Chapter 2: Cry Chaos, and Let Slip the Dogs of Love
or
Tuesday is Scary and Confusing and Profitable
All at Once and This Title Won't End
by Andrew Huang
Ranma lay awake in bed. His father, on the other hand, slept the sleep
of the sometimes-human-but-at-the-present-a-panda, snoring loudly.
He hated not being able to sleep on the account of having to think too
much. <What in Kami's name has been going on today? Akane beats me up,
forces me to eat her food, and then...then....> He grimaced. <Then
she's all over me, swearing her love for me! I swear, she's trying to
get me for something. It's amazing no one else saw anything.... Well,
she did punt away Kunou and Ryouga when they both attacked me.... Kunou,
well, that was normal, but Ryouga? That's really strange. She's never
hurt Ryouga before. I wonder where that pig is anyway....>
The pig was, as he often would be, in Akane's room, squished to her...
uh, attributes. However, he was feeling particularly miserable--
understandably so, considering what he had witnessed between his love
and her fiancee. He was so lost in his melancholy, that he did not
notice a certain Tendou girl sneak in. Nabiki. Nabiki, in search of
something. Nabiki, in search of something, and unnoticed.
<So where is that thing?> Nabiki cracked a mercenary smile. <Wow,
Kunou-chan, you must be desperate.>
**Flashback**
"So, he owes me _this_ much, while I have to arrange--"
*CRASH*
Something embedded itself into the tree under which Nabiki sat as she
tabulated a few odds and ends (and you know what that means) in a
notebook of hers. It startled her considerably.
"Eh? Oh, it's you."
"You" meant Kunou. He extracted himself from the tree, attempting to
brush off the dust from his body. There was also a footprint on his
face. He turned towards Nabiki.
"Tendou Nabiki...what ill fortune brings me in such close quarters with
you?"
"Ah, so nice to see you too, Kunou-chan. I note from the shoe size that
this was Akane's work, wasn't it?"
Kunou snarled. "Perhaps it was your dear sister's unparalleled strength
which brought me here, but rest assured, it was definitely Saotome
Ranma's evil schemings which did prompt her to bring force against my
personage!"
"So, in simple Japanese, you're saying it's Ranma's fault again. What
else is new."
"That letter...I must retrieve it."
"What was that?"
"Nothing of con...well, actually...."
**End Flashback**
<5000 yen for a little letter. I wonder what's in it. Ah! Got it!
Heh.>
She spotted an envelope sticking out from underneath Akane's pillow, and
made a beeline for it. Snatching it up, she looked it over carefully,
finding Akane's name on it...but not the reference to the Pig-Tailed
Girl. <Ah, probably just can't see it in the dim light.> She slipped
out the door, back to her own room.
Meanwhile, back in the guest room, someone was still not getting any
sleep.
<This is far too weird. She even tried to kiss me. Heck, she not only
tried, she almost got me on the lips, too. Bleh! Like I would've
wanted that....>
Ranma finally just gave up, closing his eyes.
"Kawaiikzzzz...."
Okay, so maybe thinking too much to sleep isn't that bad a problem for
Ranma.
------
Morning struck. Fortunately, that was not a painful thing. The alarm
next to Akane's head rang, rousing her from her sleep. She yawned and
stretched, and then suddenly bolted upright. "Wha...what? When
did--it's already--I don't understand...."
Quickly, she hopped out of bed and ran downstairs, not bother to
change. Her wild dash was halted by the sight of a soaked onna-Ranma.
Ranma froze at the sight of his/her fiancee, but Akane didn't notice.
"Ak-Akane...."
"Ranma, umm, what time is it?"
That caught Ranma off guard.... "Um, well, it's...it's 7 am...."
...but his/her/ohheckwiththatit'saherfornow's answer caught Akane even
more off guard. "The last I remember, it was still late afternoon....
"Huh? Late afternoon? What do you mean?"
"The last thing I remember was...you giving me some piece of paper."
Ranma's eyes bugged out. "That--you--you don't remem--I--"
Now annoyed, Akane smacked her upside the head. "Would you stop
stuttering?"
"Ow! Hey! Wait...so you don't remember reading that letter and..."
Ranma now was poking her index fingers together nervously. "Um...that
is..."
"Yes?"
"H...hu...hugging me and ki--"
"WHAT?!!"
Ranma sighed...maybe in relief, but perhaps not.... "You did forget--"
"WHAT KIND OF A PERVERT DO YOU THINK _I_ AM, PERVERT!" *WHAM*
Ranma went airborne. Really, really airborne.
Akane hissed as she watched the silhouette of her fiancee fly off.
"What kind of a sicko is he? Why would _I_ ever want to hug him and
kiss him...." However, her voice had diminished in vengeful intensity
considerably by the end of that sentence. She was now kind of
mumbling. "Yeah, really." She stomped back inside to change and
prepare for the day. As she walked, she passed by Nabiki.
"So, what did he do this time?"
Akane muttered, "He said that I hugged him and kissed him yesterday.
What a crock!"
Nabiki blinked in surprise. _That_ was something she'd not expected.
Behind her, an even more surprised P-chan watched these proceedings,
while Akane left. After a few more moments, Ryouga/P-chan began to pace
as he started to think.
<What was that all about?! Has she really forgotten about what happened
yesterday? How? I mean...of course! It's Ranma's fault! He put her
up to that. There's no way she'd ever really go for him. That
means...that means--! I still have a chance!> Ryouga jumped up,
squealing with glee. <Oh, joyous d....>
There was a pause in his train of though.
<Oh, why don't I ever watch where I'm going!?>
A sign nearby read, "Welcome to Huntington Beach!"
------
Later that day, a young lady and her vic...er, that is, customer were
meeting under a certain tree in the Furinkan courtyard.
Kunou was the first to speak. "So, then, Tendou Nabiki--"
He was cut off by an envelope waved in his face. "Got it riiiight
here." Kunou eagerly grabbed it from her, while passing back 2500 yen.
"And that would be the second half of the agreed paym...hold! Why is
only your dear sister's name on the envelope? This had been addressed
to both her and the Pig-Tailed Girl!"
"I have no idea. Why don't you check it out to make sure?"
Kunou, being the bright lad that he is, promptly complied. He opened it
up and looked. BING! There was a sudden eye-glazing...well, actually,
no; he was always like that, it seemed.
"Why...oh, Tendou Nabiki...your beauty rivals that of the stars in the
sky of a clear night...roses would blush a deeper red of jealousy when
placed beside you...." He paused, taking both of Nabiki's hands, who
was clearly shocked. "My goddess of the yen...."
Nabiki stared back. <Kunou? What's gotten into him?! And...I...I
feel....> There was now an odd look in Nabiki's eyes, one clearly
unfamiliar to her. She paused for a moment, while Kunou kept spouting
verse poorly disguised as prose...or maybe it was the other way
around...whatever it was, it was bad.... Then, softly, Nabiki spoke.
"Kunou-chan...." And _then_, _not_ so softly--"SNAP OUT OF IT! YOU'RE
SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF ME!!" Right. That unfamiliar look was the fear
of Kunou.
He wasn't fazed the least bit. Nothing short of unconsciousness or a
good approximation would. "But how could I stop singing the praises of
your fairness? Why...it would be an affrontery to the gods for not
doing so for such a beautiful creation of theirs!"
<Why did he suddenly...wait. When he looked at that letter....?> "Give
me that!" She snatched the letter away from him. Kunou's eyes closed
for a moment, then reopened.
"What in the name of the heavens...."
Now, Nabiki looked at the letter. Yup....
"Oh, Kunou-chan...." She snuggled up to him, nuzzling his neck. "I
feel so strange...but I know it's a good thing. You look so handsome
today...."
An ENORMOUS sweatdrop beaded on Kunou's head. "Ten-Tendou Nabiki!
Cease and desist at once! What are you doing? And why do you still
have my property? Please, I would like that back!"
He snatched the letter back, and his gaze fell upon the paper again. He
looked back up at Nabiki with a lovelorn expression. She then took it
back. It went on, and on, and on. Back and forth. From one set of
hands to the other. To and fro. He says, she says. Lather, rinse,
repeat. A small crowd started to gather, gaping at this incredibly odd
sight.
Hiroshi whispered to Daisuke, "What is going on here?"
"Dunno. But it sure looks funny."
"Ooh! Ka-WAII!!!" *ZOOM*
The letter and the envelope were snatched away by the physical
incarnation of all things saccharine (on pink rollerblades with frilly
bows, to boot): Azusa.
Simultaneously, after a few blinks, Nabiki and Kunou shouted, "Hey!
Give that back!"
Azusa paid no attention, but rather, spun around and started to skate
back past them...and smashed right into Mikado. Both fell down. Mikado
was the first to get back up, after picking up two envelopes which have
had joined the skaters on their journey to the ground. He glanced at
them, then handed one to Nabiki.
"Here you go, miss."
"Oh, thank you so much!"
Mikado smiled, which would have made a lot of girls swoon (and a few
develop murderous intentions towards him). "Why, you are most welcome.
But please--OW!" His preparation for a kiss were interrupted by Azusa
pounding him on the head.
"Hey! Give Azusa-chan's...er, er...."
Mikado winced in pain. Somewhere out there, Akane and Ranma felt
better, for no particular reason, it seemed. He asked, "Lisette?"
Azusa paused, then answered, "No, Lisette's already used. Oh! Give
Azusa-chan's Jiselle back!" She resumed pounding on Mikado's head.
"STOP THAT!!! Besides, it's gone already! And let me go--I need to
deliver this!"
Indeed, Nabiki and Kunou had quietly slipped away from that little
scene. Azusa and Mikado left also, as Azusa cried and continued beating
on Mikado. We now join Nabiki and Kunou, in another part of the school.
Nabiki was looking over the letter. "Well...nothing's happening...."
Kunou snatched the letter back. "I should certainly hope not! That
little comedy of errors prior was sorely embarrassing...hold. You say
that nothing is happening?"
In a tree nearby, a small figure rested while sitting on top of a
stick. One guess to who it is, and the first doesn't count. She had
been watching the whole time, of course.
<I do believe I've seen that letter before. A rather dangerous element,
especially in a place like this.> Cologne turned and pogoed off. <Love
magic. Always such a bother....>
We rejoin the other part of the story, already in progress. Mikado had
finally shaken off Azusa, who was now prancing around with a baseball
cap, giggling the name "[insert choice overly-cute French girl's name
here]" while some guy tried to retrieve it. Mikado kept looking for
Akane, but had no luck. Instead, he spied Ranma.
"Well, Saotome Ranma."
Ranma snarled back, "An' what do _you_ want?"
"As little as possible to do with you. However, I would request that
you deliver this to Akane." He held out the letter. Naturally, Ranma
looked at the envelope extremely suspiciously.
"Now...what is _that_?"
"A challenge. Do not ask me to explain; it has nothing at all to do
with you."
"Fine, fine. Yeah, I'll get it to her."
"And say hello to that pig-tailed lady for me." Emperor Sanzenin
[insert the sound of several females gagging] walked off.
Ranma eyed the letter suspiciously, then shrugged. <As weird as this
place is, at least things don't repeat themselves. I don't think
anything will happen this time.>
------
Somewhere, up There--and I mean waaaaay up There, someone
chuckled...perhaps a little evilly.
------
Ranma tucked away the letter for later delivery, then dove into his
lunch, in a three and a half pike somersault, slight splash, though a
little loose with keeping the legs together, earning a total score of
47.3--*WHAP*--ow, okay. He started eating ravenously.
Meanwhile, at the Nekohanten, Cologne was found speaking to Shampoo.
"...and, of course, we must keep it out of the hands of the others."
Shampoo responded delightedly. "And we can use letter on groom, yes?"
Sharply, Cologne admonished, "No! Love magic is not something
acceptable. It wouldn't do to enchant Ranma, especially when such an
enchantment is so tenuous."
"But--"
"Do not argue with me, Great-granddaughter. It would be what is known
as a 'quick fix'. Besides, love magic _has_ been declared taboo by
Amazon law. Herbs, shiatsu techniques, kidnappings--those are okay.
But not magic. You do understand, right?" Shampoo nodded sadly. "Very
well." Cologne's voice then softened. "Shampoo, I am doing this for
you. If this were an acceptable solution, I would have done it
already. Do remember that. But it's not the way to go here. Now,
then, to procure that letter...."
The ears have walls...umm, no, that's not right. Let me try again: The
walls have ears: P-chan's and Muumuu-chan's. Ryouga was (un)fortunate
to have wandered by at the right moment; Mousse was waddling to the
kitchen to change back after tripping on a bucket he (surprise) hadn't
seen earlier.
P-chan snorted with outrage. <Love magic! So that's what Ranma did.
How dishonorable! And yet.... Yet....>
Muumuu-chan would have snorted too, but ducks can't snort. <Outlawed,
heh? Dammit! But.... Well, I'd better keep it away from Cologne and
Shampoo anyways. Who knows what might happen.>
Now, back at the Tendous--
Ranma approached Akane. "Hey. Something from that Mikado guy. Another
letter."
"What do you mean, another?"
"Oh, right. That never happened, of course...."
Akane opened the envelope and--
>From Andrew Huang, Taiwanese-American-German-Scot Harvard Student :P
Brought to you by his computer, Oddzilla
Oddzilla says, "Ryouga and Ukyou! Ukyou and Ryouga!"
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/alhuang/
Kurimoto Shiro's manager, DBTFH; Harvard Anime Society, Secretary
Andrew is Called the Taiwanese-American-German-Scots Harvard student (he
could explain, but doesn't feel like it). Known to speak with a Scots
accent at random times, Andrew has been known to write as well, also at
random times. He has the superhuman ability of looking both preppy and
grungy at the same time. Blame it on his limited wardrobe.