At 03:10 PM 7/26/97 -0500, Scott Jamison wrote:
(Scene: SKJAM!'s den. He and Kira are looking at a computer
monitor.)
SKJAM!: Sure hope that latest chapter of Twilight Existence got through.
It did.
Kira: How will Ranko ever have a happy life?
It does look like a difficult situation for her; too bad Akane didn't
get dunked in the man-drown water....
SKJAM!: Who said it would have a happy ending? We're back, so let's
start the MSTing!
Oh my.
On Sat, 26 Jul 1997, KOUMA RYODACHI wrote:
Chapter 15: Trial of Terror
snarled, and attacked Hikaru, who parried. She countered, and her
blow was dodged. Slash, thrust, strike, dodge, parry, block...then
How did that Daffy Duck sword kata ^_^ go?
Hikaru and Ranma blinked, and stared at each other.
"Where the heck are we, Hikaru?" Ranma asked.
SKJAM!: And can we get in some nooky?
General comment ("Danger, Will Robertson!"): while I see the necessity,
seperating Hikaru from Ranma eliminates one of the compelling aspects
of this fanfic. The switch to action also removes some of the focus on
the personal/psychological that makes Kouma's writing so compelling.
Hikaru shook her head. "I don't know, Ranma-kun. This place isn't
familiar."
Out of the void, stepped Hikaru's three brothers [...]
The three boys smirked. "Hikaru," Kakeru said. "Do you realize
what you've put us through?"
"We all thought you were dead," Masaru said, scowling.
"Gomen nasai," Hikaru said, eyes dewing.
Note: Hikaru should have at least thought about visiting home before
leaving on this quest; she might decide not to, given that she might
not come back, but she would have thought about it.
Akane looked up at the two sneering princes, and scowled, hefting
her enormous steel mallet. "Alright then, let's find out who you
really are."
Kira: (Akane voice) FAKES NO BAKA!!
Dark clouds began to gather, and lightning crackled, striking the
raised hammer. Everyone backed off a bit nervously. A swirling vortex
^^^
Bridging these two sentances with an "as" would improve the flow here.
formed in the center of the clouds above.
"Umi-chan. Don't scream so."
SKJAM!: Scream thusly, instead.
Heh. The touch with the head was inspired, but I think you need to find
a few more "wow" things (in this chapter or the next) to keep up the
level of intensity we've enjoyed so far in this story. I also think
you might be overdosing on the grotesque in the next section.
The thing hissed. "I am Conniption. My massster sssent me here to
dessstroy you."
I didn't know there was a car named "Conniption"....
One of the best Rayearth synopsis bits came from Peter Evans: "Ferio (sp?)
introduced himself, and explained why he was named after a car". ^_^
Hikaru pressed on, "My brothers would never do anything to me.
They love me, and they care for me, and they treat me very kindly. Do
you think they'd be trying to kill me?"
Kira: Darned if us folks who haven't seen the series know. Chapter Two
did seem to indicate they were pretty far gone.
But we can assume that they're nice; for one thing, Hikaru's outlook on
life (even after her ordeal) speaks well of her family life.
Her second most disturbing feature was her eyes. The outer rims of
her eyes were black, soulless, while her irises were red, and glowed
slightly.
Umm---how are outer *rims* of eyes soulless? I would think it would have
to be the irises, or the whole effect.
The girl laughed softly. The sound of her laugh sent chills up all
their spines.
"My name is Skylark," she said. "And I'm about to kill all of you.
Kira: Skylark is an awfully "nice" name for a evil sorceress...
Worse, naming the (so far) ultimate villian after a *BUICK* is
somewhat ... underwhelming.
Firebird might be too positive; Yugo too silly, but there must be
something that can sound foreboding, depressed, etc. Maybe Lada?
Kia, a Korean conglomerate which is having a very rough time right now,
makes cars (at home they just offered a 30% discount for cash purchases)....
- Harold