Overall, I think you have a very usable plot here, and the story could
be very good; however, I think you need to develop it a lot more subtly,
and increase your storytelling efficiency. Cut out summaries of things
that happen all the time, and change summaries of unusual events into
scenes. Let the reader infer and figure out instead of using Ranma-chan
to explain. 

The interlinear comments below don't pull any punches, but I hope they
will help you to improve your technique. It's unfortunate that, like
most MFA-equipped workshop writers, I don't know how to be both helpful
and politic. Good luck with this worthwhile project.

Kevin Eav wrote:
 

I'm not entirely happy with the ending of this first chapter, but I can't
think of anything better.... and I'm unhappy with the title.. but here it
is.
"It's Been One of Those Lives (or, While You Were Sleeping)"

One is a cliche, and the other is a ripoff from a movie, so I hesitate
to tell you to use either. However, you might as well pick one rather
than use both. Try to come up with your own title instead -- maybe after
you finish the story, something will occur to you.
 

barely-presentable chemistry homework assignment

You know, they seem to be doing chemistry all the time in fanfics, or if
not, English or Chinese history. (I myself used chemistry last fic.)
Does anyone know what they are most likely to be studying? I propose we
lay off chemistry for a while.

   That night, Ranma smeared the oil over his forehead and arms and
went to sleep.  His dad, in panda form, slept about ten feet away.

If it were Genma, he might avoid the risk by testing it on someone else
first. It would be interesting if Ranma tested it on Genma before trying
it himself... but I should read on.

      Of course, at that moment, the rest of Nerima dropped in.  Ryouga
was first, crashing through the wall.  "RANMA!!"

"Of course" doesn't really justify this level of coincidence. One person
crashing in, sure; not all of them.
 

      "Still and all, it's too bad there was only enough for you.  But
I'm not gonna hold a grudge.  I'm just..."  *SLAM* *BOFF* *CRUNCH*

      "... gonna beat ya up a little, is all."

      Eventually, after Ranma had produced the jar as evidence that there
wasn't any more, the spectators left.  Well, Mousse, Shampoo, and the
rest left.  Ryouga got lost trying to find Ranma to dole out more
punishment for being greedy.

I think this behavior is kind of stereotypical and dull. Mousse,
Shampoo, Genma, and Ryoga aren't exactly a team of rocket scientists,
but it should occur to at least one of them to confront Happosai and
find out where it came from and whether he has any more. I think you're
forcibly holding back the secret of the oil here when the plot situation
demands someone at least try to learn that secret.

      "I am.  It's just... I get the feeling that things aren't over yet
with that curse."

[Ranma-chan: Boy, did he ever have it right there.]

This is what is called "telegraphing." By giving these little nods to
the reader, you diminish the reader's satisfaction at figuring it out
for h--self.
 

      "Well, you don't change in water anymore, do you?  What about
sneezing?  Coughing?  Eating soy sauce?"  Akane received an odd glance
from Ranma at that last one

Avoid passive voice. Say "Ranma gave her a weird glance after that last
one."

, and they both broke out laughing.

Feels OOC to me. The punch in the arm did, too.

      "No, no, no and most definitely no.  I dunno.  I guess it's just
the shock."   

Kind of the way soldiers coming back from the war are still so keyed up
that everything feels wrong to them just because it's ordinary (viz.
_All Quiet on the Western Front_ --literary allusion man).
 

      "Okay.  See you later."

      With that, Ranma got up and went to his room.

This is really flat dialogue and meaningless action--doesn't contribute
to the story. Avoid using stuff that neither entertains nor advances the
plot. I made up an extreme example:

Soun:  Good morning Kasumi.
Kasumi:  Good morning father.
(Soun seats himself at the table.)
Soun:  Ah, breakfast is ready.
Kasumi:  Here's breakfast. Good morning Nabiki.
Nabiki:  Good morning Kasumi. Good morning, Dad.
(Nabiki seats herself at the table.)
Genma:  Good morning, Tendo.
Sound:  Ah, good morning, Saotome. Breakfast is ready.
Genma:  Sure is.
(etc.)

      Toweling off in front of the mirror, Akane wiped a corner of the
mirror off and was shocked to see a familiar color of red behind her.

[Ranma-chan: Yep, that was me.  Guess we lost curses are visible in smoke
or steam through a mirror.  Strange, that.  Anyways.]

Oh! This is like "The Tholian Web" episode of the original _Star Trek._
Good idea.
 

It's a little strange--okay, a lot strange.
What happened, exactly, will become more clear later.]

When you say that, a typical reader's response might be:  No, don't
tease me! Tell me now! Of course you're not ready to tell yet -- so
don't tease. You're still telegraphing.
 

      "Hmmm... strange.  I guess I was just seeing things," said Akane as
she dressed.  It was still hot, so she went out and got ice cream,
bumping into Yuka and Sayuri and giving them the hot news.  They were as
shocked as anyone else, grinning madly and making plans to drop the bomb
on Hiroshi and Daisuke in as devastating a way as possible.  Then the
three went shopping, Akane leaving when the sun was about to set, to get
home for dinner.  "Bai, Yuka, Sayuri... see you Monday!"

Is this meeting with Y&S important to the plot? Are Y&S's plans to mess
with H&D important to the plot? If not, I wouldn't give any space to
them.
 

      By this time, Ranma had woken up, and gone, as usual, to practice
his kenpo in the dojo.  Akane went to call him to dinner.
      "Ranma!  Kasumi's got dinner waiting on the table!  C'mon, or your
dad's not gonna leave any for us."  Ranma nodded, finished his kata
quickly, and the two arrived at the dinner table without much incident.

If there's no incident, you don't need to tell any of this! It's all
wasted language. If a man gets up in the morning, takes an ordinary
shower, puts on ordinary work clothes, goes out his front door, goes
down the usual stairs, walks onto an ordinary street, and hails a cab,
has an ordinary cab ride, and gets to work and something interesting
happens at work, all you have to say is,

"When Ranma got to work, ... <insert interesting event here>"  Only tell
the interesting part, which in your case, is the following passage:

Kasumi's meal was, as usual, extremely delicious, and Ranma and Akane
waged a secret war for the last piece.  Surprising everyone at the table,
Akane won, popping the last piece of dim sum in her mouth triumphantly.

[Ranma-chan: That was my doing.  I guess I couldn't just exist in her
body; I'd also affect her much in the same way I affected Ranma... as she
and I started to mesh, she'd take on some of the physical qualities I
brought to my host, and some of the spiritual and emotional qualities as
well, and some of the knowledge I'd gained when I was dominant in Ranma's
body.]

I'd rather figure this out for myself by having more evidence of it.
It's clear you have the evidence planned out, so just provide it and let
Ranma-Chan shut up. Trust your ideas to work for you.

      After dinner, Akane went to do her homework for Monday, while Ranma
sat and watched TV.  He couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't
quite right, but as he seemed to be the only one feeling that way, he let
it go and went to go to sleep.

Again, this is wasted space. You can put it into narrative that contains
some subtle tension. The following isn't too inspired, but it will serve
as an example:

That night, as Ranma watched "Devil Hunter Yoko," he kept glancing back
at Akane, who was at the living room table sweating over her physics
homework (even with the calculator turned on). "Akane?" he asked. "Do
you feel okay?"
	Akane:  "Leave me alone, I'm trying to concentrate."
	Ranma bit his lip and shook his head.

[Ranma-chan: Now, as I'd said before, I was starting to mesh with Akane.
Not necessarily by choice, but I didn't mind overly much.  Ranma, I
understand, didn't have any dreams that night, but I know Akane did.]

Wasted space, telegraphing. Just give us the dream; we'll figure out the
rest if you write the dream well enough.
 

 

      The school day was pretty typical

In that case, we don't need to know about it!!

, if you can call it that, with

Hinako-sensei punishing a couple of miscreants, Kunou-kouchou shaving a
couple more, and the like.  Kunou, of course, challenged Ranma, and lost.
He made it back out of low Earth orbit in time for third period
Economics.

Skip all this.

  All went well until P.E., during which Sayuri noted (with Ranma in
earshot) that Akane seemed a bit shorter.  Ranma heard, of course, and
immediately agreed.  To Akane's distress, she measured out at a
quarter-inch shorter.

[Ranma-chan: My doing, or rather, the curse's doing, of course.  If Akane
remembered the dream, things would have been a lot worse.]

Telegraphing.
 

      By the time people were done being beaten by the newly-shortened
Akane 

Huh? Do you mean she beat them up for their interest in her height?

(mostly Ranma, but also Kunou,) it was time to go home.  So Ranma

ran along the fencetop, as usual.

If it's "as usual," it's boring. I suggest that after you write every
chapter, you go through it, find every passage that says "as usual," and
remove that passage from the story.

 

      Conversation was sparse

You say this, then report a conversation.

; Ranma seemed much more thoughtful, almost

brooding, than ever before.

Let us figure this out from context.

  "Wonder why you got shorter."

      "Yeah, me too.  Hasn't ever happened before."

DUH.
 

      "Nope."

      And that was pretty much it.

  Ranma was still coming to grips with

the fact that he was no longer cursed.  They passed by the ice cream
shop, and Ranma's face took on a wistful, almost-remembering look.

All we need is the ice-cream shop detail. Don't explain it first -- more
telegraphing.
 

[Ranma-chan: Time for another dream.  You'll probably be seeing less and
less of me

Good, because you're not saying anything I wouldn't rather figure out
for myself.

 as I mesh with Akane, though I'll pop up from time to time.

Sorta like a bad penny, y'know?]

Or maybe a little more like a nagging injury. I liked the narration at
the beginning of the story, but it's really interfering now.
 

Ranma-chan and Akane bumped into each other at the fair.  Akane had
just won a big stuffed raccoon, which she loved and intended to use to
sleep tonight, since her beloved P-Chan was missing.  Again.  It was sort
of uncanny, but that's life. 

Whose opinion is "that's life?" If you want to put your own opinions in
the story, you should establish that from the beginning, not start doing
it a ways in.

 Ranma-chan had just finished showing the

goldfish vendor the power of the Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken, and, to
Akane's surprise, was handing out bags of the little fish to passing
children.  A tap on the shoulder got the red-head's attention.

      "Passing the fish out?  This is so unlike you."

      "You're right.  I must be absorbing some of your kindness in
return."  Ranma bent and patted a smiling kid on the head, then
straightened.  "Plus, it's something I'd never do in the waking world.
Too bad, really... it feels good to be nice, but..."

      "... But?"

      "Well, you know how it is.  Ranma--that is, the full and complete
Ranma--would never do this, no matter how much he wanted to.  It doesn't
fit his idea of the 'strong' man."

      "I guess not, no... but his idea is pretty warped, I think."

      "I know it is.  My job was to try and educate him, to unwarp his
state of mind.  Happousai screwed that up.  So now I don't know what I'm
supposed to do.  Oh, by the way.  We're speeding up; tomorrow you'll have
as much agility, grace and speed as I ever did as Ranma's female side.
Well, not quite... your strength will still be your greatest asset, but
you know what I mean."

OK, I realize this is a dream. Nevertheless, it reminds me of something
I found annoying in Terry Brooks' X of Shannara books:  characters
explaining themselves to each other. I find it very unrealistic; for me,
it says the writer lacks confidence in h--  storytelling ability;
there's no reason for you to lack that confidence, but if you do, don't
show it. 

[Ranma-chan: If this all seems implausible to you, just remember, you're
dealing with a former boy/girl and his curse(d) father.  -Nothing- is too
strange after that; I speak from experience.]

I hardly think this seems strange to the sort of person who reads ranma
fanfics.


DRM

--

My signature file, attending all mails:

If we shadows have offended,
Think but this (and all is mended,)
That you have but slumber'd here,
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend;
If you will pardon, we will mend.
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck,
Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long:
Else the Puck a liar call.
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.
                --Shakespeare, Midsummer Night's Dream