On 4/23/97 10:15 PM, Emily Siazon at emily9@bellatlantic.net wrote:
Warning:this is a parody and should not be taken seriously.This is
just a possibility of why the Ranma tv show ended ^_^
Groan. Terrible. Horrible. I loved it. ;>
Frito: <Snigger> Yeah, ain't it great?
Windir: Undoubtedly you obtained your opinion of this story due to your
abysmal taste (or lack thereof, if one may be completely accurate) in
Art. The story is shallow, shows little respect for its source material,
throws in crossovers without reason, and...
Lyra: Um, Windir?
Windir: <Raising eyebrow> Yes?
Lyra: This is a parody. It's *supposed* to do that.
Windir: Oh.
Frito: Parody, schmarody. It's funny!
. "WORST EPISODE"
===============
Windir: Truth in advertising, one must admit.
Lyra: Hush.
It is a sunny Sunday afternoon in Nerima,Tokyo.The Tendo home
is unusually quiet.The locals took this in as a bad omen and are now
watching the house warily from a distance.
Meanwhile,Akane is in her room packing which Ranma noticed on
his way downstairs.
Windir: <Sardonically> Out of breath after that sentence?
Lyra: All right, so it does run on. Deal.
RANMA:Why are you packing,Akane?
AKANE:Well,a prince hasn't kidnapped me in a month,so I figured one
is gonna come along any minute.
Lyra: Heh.
RANMA:Do you want me to help you fight them off so you don't have to
be dragged off to some strange place?
AKANE:Don't bother.You're not gonna win.
RANMA:[getting mad] What do you mean? I'd have you know that I'm the
best martial artist around!
AKANE:Have you ever won any of your first confrontations with the
princes that kidnaps me?
RANMA:Um...no.But there's always a first time for everything.
Frito: In yer dreams, buddy! He he he...
AKANE:Trust me,it won't happen.If it did,this whole story would be
pointless.
Windir: Hmmm. A reasonable characterization of many later Ranma episodes,
one must admit. At least in the anime, as I am given to understand.
RANMA:You have a point.Say,you wanna play poker while we wait?
AKANE:Why not.The next kidnapper isn't due to arrive for another
fifteen minutes.
There is a brilliant flash of light and dramatic smoke filled
the room.A figure in the middle of all this could be heard coughing.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE:[muttering] Damn special effects!
Lyra chuckles and Frito laughs; Windir smiles slightly in spite of
himself.
When all the smoke cleared,a brown haired boy that looked a
couple of years older than them appeared.He was wearing a black
t-shirt with the word thug written across it in bold,white letters.
AKANE:Wow,you're early.I wasn't expecting you here yet.
THUG:Well,the villain of the week business has been slow lately.
AKANE:Oh,okay.Let me just get my walkman and I'll be right with you.
After Akane gets her walkman,the thug grabs her from behind and
accidentally grabs her chest.
AKANE:Hey watch it! [she starts beating the thug to a pulp while he
pathetically says he's sorry.]
[15 minutes later]
THUG:[lying on the ground looking like he just got run over by a BIG
truck] I think it's time we leave.
Frito: Bwa-ha-ha!
Lyra: <Smiling> Of course, you're going to have all the "Bitter End"
critics on your case now... as 'fellow traveller with the running dogs of
anti-Akane imperialism,' or something like that. Assuming the pro-BE
people don't, ah, 'save' you as a 'true prophet of the evils of Akane.'
<Sigh>
AKANE:Oh,all right.[she walks toward the dimentional portal the thug
had opened near the start of the show.Right before she goes through
it,she turns around crying,her voice shaking in fright] Ranma! save
me!
RANMA:Eh? Why would I do that? You're going on you're own free will.
Akane stops crying and shoves a piece of paper under his nose.
AKANE:I have to say it everytime I get kidnapped.It's in my contract.
Lyra: Besides which, it saves wear and tear on the wardrobe. <Grins>
RANMA:Oh.[Ranma quickly looks at his script then looks up with a very
angry look on his face] Akane is my fiancee! You lay a lip on her and
I'll kill you!
AKANE:[smacks him hard on the head with her script] Idiot! That was
last week's script!
Frito: He he. Oops. <Grins nastily>
RANMA:Oh.Sorry.Well I'll see you later,okay.Remember,tonights your
night to do the dishes.
AKANE:You jerk! I'm getting kidnapped and all you think about is
doing the dishes!?
RANMA:[shrugs] Well,somebody's got to do it.
AKANE:You have a point.
Windir: On his head, no doubt.
THUG:Um...I don't mean to be rude,but we gotta get going.This
dimentional portal isn't a cheap special effect you know.
Lyra: <Sigh> Beancounters. Gotta love 'em.
Ryoga enters the room just as Akane disappears in the bright
light.
RYOGA:Ranma! How dare you let Akane get kidnapped like that! For that
you will pay! SHISHI HOKOUDAN!! [he wait expectantly for the glowing
ball of chi to appear in his hand which failed to appear] Wha?
RANMA:I guess we already used up all our special effects of the week
with that dimentional portal.
Frito: <Snicker>
Lyra: Heh.
RYOGA:Awww.You mean I don't get to destroy anything? This sucks!
Windir: <Disapproving look> Not that he would use this form of language,
one must say.
Dream Sequence
================
AKANE:[running towards Ryoga] Thank you for saving me. [hugs Ryoga
tightly] I love you so much!
RYOGA:[looks into Akane's eyes] I love you too.
Ryoga's heart starts to pound loudly as Akane brought her face
closer to his.He nervously moved closer and puckered up.His eyes
admiring her shiny brown hair...brown!?
End Of Dream Sequence
=======================
RYOGA:[snapping out of it and find himself face to face with Nabiki]
Wha?
Windir: Distracting, but at least it was short... and the end was
moderately amusing.
Frito: Come off it, Windy! Too bad he didn't get ta kiss her... now *dat*
would have been funny! Hehehehehe...
NABIKI:Well,that was certainly an amusing little story.
RYOGA:[turns beet red] Uh,exactly how much of it did you hear?
NABIKI:Enough to blackmail you for the rest of your life.
Frito: Woo, woo! Now dat's tellin' em, Nabs! Stick it to 'im!
RANMA:Not know,Nabiki.Were busy thinking of where the kidnappers
might be keeping Akane.
Windir: "We're" busy...
NABIKI:But guys...
RYOGA:[ignoring Nabiki] It's probably on some far away land.
RANMA:Or an entirely different dimention which means were gonna have
to steal the nanban mirror from Happosai.
NABIKI:[very angry for being ignored] GUYS!
RANMA & RYOGA:What?
NABIKI:You don't have to go to all that trouble to save Akane.
According to the resume the thug accidentally left behind,the place
they're hiding her is only a couple of blocks from here.
Frito: Boot ta da head!
Lyra: <Wry grin> Well, while they certainly deserve it, it's a little
hard to kick them through the screen.
Frito: Aw, it's easy! The screen ain't that tough, remember? Ya kicked me
through it easy a couple of weeks ago...
Windir: I believe that was *not* what she was referring to, Frito.
[a couple of minutes later]
The three end up right in front of the Nekohanten.
RANMA:[skeptically] Are you sure about this,Nabiki?
RYOGA:Why the heck would they hide her at the local ramen shop?
NABIKI:Just check it out.[points at a huge sign that reads: VILLAIN
OF THE WEEK HIDEOUT]
Ranma and Ryoga's face-faults.
Windir: A most awkward sentence.
Lyra: But a good joke. <Grins>
Ranma and Ryoga quickly run in,only to find the thug packing
his things.They quickly got into defensives stances and waited for
the thug to make is move.
THUG:Sorry guys,but I'm not fighting you.I just got a call from my
agent saying they need someone to play Nikaido on that Maison Ikkoku
movie.
RANMA:Er...okay.Where's the main villain?
THUG:Next door on your right.
RANMA:Thanks.
THUG:No problem.[waves as he leaves the set]
Frito: Woow. One 'a them who's got some sense! I think I'm gonna faint!
Windir: Not here, please. The cleaning crew is already less than happy
with your exploits.
Lyra: Uh-huh. We really *don't* need another demonstration of "Martial
Arts Mop-Handling," now, do we?
Ranma and Ryoga quickly makes their way into the room and finds
Akane tied up to a chair and someone who suspiciously looks a lot
like Kuno with a very fake looking mustache.
RANMA:[muttering under his breath] Jeez.I know the show is
underbudget,but this is ridiculous.
Lyra: Oh, I don't know... I could certainly imagine Kuno in one of those
old serials. <Smiles>
Windir: Indeed? My, it must be entertaining to have such an active
imagination.
They quickly got ready for the fight.Their postures indicating
they are all business.
GIRLS VOICE:Hold it negasleaze! I am Sailor Moon! In the name of the
moon...I will punish you!
Windir: Of course. <Tired resignation> What *else* could one expect?
Lyra: Heh.
Ranma and the kidnapper look at the group of girls in confusion
while Ryoga faints at the sight of their barely covered legs.
RANMA:Um...Isn't your set across the studio?
SAILOR MARS:He's right.This is the last time I let you lead the way,
Usagi!
Lyra: Oopsie! <Gives a mock-innocent smile, and giggles>
SAILOR MOON:Waaaaaaaaah! Rei-chan's being mean again!
Windir: As if this were news.
SAILOR JUPITER:[looking at the angry Akane muttering something about
missing her tennis lessons with that babe,Shun Mitaka] Really? You
think he's cute too? He reminds me so much of my old boyfriend with
that deep blue eyes of his.
AKANE:I have a picture of him with me. You wanna see them?
3 SAILOR SCOUTS:[hearts in their eyes] Can we!?
Frito: Aaagh.
Windir: Uncannily accurate.
RANMA:Ahem! If you girls don't mind, were in a middle of a fight
scene here! [walks towards the group of girls to snatch the photo out
of their hands,but trips on a bucket of water on the way.]
KIDNAPPER:Pig-tailed goddess! How I've longed for you!
RANMA-CHAN: Ack!
Lyra: Hoo, boy.
DIRECTOR:Kuno,you're the villain today,remember? you're not suppose
to hit on the person whose trying to kill you.
KIDNAPPER:[ripping off bad disguise and drawing out his sword] Are
you insinuating that my acting has been less than satisfactory?
DIRECTOR:[bigsweat] Heh. Of course not.
Frito: Not if ya wanna live, buddy-boy!
KUNO:How dare you lie to a member of the great house of Kuno! Am I
not the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High!?
Lyra: And it doesn't seem to have done much good, either. Oh, well.
RANMA-CHAN:I just saved you from marrying Kuno.
AKANE:[stands up and gives him a hug] Thank you.
RANMA-CHAN:Um...Akane,there's something I've been meaning to tell you.
I l-lo...
SAILORMOON:[interrupting] Hey! Where's Amy and Mina?
Lyra: Nice try.
SAILORMARS:I knew we forgot something! [makes weird hand gestures at
a nearby kerosene stove.] We're too late! The youma has already killed
them!
SAILORMOON:But they can't do that! We're still on our first season!
[looks Akane over] You know,you look an awful lot like Amy. I know!
You can be the new Sailor Mercury!
Windir: <Sign> Well, it had to happen *sometime*, given the crossover. Of
course, the timeline is completely, wrong, but one must expect these
things from a parody.
AKANE:How much do you get paid per show?
Sailor Jupiter whispers the amount in her ear.
AKANE:Wow! That's twice as much as I make hear!
Windir: "Here."
RANMA-CHAN:But what about our love?
Frito: Yah, like you was able to do nothin' about it before, right?!
AKANE:You could always replace Sailor Venus.Then we could stay
together!
RANMA-CHAN:Yeah.Besides,I always thought I look better as a blond
anyways.
Windir: Nani? <Looks slightly stunned>
AKANE:Let's go then!
The three sailor scouts and it's two future members leave the set
Windir: "Its".
together and head off into the sunset.
THE END
Frito: Awww!
========================================================================
AUTHORS NOTES: I warned you didn't I? This is the kind of things you end
up writing while on a MAJOR sugar high.
Lyra: Hmmm. Know of any good ice cream stores in the area? I think it's
time to give Skuld a call...
Frito: Naah, she'd eat it all before Emily got any.
Windir: You actually want... more?
Lyra: Sure, it's fluff. It's also fun! <Grins> And we could use a little
of that around here, right now. <Grins again>
Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
<http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)
...Like Alice, I try to believe three impossible things before breakfast.