst and
fringe scientist, accompanies the expedition to pursue parallel
researches into ancient pictographs, UFOs, Atlantis, psychic powers
giant wombats, the care and feeding of Daimon eggs, and the impending
heat death of the universe, not necessarily in that order.
Miss Nabiki Tendo, linked in the past to Kunou, sometimes
against her will, will act as photographer, archivist, bookie and
professional blackmailer.
Mr. Ryouga Hibiki, friend, confidante, and bodyguard to Mr.
Kunou, accompanies the group as tour guide, translator, general
factotum, and pit depth tester.
Additional members may be lost...secured in London.
--New York, Pillar Riposte, April 5, 1919.
KUNOU EXPEDITON FEARED LOST
MOMBASA (Reuters) --Uplands police representatives today
asked for public assistance concerning the disappearance
of the Kunou expedition. No word of the party has been
recieved in nearly two months.
The expedition left Nairobi on August 3, ostenibly on camera
safari, but rumor insisted they were searching for King
Solomon's Grail Mines.
Kunou and his party reportedly intended to explore portions
of the Great Rift Valley, to the northwest of Nairobi.
--New York Pillar/Riposte, October 15, 1919.
KUNOU MASSACRE CONFIRMED
NAIROBI (REUTERS)--The massacre of the long missing Kunou
expedition was confirmed today by district police repres-
entatives. Tatewaki Kunou, New York's most obnoxious play-
boy, is counted among the missing.
Authorities blame Nani? tribesmen for the shocking murders.
Remains of at least two dozen expedition members and bearers
were artistically arranged to form a diorama exploring the
pathos of life and the merits of a pure orientation towards
philosphy as expressed in the Sha'na'na (The Book of Enlight-
enment Through Creative Killing).
Kodachi Kunou, Tatewaki Kunou's sister and apparent heiress to
to the Kunou family fortune led the dangerous search for her
brother and his party. She was quoted as saying, "HO HO HO HO!
It's about time this happened!"
Other expedition members missing and presumed dead are: Sir
Aubrey Demand, noted Egyptologist; New York socialite, bookie,
and professional extortionist, Miss Nabiki Tendo, and Dr. Soi-
chiro Tomoe. Many bearers are presumed dead, as if anyone
cared.
--New York Pillar/Riposte, May 24, 1920.
After that massive exposition, I paused to note today was January
15, 1925 for the benefit of the readers. "So what new evidence do we have?"
I asked Akane, giving her an excuse to reveal more necessary information.
"Well, let's see. We've got a business card from the Penhew
foundation."
I nodded. "The people who helped sponsor the expedition."
"We've got a letter from a curio salesman in Egypt to Kunou."
"What's the salesman's name?"
"Faraz Najir."
"I know there isn't anyone named Faraz here, but what's his name?"
Akane malleted me in the head. Geez, what a tomboy. I just point
out a fact, like a good detective and...
Ukyou said, "That is his name. Faraz Najir, not Faraz not here."
"Oh. Uh...oops."
Ukyou continued. "Business card of an importer here in New York.
A bad photo of some ship named DAR<something>."
I blinked. "DAR<Something>? What kind of weirdo puts brackets in
the name of his ship?"
"No, no. All you can see is the first three letters. The brackets
were for the benefit of the readers."
"Hmm." I ignored the breach of the fourth wall and dug through
the pile of notes on the evidence we'd found. "A matchbook from a bar
in Shanghai. A letter about a book from a librarian at Harvard...
Reika's been getting around."
"Well, so did the Kunou expedition. I wish we had some way to
know why she was researching it...or wanted us to help her."
An idea popped into my head. "D'oh! Her publisher is here in New
York! He should know."
"Well, if Mamoru is done moping, we can go right now."
I nodded. Here we go...
*************************************************************************
Maybe some day I'll finish this...:) Just felt like sharing.
John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu
naru@sailormoonfan.com
rhea@tass.org
http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
"But I wonder whether people who ask God to interfere openly and directly
in our world quite realise what it will be like when He does. When that
happens, it's the end of the world....For this time, it will be God
without disguise; something so overwhelming that it will strike either
irresistible love or irresistible horror into every creature. It will be
too late then to choose your side...That won't be the time for choosing;
it will be the time when we discover which side we have really chosen,
whether we realized it before or not. NOW is the our chance to choose the
right side. God is holding back to give us that chance. IT won't last
forever. We must take it or leave it."
--C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, final paragraph.