<As the lights come up in the theatre, we see two figures watching the 
screen. One is a tall, thin, aristocratic elf, by the name of Windir;
the 
other is a fat, squat halfling with grease dripping down his chin, who 
uses (when he admits his identity) the name of Frito. They turn to face 
us as the camera zooms in.>

Windir:  Good day. My name is Windir, and this... gentleman, here, is my 
colleague Frito.

Frito:  Hey, howzit goin'?

<Windir frowns at Frito. Frito ignores him, and pulls a handful out of 
the barrel of warehouse-variety popcorn at his side. He stuffs it into 
his mouth, chewing noisily. Bits fly out of his mouth and land on
Windir, 
who winces and fastidiously brushes them off his doublet.>

Windir:  Although we have been involved in the critique of soi-disant 
"fan fiction" in the past [Editor's note: see 
<http://www.tfs.net/~tbutler/myths/myth.html>, in the Boot to the Head 
section], anime fan fiction is a field new to us. However, after seeing 
the favorable critical attention garnered by such releases as _Wings of 
Honneamise_, I felt we should make the attempt to aid and assist those 
who wish to write in the form of this richly diverse genre.

Frito:  Aw, come off it, Windy! You just wanted to look at all the
nekkid 
babes you heard they had in anime! <Leers at a Viz poster for _Nihao my 
Concubine_>

Windir:  Ahem... We have been following this list for the last week or 
two, and have seen some -- indeed, much -- of merit, worthy of acclaim. 
However, as even the best of us can improve with the proper advice, it 
seemed the proper thing to step in and offer our suggestions, in the
form 
of a review.

Frito:  Yeah, ri-ight. You just love tellin' em what to do. Ya know what 
dey say -- them that can, write; them that can't, crit...

<Muttering "Boot to the head!," Windir kicks Frito in the head, knocking 
him into the barrel of popcorn.>

Frito <popping up out of the barrel>:  Ow!

Windir:  AS I WAS SAYING, we are providing our services to the
community, 
in the form of reviews of fan fictions that our author finds
particularly 
interesting. Our subject for today will be "Ranma 007&1/2", by Brett 
Handy.

<The lights go down in the theatre.>

    By popular demand (and on threats of violence) I'm posting the first 
little bit of the Ranma/Bond story...

Windir:  I must admit, I am looking forward to the presentation of this 
idea. The multitude of cheap action pictures that are loosely grouped 
under the manque of "James Bond" is a field richly deserving satirical 
treatment.

Frito:  "Richly deserving?" Whatta ya talkin' about? They got lotsa 
action, lotsa gadgets, and lotsa babes! What'dja want for a buck-fifty 
plus download time, fuzzy dice?

    Ranma swept his foot into the first assassin's knee,
shattering it.  Leaping over the heads of the other two, he
grabbed one by the shoulders and threw him into a brick wall. 
The remaining assassin looked at the figure standing before
him in a tuxedo, "You've had it pretty-boy", he snarled.

Frito:  "He?" He who? The assassin, or the guy in the tuxedo? Like the 
action, though. More blood! More guts!

Windir:  Really, Frito -- does Bond ever get that graphic? He attacks 
someone and they go down. There's no need to resort to such
grotesqueries 
as shattered kneecaps. 

    "Oh come now", Ranma said contemptuously, "You know how
much I dislike knives".

Windir:  I'm afraid this dialogue doesn't sound in character for either 
Ranma or Bond. Ranma's speech patterns are rather less couth than this, 
and Bond never resorts to contempt -- he's suavely above that sort of 
thing.

    An affirmative groan was all the response he needed and
he walked calmly out of the alley, brushing a few motes of
dust from his tux.  

Frito: Hey, where's the closing comment? Bond always makes some kinda 
sarcastic comment as he walks away.

Straightening his collar he reapproached
the young lady waiting for him, "I'm sorry about that my
dear", he said, sitting down in the drivers seat of the
Austin-Martin.

Windir: I believe the car 007 drives is actually called an 
"Aston-Martin." 

Frito: Alright, alright, knock it off with the nitpickin' already! He 
said it was a draft and it ain't polished, and he can catch the little 
boo-boos in the editin'!

    "Morning Kasumi!", Ranma greeted the receptionist
cheerily, throwing his coat onto the coat-rack.  He looked
around at the neat and tidy office, it looked like it had only
been cleaned a few minutes ago (and with Kasumi that was
probably correct).

Windir: I must admit, I rather like this character piece. This is
exactly 
the sort of thing that would come to mind when I think of Kasumi. 
However...

    "Ranma", she replied happily, "N wants to see you right
away".

    Ranma sat down on the desk, "I'm sure she does", he
replied, "But don't *you* have anything for me?".

    She nodded and fished under her desk, "Here you go", she
said, placing a plate full of cookies on the desk.

Windir: ...this is the reason why I can't support casting Kasumi as 
Moneypenny. Although Moneypenny is indeed a sweet and gentle person, she 
also loves to tease and flirt with 007. I simply cannot imagine Kasumi 
*ever* stooping to such a thing. "Eternally innocent," as the Muse might 
say... 

Frito: Alright, who would ya put in her place? Kodachi?

Windir: <Shudders> Dear Ghu, no.

Frito: Shampoo? Ukyou?

Windir: ... <Glares down his nose at Frito. This apparantly has even
less 
effect than before, as Frito gives him a cheesy grin in return.>

    Ranma jumped off the desk and walked into N's office,
"Sorry Ma'am", he apologised, "I didn't have the opportunity
for breakfast this morning".

    N nodded, "Too busy getting your latest girl home before
dawn?", she asked.

Frito: *You* might have a problem with Kasumi, but I gotta problem with 
Nabiki. She ain't old enough to have that kinda authority. I was
thinkin' 
of that teacher, watzername? Specially after the way that older broad
was 
dressin' Bond down like a schoolboy in _Goldeneye_... <Leers at Windir> 
'Course, that ain't the only kinda dressin' down Wind-bag here was 
droolin' over...

Windir: FRITO!

Frito: I got the security camera recordings, if ya want 'em. <Elbows 
Windir in the ribs.>

Windir: <Struggling visibly to stay under control> Ahem! Be that as it 
may... Perhaps you were thinking of Hinako-sensei? Yes, her personality 
might indeed be well suited to the role. However, you would lose the 
incongruity of the family relationship between Nabiki and Soun. Not to 
mention the running financial humor.

    Minster Tendo nodded, "Yes, your father...  from what
we've gotten out of the CIA, he's been captured by SLOC", he
finished.

    Ranma frowned, "Why would the Superior Lords of Crime
want Pop??", he mused, "I can't understand it".

    N looked up from the document she was reading, "Think
about it Saotome", she said, "If they could change shapes they
could steal from anywhere and not get caught".

Frito: I'll give it to ya straight, boys -- this is lame. That thingy 
Hitchcock was talkin' about, the thing the plot builds on --

Windir: I believe you're referring to the McGuffin. 

Frito: <Giving Windir a dirty look> Right, the *MacGuffin*, since ya
feel 
so strong about it... well, it ain't workin'. I've seen street pick-up 
games that had more tension than this snoozer. I ain't seen nothin' so 
bad since...

Windir: ...the last six or seven Bond films? <Smiles smugly> I myself 
found it an excellently witty commentary on the weak motivations at the 
heart of the latter-day movies. Who could forget the dreadfully 
inadequate rationale for _A View to a Kill_?

Frito: I'm tryin', baby, I'm tryin'.

    Ranma walked from the room quickly and the two Tendos
exchanged a glance, "Are you sure teaming him with *her* is a
good idea?", N asked.

    Minister Tendo nodded, "Every since she got kicked out of
the CIA for being too violent, she's just been ripping up the
house", he said, "It's getting expensive to fix".

    N sighed, "and you don't think that giving them the cover
of newlyweds is not overdoing it?", she asked.

    Minister Tendo shrugged, "I'm sure they'll work out
something", he replied.

Frito: Ohh-whoo-WHOOOO! <Rubbing hands gleefully> I can't *wait* to see 
this!

Windir: <Pained smile> I'm forced to agree. <More natural smile> The 
thought of seeing their normal byplay translated to this setting, in 
combination with the usual Bond/strong lady companion byplay should be 
most entertaining. <Smiling broadly now> In fact, there are a great many 
literary precedents for this sort of situation, starting with...

<Frito gives Windir a Boot to the Head.>

Windir: <Rubbing head> And what, pray tell, was *that* for?

Frito: Why do ya always have to go and *spoil* something? Why can't ya 
just say it's gonna be fun, and leave it at that?

    "Ahh.. 007.. good to see you again", T said as Ranma
walked into the lab.

    "Hey Doc", Ranma greeted him shortly, "What have you got
for me?".

    "You know you're suppose to call me 'T'?", Dr Tofu asked.

    "Aww come on Doctor Tofu", Ranma said, "You been my
doctor for years...".

    Dr Tofu shrugged, "Well I guess I can make an exception
in your case", he said.

Frito: This don't sound right. I don't suppose *you* can tell us why, 
Mister Anal-ytical?

Windir: <Frowning slightly> I... have to admit you're right, it doesn't 
sound natural. Unfortunately, I can't quite figure out why.

Frito: Well well well, bang the drums and pour out the beer! <A stream
of 
beer shoots down from the rafters, soaking Frito. He shakes his fist at 
the ceiling.> Not *you*, dummy!

[Editor's note: Oops. Sorry.]

    The Technician nodded and took aim with the watch, he
depressed one of the buttons and a spurt of gas filled the
small room.  "What the?!??!", the poor fellow exclaimed his
eyes rolled back in his head and he fell unconscious to the
ground.

    Ranma turned to look at Dr Tofu, who was clicking stop on
his stopwatch, "Hmm... five seconds", he said, "Not bad...".

    Dr Tofu pulled a watch from his pocket, "Here you go", he
said, strapping it on Ranma's wrist.

Windir: I must admit, I expected something a little better than this. 
Given Dr. Tofu's character, I would have expected something nonviolent 
but quietly ingenious... not something as pedestrian as a watch with 
sleeping gas.

Frito: Tofu always was a wimp.

    Tofu looked insulted, "Trust me, I've made a few special
modifications myself", he said, "She may not look like much
but she'd got it where it counts".

Frito: Han Solo alert! Han Solo alert!

Windir: Q probably would have come up with something less cliched, yes. 

    Tofu shrugged, "Talk to Nabiki about it", he said, "It's
cost cutting".

    Ranma sighed, it was futile to try talking to Nabiki if
money was involved.  

Frito: <Snicker>

"Well thanks Doc", he said, "I'd better
go and meet my new partner, he's probably waiting for me".

Windir: I would say Ranma has a rather rude awakening coming. As the 
writer is taking care to point out.

    Tofu watched the VW-Beetle scream off into the night,
making sounds that VoltsWahgen never dreamed possible.  "I
*really* hope he takes care of *that* one", he said, looking
at the next car he had to refit for service.  "I still can't
work out how to fit a morris-minor with an autocannon", he
mused.

Frito: Hey, you ever read the story "Sam and the Dirty Mudder"? Came out 
in _Omni_ magazine, back in Dec. 1980? That guy managed ta squeeze *two* 
V-12's, plus a tuned subsonic exhaust, into a Morris Minor...

    "Why don't you forget about that appointment?", said one
particularly large thug, he stepped forward and smiled.

    Akane shuddered at the fangs he displayed, what made them
all the more frightening was the mess of steel that had been
drilled into them.

    "You want us to handle this Jaws?", asked one of the
other thugs, cracking his knuckles suggestively.

    "I told you my name is Ryouga!", said Ryouga, thumping
the thug on the back of the head angrily.

Frito: <Sniggering> Ryoga as Jaws. Now *that* I gotta see. <Hits himself 
on the side of the head> Hey, waitta minute! I thought Jaws' schitck is 
that he always tracks Bond down. That ain't Ryoga? Unless this is one of 
them hum-or-ous juxtaposisns ya keep talkin' about.

Windir: Perhaps that is the case.

    Akane winced as the poor thug's head hit the pavement,
"Look, I'd really like to stay and play", she said, "But I've
*really* gotta go".

Frito: Waitaminute! That ain't Akane! Where's the "I hate men!"? Where's 
the anger? The violence?

Windir: Do remember, Frito, that she matured a great deal since the
start 
of the series. By the time of the infamous "training meal" episodes, she 
was kind and considerate towards Ryouga -- surely you recall her gently 
advising him to desist in his attempts to battle Ranma?

Frito: <Snickers again> Yeah, *after* she kicked Ranma into the next 
county.

    "Not to fast", said one grabbing her arm.

    Akane turned quickly, breaking the grip and throwing him
into his friends, she then turned and walked into the crowded
airport. 

Frito: Now *that's* more like it!

Windir: Yes, but this time she had reasonable provocation...

Ryouga looked at the pitiful remains of his thugs,
"You guys are *really* pathetic", he said scornfully.  He
turned and began to follow Akane, unfortunately, being Ryouga,
he was lost in about two seconds.

Frito: See? SEE! What'd I tell ya! It's a *plot*!

-------------------------------------------------------------

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

    Geeze I've got no idea why the hell I'm writing something
like this :)  - blame it on the 30th anniversary collector's
edition James Bond theme songs album that I just got :)

    Ah well it's nice just to play with characters
occasionally - I've never written something quite like this
before, should I continue or quit while I'm behind??

Windir: If I might make a suggestion to the author --

Frito: Yeah, like you haven't been making them all during this review --

Windir: AHEM. IF I could continue?... I would indeed recommend that he 
proceed with this story. It is quite entertaining in its present form, 
despite any little depreciatory comments I might have made in the course 
of the review, and I would enjoy the chance to read further episodes in 
the series.

Frito: Leave it to ya to take a paragraph to say what could be said in 
three words. Go for it!

[Editor's note: Windir and Frito may be back for further reviews, 
depending on the response this one gets...]