[SPAMFIC] "Umpire Princess Magoo"
By Henry J. Cobb
$Id: umpire_magoo.txt,v 1.2 1997/04/13 15:27:47 hcobb Exp $

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On the last night of the baseball strike, when all hope for a compromise
seemed lost, one girl blundered into the smoke-filled negotiation room.

This is her story.

She is:

    Umpire Princess Magoo

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The scene opens in the Beverly Hills Magoo mansion, financed by the
princess's share of the kickbacks from the bookies.

Above the fireplace is a large portrait of Mr Magoo, squinting happily,
with the caption: "Beloved Uncle".

Small hands grasp the edges of the sports section of the newspaper in
front of a large antique chair.

A shrill voice calls out from behind the paper.  "Panda-san, they've
actually done it!"

Genma Panda enters the living room in a partial French maids outfit,
carrying a tray with a hotdog and can of soda.  He places the tray down
on the table next to the chair, then pulls a wooden sign out of
hammerspace.  <<What?>>

Umpire Princess Magoo drops the sport section down into her lap.  The
princess is short and scrawny and can't be more than twelve.  She wears
a Cardinals baseball cap sideways with a auburn ponytail pulled out of
its back to her right.  Under the cap she is wearing a huge pair of
glasses that magnify her golden eyes to what is hopefully four times
their actual size.  Her Braves t-shirt is short, even for her, and fails
to cover her belly button.  Cutoff blue jeans and mismatched tennis
shoes, with mismatched socks (one red, one white) complete the outfit.
"They're on strike!"

<<Who, the players?>>

"No."

<<The owners?>>

"No."

<<The concessioners?>>

"No."

<<The umpires?>>

"No, they've learned the folly of revolt against my will."  The princess
licks along her braces.  "No, it's the mayors.  They refuse to play ball
and fork over public funds at the rate to which we desire to become
accustomed."

<<Horrors!>>

"Come, we must fly."

Somewhere over California, Panda-san has stripped down to the fur and
flies through the night by spreading his arms and making airplane sounds.

Miss Magoo stands on his back, riding like a surfer, the wind whipping
her ponytail back.

At times like this, she might almost be cute, if she ditched the cap,
got a decent hairstyle, somebody other than Panda-san picked her attire,
the braces did their job and were removed and she switched to contact
lenses.  But, come to think of it, contact lenses in her prescription
would make her eyes bulge out horribly, so just forget it.

Panda-san circles around the pan-American building and alights on the
roof of a modest brownstone.

Da Mayor, the sharpest parliamentarian mind in the country and the
recipient of more tobacco money than even senator Helms, stirs in his
sleep as he senses another's presence in his room.  He awakes with a
start and sits up in Da Bed.  Strangely, there are no showgirls or
football players sharing it tonight.  "Who's there!"

Da Mayor looks to his left and sees a panda, his head snaps around to
confront the master of the beast.  "Magoo!"

"It seems that your little proposition is headed for defeat."

"Now, look, I've done all that I could to get a downtown stadium, but
the voters just aren't buying it."

"You haven't done everything."  The princess stabs her finger forwards
menacingly.  "There are friends you have, special favors you could call
on."

"Stop sputtering on my coatrack bitch!  You're getting my fedoras all
wet!"  Da Mayor reacts with his usual outrage to any assault on his
sense of style.

The princess takes off her huge glasses and pulls up the bottom of her
shirt to wipe at them.  Somehow this action does not expose herself, not
that she has any "talent" to expose anyway.  She turns back to Da Mayor
and grins evilly.

"Aiiie!"  Da Mayor holds up a hand to protect his eyes from the glare
off of her braces and glasses.  "OK, OK, I'll do it.  Just shut your
mouth!"

"This is your final warning.  Do not fail me again."

The Princess makes the tomahawk chop motion towards Da Mayor and when he
regains his senses, she and the panda are gone.

Next Episode:

Our Heroine attempts to assert dominance over Japanese Baseball.

Skuld and Miss Magoo are fighting, hammer against aluminium baseball
bat, on a catwalk high above the floor of the Mizunokoji sporting goods
manufacturing plant.

Below, Urd and Panda-san are engaged in full contact tickle wrestling.
Urd seems to be winning.

Skuld strikes a lucky blow and Magoo's glasses go flying.

"I am the master now!"  Skuld hisses, as she draws back her hammer for
the final blow.

	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb