At 03:42 PM 6/16/97 -0700, fido@rma.edu wrote:
This is the revised version of
The Visit. I made some minor changes
in it. Hope you all enjoy it!
Nice job. The revisions worked very well, I think. I'm looking forward to
reading some of your other fics ^_^
Now some technical comments....
(well... I've a rep to uphold <g>.... and overall, you're getting off easy
<weg>)
I think there are problems throughout this fic with how you are punctuating
dialogue and thought. At the bottom of this, I'm adding a file from this
list a long time ago that I think explains how to do this best ^_^ (IMO,
the way you are indicating thought lends itself to the same punctuation
rules as dialogue)
As for other things...
*No one's around. * I thought as I looked around the
cemetery. * Good. It will make this easier. * I walked
along the graves until I came to a simple headstone
I come to a... (verb tense mismatch here, I think)
surrounded by flowers. * From your many admirers, no
doubt. * I thought. I checked my watch * Hmmm...... 7:42 p.m.
Half-hour till sunset. Painkillers should hold okay. Well then,
lets do it. * Standing at the foot of the grave I
let's <-- contraction of "let us"
gathered my thoughts then spoke.
comma after "thoughts"
"It's me." I said. "I'm sorry that I didn't come to the funeral.
They just released me from the hospital a couple of days
ago..... damn doctors. I shook my head, trying to clear away
Close quote after "doctors"
the anguish that was rising up within me. "Everyone else is
doing as well as can be expected. Can you believe Nene made
inspector last week? Nene's co-workers took her out after work
to celebrate."
"She overdid it as usual." I said; a small smile creasing my lips
comma, not semi-colon after "said"
at the memory of the last time I had seen Nene drunk. "You
think after all this time she'd learn her limit. As for me, I'm on
Is this a question or a statement? If a question, then you need a question
mark after "limit". If a statement, then "You" should be "You'd" or "You would"
'light duty.' My shoulder is almost healed. The other wound left
permanent scars. I can't have children." I stood there, trying
"I can't have children" is a tip as to the gender of who's talking. I've
rarely seen it said or written this way and have it refer to a guy. Is
there some other way you can word this?
to gather my thoughts, when the irony of it all struck me.
"You know what's funny?" I said, feeling myself losing the
emotional control I had tried to build up since your death. "After
all the boomer incidents you were involved in, all the fights you've
been in, you go and get killed by some God damn obsessed fan!!!"
I cried as I remembered us walking out of Hot Legs club, arguing
back and forth. Seeing Daley waiting for the usual ending to happen
so he can get back to A.D.P headquarters. The guy running up,
screaming about getting even for betraying his love. Him pulling the
gun out. You yelling 'Look out!', as we try to go for our guns. Your
body flying back as the bullet hits your chest. The pain of the other
two shots hitting me. Someone.... Is it Daley?.... shooting back,
killing the bastard. Daley running up, gun drawn and
smoking..............Damn he looks good like that.........saying
something about holding on...going into shock.... Got
to find out if you're all right....Turn my head to look at you......Shit
that hurt...getting hazy ....DID YOU SAY I LOVE YOU!!?......Black
Nice ^_^
out. Waking up in the hospital and being told you were dead. If
Nene and Daley hadn't been there to confirm it I'd have killed
the doctor for lying to .................. "?"
My new beeper must have been going off for about a minute, before
You don't need the comma here
I noticed. I shut it off, then wiped the tears from my face. "I'm
sorry, but I got to leave. They can't go anywhere without thier new pilot.
their
Sylia probably just wants to keep an eye on me. Hey I'll have Linna
knucklebomb a boomer just for you. Good-bye Leon."
I like the revisions here too -- this works well with the canon timeline
I brushed the brown hair from my eyes. Then I took one last look
at his headstone. It simply read:
Leon McNichol
Born December 8th, 2006 -- Died July 13, 2035
Leon was born in 2007, according to the AD Police manga (Daley was born in
2006, btw) -- if you want to use his voice actor's birthday, it would be
July 16 (someone on alt.fan.bgcrisis recently discovered that the Bubblegum
Crash videogame uses the voice actresses birthdates as those of the Knight
Sabers)
Inspector A.D.Police
* We'll be together soon, lover. * I thought as I started
walking back to my bike.
*Promise.*
Gee... think Priss is going to go out and do something <gasp> irrational and
stupid? <weg> ^_-
THE END
Like I said, nice job ^_^
And now....
Ye *Olde* Dialogue Punctuation Posting:
Date: Tue, 12 Dec 1995 17:15:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Sailor Gallifrey <omega@io.org>
To: fanfic@andrew.cais.com
Subject: Re: Punctuation.
Hi!
Yes, quoted dialogue that does not end a sentence uses a comma
instead of a period. As in:
"But I don't like commas," he said.
Only periods are replaced, not question or exclamation marks. As in:
"I prefer to use exclamation marks, you bastard!" he screamed.
When the order of the sentence is reversed (when the description
starts before the quote) the comma is used when the description connects
the dialogue. As in:
He screamed, "I said that already!"
or
He then scratched his head and said, "I really need some sleep."
Otherwise, it's just a simple sentence. As in:
He scratched his head again. "Where's my bed?"
That's all for today's class. There will be a test tomorrow! ^_^
--Omega
--------------
omega@io.org
small sig, eh?
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Jeanne Hedge
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