>From some reason this story refuses to post on the list so I'm trying
one more time.  If the other two posts were delayed and cause spam, I
apologize but this is getting annoying.

Sincerely,

Megane 6.7

 On Sun, 6 Apr 1997 07:31:01 -0400 you wrote:

: It occured to me that I never announced the winners of the 1996 Anime
: Bulwer/Lytton contest, taking place in May 1996.

Isn't that "Bulwer-Lytton", one name?


: Now:  it's time for the 1997 contest.  The object is to create the worst opening for an anime fanfic in the entire world.  Just an utterly evil opening.

 

Does it have be an opening?  I wrote a “Top Ten Excerpts from Fanfics
that We Wished We had Never Started to Read in the First Place.” a while
back.  I'll repost it here for those who haven't seen it yet.  C&C is
welcome.


“Top Ten Excerpts from Fanfics that We Wished We had Never Started 
to Read in the First Place.”   

>From the Desk of Megane 6.7

This is a work of Fiction.  All Characters and Landmarks, with the 
exception of Taimak, are the property of Rumiko Takahashi, 
Shogakukan Video, Kitty Films, Viz Video, Shonen Sunday, and 
anyone else who legally owns the rights.  

Some of them are endings, some climaxes, others just plain weird.  All
of the fanfics they are from are fake and were never meant to be
written, at least by me.  I hope you enjoy them. 

Warning: This piece contains darkfic stuff, shockfic stuff and even a
little lemon.  You have been warned.


(Drum Roll Please.....)


10.  Ranma smiled as he gazed upon his new bride, knowing that he had
finally found the one person he was destined to spend the rest of 
his life with.  Ranma turned to face his new lifemate and was about 
to say something but couldn’t find the proper words to express what 
he was feeling at that moment.  

        “Ranma?”  His bride inquired.

        “Y....Yeah?”  Ranma nervously replied.
        
        “I....I love you.”  She gave him a smile that lit up the room, 
her eyes filled with the tears of joy, of happiness that knew no bounds.

        “I....I love you too, Cologne.”

        No further words were Necessary as they embraced one another 
for a kiss....the first of many to come and a future yet unwritten 
between them, yet a glorious one to be sure.

        The End.


(Excerpted from “You’re never too old to be young”)


9.  Shampoo stared down at the bloody pool.  Her eyes were cold as 
flint, showing neither remorse, regret, or pity.  Her mouth was 
twisted into a crooked smile, the smile of one who had just 
experienced a guilty pleasure that she had long denied herself.

        Shampoo took a moment to reflect on the possible repercussions
of her actions, wondering if perhaps she had gone too far, that she 
had been building up a deep and personal resentment and loathing 
for the now dead victim and that it had clouded her judgment on how 
to deal with it....

        “Nah.”

        Shampoo took a last look and then jumped on her bike and pedaled
away from the carnage and soon found herself back at the Nekohanten
where she immediately went into the kitchen....


A FEW HOURS LATER....


        Kasumi had already prepared dinner and Ranma quickly took
a seat at the table and started to stuff his face along with the rest of
the Tendo Family.  A little while later,  Soun finished his meal and 
sat back with a look of contentment on his face.

        “Ahhhh...that was splendid.  Kasumi, you’ve outdone yourself.”

        Kasumi blushed at the compliment.  “Thank you father but
thank Shampoo too.  She was the one that brought it to me.

        Genma and Ranma glanced at Kasumi in surprise.  “Really?  Genma
wondered aloud.  "Where did she manage to find a duck around here?
They’re out of season and very expensive to buy now.

        “Who knows?  Maybe she sent away to China for it or somethin.”
Ranma shrugged as he picked at the bones.

        Genma raised an eyebrow and was about to question Kasumi further
on the subject when Shampoo suddenly arrived and glomped onto Ranma.  A
moment later, Akane’s mallet crashed onto Ranma’s head.

        “Ni Hao, Ranma!”  Shampoo exclaimed joyfully.

        “You pervert!  Can’t you wait until the meal’s finished before
you start flirting with Shampoo?!?”  An enraged Akane shouted.

        Ranma calmly pulled the mallet from his head and turned to 
face Shampoo.  “What is it?  I’m tryin to eat here....”

        Shampoo smiled.  “Ranma like duck Shampoo brought him?"

        "Mmmph?"  Ranma took the time to swallow.  "Oh yeah, it 
was great!"

        Shampoo's smile grew wider.  "Shampoo happy you enjoy meal. 
Mousse would have been happy.  

        "Mousse?  Why would he be happy?"  Ranma asked.

        "Because you had him here for dinner...."       

        Ranma stopped in mid-chew while the rest of the Tendo family
also stopped eating, their mouths agape.  Shampoo paused for a 
moment and then added with a little grin.

        “Mousse bother Ranma and Shampoo no more, yes?"


(Excerpted from “Duck-Boy: The Last Day”)


8.  The policeman could only gape in shock.  No matter how many times
you see death, you never get used to it.  But this....
        
        The cop felt the coffee he had drank just an hour ago turn
sour.  It was a miracle that he hadn’t already thrown up from disgust 
at the carnage.  He reached for his portable radio and noticed that his
hand was shaking.  With a supreme effort, he forced himself to calm down
and radioed dispatch for the coroner.

        Then he walked inside the house, still dripping with the blood
of the victims.  He blanched as he got a close up view of one of them. 
The skin of the panda’s throat had been ripped and pulled over it’s 
face so it would not only die of blood loss, but of suffocation as well. 
There were other bodies, some of them with their mouths and eyes glued
shut or open.  The policeman really didn’t want to examine 
every body to see which was which....

        CRASH!!!!!

        The policeman instantly drew his pistol and aimed it towards
the source of the loud noise.  At the top of the stairs, a young 
women, covered with blood and welding a double edged axe 
glanced down at him and smiled.

        “W.....W....What h....happened here?”  The policeman 
stammered nervously.    

        The woman glanced down at the bloodbath and then looked
back up at the policeman and smiled again....

        I JUST GAVE THEM A BACKRUB.


(Excerpted from "The Private Diary of Kasumi the Axe Murderess")      



7.  Ranma could feel his spine shatter.  It hurt.  A lot.

        His opponent smirked as Ranma forced himself to get to his 
feet, trying to balance on his good leg while pressing his arm against
his side, trying to keep his ribs inside his body long enough to keep 
fighting.  The otaku sneered at the battered Ranma.  “And still you 
rise?  Why don’t you just give up?  I’m immortal now, nothing can 
stop me from taking over the entire universe!”  His voice was shrill 
as he began to gather up his ki again.  

        Meanwhile, Akane was still suspended over the rocks, the 
ancient rope holding her up beginning to fray under her weight.  At 
the same time, the jug containing the water from the Nannichuan 
teetered on the edge of the cliff, another few centimeters and it 
would be gone forever, as would any chance of Ranma becoming a whole man
again.

        The otaku laughed, the laugh of pure insanity as he prepared
to launch the mother of all ki-blasts at Ranma.

        “PREPARE YOURSELF FOR OBLIVION!!!”  The otaku 
screamed as he fired off the ki-blast and sent it hurling towards 
Ranma, the light from it blinding all of Ranma’s senses....

        Then it hit, the explosion was deafening, the light was 
blinding, Akane was screaming.....

        “RANMAAAAAAAAAA!!!!”

        The otaku laughed to himself as the blast began to clear. “I
wish I could say you were a worthy opponent Saotome.  But in 
reality, you sucked....huh?”

        The otaku gasped in shock when the blast finally cleared and
revealed a steaming and very *PISSED* Ranma still alive, if not 
battered beyond recognition.

        “R....Ranma?!?!  I....Is that you?!?”

        “HERE’S A HINT.... MOKO TAKABISHA REVISED!!! 
SONIC GENOCIDE SMASH!!!!”

        The otaku had one brief moment to blink in surprise before
the shockwave from Ranma’s latest improvisation tore him to shreds.
“IT’S NOT POSSIBLE!!!  NO ONE CAN DEFEAT AN OTAKU!!!! NO ONE!!!!!!” he
managed to scream before his body was ripped to shreds and forced back
into the realms from which he came.

        Ranma collapsed to his knees, exhausted from the effort and
from the previous beating he had received.  As he tried to catch his
breath, he made a mental note never to make a snide remark about
revengefic writers ever again.

        “RANMA YOU IDIOT!!!  I’M STILL HERE!!!”

        Ranma quickly rose to his feet and began to walk toward 
where Akane was still hanging over the edge when he noticed the
jug of Nannichuan water had somehow managed to stay on the edge
of the cliff.  Ranma looked at it, then at Akane, then back at the jug.

        “RANMA!!! DON’T YOU DARE EVEN THINK ABOUT GOING FOR THE WATER
BEFORE ME!!!”  Akane screamed so loud, her voice was instantly hoarse.

        Ranma sighed.  He had once sacrificed a chance for a cure
to save Akane.  Once more time shouldn’t hurt.

        Slowly, reluctantly, Ranma turned his attention towards
Akane and began to walk towards her....

        *SNAP*

        AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

        “AKANE!!!”

        Ranma dove towards the edge of the cliff, ignoring the pain
of his battered body as he made a grab towards the rope holding 
Akane up.  It was a desperate move, one any high school football 
coach would have been proud of....

        But he missed.

        “Shoot.”  Ranma snapped his fingers.  “If only I hadn’t 
hesitated for that brief moment, I might have been able to save her.  
Oh well, at least I still have my....cure?

        Ranma looked at the cliff in dismay as the jug of water once
hanging on the edge had finally lost it’s grip and plunged down into 
the chasm.  

        “Crap.”  Ranma sighed again and sat down where the jug once
stood and peered down into the seemingly bottomless drop.  Then he heard
the sound of someone grunting and groaning and glanced over 
to see a pair of hands appear at the top of the cliff.

        “AKANE!  YOU’RE OKAY!”  Ranma was lost in bliss as he 
ran towards the pair of hands trying to lift themselves up.  “This time
I’m going to do it right!”  Ranma thought to himself with excitement. 
“No more pretending!  This time I’m going to tell Akane how I 
really feel about her!”  Ranma had almost reached her when Akane pulled
herself over the top and Ranma quickly ground to a halt.

        For the first time in his life, Ranma was too shocked to make
a joke as the now *Male* Akane handed Ranma the pieces of the broken
Nannichuan jug.

        “You wanted this?”  he inquired sarcastically.
                        

(Excerpted from "The Otaku that Wouldn’t Die")
        

6.   It was time for the truth.

        Nokoda swallowed hard as she felt the eyes of the entire Tendo
family on her.

        “W....Well....I....I just want you to know....that I never 
planned on this happening....not at first, anyway....”

        Genma felt his hand wanting to ball into fists.  He had to
remain calm, at least until she told him which man she had been 
having the affair with.  THEN he would kill him.

        Ranma, not surprisingly was thinking upon similar lines.  He
simply could not fathom his mother cheating on Pop, even if he was 
an idiot, which meant someone had put her up to it and when he 
found out who that person was....

        Soun was calm, which was surprising considering the 
circumstances, he had known Nokoda even longer than Soun had,  
He had introduced the two when they were younger and it had 
seemed that their marriage would last forever.  Now, though....

        Kasumi was busy cleaning up the dishes from tonight’s dinner
but none the less kept her ears wide open as to the identity of 
Nokoda’s lover.  It had been a shock to her for Nokoda reminded her 
so much of her own dearly departed mother and to find out that 
Nokoda was capable of cheating on her husband, the man she had swore an
oath to be forever faithful to, was almost beyond her comprehension....

        Nabiki sulked in her chair, silently seething over the loss of
the profit that keeping this secret from everyone would have surely
given her.  Nokoda, as far as she could tell, wasn’t as cheap as 
Genma and Ranma and she would have made a tidy sum if her 
father hadn’t opened his big mouth and told her to spit it out.  Still, 
she could make a deal with whomever Nokoda’s lover turned out to be....

        Dispite her now being off the hook, Akane was still nervous.  
She had known who Nokoda had been having the affair with since 
the beginning and had desperately been trying not to betray 
Nokoda’s trust, especially to Nabiki.  At first she had simply wanted 
to kill him, but Nokoda had assured her that she instigated the sex 
and that she was to take the full blame for it.  Even though adultery 
was wrong, she couldn’t help but understand why Nokoda had done 
it.  Genma was hardly the perfect husband.  Hiding Ranma away 
from her and helping Happosai steal food and ladies undergarments.  
Still, her heart was pounding as she waited for Nokoda to come 
clean.

        After a long moment, Nokoda spoke again.  

        “I....I was lonely....terribly lonely....being without your 
husband or son was almost too much to bear....I had always hoped 
to visit you here at the doujou but you were always away on a 
training trip....”

        Both Ranma and Akane glared at Genma who paled noticeably.

        “So one day, he came to my home asking for directions.  It
was late and a thunderstorm was brewing outside so I invited him to 
spend the night in my house.  I was just trying to be kind to a 
passing traveler and he was very polite to me.”

        Nokoda took a deep breath and continued.  “I made him some
tea and we started talking.  We had a lot in common.  His mother 
and father had left him at an early age.  He had been traveling for 
most of his life and was lonely himself.  We talked some more and
then....well....”

        “Go on!”  Genma almost shouted.

        Ranma’s face had suddenly turned white.  

        “T....Traveling.....asking for d....directions....”

        Nokoda closed her eyes.  “O....One thing lead to another and
that’s when it happened.  We made love.  It was a one night stand.
N....Nothing more.”

        Ranma’s face was white as a piece of chalk as he croaked.  
“What....was his name?”

        Nokoda hesitated.  “The name!  Give us a name!”  Genma 
demanded, cracking his knuckles in readiness.

        Nokoda sighed and was about to tell them when suddenly....

        “Pardon me.  Can you tell me how to get to....Hey!  I made it!”

        Everyone turned as one to see Ryouga Hibiki standing by the
door, a look of joy on his face at finally finding his destination.  His 
expression though quickly changed to a look of haunted recognition 
as he saw Nokoda.  Nokoda’s eyes went wide as she pointed 
towards him.

        “T....That’s him!  That’s the man I’ve been having the affair
with!”

        There was a dead silence.  Soun and Akane both winced.  
Nabiki, for the first time in her life, was too shocked to take 
advantage of the situation.  Even Kasumi, the picture of utter calm,
stuttered as she exclaimed.  “Oh my....GOD!!!”

        Ranma and Genma were a different story though.  Their 
battle auras had never been brighter as they slowly rose to their feet
and began to stalk towards Ryouga.

        “W....Wait a second!!”  Ryouga stammered nervously, 
wondering why Akane wasn’t stalking him as well.  “You mean you
know this woman?”

        “SHE’S MY WIFE/MOTHER!!!”  Genma and Ranma screamed
simultaneously as they leapt upon Ryouga and started to beat the 
living crap out of him. Akane immediately tried to stop them, 
knowing Ryouga wasn’t totally to blame.

        “Stop it!  You’re going to kill him!”  Akane frantically looked
around for something to give them pause and she found it with a 
glass of cold water.  “Cool down!”  she shouted as she dumped the 
glass of water over the three of them.

        Then she dropped the glass in shock.  There right in front of
her eyes, were a furious pig-tailed girl, an equally furious panda....

        And a small little pig named P-Chan.....


(Excerpted from “Aftermath of the Storm”)    


5. No doubt about it.  This had been a pretty good day.

        Nabiki was virtually skipping as she counted up her latest 
accumulation of wealth from the photos of the pig-tailed girl that 
she had sold to Kunou.  “What a fool....”  she muttered to herself.  
“You’d think by now he would have figured out that Ranma and 
the pig-tailed girl are one and the same....

        Then again, it was fortunate for her that he hadn’t.  
Otherwise, she never would have been able to keep her financial 
empire afloat for such a long period of time.  She was truly the
mistress of the yen.....

*Sung briefly to the tune of “Master of the House” from Les
Miserables.*          

Welcome Kunou
Sit yourself down
And meet the best
Exploiter in town.

As for the rest
All of them kooks
Chasing Saotome
Most of them cooks

Seldom do you see
Honest girls like me
I make many a cent
And am content to be

Mistress of the Yen
Doling out the Charm
Ready with a handshake
I mean you no harm

I’ll keep a saucy secret
Or spill it to the town
Depends on what you ask, 
But I will never frown

Glad to do my friends a favor
As long as profit can be made
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has a special price!

Mistress of the Yen
Keeper with a clue
Ready to relieve you
Of a hundred or two.

Exaggerate the truth
Cleaning off the slate
Picking up their tidbits
And twisting their hate

Everybody hates a welcher
Everybody’s got their price
I’ll do what I please
And I’ll suck them dry of every single yen!


(Excerpted from “Ranma 1/2: The Musical”)


4.  Shampoo moaned in ecstasy as Gosunkugi tenderly kissed the 
nape of her neck, her long legs wrapping around his waist as she eagerly
plastered her body to his, her well-endowed chest pressing 
into Gosunkugi’s own.  Her hands played with his chest hairs.  All 
two of them.

        “Do you want me?”  Gosunkugi asked in a whiny voice.

        “More than anything, Ai Ren....”  Shampoo replied huskily as
Gosunkugi undid the buttons on Shampoo’s dress, one by one, 
while Shampoo stuck her hand down the front of Gosunkugi’s 
pants and gasped in shock.

        “It....It so big!  It no fit!”

        Gosunkugi grinned.  “We’ll just have to find out won’t we?" 


(Excerpted from the Harecore Lemon “Beauty and the Least”)


3.    The two warriors faced off against each other behind the school.  
Neither of them willing to show the other even the slightest trace of
fear.

        “I hoped it wouldn’t have to come to this....But now I see 
it’s time to find out once and for all who the best marital artist is.”
Ranma said as he clenched his fists in determination.

        The other figure nodded in agreement and took up a classic
cedar posture.  Ranma gathered up his ki, intending to throw his 
most powerful technique, the one that rarely failed him.  Then once 
he was ready....

        “HIRYU SHOTEN HA!!!”

        An enormous whirlwind of massive proportions hurled itself
towards his opponent.  At the same time, Ranma could hear a voice
screaming....

        “COSMIC SHISHI HOUKOUDAN!!!”

        That was the last thing Ranma heard as the universe exploded.
        

(Excerpted from “The Hibiki Heard Round the Universe.”)  



2.  Tatewaki Kunou sat in his dressing room, perhaps for the last time.

        He had a lot of good memories here.  Photos of his past 
shows, people he had met along the way, places he had visited in
his long and industrious career.   He felt a pang of regret that he had
to retire now, that people just weren’t seeing him as much as they 
used too.  His manager had warned him to retire while he was on top but
the truth was that he had loved the stage so much that he couldn’t bear
to leave until he felt he was ready.

        Now his manager had left him, along with a tidy share of 
his money from the divorce settlement.  Nabiki never did understand his
needs fully, never understood that to him, his audience was his oxygen
and without it he would die, perhaps not on the outside, but 
on the inside.

        Then the door opened and the stage manager stuck his head in
the door.  “Five minutes, Mr. Kunou!”

        “That’s UPPERCLA....”  Kunou trailed off as the door was 
already closed, his scolding unheeded.  Kunou sighed and then put 
the finishing touches on his make-up.  If tonight truly was his last
performance then he would make it his finest.  He owed nothing less 
to his fans.


*       *       *


        “And now ladies!  As manager of  “The Blue Thunder” It’s my 
pleasure to introduce the star of our show, the personification of 
poetry, the excellence of elegance,  Ladies, Here’s is Tatewaki 
Kunou!

        The cheers were deafening as Kunou made his way on stage
dressed in a tuxedo and with cape and hat to match.  Kunou bowed
towards his audience and then the lights went out and a single 
spotlight illuminated him as he began to speak.

        “Ladies, this will be my final show and....”

        “TAKE IT OFF!!! TAKE IT OFF!!!”  The women drowned 
him out.

        “Must they always interrupt my opening speech?”  Kunou 
sighed inwardly as he began to strip for the ladies.


(Excerpted from “These Nine Abilities of Mine”)


And the number one passage from a fanfic which wish we hadn’t 
started reading in the first place....


1.      5. Oh Dad!  Oh Kasumi!  Oh Ranko!  Oh Nokoda!  Oh Happosai!


(Excerpted from “Top Ten Rejected Lines for a Lemon Fanfic”)


THE END.